Anonymous wrote:DCUM women are just so insecure.

Nope. Just aware of how the world works. We’re all human, have week moments and blind spots.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. Affairs start incrementally.

This is why Pence does not have drinks or dinner alone with one woman.

I was just about to say I am surprised at how many people follow the Pence rule here.

Because it is a safe rule to safeguard your marriage.

A lot of men and women don't set out to have affairs but they start incrementally over time.

This is 100% true. Work talk moves to personal life talk, and a deeper friendship develops. Time with this person is always fun - an escape from the responsibilities of kids and home life. An opportunity arises for more, and voila. BTDT. Never thought it would happen to me, but there are so many variables that you never know.

depends on how good the other party looks...if ugly, no worries.

DCUM women are just so insecure.

Anonymous wrote:

LOL. What was he thinking? Any guy with two brain cells know that a no-no. Glad it worked out for him.

Yeah I think he has 1.5 brain cells sometimes! the context was a group conversation and she was talking about how she was doing cross fit and loved it and lost weight and felt great so he affirmed she did, like “wow I hear CrossFit is insane but it’s obviously working for you, you look great.” So it wasn’t completely out of the blue but he was so confused when he got pulled aside. He’s learned never to say anything at all relating to anyones appearance even if they bring it up and it seems innocuous.

that's funny. yeah, sad but it is where things are. also having one-on-one discussion in the office behind closed doors is another thing guys should be careful about. if i have to do that (like performance review or discuss personal matters), i usually find a conf room with see thru windows.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the answer different if the spouse at home has high libido and is interested in their partner vs low libido and doesn't get along?

For some women (and also men, I expect) your libido gets a whole lot higher when out drinking with an attractive, charming person of the opposite sex.

Absolute truth right here.

LOL. What was he thinking? Any guy with two brain cells know that a no-no. Glad it worked out for him.

Yeah I think he has 1.5 brain cells sometimes! the context was a group conversation and she was talking about how she was doing cross fit and loved it and lost weight and felt great so he affirmed she did, like “wow I hear CrossFit is insane but it’s obviously working for you, you look great.” So it wasn’t completely out of the blue but he was so confused when he got pulled aside. He’s learned never to say anything at all relating to anyones appearance even if they bring it up and it seems innocuous.

Guy here. My wife has drinks with customers or work colleagues pretty much weekly. She has our entire marriage. I trust but verify (my first wife had multiple affairs). She’s always been truthfull with me.

Also, I can’t think of it being an issue going to drinks with any of my coworkers and I work with a lot of young, attractive people. I just don’t see myself having an interest in doing anything like that.

Anonymous wrote:No. Affairs start incrementally.

This is why Pence does not have drinks or dinner alone with one woman.

Well, hes also not into women, so….

Anonymous wrote:There are too many nuances to each situation to make a broad rule. I supervised a younger male colleague and we became very close. Esp as he was going through a depart on. But he was very close to all of us, my spouse included, and he spent a lot of time with us, spouse joked about him being my work husband (true) but there was never anything or even the idea of it. Maybe cause I’m 10 years older or whatever.

I went for drinks a few times with another married male colleague at another workplace and shut it down fast. Nothing happened and I was not interested in it happening but it just felt off or like a slippery slope.

I think with dh it’s the same. There is an energy with some encounters and not with others. Usually it’s about someone wanting more than friendship even if they are unconscious of it.

I will also say that dh got in trouble once because he told a colleague (who had lost a ton of weight) she looked great and she complained so he’s super super careful not to be alone with female colleagues if possible or do anything that could be misconstrued. It ended being fine (she had a history of complaining about people harassing her and it got even more bizarre and she left but still)…so if he now went for drinks it would definitely raise a red flag for me.

LOL. What was he thinking? Any guy with two brain cells know that a no-no. Glad it worked out for him.

Anonymous wrote:Would you feel uncomfortable if your spouse went for drinks with a colleague of the opposite sex? Drinks for 2+ hours?

Not if there was fully transparency

There are too many nuances to each situation to make a broad rule. I supervised a younger male colleague and we became very close. Esp as he was going through a depart on. But he was very close to all of us, my spouse included, and he spent a lot of time with us, spouse joked about him being my work husband (true) but there was never anything or even the idea of it. Maybe cause I’m 10 years older or whatever.

I went for drinks a few times with another married male colleague at another workplace and shut it down fast. Nothing happened and I was not interested in it happening but it just felt off or like a slippery slope.

I think with dh it’s the same. There is an energy with some encounters and not with others. Usually it’s about someone wanting more than friendship even if they are unconscious of it.

I will also say that dh got in trouble once because he told a colleague (who had lost a ton of weight) she looked great and she complained so he’s super super careful not to be alone with female colleagues if possible or do anything that could be misconstrued. It ended being fine (she had a history of complaining about people harassing her and it got even more bizarre and she left but still)…so if he now went for drinks it would definitely raise a red flag for me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t imagine having this little trust in my partner.

I don't see it as trust issue. You want to remove yourself from situations where your trust is put to the test while your brain is not fully engaged but your hormone is.

Exactly.

Anonymous wrote:I have drinks or lunch with male colleagues alone a few times a year. Not remotely interested in any of them, but great way to get caught up on firm gossip/politics. None of them have ever acted inappropriately towards me either during these interactions, my DH does not care. My DH mentors younger women in his group, so will end up getting lunch with them alone on occasion, though usually not drinks (I wouldn’t object to that though, he just doesn’t like to stay after work). I’m perfectly fine with it too.

I wonder how many of the women responding having careers where it is necessary to mentor and be mentored for advancement. If you don’t, I can see why it seems totally unnecessary. If you do, I can see why this entire inquiry seems like a lot of worry about nothing.

Anonymous wrote:Is the answer different if the spouse at home has high libido and is interested in their partner vs low libido and doesn't get along?

For some women (and also men, I expect) your libido gets a whole lot higher when out drinking with an attractive, charming person of the opposite sex.