Anonymous
Post 07/25/2023 16:25     Subject: It is so much easier to be a good parent when not working
Anonymous wrote:It’s not as simple as this. I had a child born extremely premature with a ton of needs, and was sort of forced to become a stay at home mom in order to fully do all the medical appointments and therapies, plus care for two other little kids. It was not easier than working full time like my husband. I envied him being able to escape the endless amounts of appointments and doing all the therapies.


I am a long-time SAHM, but I would have gone back to work and hired a nanny in your case. That would have been way too much work for me and I would have been unhappy. I had two NT kids and that was more than enough for me!
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2023 16:22     Subject: It is so much easier to be a good parent when not working
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:And you haven't had the permanent loss of adult interaction, satisfaction, intellectual interest, maybe prestige that comes from work. And your DH hasn't gotten lazy and started treating you like a maid, secretary, and taskrabbit. Believe me, temporary PTO is nothing like the challenges of long term SAHM.


Why so so many women believe that other women aren't adults? Raising a child doesnt mean being locked in a basement.


Depends. I feel locked in a basement, and that comment deeply resonated with me. I have a very sensitive, difficult, high needs toddler who never ever ever sleeps (yes we’ve tried extremely hard and with help to fix her sleep). I’m so exhausted from the lack of sleep plus parenting a HARD kid during the needy years that I really have nothing in my life outside of my child. I have no energy whatsoever for anything else. She won’t even let her dad comfort her in the night or put her to bed so it’s all on me and I’m EXHAUSTED.

Parents who look down on moms for failing to “take care of themselves” just got lucky with easy kids and good sleepers who made it possible.


I don’t understand why you’re living a life like this. Your kid doesn’t need you in the middle of the night. Your child needs boundaries and limits. Not sleeping or waking you up = consequences. You can take extreme measures like locking the child in his room and wearing ear plugs. If you really want to have a life and sleep, you can make that happen. No woman in 2023 has to live a life like you describe. Make better choices and turn things around before it’s too late. Good luck.


NP. I have to agree. Literally leave the house for a weekend or maybe more -- check into a hotel. She and Dad will survive. And I would stop comforting her in the middle of the night because nothing is wrong. Truly, she could scream until she throws up; you need to stop it.


Wow - y’all are monsters. There are all different kinds of children with all different needs. For the mom who posted. Hang in there. It won’t last forever. Remember there are seasons for everything and this is your winter. It can take a lot to figure out your specific kid and what works for them and then of course they grow and change and it all shifts. If you can find time for yourself with either a preschool program or frankly a little tv for her do that. It is a marathon not a sprint.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2023 14:14     Subject: It is so much easier to be a good parent when not working
It’s not as simple as this. I had a child born extremely premature with a ton of needs, and was sort of forced to become a stay at home mom in order to fully do all the medical appointments and therapies, plus care for two other little kids. It was not easier than working full time like my husband. I envied him being able to escape the endless amounts of appointments and doing all the therapies.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2023 13:52     Subject: It is so much easier to be a good parent when not working
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:And you haven't had the permanent loss of adult interaction, satisfaction, intellectual interest, maybe prestige that comes from work. And your DH hasn't gotten lazy and started treating you like a maid, secretary, and taskrabbit. Believe me, temporary PTO is nothing like the challenges of long term SAHM.


Why so so many women believe that other women aren't adults? Raising a child doesnt mean being locked in a basement.


Depends. I feel locked in a basement, and that comment deeply resonated with me. I have a very sensitive, difficult, high needs toddler who never ever ever sleeps (yes we’ve tried extremely hard and with help to fix her sleep). I’m so exhausted from the lack of sleep plus parenting a HARD kid during the needy years that I really have nothing in my life outside of my child. I have no energy whatsoever for anything else. She won’t even let her dad comfort her in the night or put her to bed so it’s all on me and I’m EXHAUSTED.

Parents who look down on moms for failing to “take care of themselves” just got lucky with easy kids and good sleepers who made it possible.


I don’t understand why you’re living a life like this. Your kid doesn’t need you in the middle of the night. Your child needs boundaries and limits. Not sleeping or waking you up = consequences. You can take extreme measures like locking the child in his room and wearing ear plugs. If you really want to have a life and sleep, you can make that happen. No woman in 2023 has to live a life like you describe. Make better choices and turn things around before it’s too late. Good luck.


NP. I have to agree. Literally leave the house for a weekend or maybe more -- check into a hotel. She and Dad will survive. And I would stop comforting her in the middle of the night because nothing is wrong. Truly, she could scream until she throws up; you need to stop it.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2023 13:25     Subject: It is so much easier to be a good parent when not working
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:No career is more important than my family and kids.

Being a well to do, well educated sahm, with a lot of family support and hired help is what worked for me. I don't want to balance anything at all- because it is never balanced really.

I just wanted to maximize being the best parent that I could be for my kids and give them any leg-up I could.
I am a valuable resource for my entire family and I take good care of me. It is stupid to be a martyr and it certainly does not serve your family and kids.


“Well to do”? Are you 60?


If she were 60, would that make her point less relevant?


Yes, in my opinion. The professions that were allowing women to excel/lead 30 years ago when a 60 year old would have been in her working prime were much fewer than now. My daughter gets opportunities through my job that were
simply not available to moms with toddlers in my field in 1993, and rather than work a job that didn’t offer other benefits to their children plenty of women would have stayed home. Tammy Duckworth and Jacinda Ardern weren’t taking their children to the US Senate Floor or the UN when she was choosing to SAH.


IMO I think people who are ahead of me usually have a perspective and knowledge that I don't. When we first got married I would ask older couples for advice, wisdom and tips about marriage. Now that I have kids, I rely heavily on the input, wisdom and experience of mothers with older kids and women who have successfully navigated working and parenting. I'd love to pick Nancy Pelosi's brain about everything and Michelle Obama's too.


That’s still different from whether the experience of a 60 y/o “SAHM” is relevant to the experience of a working mother today.

My mother worked part time because she liked to get out of the house and see people other than other mothers. I value her advice about sleep training but don’t seek her input on things like “if I take my 3y/o on my upcoming trip to London, should we stay in the UK for an additional few days or go somewhere else in Europe” because that is not a context in which she has any experience.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2023 13:19     Subject: It is so much easier to be a good parent when not working
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:And you haven't had the permanent loss of adult interaction, satisfaction, intellectual interest, maybe prestige that comes from work. And your DH hasn't gotten lazy and started treating you like a maid, secretary, and taskrabbit. Believe me, temporary PTO is nothing like the challenges of long term SAHM.


Why so so many women believe that other women aren't adults? Raising a child doesnt mean being locked in a basement.


Depends. I feel locked in a basement, and that comment deeply resonated with me. I have a very sensitive, difficult, high needs toddler who never ever ever sleeps (yes we’ve tried extremely hard and with help to fix her sleep). I’m so exhausted from the lack of sleep plus parenting a HARD kid during the needy years that I really have nothing in my life outside of my child. I have no energy whatsoever for anything else. She won’t even let her dad comfort her in the night or put her to bed so it’s all on me and I’m EXHAUSTED.

Parents who look down on moms for failing to “take care of themselves” just got lucky with easy kids and good sleepers who made it possible.


I don’t understand why you’re living a life like this. Your kid doesn’t need you in the middle of the night. Your child needs boundaries and limits. Not sleeping or waking you up = consequences. You can take extreme measures like locking the child in his room and wearing ear plugs. If you really want to have a life and sleep, you can make that happen. No woman in 2023 has to live a life like you describe. Make better choices and turn things around before it’s too late. Good luck.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2023 13:13     Subject: It is so much easier to be a good parent when not working
I was furlowed during covid and it was the best time of my life....... Ideally I would work about 15 to 20 hours a week because I think that would be a great balance of outside of the housework time and a great amount of time with the kids
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2023 13:08     Subject: It is so much easier to be a good parent when not working
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:No career is more important than my family and kids.

Being a well to do, well educated sahm, with a lot of family support and hired help is what worked for me. I don't want to balance anything at all- because it is never balanced really.

I just wanted to maximize being the best parent that I could be for my kids and give them any leg-up I could.
I am a valuable resource for my entire family and I take good care of me. It is stupid to be a martyr and it certainly does not serve your family and kids.


“Well to do”? Are you 60?


If she were 60, would that make her point less relevant?


Yes, in my opinion. The professions that were allowing women to excel/lead 30 years ago when a 60 year old would have been in her working prime were much fewer than now. My daughter gets opportunities through my job that were
simply not available to moms with toddlers in my field in 1993, and rather than work a job that didn’t offer other benefits to their children plenty of women would have stayed home. Tammy Duckworth and Jacinda Ardern weren’t taking their children to the US Senate Floor or the UN when she was choosing to SAH.


IMO I think people who are ahead of me usually have a perspective and knowledge that I don't. When we first got married I would ask older couples for advice, wisdom and tips about marriage. Now that I have kids, I rely heavily on the input, wisdom and experience of mothers with older kids and women who have successfully navigated working and parenting. I'd love to pick Nancy Pelosi's brain about everything and Michelle Obama's too.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2023 12:02     Subject: Re:It is so much easier to be a good parent when not working
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Not for me. I’m great on weeknights but shit on weekends. I am definitely not cut out for full time parenting.


So you are saying you aren’t really qualified to raise your own children properly.


Nobody would call CPS on me. But I'm not good at mothering.


I really don't get this. I understand when people
have to work to keep food on the table, or it provides their kids a better quality of life, but I legitimately do. It understand why people have kids (especially multiple kids) who are self described bad at being a parent. I pray your partner doesn't say the same. Or that your nanny never quits on you. Your poor kid.


Don't you worry about my kids - they're just fine. Their dad is the main parent and we pay the nanny very well. I'm just not one of those people with a maternal streak who loves babies or always wanted to be a mother. I'd have been happy never having kids, but my husband really wanted them.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2023 10:38     Subject: It is so much easier to be a good parent when not working
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:And you haven't had the permanent loss of adult interaction, satisfaction, intellectual interest, maybe prestige that comes from work. And your DH hasn't gotten lazy and started treating you like a maid, secretary, and taskrabbit. Believe me, temporary PTO is nothing like the challenges of long term SAHM.


Why so so many women believe that other women aren't adults? Raising a child doesnt mean being locked in a basement.


Depends. I feel locked in a basement, and that comment deeply resonated with me. I have a very sensitive, difficult, high needs toddler who never ever ever sleeps (yes we’ve tried extremely hard and with help to fix her sleep). I’m so exhausted from the lack of sleep plus parenting a HARD kid during the needy years that I really have nothing in my life outside of my child. I have no energy whatsoever for anything else. She won’t even let her dad comfort her in the night or put her to bed so it’s all on me and I’m EXHAUSTED.

Parents who look down on moms for failing to “take care of themselves” just got lucky with easy kids and good sleepers who made it possible.


This is all your CHOICE. You could go back to work and put her in childcare giving yourself a (much needed daytime break.) Also, a toddler doesn't get to choose who comforts her in the night or puts her to bed. If you decide Dad is doing it sometimes, then he is. Leave the house while he does it if you have to. These are CHOICES.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2023 05:51     Subject: It is so much easier to be a good parent when not working
This is true for me. I wish I could stay home but I don’t have that option financially so to work I go. But I do so wish I could have more time with my babies.

But I think it’s personal — some people thrive on work and bring that energy to parenting and do much much better with their kids in childcare. Like so many things, it’s an individual experience.
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2023 22:50     Subject: It is so much easier to be a good parent when not working
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:No career is more important than my family and kids.

Being a well to do, well educated sahm, with a lot of family support and hired help is what worked for me. I don't want to balance anything at all- because it is never balanced really.

I just wanted to maximize being the best parent that I could be for my kids and give them any leg-up I could.
I am a valuable resource for my entire family and I take good care of me. It is stupid to be a martyr and it certainly does not serve your family and kids.


“Well to do”? Are you 60?


No. Educated in a country where education is not crappy! LOL!!


Interesting. Well, in the United States, referring to oneself as "well to do" makes one sound either really old, really snobby, or both.


Interesting. Well, since in the United States - racism is rampant, women have no reproductive rights, gun violence is common, Trump is a rapist and Biden Jr a druggie, and achievement gap in education is growing...I don't give a flying fuvccck.


Yet here you still are. Clearly you prefer it to your alternative.
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2023 22:37     Subject: It is so much easier to be a good parent when not working
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:And you haven't had the permanent loss of adult interaction, satisfaction, intellectual interest, maybe prestige that comes from work. And your DH hasn't gotten lazy and started treating you like a maid, secretary, and taskrabbit. Believe me, temporary PTO is nothing like the challenges of long term SAHM.


Why so so many women believe that other women aren't adults? Raising a child doesnt mean being locked in a basement.


Depends. I feel locked in a basement, and that comment deeply resonated with me. I have a very sensitive, difficult, high needs toddler who never ever ever sleeps (yes we’ve tried extremely hard and with help to fix her sleep). I’m so exhausted from the lack of sleep plus parenting a HARD kid during the needy years that I really have nothing in my life outside of my child. I have no energy whatsoever for anything else. She won’t even let her dad comfort her in the night or put her to bed so it’s all on me and I’m EXHAUSTED.

Parents who look down on moms for failing to “take care of themselves” just got lucky with easy kids and good sleepers who made it possible.
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2023 22:34     Subject: It is so much easier to be a good parent when not working
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:No career is more important than my family and kids.

Being a well to do, well educated sahm, with a lot of family support and hired help is what worked for me. I don't want to balance anything at all- because it is never balanced really.

I just wanted to maximize being the best parent that I could be for my kids and give them any leg-up I could.
I am a valuable resource for my entire family and I take good care of me. It is stupid to be a martyr and it certainly does not serve your family and kids.


“Well to do”? Are you 60?


No. Educated in a country where education is not crappy! LOL!!


Interesting. Well, in the United States, referring to oneself as "well to do" makes one sound either really old, really snobby, or both.


Interesting. Well, since in the United States - racism is rampant, women have no reproductive rights, gun violence is common, Trump is a rapist and Biden Jr a druggie, and achievement gap in education is growing...I don't give a flying fuvccck.
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2023 22:26     Subject: It is so much easier to be a good parent when not working
Anonymous wrote:Well, I was forced to quit when I had my first, born with medical needs. It was either me or my husband, and he was further ahead in his career making real money, and I was just starting out, making none. Killed my career right before it started.

But that's the price of taking the best care of my child. Doctors said he might need to go to a special school, and were initially very pessimistic about walking and talking. And 18 years later, here he is, about to move in to his college dorm.

It was worth it.


I love you. You picked the right priority, your child.