Anonymous wrote:OP here - my husband and I have been talking this through and are considering pooling resources and chipping in some savings that we can afford to put "on hold" for a few years to buy a one-bedroom condo that MIL can live in. When she passes away or can't live on her own anymore, it will be sold or kept as an investment property. This is all contingent upon (a) convincing her to move to our area, and (b) agreement among the brothers.

Of course, moving her down here is another can worms... Once she can't drive anymore, and needs more care, she will be become our responsibility. I'm not willing to pay for care - we will have to get her on Medicaid - but all the coordination and oversight will fall to me. And I already have my own aging parent (with actual health issues, while lives locally) to look after.

I would not do this. It will not be good for you or your marriage.

OP here - my husband and I have been talking this through and are considering pooling resources and chipping in some savings that we can afford to put "on hold" for a few years to buy a one-bedroom condo that MIL can live in. When she passes away or can't live on her own anymore, it will be sold or kept as an investment property. This is all contingent upon (a) convincing her to move to our area, and (b) agreement among the brothers.

Of course, moving her down here is another can worms... Once she can't drive anymore, and needs more care, she will be become our responsibility. I'm not willing to pay for care - we will have to get her on Medicaid - but all the coordination and oversight will fall to me. And I already have my own aging parent (with actual health issues, while lives locally) to look after.

Some of the advice here is really harsh and hateful. Remember one day your kids may do to you what you did to your family.

Like force me to curb unnecessary spending and be financially responsible? I sure hope so.

Anonymous wrote:Can she get a reverse mortgage?

She is renting.

Set an example for your children ~ think of it that way if you need to empower yourself. "Make good decisions. Even when they are hard". Common' you can do it, you can be the responsible adults. Even if it makes Mommy mad.

Can she get a reverse mortgage?

Not my MIL but BIL, we pay all of his bills online and give him $300 a month until his social security kicks in at the end of June. Been a year or two now. It's the only way we can trust him because he LOVES giving the casino church money he can't afford to give so it has to be this way. His food and housing are covered so he won't go hungry and his house was left to him after his father passed. All needed repairs we pay for.
I order anything he needs outside of food and give him a gas card monthly. He doesn't have the mental capacity to understand why we do this but he understands why we have to.
When my mother passed away I promised my sister I would look after her until my last breath and even then my husband will see to it she has her needs taken care of. We make sure she has food and gas and new shoes/clothes. She has no extras so we provide for that.
Whether we like it or not we are our family's keeper.
If you can relieve anyone's financial stress, do it. If not then explain why.
The absolute most depressing thing is hearing someone say nobody cares. YOU be the one that does. And keep it to yourself. No one has to know. My own siblings, FAKE Christians, never ever think about others. God knows.
Some of the advice here is really harsh and hateful. Remember one day your kids may do to you what you did to your family.
Happy Mother's Day.

Anonymous wrote:Tell her she won't get a nickel until she appoints you as a legal guardian to control her finances. It's the only way to protect her and you.

This. If she doesn’t like the terms, she can go elsewhere for the money.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP, these situations become more complicated when there are siblings. If the other siblings have contributed, then it doesn't seem like your DH can refuse this first request, though that doesn't mean it is unconditional.

lol yes you can. Just because your siblings are enabling mom to waste money doesn’t mean you have to. If your siblings don’t like it, let them seethe.

I still think this is complicated. If me, I would be thinking about the siblings' angle as well as the parent. Ideally OP's DH and the siblings can have a rational discussion on how to proceed.

But OP and DH need to get on the same page before the sibling conversation. They need to figure out their boundaries together, then he should talk with his siblings.

The siblings together spent, according to OP, ~$200k on MIL, without consulting OP's husband. They felt no obligation to discuss it first, and OP and her DH should feel no compunction to follow a plan they had no part in selecting. Don't be ridiculous.

I’m not being ridiculous. They need to talk it out. These are high stakes and how families become estranged. OP’s DH should ask for a meeting and try to come to some common ground on moving forward. Ideally the siblings are able to get on the same page.

Tell her she won't get a nickel until she appoints you as a legal guardian to control her finances. It's the only way to protect her and you.

Anonymous wrote:Don't do it. Right now the crisis is her lifestyle choices - save funding her until it's an actual crisis. At 85 years old, she will likely at some point in the near future have increased health and care needs, which are very expensive and sounds like she definitely won't be able to afford herself.

However, I would suggest DH and his siblings definitely use this as an opportunity to get more information about her finances. Do not give any $ without his getting a full look at her finances and spending. As others have mentioned, increased care and nursing home level of care can run more than $5k/month - so really DH needs to start looking at the very likely financial challenges MIL could face in the future if she needs care (and she has no savings to support).

If she has no assets she may qualify for Medicaid for nursing home.

Don't do it. Right now the crisis is her lifestyle choices - save funding her until it's an actual crisis. At 85 years old, she will likely at some point in the near future have increased health and care needs, which are very expensive and sounds like she definitely won't be able to afford herself.

However, I would suggest DH and his siblings definitely use this as an opportunity to get more information about her finances. Do not give any $ without his getting a full look at her finances and spending. As others have mentioned, increased care and nursing home level of care can run more than $5k/month - so really DH needs to start looking at the very likely financial challenges MIL could face in the future if she needs care (and she has no savings to support).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP, these situations become more complicated when there are siblings. If the other siblings have contributed, then it doesn't seem like your DH can refuse this first request, though that doesn't mean it is unconditional.

lol yes you can. Just because your siblings are enabling mom to waste money doesn’t mean you have to. If your siblings don’t like it, let them seethe.

I still think this is complicated. If me, I would be thinking about the siblings' angle as well as the parent. Ideally OP's DH and the siblings can have a rational discussion on how to proceed.

But OP and DH need to get on the same page before the sibling conversation. They need to figure out their boundaries together, then he should talk with his siblings.

The siblings together spent, according to OP, ~$200k on MIL, without consulting OP's husband. They felt no obligation to discuss it first, and OP and her DH should feel no compunction to follow a plan they had no part in selecting. Don't be ridiculous.

MIL is coming to you because she is out of options. Her credit card is probably maxed out.

Anonymous wrote:

OP, these situations become more complicated when there are siblings. If the other siblings have contributed, then it doesn't seem like your DH can refuse this first request, though that doesn't mean it is unconditional.

lol yes you can. Just because your siblings are enabling mom to waste money doesn’t mean you have to. If your siblings don’t like it, let them seethe.

I still think this is complicated. If me, I would be thinking about the siblings' angle as well as the parent. Ideally OP's DH and the siblings can have a rational discussion on how to proceed.

But OP and DH need to get on the same page before the sibling conversation. They need to figure out their boundaries together, then he should talk with his siblings.