Anonymous
Post 05/31/2023 10:31     Subject: Best toddler tips you have or have received from parents with "good kids"
Minimize usage of the the cycle of warnings and consequences. It’s mostly worthless. Use it only for things that are safety issues or involve violence. You don’t have to threaten a kids screen time or desert because they won’t leave the park quickly or won’t put on a jacket. You just create a cycle of bargaining and negotiation where your kids only listen if you make numerous threats. Also, if you’re mad at a kid it’s your fault, not theirs.
Anonymous
Post 05/31/2023 07:23     Subject: Re:Best toddler tips you have or have received from parents with "good kids"
Anonymous wrote:Don't make idle threats!


Agree with this. Also, minimize warnings and be willing to pull out the big consequences. With my first, I was willing to, say, leave the park if he went out of bounds. With our third, there was a lot more warning and alot more caving to tears (partly because of COVID stress) and we paid for it for years.
Anonymous
Post 05/31/2023 02:24     Subject: Best toddler tips you have or have received from parents with "good kids"
Anonymous wrote:Sometimes you need to know when your child needs compassion more than punishment. It can be hard to discern, but eventually you can tell when your kid is intentionally pushing boundaries vs just having a tough time. If it’s the latter, then no amount of consequences will change anything.

We’ve all had tough days where sometimes we just need someone to give us a break. I will give my kids a hug when I think they need it. That usually helps them calm down and we can talk things through. I started this young with them.



This is something I struggle with. My parents were very strict and old school and I work with kids and I very much want children who are well behaved so my instinct is often to correct and consequence instead of empathize and chill
Anonymous
Post 05/31/2023 02:21     Subject: Best toddler tips you have or have received from parents with "good kids"
Anonymous wrote:The buck stops with you. If your three year old has a meltdown or misbehaves it is your fault. Have realistic expectations and meditate on what YOU need to change to set them up for success. If my kids make a mistake it's my mistake.

This is an example of a parent giving bad advice.

Anonymous
Post 05/30/2023 21:08     Subject: Best toddler tips you have or have received from parents with "good kids"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The buck stops with you. If your three year old has a meltdown or misbehaves it is your fault. Have realistic expectations and meditate on what YOU need to change to set them up for success. If my kids make a mistake it's my mistake.


Disagree and I think this would make some parents overly anxious to the point that it would inhibit good parenting. While I do definitely think parents are largely responsible for teaching their children how to manage emotions and should be setting their kids up for success, I would see a 3y/o misbehaving in an age appropriate way as no one’s fault. It’s an opportunity for learning but I wouldn’t view the parent or child as bad or assign fault.


Behavior indicates a need. A three year old misbehaving is indicating a need, a need the parent can meet. I'm not saying there shouldn't be misbehavior, quite the opposite. Misbehavior is an opportunity to learn and I'm the one responsible for teaching them.


I'm sure a 3 yr old thinks I can meet the need. But that doesn't mean I will. She may think she needs to wear flip flops and a bathing suit to school when it's 10 below. And while maybe I could allow her to do that, to meet the "need", I'm not crazy and neglectful and won't allow it. She can have a choice of more suitable attire and a tantrum won't be changing my mind.


Are you being purposely obtuse? Her need here isn't to wear flip flops. It's to be told no she has to wear appropriate clothing for the weather. You are meeting her need by saying no. That's the point.


You're a piss poor communicator. Do you understand what a need even is?
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2023 20:36     Subject: Best toddler tips you have or have received from parents with "good kids"
Sometimes you need to know when your child needs compassion more than punishment. It can be hard to discern, but eventually you can tell when your kid is intentionally pushing boundaries vs just having a tough time. If it’s the latter, then no amount of consequences will change anything.

We’ve all had tough days where sometimes we just need someone to give us a break. I will give my kids a hug when I think they need it. That usually helps them calm down and we can talk things through. I started this young with them.
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2023 20:29     Subject: Best toddler tips you have or have received from parents with "good kids"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The buck stops with you. If your three year old has a meltdown or misbehaves it is your fault. Have realistic expectations and meditate on what YOU need to change to set them up for success. If my kids make a mistake it's my mistake.


Disagree and I think this would make some parents overly anxious to the point that it would inhibit good parenting. While I do definitely think parents are largely responsible for teaching their children how to manage emotions and should be setting their kids up for success, I would see a 3y/o misbehaving in an age appropriate way as no one’s fault. It’s an opportunity for learning but I wouldn’t view the parent or child as bad or assign fault.


Behavior indicates a need. A three year old misbehaving is indicating a need, a need the parent can meet. I'm not saying there shouldn't be misbehavior, quite the opposite. Misbehavior is an opportunity to learn and I'm the one responsible for teaching them.


That's not what you said before though. You said "If your three year old has a meltdown or misbehaves it is your fault."

I agree a 3 yr old who is melting down has an unmet need, but a major reason 3 yr olds are prone to melt downs is that they are at an age of development where they don't always understand what their needs are, or how to communicate them. That's why the age is challenging and requires a lot of empathy and patience. You will not always be able to figure out what they need, and sometimes you just have to help them through it. But they might "misbehave" in the meantime. It's normal, and not evidence of your failure as a parent.
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2023 20:03     Subject: Re:Best toddler tips you have or have received from parents with "good kids"
Anonymous wrote:The best parenting advice I've ever received, and which I remind myself often, is: parent the child you have.

It works for all ages. People will try to sell you on parenting approaches that worked for their kids, or that they heard are the "best" way to parent. And you will try that stuff and feel like a failure when it doesn't work for your kid. But not everything works for all kids.

Example:

One of my kids is highly sensitive. To everything -- strong smells, loud noises, strong emotions. She is just more reactive to her surroundings and less "go with the flow" than the other kid. If I parented them in the exact same way, she'd be really anxious and difficult because when she feels overwhelmed by her surroundings (which happens easily) she becomes highly rigid and controlling. So something that might work with my older kid, like setting a timer for getting ready in the morning, will simply stress her out and make it harder to get out the door. I have to approach it differently.

So when a parenting approach makes sense and works for you, great! You found the right approach for your kid, whether it came to you naturally or you got it from a book or whatever. But if something you do doesn't work, no matter why you did it, just accept "ok, this is not right for this kid, let me think about what will work better." THAT is what makes for a good parent -- the ability to adjust, to stop doing things that aren't working for your family, and to get creative and come up with solutions that do work even if it's not what everyone else does.

Never trust anyone who thinks they know the "one, correct way" to parent. They are myopic and simply don't have enough experience with different kinds of kids.


+1000

As someone with two very different DCs I have learned their needs and tolerances are different. Nature and nurture work in concert with each other! (All “bad” kids are not always the parents fault, and all “good”
Kids aren’t necessarily from some amazing parenting).
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2023 20:00     Subject: Re:Best toddler tips you have or have received from parents with "good kids"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The best parenting advice I've ever received, and which I remind myself often, is: parent the child you have.

It works for all ages. People will try to sell you on parenting approaches that worked for their kids, or that they heard are the "best" way to parent. And you will try that stuff and feel like a failure when it doesn't work for your kid. But not everything works for all kids.

Example:

One of my kids is highly sensitive. To everything -- strong smells, loud noises, strong emotions. She is just more reactive to her surroundings and less "go with the flow" than the other kid. If I parented them in the exact same way, she'd be really anxious and difficult because when she feels overwhelmed by her surroundings (which happens easily) she becomes highly rigid and controlling. So something that might work with my older kid, like setting a timer for getting ready in the morning, will simply stress her out and make it harder to get out the door. I have to approach it differently.

So when a parenting approach makes sense and works for you, great! You found the right approach for your kid, whether it came to you naturally or you got it from a book or whatever. But if something you do doesn't work, no matter why you did it, just accept "ok, this is not right for this kid, let me think about what will work better." THAT is what makes for a good parent -- the ability to adjust, to stop doing things that aren't working for your family, and to get creative and come up with solutions that do work even if it's not what everyone else does.

Never trust anyone who thinks they know the "one, correct way" to parent. They are myopic and simply don't have enough experience with different kinds of kids.


I absolutely agree with this. Different kids (and different parents!) well find different approaches effective. Do what works best for your family.

And also: little kids will listen and model. Demonstrate the behaviors and speech and habits you want them to pick up consistently.


This x 10000

Be the parent you want your kid to have and you’re more likely to have the kid you want.


This makes me ROFL. My immigrant parents were 100% the parents the wanted us to have. Though well-intentioned, their thoughts about parenting were a really bad fit for this society and we kids clashed with our parents repeatedly.

My suggestion would be to simply pay attention to your kids and what they need, instead of trying to be a particular type of parent.


In many ways that’s quite impressive. What I mean, and what I think others caught but could have been more explicit, is if you want children who are polite, you have to be polite. You can’t yell at a kid all day and expect a kid who doesn’t yell. If you want a kid who can express their feelings you have to express your feelings.
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2023 19:53     Subject: Best toddler tips you have or have received from parents with "good kids"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The buck stops with you. If your three year old has a meltdown or misbehaves it is your fault. Have realistic expectations and meditate on what YOU need to change to set them up for success. If my kids make a mistake it's my mistake.


Disagree and I think this would make some parents overly anxious to the point that it would inhibit good parenting. While I do definitely think parents are largely responsible for teaching their children how to manage emotions and should be setting their kids up for success, I would see a 3y/o misbehaving in an age appropriate way as no one’s fault. It’s an opportunity for learning but I wouldn’t view the parent or child as bad or assign fault.


Behavior indicates a need. A three year old misbehaving is indicating a need, a need the parent can meet. I'm not saying there shouldn't be misbehavior, quite the opposite. Misbehavior is an opportunity to learn and I'm the one responsible for teaching them.


I'm sure a 3 yr old thinks I can meet the need. But that doesn't mean I will. She may think she needs to wear flip flops and a bathing suit to school when it's 10 below. And while maybe I could allow her to do that, to meet the "need", I'm not crazy and neglectful and won't allow it. She can have a choice of more suitable attire and a tantrum won't be changing my mind.


Are you being purposely obtuse? Her need here isn't to wear flip flops. It's to be told no she has to wear appropriate clothing for the weather. You are meeting her need by saying no. That's the point.


And many three year olds will pitch a fit about it. That doesn't mean the parent is not doing the right thing. Of course they are right by setting and enforcing reasonable limits. A parent can do everything right and still have a kid having a tantrum. We're objecting to the PPs take that any misbehavior is ultimately the parent's fault. That's flat out ridiculous.
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2023 19:33     Subject: Best toddler tips you have or have received from parents with "good kids"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The buck stops with you. If your three year old has a meltdown or misbehaves it is your fault. Have realistic expectations and meditate on what YOU need to change to set them up for success. If my kids make a mistake it's my mistake.


Disagree and I think this would make some parents overly anxious to the point that it would inhibit good parenting. While I do definitely think parents are largely responsible for teaching their children how to manage emotions and should be setting their kids up for success, I would see a 3y/o misbehaving in an age appropriate way as no one’s fault. It’s an opportunity for learning but I wouldn’t view the parent or child as bad or assign fault.


Behavior indicates a need. A three year old misbehaving is indicating a need, a need the parent can meet. I'm not saying there shouldn't be misbehavior, quite the opposite. Misbehavior is an opportunity to learn and I'm the one responsible for teaching them.


I'm sure a 3 yr old thinks I can meet the need. But that doesn't mean I will. She may think she needs to wear flip flops and a bathing suit to school when it's 10 below. And while maybe I could allow her to do that, to meet the "need", I'm not crazy and neglectful and won't allow it. She can have a choice of more suitable attire and a tantrum won't be changing my mind.


Are you being purposely obtuse? Her need here isn't to wear flip flops. It's to be told no she has to wear appropriate clothing for the weather. You are meeting her need by saying no. That's the point.
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2023 19:08     Subject: Best toddler tips you have or have received from parents with "good kids"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The buck stops with you. If your three year old has a meltdown or misbehaves it is your fault. Have realistic expectations and meditate on what YOU need to change to set them up for success. If my kids make a mistake it's my mistake.


Disagree and I think this would make some parents overly anxious to the point that it would inhibit good parenting. While I do definitely think parents are largely responsible for teaching their children how to manage emotions and should be setting their kids up for success, I would see a 3y/o misbehaving in an age appropriate way as no one’s fault. It’s an opportunity for learning but I wouldn’t view the parent or child as bad or assign fault.


Behavior indicates a need. A three year old misbehaving is indicating a need, a need the parent can meet. I'm not saying there shouldn't be misbehavior, quite the opposite. Misbehavior is an opportunity to learn and I'm the one responsible for teaching them.


I'm sure a 3 yr old thinks I can meet the need. But that doesn't mean I will. She may think she needs to wear flip flops and a bathing suit to school when it's 10 below. And while maybe I could allow her to do that, to meet the "need", I'm not crazy and neglectful and won't allow it. She can have a choice of more suitable attire and a tantrum won't be changing my mind.
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2023 18:53     Subject: Best toddler tips you have or have received from parents with "good kids"
1) always remember, there is a reason that patience is a virtue.
2) do not allow ro much screen time, including TV, and never had dinner
3) Establish a routine - play outside, eat dinner, bath, read a book and then to bed
4) give choices, but very limited choices
5) be careful what you say regarding punishment, because you really have to follow through routinely
6) make sure they can play quietly by themselves though expect it for for short timeframes (I think one of the added benefits to taking young kids to church if they learn to sit still and see many other young kids doing the same)
7) start manners young
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2023 18:41     Subject: Best toddler tips you have or have received from parents with "good kids"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The buck stops with you. If your three year old has a meltdown or misbehaves it is your fault. Have realistic expectations and meditate on what YOU need to change to set them up for success. If my kids make a mistake it's my mistake.


Disagree and I think this would make some parents overly anxious to the point that it would inhibit good parenting. While I do definitely think parents are largely responsible for teaching their children how to manage emotions and should be setting their kids up for success, I would see a 3y/o misbehaving in an age appropriate way as no one’s fault. It’s an opportunity for learning but I wouldn’t view the parent or child as bad or assign fault.


Behavior indicates a need. A three year old misbehaving is indicating a need, a need the parent can meet. I'm not saying there shouldn't be misbehavior, quite the opposite. Misbehavior is an opportunity to learn and I'm the one responsible for teaching them.


+1

Plus, if you are ruling out SN, it makes a difference.
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2023 18:39     Subject: Best toddler tips you have or have received from parents with "good kids"
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The buck stops with you. If your three year old has a meltdown or misbehaves it is your fault. Have realistic expectations and meditate on what YOU need to change to set them up for success. If my kids make a mistake it's my mistake.


Disagree and I think this would make some parents overly anxious to the point that it would inhibit good parenting. While I do definitely think parents are largely responsible for teaching their children how to manage emotions and should be setting their kids up for success, I would see a 3y/o misbehaving in an age appropriate way as no one’s fault. It’s an opportunity for learning but I wouldn’t view the parent or child as bad or assign fault.


Behavior indicates a need. A three year old misbehaving is indicating a need, a need the parent can meet. I'm not saying there shouldn't be misbehavior, quite the opposite. Misbehavior is an opportunity to learn and I'm the one responsible for teaching them.