Anonymous
07/05/2023 00:10
Subject: DS22's girlfriend is over ALL. THE. TIME.
If ge is autistic, he may never find someone he can connect with how well he connects with her.
Anonymous
07/05/2023 00:09
Subject: DS22's girlfriend is over ALL. THE. TIME.
Make sure you don't cause breakup and depression.
Anonymous
07/05/2023 00:08
Subject: DS22's girlfriend is over ALL. THE. TIME.
Anonymous wrote:White people problem!
Why is this a race specific problem?
Anonymous
07/04/2023 23:31
Subject: Re:DS22's girlfriend is over ALL. THE. TIME.
How is he studying if he's always hanging out with her?
He's taking the PT schedule a little too far.
M, W he goes to class and studies and does not see he girlfriend.
T, Th he works a job and doesn't see his girlfriend until after work and she leaves by 10pm
Fri - Sun he can spend time with her as long as he has finished all of his work.
He abides or leaves your home and has to figure it out even if that means failure.
He's taking the PT schedule a little too far.
M, W he goes to class and studies and does not see he girlfriend.
T, Th he works a job and doesn't see his girlfriend until after work and she leaves by 10pm
Fri - Sun he can spend time with her as long as he has finished all of his work.
He abides or leaves your home and has to figure it out even if that means failure.
Anonymous
07/04/2023 23:04
Subject: DS22's girlfriend is over ALL. THE. TIME.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Because he is on the spectrum is exactly why you need to still be parenting him. You need to help him manage social expectations - which means taking care of himself and participating as an active member of your household, getting a job, respecting others' space. You have to explain things to him but you also have to enforce them! You know he needs to you help him make a framework for his life and you're not. Don't be afraid of his push back - of course he's not going to like it but you need to act in his best interest.
Yes, thank you, glad you understand. A big part of the complication here is extreme demand avoidance, which is a trait he unfortunately shares with his father. There are numerous articles and studies on EDA and autism; here's the abstract from a recent study, Understanding the Contributions of Trait Autism and Anxiety to Extreme Demand Avoidance in the Adult General Population:
"Autism and anxiety are thought to be related to extreme demand avoidance (EDA), which is characterised by intense avoidance of everyday demands. However, the relative importance of autism and anxiety to EDA has yet to be investigated, and little is known about EDA in adulthood. We conducted two online survey studies (Ns = 267 and 549) with adults in the general population to establish the relative importance of autistic traits and anxiety as predictors of demand avoidance, using dominance analysis. Both autistic traits and anxiety were unique and equally important predictors of demand avoidance. These findings suggest EDA is linked to autism and are consistent with the theory that demand avoidance behaviours are potentially anxiety-driven in adults."
So unfortunately it's not a matter of just laying down the rules (or even just requesting his assistance with something) and expecting them to be followed from then on.
He NEEDS a job. Any job. He needs something productive both for his future (to learn work ethic, productivity, and self-support) and his present (to get him off the couch and out of the house most of the day.) You cannot be his safety net forever so instead of having something dramatic happen and him needing to be on his own, work at taking the steps he needs to be self reliant. You have the luxury to allow him to start small now with and easy job and build up. Honestly this should have started before now so don't waste another minute. A full on adult with no skills and special needs will be unemployable. Help your son!!
Anonymous
07/04/2023 19:28
Subject: DS22's girlfriend is over ALL. THE. TIME.
Why does a 22-year old not have a job? Fast food places are always hiring.
How does he afford food? His share of the gas and insurance?
How does he afford food? His share of the gas and insurance?
Anonymous
07/04/2023 17:47
Subject: DS22's girlfriend is over ALL. THE. TIME.
Make sure that your son does not get this girl pregnant. Then she will be permanent resident at your house or sharing a cardboard box under a bridge with your SN kid.
Anonymous
07/04/2023 17:46
Subject: DS22's girlfriend is over ALL. THE. TIME.
White people problem!
Anonymous
07/04/2023 17:43
Subject: DS22's girlfriend is over ALL. THE. TIME.
Do they have jobs and/or summer school? Can you focus on making sure they have some place else to be? Then it might seem so overwhelming to have her around.
Anonymous
07/04/2023 16:58
Subject: Re:DS22's girlfriend is over ALL. THE. TIME.
OP, you sound a little bit angry/stressed. (You called your DH "pathologically avoidant").
If this is a nice girlfriend, and if you think that the relationship might have long-term potential, it seems like you might want to be nice to the girl (albeit not tolerate her constantly in the house).
If your son is on the spectrum and is making his way through school, it sounds like he is on a good path and may not benefit from constant nagging.
The size of the house probably matters too, as if you live in a small home, you would not have sufficient privacy with a constant house guest.
Having said that, the number of hours sounds extreme. (It sounds like they both need more to do.)
But I would try to keep things positive.
If this is a nice girlfriend, and if you think that the relationship might have long-term potential, it seems like you might want to be nice to the girl (albeit not tolerate her constantly in the house).
If your son is on the spectrum and is making his way through school, it sounds like he is on a good path and may not benefit from constant nagging.
The size of the house probably matters too, as if you live in a small home, you would not have sufficient privacy with a constant house guest.
Having said that, the number of hours sounds extreme. (It sounds like they both need more to do.)
But I would try to keep things positive.
Anonymous
07/04/2023 16:37
Subject: DS22's girlfriend is over ALL. THE. TIME.
Who is paying for all that gas money? Tell him he has to start paying gas and insurance and that will require a job.
Anonymous
07/04/2023 16:34
Subject: DS22's girlfriend is over ALL. THE. TIME.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:“Your feelings matter but my feelings matter too. I am feeling like I can never relax in my own house because you have guests over all day every day. We are going to compromise because I know you like having her over. She is welcome here X days per week for X hours per day. She will need to leave by X. If you do not respect this boundary, she will no longer be welcome here.”
OP here. Thank you! I like the first few sentences and understand the rationale behind saying x number of hours per day, but in reality I would be the one enforcing that and I'd really like to take off my bad-cop hat (and not make her feel unwelcome, which she probably does when I remind him it's time to take her home).
Wanting to take off your bad cop hat is why you aren’t getting anywhere. You’ll have to choose between making your peace with her being there or being the bad guy (or rather, perceived as such) and enforcing your boundaries. He’s not going to get why you don’t want her there (and honestly, a lot of people would be fine with it, you just aren’t one of them, which is ok) so you have to make it happen the way you want or live with what he wants. All of the advice here is saying the same thing, in so many words.
Anonymous
07/04/2023 15:34
Subject: DS22's girlfriend is over ALL. THE. TIME.
Anonymous wrote:I completely understand why that’s annoying, OP. What do you expect your son to do, though, if he’s young and in love and doesn’t have anywhere else to hang out with his girlfriend? If I weren’t in full time school at 22 I definitely would have spent all day with my significant other. I never skipped a day of seeing them, for sure, and your proposal to have her at your house only twice per week likely means he will only see her twice per week. I suspect that will feel impossible to him. Be prepared for that to not go over well at all!
OP here--I haven't said I was going to limit visitors to twice a week.
DH has agreed to discuss the situation and how to address it, which we will do before talking to him again about it. At least this way he can see it's not just Mom coming up with arbitrary rules because she hates the gf.
Anonymous
07/04/2023 15:08
Subject: DS22's girlfriend is over ALL. THE. TIME.
I would think very carefully about whether you want him to have this girlfriend or not. If you are too strict she may lose interest in him or he in her. And then he will not be gaining the social skills and relationship practice that he is getting now.
Anonymous
07/04/2023 15:03
Subject: DS22's girlfriend is over ALL. THE. TIME.
I completely understand why that’s annoying, OP. What do you expect your son to do, though, if he’s young and in love and doesn’t have anywhere else to hang out with his girlfriend? If I weren’t in full time school at 22 I definitely would have spent all day with my significant other. I never skipped a day of seeing them, for sure, and your proposal to have her at your house only twice per week likely means he will only see her twice per week. I suspect that will feel impossible to him. Be prepared for that to not go over well at all!