Anonymous
Post 06/09/2023 15:25     Subject: Re:This is what happens....
Anonymous wrote:

To the young poster with parents in their 50s, you could really help educate them by giving them this web site to look at. Also by encouraging them to join and support any senior center in their community, especially if it offers free community programs on aging, future legal and financial decision-making, Medicare versus Medicaid etc. They are young enough that they should talk to their financial planner or go to a Certified Financial Planner for a fee-based one or two session evaluation of their financial resources and whether long term care insurance would make sense, especially since you are an only child.

OP - It is unclear just exactly what you would have to offer in terms on funds or direct supportive care of your parents. If you have not done so, it might make more sense to talk to your sister (with OCD) and see for the present what might be helpful to her, being clear that you will have set boundaries in not shifting your work/family life around or whatever else is key for you to keep a balance. For her, non-judgmental things you could offer would be finding an agency or private person as through Care.com to provide respite on a night or weekend time that would be helpful to her. Also possibly, to offer to cover meals ordered from a company or dinner from local restaurants a couple of times a week, a cleaning service to come perhaps once or twice a month etc. Or would she like a local person who deals with elderly persons to help her figure things out as she is the person onsite call an Elder Care consultant or whatever - you can research likely through Office of Aging in their area.

I would back off from directly helping your folks and try to reach out to your sister in a respectful manner.

Why on EARTH does she have to educate her parents? Good grief- these people are in their 50s. Why can't they educate themselves? What makes people think that everyone suddenly goes into cognitive decline at some arbitrary point? You are referring them to a senior center? Why? Why aren't these people in their 50s and 60s able to sort out their lives on their own. When it's time to get Medicare,
there are numerous resources, literature, friends who are on it. These people DO NOT NEED their kids to help them sort our their lives. Do you think Elizabeth Warren's kids had to steer her to a senior center and explain Medicare literature to her? I think not. What about Elizabeth Klobuchar? What about Jamie Raskin or Chris Van Hollen? Andrea Mitchell?
It seems like somehow everyone is still catering to what happens vis a vis the offspring and not the actual people who are entitled to their own lives? People in the 50 to 75 age span are generally fine, cognitively all there, many are still working. They hold office, they run companies, they help out with grandkids, and most are taking care of their own parents! Stop with the blatant uneducated ageism and worry about your own life and your own retirement. Maybe your kids will help you out, huh?
Anonymous
Post 06/06/2023 15:50     Subject: Re:This is what happens....
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
I have one incapacitated parent, the other barely able to cope with their care and running a household, and they have big money problems that were preventable.


Both my parents and my in-laws crashed and burned financially. Their money problems were "preventable" in the sense that if I'd known about them ahead of time and they'd cooperated, we could have worked out a far superior solution. But, they kept secrets from us, and they were stubbornly determined to stay where they were even though it made no financial sense. So, when we found out at 11:59 that they'd be bankrupt at midnight, there wasn't much that could be done to mitigate the situation.

You really can't stop adult parents from making bad choices.


OP here. True. But then do they have the right to demand you fix it?


No but they were both bankrupt and facing eviction so they had no choice but to let me take over for them, which meant I had POA and I ran all their finances including paying bills. Thankfully parents had LTC insurance so they could be put in assisted living. I wasn’t going to pay to keep them in their existing house.
Anonymous
Post 06/06/2023 11:08     Subject: This is what happens....
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You need to protect their estate from the estate recovery! This is all you can do I think.


Given how late it sounds like OP's parents are in the game here, it is probably too late for that.


Yes, and I tried much earlier. My aunt told my mother that I was trying to steal their money My mother was too afraid to make a change. My father had them invested in high risk. So stupid

They now have 7 grand left. 4 or which will go to taxes and HOA fees this month. They also need a new hot water heater. The good thing is they can quality for help when they have less than 2 grand in savings. None of this needed to happen. None.


What are they applying for? Sounds like they are both still in their home, yes?


Applying to see if they qualify for my sister to be a paid caregiver to them


So she would be the caregiver, but remain in the home? Aren't they nearly depleted of funds? Having your sister compensated would be great, but how does covering their other expenses work?

OP, sorry that you are going through this - not ever easy.
Anonymous
Post 06/06/2023 07:34     Subject: This is what happens....
Anonymous wrote:You need to step away from this noise.

What’s funny is your parents may very well end up fine.

My parents are completely hysterical about running out of money and have millions in the bank. They spend $60k a year.

Nice for your parents. Mine now have 7K left and owe 3K in taxes and 1.5K in HOA next month.
Anonymous
Post 06/06/2023 07:33     Subject: This is what happens....
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You need to protect their estate from the estate recovery! This is all you can do I think.


Given how late it sounds like OP's parents are in the game here, it is probably too late for that.


Yes, and I tried much earlier. My aunt told my mother that I was trying to steal their money My mother was too afraid to make a change. My father had them invested in high risk. So stupid

They now have 7 grand left. 4 or which will go to taxes and HOA fees this month. They also need a new hot water heater. The good thing is they can quality for help when they have less than 2 grand in savings. None of this needed to happen. None.


What are they applying for? Sounds like they are both still in their home, yes?


Applying to see if they qualify for my sister to be a paid caregiver to them
Anonymous
Post 06/05/2023 15:49     Subject: Re:This is what happens....
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
I have one incapacitated parent, the other barely able to cope with their care and running a household, and they have big money problems that were preventable.


Both my parents and my in-laws crashed and burned financially. Their money problems were "preventable" in the sense that if I'd known about them ahead of time and they'd cooperated, we could have worked out a far superior solution. But, they kept secrets from us, and they were stubbornly determined to stay where they were even though it made no financial sense. So, when we found out at 11:59 that they'd be bankrupt at midnight, there wasn't much that could be done to mitigate the situation.

You really can't stop adult parents from making bad choices.


OP here. True. But then do they have the right to demand you fix it?


Not PP but I say you step back and ignore. If I understand correctly you’re on the opposite coast - that is great news for you!
Anonymous
Post 06/05/2023 15:48     Subject: This is what happens....
You need to step away from this noise.

What’s funny is your parents may very well end up fine.

My parents are completely hysterical about running out of money and have millions in the bank. They spend $60k a year.
Anonymous
Post 06/05/2023 15:12     Subject: Re:This is what happens....
For most families, money is finite within and across generations. My parents had very, very modest savings along with a mortgage. In the end, we had to help them minimally though they were sequentially on Medicaid for their final years, which includes house/land being sold and all assets disposed.

My ILs had ~5 million in assets and real estate at some point in the last 25 years. Then it was down to ~2 mill and think it may be around a mill now. They probably spent more than they should, but didn't seem as it was excessive shopping (maybe unnecessary), expensive cars, etc, but they did eat out frequently and spent a lot on vacations and winter house rentals. A lot.

They do have LTC and now use for 5x/week home aide coverage for FIL. Feeling like they do not have enough saved for the next phase. MIL is in good health while FIL would probably need to be in a memory care unit if they were to move into a retirement community. I'm starting to wonder if we are going to need to cover their bills at some point. We have the money to do for a while, but not forever without our own retirement and kids' inheritance taking a hit.

I think MIL will be more cooperative than some of the parents discussed here. I simply wish they would have been more conservative in their expenditures. MIL likes to say "You can't take your money with you, so spend it now" and she may have done that.
Anonymous
Post 06/05/2023 14:43     Subject: This is what happens....
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You need to protect their estate from the estate recovery! This is all you can do I think.


Given how late it sounds like OP's parents are in the game here, it is probably too late for that.


Yes, and I tried much earlier. My aunt told my mother that I was trying to steal their money My mother was too afraid to make a change. My father had them invested in high risk. So stupid

They now have 7 grand left. 4 or which will go to taxes and HOA fees this month. They also need a new hot water heater. The good thing is they can quality for help when they have less than 2 grand in savings. None of this needed to happen. None.


You could be decent and help pay the taxes, hoa fees and a hot water heater. From the sound of it you are very wealthy so why not help them out a little bit? Or, downsize your house so you can afford to help.


Not the PP, but do you have an extra 4K/month?
Anonymous
Post 06/05/2023 14:41     Subject: This is what happens....
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You need to protect their estate from the estate recovery! This is all you can do I think.


Given how late it sounds like OP's parents are in the game here, it is probably too late for that.


Yes, and I tried much earlier. My aunt told my mother that I was trying to steal their money My mother was too afraid to make a change. My father had them invested in high risk. So stupid

They now have 7 grand left. 4 or which will go to taxes and HOA fees this month. They also need a new hot water heater. The good thing is they can quality for help when they have less than 2 grand in savings. None of this needed to happen. None.


What are they applying for? Sounds like they are both still in their home, yes?
Anonymous
Post 06/05/2023 13:16     Subject: Re:This is what happens....
Anonymous wrote:
I have one incapacitated parent, the other barely able to cope with their care and running a household, and they have big money problems that were preventable.


Both my parents and my in-laws crashed and burned financially. Their money problems were "preventable" in the sense that if I'd known about them ahead of time and they'd cooperated, we could have worked out a far superior solution. But, they kept secrets from us, and they were stubbornly determined to stay where they were even though it made no financial sense. So, when we found out at 11:59 that they'd be bankrupt at midnight, there wasn't much that could be done to mitigate the situation.

You really can't stop adult parents from making bad choices.


OP here. True. But then do they have the right to demand you fix it?
Anonymous
Post 06/05/2023 11:34     Subject: Re:This is what happens....
I have one incapacitated parent, the other barely able to cope with their care and running a household, and they have big money problems that were preventable.


Both my parents and my in-laws crashed and burned financially. Their money problems were "preventable" in the sense that if I'd known about them ahead of time and they'd cooperated, we could have worked out a far superior solution. But, they kept secrets from us, and they were stubbornly determined to stay where they were even though it made no financial sense. So, when we found out at 11:59 that they'd be bankrupt at midnight, there wasn't much that could be done to mitigate the situation.

You really can't stop adult parents from making bad choices.
Anonymous
Post 06/05/2023 08:31     Subject: Re:This is what happens....
Anonymous wrote:You are not alone OP. I could have written your post. I have one incapacitated parent, the other barely able to cope with their care and running a household, and they have big money problems that were preventable. So now their kids - none of us are wealthy- are dealing with the outfall of helping with care even tho we live far away, helping with neverending financial issues, etc. It has been a lesson learned for me on planning for the future.


OP here. I feel for you. All the people responding with ‘solutions’ don’t really get it, nor do they get the frustration of those expected to pick up the pieces (often to their own financial detriment) for people who refused to help themselves.

We just found out that my husband’s father has cancer that we thought was indolent, but PET scan shows it has spread. He’s local and my husband deserves to spend time with his Dad. Financially his father prepared, which will allow my husband to be his father’s son until the end, which I love. But he will need to help, advocate, etc, as well he should. I will NOT deprive him of this
Anonymous
Post 06/05/2023 08:22     Subject: Re:This is what happens....
You are not alone OP. I could have written your post. I have one incapacitated parent, the other barely able to cope with their care and running a household, and they have big money problems that were preventable. So now their kids - none of us are wealthy- are dealing with the outfall of helping with care even tho we live far away, helping with neverending financial issues, etc. It has been a lesson learned for me on planning for the future.
Anonymous
Post 06/05/2023 07:40     Subject: Re:This is what happens....
Anonymous wrote:

To the young poster with parents in their 50s, you could really help educate them by giving them this web site to look at. Also by encouraging them to join and support any senior center in their community, especially if it offers free community programs on aging, future legal and financial decision-making, Medicare versus Medicaid etc. They are young enough that they should talk to their financial planner or go to a Certified Financial Planner for a fee-based one or two session evaluation of their financial resources and whether long term care insurance would make sense, especially since you are an only child.

OP - It is unclear just exactly what you would have to offer in terms on funds or direct supportive care of your parents. If you have not done so, it might make more sense to talk to your sister (with OCD) and see for the present what might be helpful to her, being clear that you will have set boundaries in not shifting your work/family life around or whatever else is key for you to keep a balance. For her, non-judgmental things you could offer would be finding an agency or private person as through Care.com to provide respite on a night or weekend time that would be helpful to her. Also possibly, to offer to cover meals ordered from a company or dinner from local restaurants a couple of times a week, a cleaning service to come perhaps once or twice a month etc. Or would she like a local person who deals with elderly persons to help her figure things out as she is the person onsite call an Elder Care consultant or whatever - you can research likely through Office of Aging in their area.

I would back off from directly helping your folks and try to reach out to your sister in a respectful manner.


Done, and has been done for a while. Alll services are advising them to sell and downsize to alleviate their financial stress. It’s THE solution. It will make them go from broke and living on social security, to having over a 1/2 mil from the sale in the bank. They CAN help themselves. They won’t.