Anonymous
07/03/2023 14:15
Subject: I get upset when high-stakes things go wrong, husband doesn't care
I saw “high-stakes” and was thinking disability, job loss, death.
OP: you gotta recalibrate
OP: you gotta recalibrate
Anonymous
07/03/2023 14:14
Subject: I get upset when high-stakes things go wrong, husband doesn't care
Your title is wrong. Sounds like your husband definitely did care that you ruined a nice, child free evening. He just didn’t care about the partial view that you seized on and pouted about.
Anonymous
07/03/2023 14:13
Subject: Re:I get upset when high-stakes things go wrong, husband doesn't care
Thanks for reminding me why I married DW. In a case like this, we'd both let it roll off our backs, and enjoy the time we have with each other and maybe order an extra glass of wine to make up for the lack of a "great" view.
I bet your DH (like my DW) would have been just as fine at a small family-owned restaurant, as long as you two are together and can hang out.
I bet your DH (like my DW) would have been just as fine at a small family-owned restaurant, as long as you two are together and can hang out.
Anonymous
07/03/2023 14:12
Subject: I get upset when high-stakes things go wrong, husband doesn't care
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It is not uncommon for the partner of a catastrophizer to pull in the opposite direction to seek balance.
He was trying to make the best of things. Try it sometime. All you did was guarantee it was going to be a miserable experience. Pouting is never a good look.
We don’t know the pattern here though.
If Mr Laid Back never lifts a finger to do anything or make things happen, guess who has to be more vigilant? The other partner.
If Mr Laid Back is clueless about what he’s missing out on, how would he ever get upset that he can see the beach and volcano? And instead had to look at a pillar?
He should however VALIDATE your feelings early on. Yes it sux to come all this way, plan ahead and get stuck in the corner, let’s ask again or tell them we’ll take only 1 hour at a better table or maybe the bar is a better atmosphere and view than this? Find and suggest actual SOLUTIONS. That’s helpful.
But his ignoring and not responding ESCALATES things, where Op then has to repeat herself seeking understanding or validation, several times, only to be met with the opposite: nonchalance and criticism.
If that’s your pattern Op do a few months together of couples counseling, with the goal of better communication, caring and validating if one another’s feelings.
Your feelings are valid Op. it’s ok to be pissed when you’re ripped off. He should agree, validate it, seek more solutions, the everyone moves on and makes peace with it.
The “oh well” attitude sounds like living in communism, where nothing you do matters so, Oh well.
This is the only good advice in this thread. OP, it is understandable that you are disappointed and frustrated. Your husband should have validated your feelings and worked on solutions with you. Teamwork, you know?! The way he acted, he made the situation worse and added to your negative feelings and then blamed you for them.
In the future, I recommend that you tell him what you seek from him -> validation/acknowledging feelings and then joint-problem-resolution.
Sorry - completely irrational feelings and acting like a petulant child need not, and should not, be validated.
+1. The only thing that ruined this dinner was the OP and her craptastic attitude.
Anonymous
07/03/2023 14:09
Subject: I get upset when high-stakes things go wrong, husband doesn't care
I agree that this is mostly about OP’s personality flaws.
But also, if there is one thing I learned from being in the event/wedding industry, it is this. DO NOT SPEND MORE THAN YOU SHOULD FOR AN EXPERIENCE. Obviously we can’t know if this was really too much for OP to spend. But I can tell you that the second you go over that figure, the chances you will enjoy your special day drop to nearly 0. A couple/family that overspent on their wedding is a miserable couple/family. I’m not talking about the father of the bride who didn’t want to spend this much but definitely can. It’s whatever the point is where it has a negative impact on your future life.
But also, if there is one thing I learned from being in the event/wedding industry, it is this. DO NOT SPEND MORE THAN YOU SHOULD FOR AN EXPERIENCE. Obviously we can’t know if this was really too much for OP to spend. But I can tell you that the second you go over that figure, the chances you will enjoy your special day drop to nearly 0. A couple/family that overspent on their wedding is a miserable couple/family. I’m not talking about the father of the bride who didn’t want to spend this much but definitely can. It’s whatever the point is where it has a negative impact on your future life.
Anonymous
07/03/2023 14:08
Subject: I get upset when high-stakes things go wrong, husband doesn't care
Your husband is wise.
Anonymous
07/03/2023 14:06
Subject: I get upset when high-stakes things go wrong, husband doesn't care
OP, what would you have done if you had gotten a window-side table and the view was blocked by rain or fog?
As PPs have noted, you can't control everything -- and believe me, I try. I'm learning to roll with the punches, but it isn't easy. Disappointment is my worst emotion.
My DW and I have the same dynamic you have with your DH. I get disappointed and upset, and she gets mad at me for not adapting. It's a vicious cycle and you and I both need to work on it. Because this will happen again.
As PPs have noted, you can't control everything -- and believe me, I try. I'm learning to roll with the punches, but it isn't easy. Disappointment is my worst emotion.
My DW and I have the same dynamic you have with your DH. I get disappointed and upset, and she gets mad at me for not adapting. It's a vicious cycle and you and I both need to work on it. Because this will happen again.
Anonymous
07/03/2023 14:03
Subject: I get upset when high-stakes things go wrong, husband doesn't care
Your husband is ENTIRELY, 100%, CORRECT!
I have a friend like you - when she looks forward to something, and it's a little less great than her ideal version in her mind, she gets really disappointed. It's sad to go through life like this! Why waste your prime years going from disappointment to disappointment? Why can't you talk yourself into expecting something less than ideal, and then get happily surprised when it's better than you thought, or if does end up less than ideal, try to make the best of things and look for small happy moments?
You need to book an appointment with a psychiatrist, talk about your propensities, and discuss whether you seem to have anxiety, depression, whether it warrants medication, or whether a course of therapy would be better. o not go to therapy without first consulting with a psychiatrist (a very common mistake), because you have to know what you need to address.
I have a friend like you - when she looks forward to something, and it's a little less great than her ideal version in her mind, she gets really disappointed. It's sad to go through life like this! Why waste your prime years going from disappointment to disappointment? Why can't you talk yourself into expecting something less than ideal, and then get happily surprised when it's better than you thought, or if does end up less than ideal, try to make the best of things and look for small happy moments?
You need to book an appointment with a psychiatrist, talk about your propensities, and discuss whether you seem to have anxiety, depression, whether it warrants medication, or whether a course of therapy would be better. o not go to therapy without first consulting with a psychiatrist (a very common mistake), because you have to know what you need to address.
Anonymous
07/03/2023 14:03
Subject: I get upset when high-stakes things go wrong, husband doesn't care
Team husband, OP sounds like a nightmare.
Anonymous
07/03/2023 14:01
Subject: I get upset when high-stakes things go wrong, husband doesn't care
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It is not uncommon for the partner of a catastrophizer to pull in the opposite direction to seek balance.
He was trying to make the best of things. Try it sometime. All you did was guarantee it was going to be a miserable experience. Pouting is never a good look.
We don’t know the pattern here though.
If Mr Laid Back never lifts a finger to do anything or make things happen, guess who has to be more vigilant? The other partner.
If Mr Laid Back is clueless about what he’s missing out on, how would he ever get upset that he can see the beach and volcano? And instead had to look at a pillar?
He should however VALIDATE your feelings early on. Yes it sux to come all this way, plan ahead and get stuck in the corner, let’s ask again or tell them we’ll take only 1 hour at a better table or maybe the bar is a better atmosphere and view than this? Find and suggest actual SOLUTIONS. That’s helpful.
But his ignoring and not responding ESCALATES things, where Op then has to repeat herself seeking understanding or validation, several times, only to be met with the opposite: nonchalance and criticism.
If that’s your pattern Op do a few months together of couples counseling, with the goal of better communication, caring and validating if one another’s feelings.
Your feelings are valid Op. it’s ok to be pissed when you’re ripped off. He should agree, validate it, seek more solutions, the everyone moves on and makes peace with it.
The “oh well” attitude sounds like living in communism, where nothing you do matters so, Oh well.
This is the only good advice in this thread. OP, it is understandable that you are disappointed and frustrated. Your husband should have validated your feelings and worked on solutions with you. Teamwork, you know?! The way he acted, he made the situation worse and added to your negative feelings and then blamed you for them.
In the future, I recommend that you tell him what you seek from him -> validation/acknowledging feelings and then joint-problem-resolution.
Sorry - completely irrational feelings and acting like a petulant child need not, and should not, be validated.
Anonymous
07/03/2023 14:01
Subject: I get upset when high-stakes things go wrong, husband doesn't care
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It is not uncommon for the partner of a catastrophizer to pull in the opposite direction to seek balance.
He was trying to make the best of things. Try it sometime. All you did was guarantee it was going to be a miserable experience. Pouting is never a good look.
We don’t know the pattern here though.
If Mr Laid Back never lifts a finger to do anything or make things happen, guess who has to be more vigilant? The other partner.
If Mr Laid Back is clueless about what he’s missing out on, how would he ever get upset that he can see the beach and volcano? And instead had to look at a pillar?
He should however VALIDATE your feelings early on. Yes it sux to come all this way, plan ahead and get stuck in the corner, let’s ask again or tell them we’ll take only 1 hour at a better table or maybe the bar is a better atmosphere and view than this? Find and suggest actual SOLUTIONS. That’s helpful.
But his ignoring and not responding ESCALATES things, where Op then has to repeat herself seeking understanding or validation, several times, only to be met with the opposite: nonchalance and criticism.
If that’s your pattern Op do a few months together of couples counseling, with the goal of better communication, caring and validating if one another’s feelings.
Your feelings are valid Op. it’s ok to be pissed when you’re ripped off. He should agree, validate it, seek more solutions, the everyone moves on and makes peace with it.
The “oh well” attitude sounds like living in communism, where nothing you do matters so, Oh well.
This is the only good advice in this thread. OP, it is understandable that you are disappointed and frustrated. Your husband should have validated your feelings and worked on solutions with you. Teamwork, you know?! The way he acted, he made the situation worse and added to your negative feelings and then blamed you for them.
In the future, I recommend that you tell him what you seek from him -> validation/acknowledging feelings and then joint-problem-resolution.
Ridiculous. She ruined a perfectly fine evening instead of enjoying the rare treat of being at a fine restaurant with no kids on a date, because she only had a PARTIAL view. It wasn’t even a crappy table with no view, it just wasn’t the best. UGH.
I can’t stand people who wallow in misery. I would divorce her.
Anonymous
07/03/2023 13:58
Subject: I get upset when high-stakes things go wrong, husband doesn't care
Anonymous wrote:Reminds me of White Lotus where the husband was pissed he paid for Honeymoon suite and got downgraded.
His wife, who’s new to high end things, didn’t care, didn’t pay, and basically says nothing, escalating him to stick up for them solo and get money back, comped meals, move rooms. It all goes downhill from there….
Except it's not the same thing at all. In yours, they paid for something they didn't get. Op didn't pay extra for a full view, she didnt try to confirm it during reservations, etc. So when she got the partial view it wasn't like she was under the impression she was going to get the full view because the restaurant promised it to her.
Anonymous
07/03/2023 13:54
Subject: I get upset when high-stakes things go wrong, husband doesn't care
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It is not uncommon for the partner of a catastrophizer to pull in the opposite direction to seek balance.
He was trying to make the best of things. Try it sometime. All you did was guarantee it was going to be a miserable experience. Pouting is never a good look.
We don’t know the pattern here though.
If Mr Laid Back never lifts a finger to do anything or make things happen, guess who has to be more vigilant? The other partner.
If Mr Laid Back is clueless about what he’s missing out on, how would he ever get upset that he can see the beach and volcano? And instead had to look at a pillar?
He should however VALIDATE your feelings early on. Yes it sux to come all this way, plan ahead and get stuck in the corner, let’s ask again or tell them we’ll take only 1 hour at a better table or maybe the bar is a better atmosphere and view than this? Find and suggest actual SOLUTIONS. That’s helpful.
But his ignoring and not responding ESCALATES things, where Op then has to repeat herself seeking understanding or validation, several times, only to be met with the opposite: nonchalance and criticism.
If that’s your pattern Op do a few months together of couples counseling, with the goal of better communication, caring and validating if one another’s feelings.
Your feelings are valid Op. it’s ok to be pissed when you’re ripped off. He should agree, validate it, seek more solutions, the everyone moves on and makes peace with it.
The “oh well” attitude sounds like living in communism, where nothing you do matters so, Oh well.
BTDT. People absolutely ask for different tables or negotiate or leave. Especially busy people or those in a rare dinner out or big rigamarole with travel, sitters, reservations, famous restaurant or view.
Saying you won’t take two hours for a dinner usually works.
Maybe her husband eats out a lot for work and doesn’t care about one more dinner out or the view. That doesn’t mean OP has to smile and nod at crumbs.
Sure it means she has to make it a miserable time for everyone else! Who wants to hang around someone like that?
Clearly not the doormat types. Unless they secretly like advocates since they’re passive and silent.
Anonymous
07/03/2023 13:52
Subject: I get upset when high-stakes things go wrong, husband doesn't care
Reminds me of White Lotus where the husband was pissed he paid for Honeymoon suite and got downgraded.
His wife, who’s new to high end things, didn’t care, didn’t pay, and basically says nothing, escalating him to stick up for them solo and get money back, comped meals, move rooms. It all goes downhill from there….
His wife, who’s new to high end things, didn’t care, didn’t pay, and basically says nothing, escalating him to stick up for them solo and get money back, comped meals, move rooms. It all goes downhill from there….
Anonymous
07/03/2023 13:42
Subject: I get upset when high-stakes things go wrong, husband doesn't care
I’d be super annoyed with my spouse if instead of enjoying as much as possible a nice experience we booked they fixated on the parts that were bad. Team DH here. If you weren’t willing to walk out given that you didn’t get your view, you would have been much more pleasant to spend an evening with if you took a “that’s a bummer, let’s just go is on the food” approach or even “we’ll, that did not turn out as planned, but at least I got a night out to enjoy your company without kids!”