Why do you want reciprocation when you have no respect for or interest in cultivating a connection with the friend's family?

I have a child who is very friendly with lots of others but doesn’t have a best friend. I also do 90 percent of the hosting (and I have a second). It’s just how these things go- I think other families don’t do as many playdates and she’s not the top choice to be invited over when they do, though they are happy enough to play here. We get more invites now she does drop off playdates- it’s going to help a lot. My kids weren’t ready young but especially big families drop off early- like 4/5. I had a 5 year old we didn’t know especially well dropped off not long ago. It was great.

As for when I’m hosting, I have a significant gap between my kids and I usually try to have the other kids out of the house or occupied at least some of the play date, but it’s not always possible. Honestly the majority of the time the kids figure it out, even the only children. Sometimes they find it fun to play with a younger child and younger child toys (my oldest hasn’t touched our toy kitchen in years but I’m amazed her friends still get excited to play with it). And the younger kids love and seek out the older one if they are on a playdate. I try to make sure they can do the activities they want to do (e.g. the little one isn’t demanding they play race cars or something) but if he joins in on some art what is the problem?

If a child is rude/mocking to my younger one they are not invited back. It’s only happened once. Hopefully that’s not what is going on with your child.

Not gonna read all this thread, but in my experience parents of onliest are more anal in general. Maybe OP should seek out more only child families. Sounds too high maintenance for a typical busy family with more than one kid.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for these responses, they are interesting and helpful and helping me to see other perspectives.

The main issue is that my child is not invited anywhere by her friends, either to their house or to meetup at a park, etc. DC is always asking, "why doesn't my best friend ever invite me over, they always come here." That's my question too. We host a ton but I'm wondering why it's not reciprocated, and I'm guessing it's mainly because families want to invite over other families with same-aged kids but that just seems a little limiting. When I was growing up my sister had a best friend who was an only child, and when that child came over, I didn't have anyone to play with and that was fine, I just did my own thing because my sister wanted time with her friend solo. It was never an issue the way it seems to be today.

Maybe it’s because other parents also noticed your kid isn’t nice to younger siblings.

This is exactly why. Some kids are pleasant and enjoyable to have over, and those are the kids who get invited over for playdates. Your kid is difficult and problematic, and nobody wants to deal with having her over

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for these responses, they are interesting and helpful and helping me to see other perspectives.

The main issue is that my child is not invited anywhere by her friends, either to their house or to meetup at a park, etc. DC is always asking, "why doesn't my best friend ever invite me over, they always come here." That's my question too. We host a ton but I'm wondering why it's not reciprocated, and I'm guessing it's mainly because families want to invite over other families with same-aged kids but that just seems a little limiting. When I was growing up my sister had a best friend who was an only child, and when that child came over, I didn't have anyone to play with and that was fine, I just did my own thing because my sister wanted time with her friend solo. It was never an issue the way it seems to be today.

From the other family’s perspective it’s probably not limiting for them. Never have we ever wondered if we’re limiting ourselves by only wanting low-maintenance play dates.

+1

My guess is that OP’s child is a problem when she comes over. Mean to the sibling, constantly obsessing over having alone time with just the friend…I’ve seen this time and time again, and obviously it’s more common with only children. That’s not a kid (or a dynamic) I have ANY interest in inviting into my home

Anonymous wrote:I'm exhausted thinking about my kid being friends with your kid, OP. You sound like you overthink and overengineer everything. Ugh.

Huge +1

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for these responses, they are interesting and helpful and helping me to see other perspectives.

The main issue is that my child is not invited anywhere by her friends, either to their house or to meetup at a park, etc. DC is always asking, "why doesn't my best friend ever invite me over, they always come here." That's my question too. We host a ton but I'm wondering why it's not reciprocated, and I'm guessing it's mainly because families want to invite over other families with same-aged kids but that just seems a little limiting. When I was growing up my sister had a best friend who was an only child, and when that child came over, I didn't have anyone to play with and that was fine, I just did my own thing because my sister wanted time with her friend solo. It was never an issue the way it seems to be today.

From the other family’s perspective it’s probably not limiting for them. Never have we ever wondered if we’re limiting ourselves by only wanting low-maintenance play dates.

I was the youngest of three and I remember loving going over to friends’ houses and playing with their younger siblings. I remember my friends finding their younger siblings annoying and they kept trying to kick them out and I sympathized and would say it was ok for them to play with us.

I do think perhaps one reason your kid is not invited over is that your kid may not be nice to the younger siblings, especially if you are indicating to her that she is justified in feeling annoyed if the younger siblings want to play too

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for these responses, they are interesting and helpful and helping me to see other perspectives.

The main issue is that my child is not invited anywhere by her friends, either to their house or to meetup at a park, etc. DC is always asking, "why doesn't my best friend ever invite me over, they always come here." That's my question too. We host a ton but I'm wondering why it's not reciprocated, and I'm guessing it's mainly because families want to invite over other families with same-aged kids but that just seems a little limiting. When I was growing up my sister had a best friend who was an only child, and when that child came over, I didn't have anyone to play with and that was fine, I just did my own thing because my sister wanted time with her friend solo. It was never an issue the way it seems to be today.

I am guessing they are not reciprocated because you expect the mom to stay and they think that means that you will want to stay at their house and a mom of multiple children doesn't want to host a playdate + keep an eye on their other kid(s) + entertain you. I bet if you switched to inviting kids for drop off/pick up playdates, those would get reciprocated a lot more. Your child is 7. It's time to let go.

+1
My only got plenty of invitations once she was old enough for drop-off playdates. Our family friends tend to be families with only one kid, but her friends run the gamut from only children to families of three or four.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for these responses, they are interesting and helpful and helping me to see other perspectives.

The main issue is that my child is not invited anywhere by her friends, either to their house or to meetup at a park, etc. DC is always asking, "why doesn't my best friend ever invite me over, they always come here." That's my question too. We host a ton but I'm wondering why it's not reciprocated, and I'm guessing it's mainly because families want to invite over other families with same-aged kids but that just seems a little limiting. When I was growing up my sister had a best friend who was an only child, and when that child came over, I didn't have anyone to play with and that was fine, I just did my own thing because my sister wanted time with her friend solo. It was never an issue the way it seems to be today.

I am guessing they are not reciprocated because you expect the mom to stay and they think that means that you will want to stay at their house and a mom of multiple children doesn't want to host a playdate + keep an eye on their other kid(s) + entertain you. I bet if you switched to inviting kids for drop off/pick up playdates, those would get reciprocated a lot more. Your child is 7. It's time to let go.

Also I can assure you that as a mom of two active kids, I don't have time for family playdates. No one is inviting an entire family with same age kids over for a playdate. They're doing drop offs.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for these responses, they are interesting and helpful and helping me to see other perspectives.

The main issue is that my child is not invited anywhere by her friends, either to their house or to meetup at a park, etc. DC is always asking, "why doesn't my best friend ever invite me over, they always come here." That's my question too. We host a ton but I'm wondering why it's not reciprocated, and I'm guessing it's mainly because families want to invite over other families with same-aged kids but that just seems a little limiting. When I was growing up my sister had a best friend who was an only child, and when that child came over, I didn't have anyone to play with and that was fine, I just did my own thing because my sister wanted time with her friend solo. It was never an issue the way it seems to be today.

I am guessing they are not reciprocated because you expect the mom to stay and they think that means that you will want to stay at their house and a mom of multiple children doesn't want to host a playdate + keep an eye on their other kid(s) + entertain you. I bet if you switched to inviting kids for drop off/pick up playdates, those would get reciprocated a lot more. Your child is 7. It's time to let go.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to host the other kid and not arrange to also have the other mom there.

This. I totally get not wanting to host younger siblings but no, I’m not going to bend over backwards to have a playdate with you/find childcare for my other kids so I can sit in your house and watch one of my kids play. And if we are meeting in a public place like the zoo/a park, of course I’m bringing my other kids!

+1

I have 3 kids. Sometimes DH takes 1 to an activity while I’m watching the other 2, so you’re getting 2 kids with me unless it’s drop off. And if your kids comes to play at my house, they need to at least be nice to the siblings. I’m not kicking 2 of my kids out of the play space because your kid is over.

Honestly, the kids with similar age siblings (to my kids’ ages) get invited over the most because they know how to do cross-age play and they’re used to including their own siblings. So I don’t have to oversee/negotiate things as much. If your only child expects to just play with their one friend then it will be rare occasions when the other 2 are occupied because by elementary school I expect play dates to generally make my life easier than be something I have to arrange my whole family’s schedule to accommodate.

FWIW, I’m an only child and I definitely remember hanging out with my friends’ siblings when I was growing up. They are part of my childhood memories and we would all play together. Sometimes I’d even have a pair of sisters both over to my house to play. I also remember my best friend’s little brother was always crashing our slumber parties and we would put makeup on him.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for these responses, they are interesting and helpful and helping me to see other perspectives.

The main issue is that my child is not invited anywhere by her friends, either to their house or to meetup at a park, etc. DC is always asking, "why doesn't my best friend ever invite me over, they always come here." That's my question too. We host a ton but I'm wondering why it's not reciprocated, and I'm guessing it's mainly because families want to invite over other families with same-aged kids but that just seems a little limiting. When I was growing up my sister had a best friend who was an only child, and when that child came over, I didn't have anyone to play with and that was fine, I just did my own thing because my sister wanted time with her friend solo. It was never an issue the way it seems to be today.

I told my DS that we hosted more because it was easier for us to have a kid over then it was for his friends who have siblings. He has a friend with an older sibling whose house he goes to pretty regularly but there is a five year age difference between the siblings. His having a friend over meant that the friend didn’t have to go to a siblings practice or gave the parent a chance for some quieter time at home.

Most people had him over for playdates but we hosted the majority.

Anonymous wrote:Usually the younger kids aren't the priority.

I understand that older ones being away and suddenly play dates happen! That was me this last week, no activities for the older. Much more time for me to plan things. Yes, I invited lots of people over for my daughter. Also, no older kid to get in the way. My younger had the house to herself.

I have people who being siblings to my daughters play dates. It is annoying, but what can you do?

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for these responses, they are interesting and helpful and helping me to see other perspectives.

The main issue is that my child is not invited anywhere by her friends, either to their house or to meetup at a park, etc. DC is always asking, "why doesn't my best friend ever invite me over, they always come here." That's my question too. We host a ton but I'm wondering why it's not reciprocated, and I'm guessing it's mainly because families want to invite over other families with same-aged kids but that just seems a little limiting. When I was growing up my sister had a best friend who was an only child, and when that child came over, I didn't have anyone to play with and that was fine, I just did my own thing because my sister wanted time with her friend solo. It was never an issue the way it seems to be today.

Maybe it’s because other parents also noticed your kid isn’t nice to younger siblings.