Anonymous wrote:I know LTRs of course happen in college, but even the LTRs I knew about in college for the most part had some kind of expiration date or risk of one as people went their separate ways for jobs. Other than that, my experience dating from age 20-25 was that you just don't bring up the idea of being marriage-minded or commitment-minded, or else you come off as desperate. You were supposed to be "chill" with whatever happened and smile and hope for the best. This was my era, about 10 years ago.

If you married or found the partner you were to marry when you were in your early 20s, how did it go? What would be your advice to people who do want to settle down relatively early, but not scare men away by sounding too desperate for commitment? And how do you navigate the risks that come with transience of that stage of life? And let's say you're not religious and into meeting people at church socials and the like. Did you meet in college, at a job or internship? Did you stay close to where you grew up, or choose to stay in the city where you went to school? It seems like most people in their 20s aren't sure where they want to be within the next 5 years, let alone who they want to be with.

I actually feel like this "cool girl" vibe is more something that women in their 20s adopt bc they don't want to seem desperate. No one thinks a 20yo in college is scared she'll never get married / be single forever.

I met DH in college and we got engaged at 25. We are both ambitious and we're long distance for grad school (we are a doctor & a lawyer). I was clear about what I wanted and we went into long distance knowing it was only worthwhile if we stayed together. We always talked explicitly about the future. Other friends who married their college or grad school SO were similar.

Anonymous wrote:I have a 39 yr old friend who is unmarried. He is charming, handsome, makes a lot of money, generous and a man who is family oriented. No red flags.

However, his optics are not that great. He lives in an expensive condo in downtown, drives a super expensive car, has a pitbull, has a social media page that is full of pics of his high end life (he expenses it) - travel in first class, eating in the finest restaurants, flying to another continent for sporting events, best booze, best resorts etc. I want to shake him and tell him to fix all of this. Buy a TH (if not SFH) in a good school district, get a golden retriever or a cat, get rid of the pitbull, take pictures with the kids of your married friends. But, he does not find anything wrong with what he is portraying. What he is attracting are the golddiggers.

He like plastique Instagram model types and he is dangling their favorite bait.

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Anonymous wrote:I’ll answer this as a mom of a 24 y.o. man who is moving in with his girlfriend next month and basically views it as a trial run for marriage- you find a guy who is not afraid of commitment, who values marriage and who values you. You don’t get yourself into “situationships”, you let them know early on that you are dating to marry, and if you scare some off - excellent, these are the men you are trying to avoid anyway.

This is the opposite of commitment.

Why? He told me if things work out well, a proposal will be coming in a year.

If he were committed, he would propose now. He is not committed if he requires a "trial run."

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Anonymous wrote:I’ll answer this as a mom of a 24 y.o. man who is moving in with his girlfriend next month and basically views it as a trial run for marriage- you find a guy who is not afraid of commitment, who values marriage and who values you. You don’t get yourself into “situationships”, you let them know early on that you are dating to marry, and if you scare some off - excellent, these are the men you are trying to avoid anyway.

This is the opposite of commitment.

Yup. This is a FWB situation.

What??? No way. Moving in with your partner is not what friends with benefits do. FWB means you don’t identify as boyfriend/girlfriend and are free to date other people.

Getting free sex in your 20s benefits men more, not women. It is prime years for women to find a worthy spouse. She is wasting it by playing house with a man without the benefit of a ring. What trial run for marriage does this man need? He already knows her character and if there are dealbreakers like promiscuity or addiction. Which obviously there are not. What else does he need to know? Will he breakup with her if she is a lousy cook or a messy person or if she snores? SMH.

Good for the PP's son to arrange for a free hole for his pole, but, OMG, young women are sooooo fekking stupid!!

+1

One of my cousin got married in his early 20's to his accountant girlfriend from college (a tech executive now) who supported him during med school, residency and fellowship. He is a pediatrician now and after 10 years of being a bread winner, she is taking few years off for baby making and child raising. It would be a blow on her career and their finances (pediatricians don't earn much) but she is tired of the hamster wheel.

DC is small in the sense that a lot of my friends met their spouse online in their twenties but found out they had mutual friends or something like that.

I'm late 20s and recently gave up on men in their 20s. Changed my dating preferences on the apps for age up to 40 and met my bf who is 40. He's a dream.

We also met at work. Married within two years of our first date.

We waited on kids though. Youngest is 21.

Just celebrated 37 years together.

We met at work. Started dating at 23, moved in together at 24, and got married at 26. I don’t think either of us had a strong intention of definitely getting married within a specific time frame, it just worked out that we were very happy together and wanted to get married when we did.

Met DH while we were both serving in the military. We were 20 years old. Got married at 25. We are now in our early 40s and have two kids.

I met my DH when I was 19 and he was 26 during a summer live-in nanny job. He worked at the family's business and we met in passing a few times. We just clicked from the beginning and ended up getting married 3 years later when I was 22. I never thought that I would marry that young, but he proposed 2 years in and it just felt right. Very happy 14 years later.

Two examples I can think of are a little later than you’re thinking of: married at 26 and 27. But very different stories.

One dated around in college and was drifting after, working non career jobs while trying to make it as an actress. She broke up with her most serious college boyfriend soon after graduation (he was premed and didn’t have a sense of humour or interests in the arts). She met her future husband when he was teching a show she was in and knew immediately he was special. They married a few years later. They’re still happily married 25 years later. So In her case? It was just good luck.

Other friend was raised religious (Catholic) so I think marriage has always been something she knew she wanted. She had a serious college relationship that ended with being cheated on her junior year and I think that freaked her out a bit since she felt like she was running out of time. After graduating and being a job she started doing online dating with an agenda. I don’t think she put that she wanted to get married in her profile but she was absolutely vetting dates for whether they were grown up and serious about adult milestones like buying a house etc like she was. She set aside every other Friday for date night and went out with people she matched with until she met someone she thought would work. Three years later, they got married and still going strong 10 years in, having flostered two kids and adopted one.

So as per usual: effort and luck.

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Anonymous wrote:I’ll answer this as a mom of a 24 y.o. man who is moving in with his girlfriend next month and basically views it as a trial run for marriage- you find a guy who is not afraid of commitment, who values marriage and who values you. You don’t get yourself into “situationships”, you let them know early on that you are dating to marry, and if you scare some off - excellent, these are the men you are trying to avoid anyway.

This is the opposite of commitment.

Why? He told me if things work out well, a proposal will be coming in a year.

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Anonymous wrote:I’ll answer this as a mom of a 24 y.o. man who is moving in with his girlfriend next month and basically views it as a trial run for marriage- you find a guy who is not afraid of commitment, who values marriage and who values you. You don’t get yourself into “situationships”, you let them know early on that you are dating to marry, and if you scare some off - excellent, these are the men you are trying to avoid anyway.

This is the opposite of commitment.

Yup. This is a FWB situation.

What??? No way. Moving in with your partner is not what friends with benefits do. FWB means you don’t identify as boyfriend/girlfriend and are free to date other people.

24 y/o men don’t do trial runs for marriage. They found a girl to sleep and hangout with, agree to move in together, and then at some point a few years later she finally drags him over the finish line.

Yes, this is the opposite thing I wanted. I know some men just married however was around at the time they felt like they were ready to get married, and felt like they owed it to the woman who had been with them for many years. Sometimes it worked out but often they just didn't seem to like their wives that much. I never wanted to wonder if my husband really loved me deeply or if I just wore him down.

Don’t delude yourself. Either way it’s because you were in the right place at the right time.

You know what they say. Women want to get married when they meet the right guy. Men want to get married when it’s the right time.

I mean, sure, I was in the right place at the right time. But I also didn't wear him down. He was ready to get married but he didn't pick me just because I was around.

I am sorry you don't know that men want to get married when it's the right time but they also want to marry the right woman.

I met DH in my mid-20s but didn’t do the whole play it casual thing. I knew what I wanted and dated with decently high expectations. Also, he is 6 years older than me. I think that is a huge part of it. He was feeling ready to meet a spouse at 31.