Anonymous
Post 05/03/2023 09:08     Subject: Re:Do you parents/ILs pay for
That is awful. In those instances, I would definitely say thank you, no thank you. I wonder though if those kinds of parents would be intrusive and overbearing even if money weren’t involved. We all know parents like those.
Anonymous
Post 05/03/2023 08:03     Subject: Do you parents/ILs pay for
Anonymous wrote:Why is this a problem? I couldn’t care less if everyone knew that the kids were being funded by the grandparents. I think they would think those are some very lucky grandkids and leave it at that!


We don’t take money from our parents because the second we did, they would go into overbearing, overly involved mode. I’ve seen many friends have to put up with intrusive, overbearing grandparent behavior because that money comes with strings attached. I think a lot of the time, people who take the money are embarrassed that they have to put up with grandparent antics. We all know the type, and it’s a bit humiliating to have to put up with controlling, intrusive behavior. I know a woman who tolerates horrible comments about her weight and her kids’ appearance because of the financial dependency. It’s pretty pathetic when adults endure that kind of crap rather than paying their own way and living their own lives.
Anonymous
Post 05/03/2023 07:57     Subject: Re:Do you parents/ILs pay for
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:DH's parents give us:
-$40K/year as a family for us to spend as we wish
-Put $15K/year in each of our three children's 529s
-Gave us $350K when we got married and paid for our wedding
-Created a trust for DH that will be worth between $10-13 million when they die
-Allow us access to their two vacation homes (in Naples, FL and the Catskills) throughout the year
-Take us out to eat at nice restaurants when they visit
-Buy our children nice presents throughout the year

My parents give us:
-Around $2K/year in financial gifts
-Assist with childcare 2-3 times each year (never alone; either with one parent when the other parent is traveling or with our nanny) and occasionally take our dogs for a few days if we are traveling
-Buy our children nice presents throughout the year

/
For those of you with one family of means or at least one that is much more generous, have things been awkward? Are there any expectations for the family to be involved in decision making?


In our case, there isn't too much awkwardness. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable with their generosity, but, they do not seem to have any expectations regarding involvement in our decision making. Their gifts do not come with strings attached and we are all very close.
Anonymous
Post 05/03/2023 04:30     Subject: Re:Do you parents/ILs pay for
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:DH's parents give us:
-$40K/year as a family for us to spend as we wish
-Put $15K/year in each of our three children's 529s
-Gave us $350K when we got married and paid for our wedding
-Created a trust for DH that will be worth between $10-13 million when they die
-Allow us access to their two vacation homes (in Naples, FL and the Catskills) throughout the year
-Take us out to eat at nice restaurants when they visit
-Buy our children nice presents throughout the year

My parents give us:
-Around $2K/year in financial gifts
-Assist with childcare 2-3 times each year (never alone; either with one parent when the other parent is traveling or with our nanny) and occasionally take our dogs for a few days if we are traveling
-Buy our children nice presents throughout the year

/
For those of you with one family of means or at least one that is much more generous, have things been awkward? Are there any expectations for the family to be involved in decision making?


Also never awkward. Our families do not make any decisions for us, nor are they involved unless we ask for advice. Both families prefer this and do not cross boundaries unsolicited.
Anonymous
Post 05/03/2023 04:05     Subject: Do you parents/ILs pay for
This is our situation and things are never awkward because there are no strings attached to things like private school tuition or annual gifting. It is just because they love us and know they can’t take it with them in the end. I am not sure about the last question though… do you mean do they ask us what we want? They offer, we say yes. We never ask. The only thing I was a little irked at is they set up trust funds for the grandkids but never asked us, as parents, how we wanted the trust to be structured in terms of disbursements and age… I would have liked to have been a part of that discussion.
Anonymous
Post 05/02/2023 22:00     Subject: Re:Do you parents/ILs pay for
Anonymous wrote:DH's parents give us:
-$40K/year as a family for us to spend as we wish
-Put $15K/year in each of our three children's 529s
-Gave us $350K when we got married and paid for our wedding
-Created a trust for DH that will be worth between $10-13 million when they die
-Allow us access to their two vacation homes (in Naples, FL and the Catskills) throughout the year
-Take us out to eat at nice restaurants when they visit
-Buy our children nice presents throughout the year

My parents give us:
-Around $2K/year in financial gifts
-Assist with childcare 2-3 times each year (never alone; either with one parent when the other parent is traveling or with our nanny) and occasionally take our dogs for a few days if we are traveling
-Buy our children nice presents throughout the year

/
For those of you with one family of means or at least one that is much more generous, have things been awkward? Are there any expectations for the family to be involved in decision making?
Anonymous
Post 05/02/2023 14:07     Subject: Do you parents/ILs pay for
Anonymous wrote:Why is this a problem? I couldn’t care less if everyone knew that the kids were being funded by the grandparents. I think they would think those are some very lucky grandkids and leave it at that!


Right? I think it’s more that the person in question didn’t want everyone knowing because they didn’t want the arrangement to extend to others grandkids! More money for them when dad dies.

Ugh. I hate people.

More money more problems.
Anonymous
Post 05/02/2023 12:58     Subject: Do you parents/ILs pay for
Mine could help pay. But we are firm believers in public education.
Anonymous
Post 05/02/2023 12:55     Subject: Re:Do you parents/ILs pay for
DH's parents give us:
-$40K/year as a family for us to spend as we wish
-Put $15K/year in each of our three children's 529s
-Gave us $350K when we got married and paid for our wedding
-Created a trust for DH that will be worth between $10-13 million when they die
-Allow us access to their two vacation homes (in Naples, FL and the Catskills) throughout the year
-Take us out to eat at nice restaurants when they visit
-Buy our children nice presents throughout the year

My parents give us:
-Around $2K/year in financial gifts
-Assist with childcare 2-3 times each year (never alone; either with one parent when the other parent is traveling or with our nanny) and occasionally take our dogs for a few days if we are traveling
-Buy our children nice presents throughout the year
Anonymous
Post 05/02/2023 12:10     Subject: Do you parents/ILs pay for
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:my parents have many times offered to pay for or contribute to the kids privates - and they have net worth of at least $20m - but i would never allow bc i am a GROWN ADULT. Insane to me that ppl allow this.


You are insane not to accept the cash, if it’s given unconditionally.


This. And it is a luxury to be able to have that attitude. The first PP is so privileged that s/he doesn't even realize this.
Anonymous
Post 05/02/2023 12:09     Subject: Do you parents/ILs pay for
Anonymous wrote:Private School tuition? If so, all or some/how much/is it on a regular basis? Do you expect them to pay? How often do you or your spouse ask them? Are there other regular payments that they make or that you expect them to make?


Our parents haven't paid for sh-- for me or my DH since we turned 18. Even when I asked for help with something in my 20's, a necessity not a frivolous thing, they said no.

They had a lot of help, financially and hands on, from their parents. So, it irks me greatly. But it's not going to change. And as far as I'm concerned, they better not ask me for a penny.
Anonymous
Post 05/02/2023 12:07     Subject: Do you parents/ILs pay for
Why is this a problem? I couldn’t care less if everyone knew that the kids were being funded by the grandparents. I think they would think those are some very lucky grandkids and leave it at that!
Anonymous
Post 05/02/2023 12:00     Subject: Re:Do you parents/ILs pay for
Anonymous wrote:Grandparents are also awesome gossips. All of their friends and family members probably know who is paying for what and which kids are being helped out in a significant way.
I have a relative who is a Biglaw partner whose dad was explaining in a fair amount of detail how he is paying for all of college and expenses for his granddaughter (the partner's daughter) to the full extended family right when the relative and his family arrived at the family party. The partner wasn't thrilled that everyone now knows the full arrangement like that. If you have any qualms about people knowing beyond an anonymous board, you might tell your parents or in-laws .

yes this
Anonymous
Post 05/02/2023 11:59     Subject: Do you parents/ILs pay for
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wow. I thought I was pretty privileged but some of the comments here are blowing my mind!

No, we pay for private school out of our salaries ($220k HHI). We also pay for my parents to come and visit us.

There aren’t two Americas, there are at least three. Poverty, prosperity, and holy heck.


I’m sorry, how are you paying for private school on that salary? It costs a quarter to a half of your income.

Maybe you’re talking about catholic elementary school or something.


yeah this doesn't make sense. granted we are in nyc but 2 kids in private is $110 which is nearly all your post tax income.
Our HHI last year was $1m and I often feel like we have no biz having kids in private.
Anonymous
Post 05/02/2023 11:53     Subject: Do you parents/ILs pay for
Anonymous wrote:Private School tuition? If so, all or some/how much/is it on a regular basis? Do you expect them to pay? How often do you or your spouse ask them? Are there other regular payments that they make or that you expect them to make?


NO. We would never expect our parents or ILs to shoulder our responsibilities. They raised their children, we need to raise ours within our means.