Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's as big of a deal as you want to make it.

What's the reasons for the divorce not being final? If it's financial entanglements, then that would make sense. I'd also communicate how the information made you feel and that you are disappointed that she didn't come clean earlier.

Op here. Yes, it was certainly a disappointment and I communicated to her in a polite way and this is the only time she is providing incorrect information (I didn't say lying) to me.

I your first post, you said that she told you she was divorced. That was a lie. There is either divorced or not. It’s that simple.

+1 Don't trust liars.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s a big deal at all. I’m divorced.

I don't think it is a big deal either. I am a woman and have seen others doing it and they have moved forward and lived a happy life after getting married. It all depends on you, OP, if you want this to be a big deal. Look at this person overall and check if there are any other red flags before taking a drastic decision of breaking up.

Anonymous wrote:Op Here. Her divorce process is pretty amicable and she was waiting for her kids to graduate HS and go to college. All the assets are divided including house and she didn't want to spend a lot of money in filing the paperwork but had hired a lawyer a few months ago and took care of it. Other than this, I don't see any issues from her side as far as the commitment is concerned.

I don’t understand her reason of waiting for the kids to graduate high school before divorcing. If she’s been living separately for 3 years and her kids are that old, why not just divorce? Why wait until they graduate if she has already moved out. Does she get health insurance through her husbands plan or does she make enough to support herself?

She's manipulative. She knew exactly what she was doing.

I don’t think it’s a big deal at all. I’m divorced.

Don’t fall for the old “we need to wait until the kids graduate high school” routine, op. Even if that’s true, she doesn’t need to be dating and she doesn’t need to be lying.
Believe me, she pegged you as a mark and now you feel bad because you are probably a nice person, and nice people tend to let a lot of things go they shouldn’t because “we all need a second chance” “Maybe I didn’t understand or don’t remember what she told me early on” “Of course she’d not reveal anything that personal on a *date*” “she’s so nice, and after all, it took my brother weeks before he finally told me he was getting divorced” “it will be resolved soon” “we’re not planning to get married right now so what difference does it make”, “Maybe I’m just what she needs to get back on track, isn’t it great God put us at the same time and place so we could meet?” it’s very easy to get onto that path if the circumstances are set up properly.
I‘d end it with her and I’d tell her why, “I don’t date married women, and I don’t date liars, and I *really* don’t date people who lie to me for a few months setting up an environment where I like and trust them only to release a bomb on a beautiful summer evening, a bomb that you can’t help fix. You can’t get divorced for her you know, the dissolving of the marriage is between her and her husband and that isn’t you. I’d end it in public and I may record the conversation, the old “if they’ll do it with you, they’l do it to you” and you don’t want her having the ability to say you threatened her or got violent. Then I’d hang onto the recording for some time until I was sure she was really out of your life, no friend requests, no texts to “say hi” none of that.

For the person who said “It’s not a big deal if you like each other” this isn’t a disability or a difference in food preference, or that he likes to ski and she has never seen snow. All those can be sorted out, my husband has sleep apnea and according to this board it’s the most unsexy device ever made. Know what, I don’t care, a cranky chronically tired husband is lots worse then his cpap. I’m sure his cpap wouldn’t have been a problem if he’d set it up on our first night together, I wouldn’t have wanted to spend the night with him if I didn’t at least like him a little. OP’s girlfriend is a deceitful woman who knew exactly what she was doing and who she was doing it with. Run, op, run.

Dishonesty is always a big deal. If you think it is the only instance of it though, maybe cut her a little slack given that she has been separated so long the actual divorce may feel like a technicality to her. But if it isn't the only instance of dishonesty? Bye.

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry. It's just not adding up for me

She had to wait for the kids to graduate to divorce because ex was verbally abusive.
But ex was totally okay with her dating others for 3 years and the kids meeting you.

Or did she force the kids to keep the meetings a secret.

This lady sounds like bad news and drama. If it were just you I'd say it's up to you just keep your eyes open but since you have kids I really think you should end your involvement with her.

Agree. Her dishonesty, lying and bar character are likely why she’s going through a divorce.

I can’t imagine not being honest. “Hey I’m separated, the divorce hasn’t been finalized- hoping it will be by X. Marriage is over and we both are dating now”. And then answer any ?s honestly: are u still living together, etc.?

If I found out 8 months in someone kept the fact they weren’t divorced yet a secret- it would be a hard pass…buh-BYE. Says a lot about their integrity and character.

Anonymous wrote:Op Here. Her divorce process is pretty amicable and she was waiting for her kids to graduate HS and go to college. All the assets are divided including house and she didn't want to spend a lot of money in filing the paperwork but had hired a lawyer a few months ago and took care of it. Other than this, I don't see any issues from her side as far as the commitment is concerned.

OP, you write the above, but then you write this:

“They were in a bit of difficult relationship in which he is the high earner but also verbally abusive and very controlling.”

So she had an “amicable” divorce with someone who was verbally abusive and very controlling?

That doesn’t make a lot of sense. An abusive person is not generally going to give you an easy time during divorce proceedings. The story doesn’t add up.

I posted previously about not thinking this is a big deal. I’m married though. I do know several people who got divorced or are divorcing and it is complicated with kids and finances. I could see if kids were teens to push out divorce until kids are out of the house. I know the custody and child support are often the last thing that people cannot agree on. If kids are adults, this large piece is off the table.

Hope she is financially stable. Whatever you do, do not let her move in with you.

Tells you that she will withhold the truth to get the outcome she wants.

Not a good sign.

Such people take away their partner’s agency.

I would slow things down and figure out whether she has good character. Especially if there are children involved.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry. It's just not adding up for me

She had to wait for the kids to graduate to divorce because ex was verbally abusive.
But ex was totally okay with her dating others for 3 years and the kids meeting you.

Or did she force the kids to keep the meetings a secret.

This lady sounds like bad news and drama. If it were just you I'd say it's up to you just keep your eyes open but since you have kids I really think you should end your involvement with her.

He never said her ex was verbally abusive. In fact, he said things were amicable and there was no drama. What are you going on about?

It's right on page 2.

I just posted a question bc this JUST came up for me. Not Op. Female, (one who is feeling like she needs a better plan to vet the 40-50 year old cohort)

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this is a big deal given how long she's been separated. Love in middle age is HARD to come by. I wouldn't give this relationship up! She should've been honest, but its not the end of the world. You've met the kids which means she's serious. As long as there are no other instances of huge dishonesty I would let this slide. It's easy for married people behind a screen to make her into a monster, but they've got someone to have and to hold.

In practical sense, I completely agree with this. I understand trust got a little setback but it could be strengthen again if both of you want.

Good luck, OP

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry. It's just not adding up for me

She had to wait for the kids to graduate to divorce because ex was verbally abusive.
But ex was totally okay with her dating others for 3 years and the kids meeting you.

Or did she force the kids to keep the meetings a secret.

This lady sounds like bad news and drama. If it were just you I'd say it's up to you just keep your eyes open but since you have kids I really think you should end your involvement with her.

He never said her ex was verbally abusive. In fact, he said things were amicable and there was no drama. What are you going on about?

From pg 2…

Pp: There is no reason for her to wait until the kids graduates high school.


Op:They were in a bit of difficult relationship in which he is the high earner but also verbally abusive and very controlling.