Anonymous
05/23/2023 15:29
Subject: Wish I'd had another kid regret?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:DH and I had an emotional discussion a few months ago and he set out the case for why he thinks 3 would be terrible, but then told me that if I really want 3 (like I would regret it forever if we
Anonymous wrote:I still get sad or jealous when I see others with 3 kids (I feel like it's almost a status symbol among professional women now), but I'm also anxious, high strung, hated being pregnant etc.
How do you feel that having 3 kids is a status symbol for professional women? Is it because it proves that the women can juggle 3 kids along with a demanding career? Or is it more about the families being able to afford 3 kids (and 3 college tuitions)? I ask because I have a professional career now, but I think I would quit to be a SAHM if I were to go for a 3rd. Mostly for my sanity. I don't know how families manage 3 kids and 2 full-time jobs, unless the grandparents are living in the same house.
I think it's mostly the first, at least in my circles (professional women with advanced degrees- not saying we're better than others just that it's probably different for example for Catholic families with SAHMs.) But it may just be in my mind.... like "oh look, I am a doctor/lawyer/professor and I can do it all, including have 3 kids!" Sometimes as a bit of a complaint like "oh, it's so hard for me with my 5 kids, we don't make nearly enough money and I didn't get enough leave for it," but in my mind it gets translated as "look at me, am I not the greatest, I'm both a high-powered career woman and a self-sacrificing mom! I also do all the Girl Scouts activities!"
Anonymous
05/23/2023 15:20
Subject: Re:Wish I'd had another kid regret?
I do think that part of this is that you're closing that door forever. What used to be "maybe one day" is getting relegated to "never." Also combined with the feeling of getting older and closer to death and all that. Like a few months ago, when I was at a peak emotional state with this, I'd be like "WHY am I even still having a stupid period if this is freaking it??"
One thing DH and I talked about is that we'll be able to better support our 2 kids so that we can maybe move closer to them and help them out more than our parents helped us (we have great relationships with our families but live at a distance for a combination of reasons, mostly where people got jobs). Like maybe we can even mostly retire in our 50s? Maybe our kids will be more likely to have multiple kids if they have more support. Obviously there are many unknowns - we could just die, one kid could move to South Africa and the other to Australia, being close to us in adulthood could make them not want to have kids, DC could get nuked tomorrow etc etc.
One thing DH and I talked about is that we'll be able to better support our 2 kids so that we can maybe move closer to them and help them out more than our parents helped us (we have great relationships with our families but live at a distance for a combination of reasons, mostly where people got jobs). Like maybe we can even mostly retire in our 50s? Maybe our kids will be more likely to have multiple kids if they have more support. Obviously there are many unknowns - we could just die, one kid could move to South Africa and the other to Australia, being close to us in adulthood could make them not want to have kids, DC could get nuked tomorrow etc etc.
Anonymous
05/23/2023 14:36
Subject: Wish I'd had another kid regret?
Go do a lot of fun stuff with your kids that you could not do if you had a baby.
Appreciate that a lot of vacation packages are for families if 4, not 5.
Get a puppy. Seriously it helps.
Appreciate that a lot of vacation packages are for families if 4, not 5.
Get a puppy. Seriously it helps.
Anonymous
05/23/2023 10:44
Subject: Wish I'd had another kid regret?
I’m 41 with one in middle school and one in elementary school. I do feel sadness but try to focus on things I can do now that weren’t possible previously with a baby/toddler.
Plus, I am in the “driving years” with my older one.
Plus, I am in the “driving years” with my older one.
Anonymous
05/23/2023 09:15
Subject: Re:Wish I'd had another kid regret?
I sometimes feel a pang of longing for a second child, especially when I look at photos of my only from when she was younger, or when I see siblings playing happily together, or when someone I know has a baby. It can be hard at times.
But then I think about why I stopped at one (very hard pregnancy followed by a year of bad PPD, no family help, the knowledge that our finances work well with one but would be a stretch with two) and feel content in my choice. I also recognize that while new babies are delightful and of course it's sweet and cute when siblings are great together, that's not the every day reality of having two. And especially given that we stopped at one because we were worried about have the resources for two (not just money, but physical/mental/emotional/family resources), I think that two would have been very hard on me and thus hard on my kids.
My only is a happy, rewarding, wonderful child and I feel lucky to have had her at all. Under other circumstances I probably would have had another, but that's someone else's life, not mine.
But then I think about why I stopped at one (very hard pregnancy followed by a year of bad PPD, no family help, the knowledge that our finances work well with one but would be a stretch with two) and feel content in my choice. I also recognize that while new babies are delightful and of course it's sweet and cute when siblings are great together, that's not the every day reality of having two. And especially given that we stopped at one because we were worried about have the resources for two (not just money, but physical/mental/emotional/family resources), I think that two would have been very hard on me and thus hard on my kids.
My only is a happy, rewarding, wonderful child and I feel lucky to have had her at all. Under other circumstances I probably would have had another, but that's someone else's life, not mine.
Anonymous
05/23/2023 09:05
Subject: Wish I'd had another kid regret?
I'm trying at 43. That way, in a couple of years at menopause, I can tell myself that I tried. Not going to do egg donor, or anything radical, so it's probably not going to work. But I'm trying just enough that it will eliminate regrets.
I know myself way too well.
Anonymous
05/23/2023 08:37
Subject: Wish I'd had another kid regret?
Anonymous wrote:I have this regret about not having a third (am now 45).
It would have killed my career esp during covid, plus one of my kids (they are 7 and 9) has adhd and needs extra attn. BUT I still find myself thinking about this every day. Anyone else in the same boat? How do I get past this feeling? URGH.
No, never
Anonymous
05/23/2023 08:09
Subject: Re:Wish I'd had another kid regret?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why dual-working couples choose to have three kids. If you love kids *that much* that you go above and beyond the norm, why don’t you also want to spend most of your time with them?
The wealthy three kid families I know are overscheduled and depend on “the nanny” for everything.
Uh, maybe some of us work to afford the three kids. It’s great if one spouse is a big law partner and the other spouse can have a flexible career or stay home, but most of us are two earner families saving for retirement, college, paying for camp, childcare, preschools, private schools/living in a decent school district, extracurriculars, and the rising cost of everything - even regular haircuts for a family of five is expensive.
Then… don’t stretch yourself by having three brats when you can only afford two
So to make sure I have this straight: you’re suggesting people don’t have three kids unless they can afford a stay at home parent? Why don’t you keep your ridiculous judgements to yourself.
Anonymous
05/23/2023 07:31
Subject: Wish I'd had another kid regret?
43 and I wish I had 3. I also know that our reasons for stopping at two were sound, and have witnessed things go off the rails for others in the family who went for a third (severe special needs and multiples) so I am mostly at piece with it but still a little wistful and don’t think that will ever change. I focus on enjoying the things just having two allows us.