Anonymous
Post 05/01/2023 11:57     Subject: Unfriendly Classmate
My otherwise highly functional daughter had selective mutism as a preschooler, then social anxiety, and it has taken 10 YEARS for her to get to a point where she can say hello to bus-mates in a constrained tone of voice. It's highly likely that this child has something going on that you don't know about, even though, to you, it seems that this child is simply rude.

Also, don't blame the child for what the mother says.

Anonymous
Post 05/01/2023 11:49     Subject: Unfriendly Classmate
My 11 stands in the garage until we see the bus coming, instead of going to the stop which is probably only 50 feet away.

She's not a morning person and we let her wait for the bus as she wants.

It's not rude to want a little space
Anonymous
Post 05/01/2023 11:47     Subject: Unfriendly Classmate
Anonymous wrote:I agree not to say anything to the other parent. Just continue to say hi or good morning to the mom and daughter at the bus stop, whether or not one or both of them return your greeting. That is being polite and is showing by example to your daughter about how to be polite.

As for your daughter, I also agree with what others posted here, that it could be a good learning experience. She may say that the girl doesn’t like her, and you can take the opportunity to say that everybody doesn’t always like everybody else or is friends with everybody and that is OK. You could also take the opportunity to talk about how sometimes you don’t know what somebody else is feeling. The other girl may be quiet or shy, or may be nervous or anxious about school, or may be super tired or grumpy and doesn’t like to talk in the morning.

What you want your daughter to know is it is kind and thoughtful to greet people she knows or new people she meets, regardless of whether she is ignored. If she is feeling hurt by saying hello, or good morning to the other girl and not getting a reply, you could suggest that she wave or smile instead. And then take the opportunity to talk to your daughter about how good it is to focus on her friends and friendships, and being a kind person, even if others may not be the same.


OP here, thank you for the thoughtful response. I definitely am not expecting them to be friends, but I'm just a little put off by the outright rudeness. The parents are not there in the morning. I've also seen it in the afternoon when they get off the bus. My DD will say "bye Larla!" and the girl ignores her then too. It's odd. If her mom is there, I've seen her correct her, so I know her mom knows better.

Correct, I don't know 1000000000% for sure that this girl doesn't have special needs, but having known this family long enough, I am fairly certain. Also, I agree with some of the other posters to say that it's far more likely that she's just rude vs. being on the spectrum (or other issues). But of course, there's always exceptions, and I will try to keep that in mind.

I also don't know 1000000000% for sure that my DD is not mean to her when I'm not there, but I am fairly certain she is not. I've always heard from teachers that DD is very inclusive to others, as well as that being my experience watching her play as well. She's not perfect, but it'd be hard for me to imagine her being outright unkind.

I've told DD to not let it bother her and to continue to be polite. It really only started to irk me when this mom goes off on tirades about "unkind kids" at school for relatively minor infractions like not letting someone play with them at recess one day.
Anonymous
Post 05/01/2023 11:46     Subject: Unfriendly Classmate
My prior office used to have meeting upon meeting about how upset people were that their coworkers didn’t say hi enough in the hallways. Not kidding.

I don’t even know what to say about all of this.
Anonymous
Post 05/01/2023 11:17     Subject: Unfriendly Classmate
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My kid doesn't have special needs and has friends but they are painfully shy. I think if you don't have a kid like this you just don't understand how hard it is for an introverted or shy kid to talk with anyone. She isn't doing anything mean, and you can tell your daughter to say hello to people just to say hello (like I might do on a walk) and that it is ok if this girl is different.

You keep labeling her as unfriendly, and now in your last post say mean. She may just take time to warm up to people.

It shouldn't grind your gears so bad that you and your kid are wrapped up in how the kid doesn't like her (which you could help frame it differently ) and you make a post about a young child on the DCUM board.





Op here. The kids have known each other for years… I have tried to help DD frame it differently, but it’s starting to feel like mean behavior.

I do tell DD to not worry about it. It really didn’t bother me that much until this girl’s mom wouldn’t stop harping on about “mean girls”


You sound ridiculous


Well, what do you or your DD know about this girl OP? Is she one of the mean girls or not? What's she like the rest of the day at school?

FWIW, there is a girl at my DD's bus stop who is not a mean girl at all. She is sweet and kind, and although she and my DD (both 9) are not close friends, they place together at recess, ride bikes around the neighborhood together after school...stuff like that. Her parents are lovely and down to earth -- not mean types at all. This girl is just not a morning person, she is sleepy and grumpy in the morning and clearly doesn't want to socialize. She stands a couple sidewalk squares back from where the other kids are chatting and doesn't greet anyone. Maybe it's a little rude, but I know she is not a mean girl.
Anonymous
Post 05/01/2023 11:13     Subject: Re:Unfriendly Classmate
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My DD used to be painfully shy and would never respond when other kids said hello to her. I didn't scold her for this, but I would reply, so as to model polite behavior for her in a way she could emulate when she felt ready.

I learned the names of the other kids in her class, whether she was friends with them or not, and would say hi to them by name before and after school or if we ran into them in the neighborhood.

So in the situation OP is describing, if her DD said hello to my DD and my DD didn't respond, I would turn and say "Oh hi Larla, good to see you." That way Larla is acknowledged and my DD could see how not scary it is to just respond to someone's greeting. We don't have to have a whole conversation and I wouldn't suddenly be best friends with Larla. But I'd say hi in response to her greeting. I'd probably also turn to Larla's mom and say hello and ask how they are doing. It is not hard and makes life a lot more pleasant when you can have these sorts of low stakes interactions with people you see frequently.

So I'm with OP on this one. It is really rude to just leave a child who is trying to be friendly and neighborly hanging, and while it's forgivable in a child, it's weird for the mom to be so checked out as to not say anything. Oh, and before you yell at me, I'd say the exact same thing if it was a dad. People generally have become so rude and self-absorbed. It's weird. Just say hi, it's not hard.


The only problem with your idea is that the OP doesn't say that the mom is nearby in the morning. So we don't know if she's witnessing this at all.

I agree This is what I'd do.
Anonymous
Post 05/01/2023 11:12     Subject: Unfriendly Classmate
My daughter is painfully shy and often doesn't return greetings even though she and I have discussed this. I am ok with her not always returning greetings. Her body her choice. That is what I tell her. She greets those who she is comfortable and familiar with. I model when I am with her and I can't control her actions when I am not. Don't care if you think it is rude.
Anonymous
Post 05/01/2023 11:10     Subject: Re:Unfriendly Classmate
Anonymous wrote:My DD used to be painfully shy and would never respond when other kids said hello to her. I didn't scold her for this, but I would reply, so as to model polite behavior for her in a way she could emulate when she felt ready.

I learned the names of the other kids in her class, whether she was friends with them or not, and would say hi to them by name before and after school or if we ran into them in the neighborhood.

So in the situation OP is describing, if her DD said hello to my DD and my DD didn't respond, I would turn and say "Oh hi Larla, good to see you." That way Larla is acknowledged and my DD could see how not scary it is to just respond to someone's greeting. We don't have to have a whole conversation and I wouldn't suddenly be best friends with Larla. But I'd say hi in response to her greeting. I'd probably also turn to Larla's mom and say hello and ask how they are doing. It is not hard and makes life a lot more pleasant when you can have these sorts of low stakes interactions with people you see frequently.

So I'm with OP on this one. It is really rude to just leave a child who is trying to be friendly and neighborly hanging, and while it's forgivable in a child, it's weird for the mom to be so checked out as to not say anything. Oh, and before you yell at me, I'd say the exact same thing if it was a dad. People generally have become so rude and self-absorbed. It's weird. Just say hi, it's not hard.


I agree This is what I'd do.
Anonymous
Post 05/01/2023 11:08     Subject: Unfriendly Classmate
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My kid doesn't have special needs and has friends but they are painfully shy. I think if you don't have a kid like this you just don't understand how hard it is for an introverted or shy kid to talk with anyone. She isn't doing anything mean, and you can tell your daughter to say hello to people just to say hello (like I might do on a walk) and that it is ok if this girl is different.

You keep labeling her as unfriendly, and now in your last post say mean. She may just take time to warm up to people.

It shouldn't grind your gears so bad that you and your kid are wrapped up in how the kid doesn't like her (which you could help frame it differently ) and you make a post about a young child on the DCUM board.





Op here. The kids have known each other for years… I have tried to help DD frame it differently, but it’s starting to feel like mean behavior.

I do tell DD to not worry about it. It really didn’t bother me that much until this girl’s mom wouldn’t stop harping on about “mean girls”


You sound ridiculous
Anonymous
Post 05/01/2023 11:02     Subject: Unfriendly Classmate
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Just a note to say not ALL children are on the spectrum, spectrum adjacent, have an anxiety disorder, or some other excuse as a reason to be rude to others. Seriously some people are just rude.


23489237493 people have already said this. OP is agreeing with all of them, why do you need to post this?

I tell my socially awkward girl that people may think she's rude.. I guess I'm right. People suck


You certainly do. Stop lashing out at people for your failure to parent your child.


Or sincerely, get them help. There are therapists that can role play all of this stuff. Help your child. This is extreme anxiety and is affecting their life. My kid had something kind of like this going on that was affecting his life and we got him help.


Is there a therapist who can role play "what to do when someone doesn't return your greeting?" Because it sounds like some kids (or, more likely, their moms) are absolutely melting down about the horrifying "rudeness" in a way that makes me think there's something else going on there.


It is rude, and it's not just kids.

My DH and I have started noticing how common it is for the adults in our neighborhood to just never acknowledge other adults, even ones they see regularly. Just this morning I was walking to school with my DD when a woman walked by with a kid going to the same school. Now, I have seen this woman almost every day for the last two years because we live a couple blocks apart and our kids go to the same school in the same grade. I know she's the child's grandmother, and I also know the child's mother. I would smile and nod or say hello to this family every day for a year and they never once reciprocated. They'd look at me and not smile or just look at me silently after I said hello. It is weird AF but it's really common.

So this morning when this woman went by with this kid, I said nothing because obviously that's how she likes it. And it's apparently how a lot of families in our neighborhood feel. But it's weird and anti-social and one of the reasons kids aren't learning to greet each other or acknowledge one another is because their parents (and grandparents!) don't do it either. I have to assume Covid is part of what is going on, but are we all so broken we can no long say hello to our neighbors? Is this the kind of world we have decided to live in, staring at our phones, refusing basic interactions with anyone not in our inner circle? Because it sucks, and not just for OP's kid.
Anonymous
Post 05/01/2023 10:57     Subject: Re:Unfriendly Classmate
My DD used to be painfully shy and would never respond when other kids said hello to her. I didn't scold her for this, but I would reply, so as to model polite behavior for her in a way she could emulate when she felt ready.

I learned the names of the other kids in her class, whether she was friends with them or not, and would say hi to them by name before and after school or if we ran into them in the neighborhood.

So in the situation OP is describing, if her DD said hello to my DD and my DD didn't respond, I would turn and say "Oh hi Larla, good to see you." That way Larla is acknowledged and my DD could see how not scary it is to just respond to someone's greeting. We don't have to have a whole conversation and I wouldn't suddenly be best friends with Larla. But I'd say hi in response to her greeting. I'd probably also turn to Larla's mom and say hello and ask how they are doing. It is not hard and makes life a lot more pleasant when you can have these sorts of low stakes interactions with people you see frequently.

So I'm with OP on this one. It is really rude to just leave a child who is trying to be friendly and neighborly hanging, and while it's forgivable in a child, it's weird for the mom to be so checked out as to not say anything. Oh, and before you yell at me, I'd say the exact same thing if it was a dad. People generally have become so rude and self-absorbed. It's weird. Just say hi, it's not hard.
Anonymous
Post 05/01/2023 10:50     Subject: Unfriendly Classmate
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Just a note to say not ALL children are on the spectrum, spectrum adjacent, have an anxiety disorder, or some other excuse as a reason to be rude to others. Seriously some people are just rude.


23489237493 people have already said this. OP is agreeing with all of them, why do you need to post this?

I tell my socially awkward girl that people may think she's rude.. I guess I'm right. People suck


You certainly do. Stop lashing out at people for your failure to parent your child.


Or sincerely, get them help. There are therapists that can role play all of this stuff. Help your child. This is extreme anxiety and is affecting their life. My kid had something kind of like this going on that was affecting his life and we got him help.


Is there a therapist who can role play "what to do when someone doesn't return your greeting?" Because it sounds like some kids (or, more likely, their moms) are absolutely melting down about the horrifying "rudeness" in a way that makes me think there's something else going on there.


No one is melting down and way to deflect. People notice when people are rude and then eventually they stop bothering to engage with the person. It's just reality. Do whatever you want but if it was me I'd get my kid help.
Anonymous
Post 05/01/2023 10:46     Subject: Re:Unfriendly Classmate
Have you considered whether your daughter is one of the mean girls? Maybe the neighbor girl doesn't say hi to your daughter because your daughter has been mean to her in the past. I tell my DD to just ignore the kids that are mean to her and focus on her friends. Don't fall into the trap of assuming your child is an angel therefore there must be something wrong with the other girl. But my advice is basically do nothing and go about your life. Just cause two girls are assigned the same bus stop doesn't mean they need to be friends.
Anonymous
Post 05/01/2023 10:46     Subject: Unfriendly Classmate
But what does it even matter what the reason is? you can't control other people's kids. You can admit the complexity to your own kid "I don't know if she is being rude or if she has special needs, but we're not going to let it ruin our morning."
Anonymous
Post 05/01/2023 10:44     Subject: Unfriendly Classmate
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Just a note to say not ALL children are on the spectrum, spectrum adjacent, have an anxiety disorder, or some other excuse as a reason to be rude to others. Seriously some people are just rude.


23489237493 people have already said this. OP is agreeing with all of them, why do you need to post this?

I tell my socially awkward girl that people may think she's rude.. I guess I'm right. People suck


You certainly do. Stop lashing out at people for your failure to parent your child.


Or sincerely, get them help. There are therapists that can role play all of this stuff. Help your child. This is extreme anxiety and is affecting their life. My kid had something kind of like this going on that was affecting his life and we got him help.


Is there a therapist who can role play "what to do when someone doesn't return your greeting?" Because it sounds like some kids (or, more likely, their moms) are absolutely melting down about the horrifying "rudeness" in a way that makes me think there's something else going on there.