Anonymous wrote:I agree with everyone who responded to you. The one thing that jumped out at me was you saying that they can hold the baby for only as long as you say it is ok. First of all, I doubt they were literally talking about hours. It is a figure of speech! Just means they want to love their grandbaby!

Yes. So many people have said this. It's an indication of how happy and excited they are.

You sound a little over the top, OP. Sanitizing phones?

PP here. Also wanted to echo that flu/RSV screening are not really a thing for people who are asymptomatic and that I would include COVID vaccination in the list of mandates or tell them they have to wait to be around newborn. JFC it's been 3 years of this- tell them to get it together if they want to be around a little vulnerable baby. Social media also fair - your news to share on your time.

OP, I think you may be over-engineering some things (like the holding, but again that depends on how pushy your in laws are), but in general I think your approach is pretty reasonable. Unvaccinated people should not be around your newborn, full stop. Pertussis and flu are standard for anyone interacting with them - that's why dad has to get them and any nanny you would hire would, too. Hotels, masking, shoes, also reasonable. Just remember, your house, your baby, your rules. Say thank you and be gracious to people who are actually helpful, but beyond that just do what makes you and baby feel safe.

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the responses. I'll respond later tonight.

Here's the thing - I'm a nurse in NYC. I've seen babies admitted for RSV/Flu from just being around family and friends. I've seen he complications. Hence masking and testing. Anyone can get an at home covid/flu/RSV test through LabCorp. You mail it in and they are pretty fast with the turnaround

We still wear masks to grocery store and places that have a lot of people and so do our friends.

Yes I've seen a LC. Again from my job I know how hard it can be for some dyads. Even knowing what I know as a credentialed LC myself I reached out for help because I know It could go either way. But yes skin to skin and offering the breast every 2-2.5 hours in those first 48 hours helps. Minus one longer sleep session. It's not for weeks on end
It's until milk transitions. It's quite possible it's a non issue and things are fine or that I'm absolutely a wreck and can't keep it up and that's fine too. I want to set the expectation that baby will be with me and dh for the majority of he time during the first few weeks while we get the hang of it.

I actually get along with my in laws but DH sister's experience was interesting. They would go into their bedroom and take baby from the bassinet to hold at night because mil can't sleep and is an insomniac. They really pushed bottle feeding so they could participate in feedings from the first week. Sil planned for no visitors but they drove 5 hours to the hospital the day of anyway and at that point she was too tired to protest but didn't want it.

Reading this, it is totally understandable that you would be concerned about these issues and looking for ways to ensure they didn't do this stuff with you. It's very hard, OP. Some grandparents just get very myopic and view it as their right to have access to the baby at all times, and view any effort to set boundaries as the mom trying to disrupt their relationship with the new baby. It doesn't occur to them that in those early days, the baby needs to be bonding with the mom and dad, and that the role of others is to support the parents. NOT to care for the baby.

If I were you, I'd work on your DH, not your ILs. I would want to ensure your ILs are not staying with you during that time (if they want to visit, they can stay in a hotel) and make sure your DH is ready to advocate for what you need. He's your best line of defense.

If you can't get him on board, I'd look into a post-partum doula who could help you during these visits by helping to run interference. If your ILs won't respect your wishes and your DH won't step in, they may listen to a professional who can deliver these messages without needing to be as careful of their feelings.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think this is too many rules and being too rigid about rules, BUT

I really agree with your first rule because this is something that people can be really unrealistic about. Both my mom and my MIL were incredibly demanding about wanting to hold the baby and would actually speak sharply to me when I asked to take the baby back. My MIL once accused me of feeding the baby "too often" just to have an excuse to take the baby back (baby was a month old! we were feeding at normal intervals). Both of them said to me at one point that it was "unfair" for me to ask to hold the baby because "you get to hold her all the time."

I just think it's really rude to tell a woman who is within that 6 week postpartum period that she can't hold her own baby. It's selfish and cruel. A woman who recently gave birth should get to hold her baby whenever she wants.

So I'd stick with that rule and I'd encourage your DH to back you up, if you think it will be an issue.

The other stuff is too much. It's fine to set some of those boundaries, but sending people a list that long will just make them feel like you hate them and don't want them to see the baby at all.

I agree that it is a potential problem but I think it’s borrowing trouble to make a rule in advance. Deal with the problem if it arises.

You have to discuss with your partner ahead of time and be ready to deal with it as a united front. It's really important if you have ILs who don't respect boundaries. Especially when you are immediately postpartum and trying to adjust to new motherhood -- breastfeeding, dealing with sleep deprivation, staying on top of all the brand new infant care duties (they ultimately get very easy but those first few weeks can feel overwhelming). If you have very overbearing family members visiting, what happens is that they essentially take advantage of the fact that you are exhausted, perhaps limited in movement due to childbirth, and feeling overwhelmed, in order to push their own agenda.

Stuff like this is what results in longhand resentments. If OP's DH isn't ready to run interference on this stuff and if they don't think her ILs will see reason and observe boundaries, it would be better to postpone the visit until OP feels comfortable and strong enough to do it herself. It is not a good plan to just assume that OP will be able to stand up to overbearing visitors in the days and weeks after giving birth, especially if her DH has a history of acquiescing to his parents' demands or not backing her up.

It is good OP is raising these issues now and talking about it with her DH. The way she's listing it will sound overwhelming and it's not how I'd approach it with ILs. But I would say that her DH needs to get on board with setting these boundaries and holding them, and that if he can't, they should just not see his parents until the baby is a little older. Otherwise it's unfair to OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there are many anti-anxiety meds that are safe while pregnant and breastfeeding. You should discuss with your doctor.

All this armchair diagnosis is obnoxious. Wanting to have some reasonable rules in place to protect her baby from illness does not mean OP needs medication

I made an anxiety comment but not that one. I really don’t mean it as an accusation or a criticism. I actually can really relate to it and how I felt with my first (I had some rules I would laugh at now). But I stand by believing that OP sounds like it’s not being well-managed.

Another PP here who made an anxiety comment but not the one quoted here. This is a difficult area to tread because many people don't take women's fears seriously and that is infantilizing and disrespectful. But many women also struggle with PPD and PPA pre and post partum and it goes untreated because no one wants to speak up. The way OP writes her OP is what makes me think she should get help, its long, rambling, kind of catastrophizing and it's about a future event that hasn't even happened yet.

And I think it sounds like she's struggling because this is what MY thoughts sounded like when I was struggling during that period. It is important to get a handle on whether you sound a little off when you first have a baby because untreated these issues can really make new motherhood absolutely miserable.

Good luck OP I'm not trying to criticize you by saying you sound like you might need to talk to your doctors about this, just wish someone had done that for me.

Shes responding to what the ILs are saying they want to do.

Both things can be true. I had wildly overstepping in-laws (I could write a book) but also was struggling with anxiety during and after pregnancy.

Ever think that maybe the anxiety is from having to constantly navigate overstepping in-laws? Boundaries can help with anxiety and I think OP is trying to get a check for whether she is out of the norm for wanting to not have to "host" ILs after giving birth and navigating being a new mom. I would think she knows better than anyone one this board whether they are the helpful type or the non-helpful type. Anxiety can also stem from trying to navigate people's reactions to expressing your feelings/wishes especially if they arent consistent.

I agree with this. It really describes my post partum experience to a tee. Actually my pregnancy as well. I was expressing basic needs and trying to set basic boundaries, and people would act like I hadn't even spoken or like I could not be taken seriously ("it's just hormones"). And that absolutely led to anxiety because I'd get so stressed just thinking about how I could not seem to get people to hear what I was saying or understand that I wasn't just some silly woman being unreasonable but a person who was in a particularly vulnerable and high-needs time in my life.

Do people really not maks when visiting a newborn?
With everything that's happened in the last 3 years....

Most people have jobs, social gatherings, older kids who are daycare germ bombs....why wouldn't you mask to protect a newborn baby

Anonymous wrote:I do think this is too many rules and being too rigid about rules, BUT

I really agree with your first rule because this is something that people can be really unrealistic about. Both my mom and my MIL were incredibly demanding about wanting to hold the baby and would actually speak sharply to me when I asked to take the baby back. My MIL once accused me of feeding the baby "too often" just to have an excuse to take the baby back (baby was a month old! we were feeding at normal intervals). Both of them said to me at one point that it was "unfair" for me to ask to hold the baby because "you get to hold her all the time."

I just think it's really rude to tell a woman who is within that 6 week postpartum period that she can't hold her own baby. It's selfish and cruel. A woman who recently gave birth should get to hold her baby whenever she wants.

So I'd stick with that rule and I'd encourage your DH to back you up, if you think it will be an issue.

The other stuff is too much. It's fine to set some of those boundaries, but sending people a list that long will just make them feel like you hate them and don't want them to see the baby at all.

I agree that it is a potential problem but I think it’s borrowing trouble to make a rule in advance. Deal with the problem if it arises.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think this is too many rules and being too rigid about rules, BUT

I really agree with your first rule because this is something that people can be really unrealistic about. Both my mom and my MIL were incredibly demanding about wanting to hold the baby and would actually speak sharply to me when I asked to take the baby back. My MIL once accused me of feeding the baby "too often" just to have an excuse to take the baby back (baby was a month old! we were feeding at normal intervals). Both of them said to me at one point that it was "unfair" for me to ask to hold the baby because "you get to hold her all the time."

I just think it's really rude to tell a woman who is within that 6 week postpartum period that she can't hold her own baby. It's selfish and cruel. A woman who recently gave birth should get to hold her baby whenever she wants.

So I'd stick with that rule and I'd encourage your DH to back you up, if you think it will be an issue.

The other stuff is too much. It's fine to set some of those boundaries, but sending people a list that long will just make them feel like you hate them and don't want them to see the baby at all.

That’s fine and I agree with you; but I don’t think that should laid out as a RULE pre-visit….talk about setting a weird tone. That’s something that - IF it happens, you address in the moment. Don’t do that now, it’s not needed and will just make you sound crazy. There’s every good chance that what they’ve said is their way of expressing that they’re really, really excited to meet and hold your baby - which is wonderful!

PP here and I disagree with you, and think it would apply to many of the things on OP's list.

I actually think the key here is to discuss this list with your spouse so that you are on the same page, and also make sure he's aware of and will back you up on the real deal breakers.

My experience is that some people get really comfortable just railroading right over the new mom's wishes if it's not what they want. Or they'll appeal to you like you are being unreasonable and it feels unfair because you're exhausted, hormonal, and emotionally spent, and may not be in a position to articulate WHY you want a certain thing or why you don't want something.

I remember my mom kept trying to take my baby for walks outside the house right after she was born. I wasn't opposed to my mom taking the baby out for short period or for the baby to be outside. But my mom is older with mobility issues, and she kept wanting to just carry the baby around outside, so I kept saying no I wasn't comfortable with that, would she like to use the stroller? No, no, she said, that's not necessary. At one point she suggested using the soft carrier I had but she didn't know how and she put it on incorrectly and was like "I'll just put the baby in here, it will be fine!" And I said no again and she was like "wow, you are really anxious and crazy, must be the hormones, it's nuts you don't feel comfortable with me just taking the baby for a walk."

It was exhausting because I would have happily let my mom take the baby out but she was being really unreasonable. This was someone who needed assistance to get in and out of a chair, but I was treated like I was over-anxious and ridiculous for suggesting that it was not a good idea for someone in that condition to carry the baby around outside (I couldn't even figure out how my mom was going to get the baby down the front steps of the house without my assistance, but she was going to just carry the baby around the block? what the hell?).

I was so frustrated I kept having to re-assert my request that she not do what she was proposing to do, and frustrated that everyone acted like I was nuts for doing so.

Thanks for all the responses. I'll respond later tonight.

Here's the thing - I'm a nurse in NYC. I've seen babies admitted for RSV/Flu from just being around family and friends. I've seen he complications. Hence masking and testing. Anyone can get an at home covid/flu/RSV test through LabCorp. You mail it in and they are pretty fast with the turnaround

We still wear masks to grocery store and places that have a lot of people and so do our friends.

Yes I've seen a LC. Again from my job I know how hard it can be for some dyads. Even knowing what I know as a credentialed LC myself I reached out for help because I know It could go either way. But yes skin to skin and offering the breast every 2-2.5 hours in those first 48 hours helps. Minus one longer sleep session. It's not for weeks on end
It's until milk transitions. It's quite possible it's a non issue and things are fine or that I'm absolutely a wreck and can't keep it up and that's fine too. I want to set the expectation that baby will be with me and dh for the majority of he time during the first few weeks while we get the hang of it.

I actually get along with my in laws but DH sister's experience was interesting. They would go into their bedroom and take baby from the bassinet to hold at night because mil can't sleep and is an insomniac. They really pushed bottle feeding so they could participate in feedings from the first week. Sil planned for no visitors but they drove 5 hours to the hospital the day of anyway and at that point she was too tired to protest but didn't want it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there are many anti-anxiety meds that are safe while pregnant and breastfeeding. You should discuss with your doctor.

All this armchair diagnosis is obnoxious. Wanting to have some reasonable rules in place to protect her baby from illness does not mean OP needs medication

I made an anxiety comment but not that one. I really don’t mean it as an accusation or a criticism. I actually can really relate to it and how I felt with my first (I had some rules I would laugh at now). But I stand by believing that OP sounds like it’s not being well-managed.

Another PP here who made an anxiety comment but not the one quoted here. This is a difficult area to tread because many people don't take women's fears seriously and that is infantilizing and disrespectful. But many women also struggle with PPD and PPA pre and post partum and it goes untreated because no one wants to speak up. The way OP writes her OP is what makes me think she should get help, its long, rambling, kind of catastrophizing and it's about a future event that hasn't even happened yet.

And I think it sounds like she's struggling because this is what MY thoughts sounded like when I was struggling during that period. It is important to get a handle on whether you sound a little off when you first have a baby because untreated these issues can really make new motherhood absolutely miserable.

Good luck OP I'm not trying to criticize you by saying you sound like you might need to talk to your doctors about this, just wish someone had done that for me.

Shes responding to what the ILs are saying they want to do.

Both things can be true. I had wildly overstepping in-laws (I could write a book) but also was struggling with anxiety during and after pregnancy.

Ever think that maybe the anxiety is from having to constantly navigate overstepping in-laws? Boundaries can help with anxiety and I think OP is trying to get a check for whether she is out of the norm for wanting to not have to "host" ILs after giving birth and navigating being a new mom. I would think she knows better than anyone one this board whether they are the helpful type or the non-helpful type. Anxiety can also stem from trying to navigate people's reactions to expressing your feelings/wishes especially if they arent consistent.

Wait are you on the one hand criticizing me for raising the possibility of OP having anxiety as an “arm chair diagnosis” but on the other hand questioning whether my anxiety was in fact anxiety? That’s rich.

Nope, saying that anxiety manifests from constantly having to manage reactions from people who don't respect boundaries. And I have the feeling that OP knows whether her ILs will respect boundaries or wouldn't feel the need to have a whole list to communicate ahead of time.

Do whatever you want. People might feel you are overbearing or uptight and that’s fine. Focus on you and the baby, not other peoples feelings and judgements.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there are many anti-anxiety meds that are safe while pregnant and breastfeeding. You should discuss with your doctor.

All this armchair diagnosis is obnoxious. Wanting to have some reasonable rules in place to protect her baby from illness does not mean OP needs medication

I made an anxiety comment but not that one. I really don’t mean it as an accusation or a criticism. I actually can really relate to it and how I felt with my first (I had some rules I would laugh at now). But I stand by believing that OP sounds like it’s not being well-managed.

Another PP here who made an anxiety comment but not the one quoted here. This is a difficult area to tread because many people don't take women's fears seriously and that is infantilizing and disrespectful. But many women also struggle with PPD and PPA pre and post partum and it goes untreated because no one wants to speak up. The way OP writes her OP is what makes me think she should get help, its long, rambling, kind of catastrophizing and it's about a future event that hasn't even happened yet.

And I think it sounds like she's struggling because this is what MY thoughts sounded like when I was struggling during that period. It is important to get a handle on whether you sound a little off when you first have a baby because untreated these issues can really make new motherhood absolutely miserable.

Good luck OP I'm not trying to criticize you by saying you sound like you might need to talk to your doctors about this, just wish someone had done that for me.

Shes responding to what the ILs are saying they want to do.

Both things can be true. I had wildly overstepping in-laws (I could write a book) but also was struggling with anxiety during and after pregnancy.

Ever think that maybe the anxiety is from having to constantly navigate overstepping in-laws? Boundaries can help with anxiety and I think OP is trying to get a check for whether she is out of the norm for wanting to not have to "host" ILs after giving birth and navigating being a new mom. I would think she knows better than anyone one this board whether they are the helpful type or the non-helpful type. Anxiety can also stem from trying to navigate people's reactions to expressing your feelings/wishes especially if they arent consistent.

Wait are you on the one hand criticizing me for raising the possibility of OP having anxiety as an “arm chair diagnosis” but on the other hand questioning whether my anxiety was in fact anxiety? That’s rich.

Anonymous wrote:My SIL had crazy anxiety like this. She wanted us to drive three hours each way to visit for exactly 1.5 hours while masked even after negative Covid test. We were already vaccinated for Covid, flu and Tdap. And baby was born in the summer, not even prime illness season. We took that as them not wanting us to visit and we didn’t meet our nephew until he was 3 months old. She and my BIL were literally at the hospital when my last was born. Oh well. Their baby, their anxiety, their rules.

I guess I'll get thrown on the "you sound crazy" pile but 3 months does not sound particularly late to meet a new niece/nephew that lives three hours away. If they were on your block, sure. But if you're in different states 3 months is still a new baby and the parents get time together alone and the kid gets some of his shots.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there are many anti-anxiety meds that are safe while pregnant and breastfeeding. You should discuss with your doctor.

All this armchair diagnosis is obnoxious. Wanting to have some reasonable rules in place to protect her baby from illness does not mean OP needs medication

I made an anxiety comment but not that one. I really don’t mean it as an accusation or a criticism. I actually can really relate to it and how I felt with my first (I had some rules I would laugh at now). But I stand by believing that OP sounds like it’s not being well-managed.

Another PP here who made an anxiety comment but not the one quoted here. This is a difficult area to tread because many people don't take women's fears seriously and that is infantilizing and disrespectful. But many women also struggle with PPD and PPA pre and post partum and it goes untreated because no one wants to speak up. The way OP writes her OP is what makes me think she should get help, its long, rambling, kind of catastrophizing and it's about a future event that hasn't even happened yet.

And I think it sounds like she's struggling because this is what MY thoughts sounded like when I was struggling during that period. It is important to get a handle on whether you sound a little off when you first have a baby because untreated these issues can really make new motherhood absolutely miserable.

Good luck OP I'm not trying to criticize you by saying you sound like you might need to talk to your doctors about this, just wish someone had done that for me.

Shes responding to what the ILs are saying they want to do.

Both things can be true. I had wildly overstepping in-laws (I could write a book) but also was struggling with anxiety during and after pregnancy.

Ever think that maybe the anxiety is from having to constantly navigate overstepping in-laws? Boundaries can help with anxiety and I think OP is trying to get a check for whether she is out of the norm for wanting to not have to "host" ILs after giving birth and navigating being a new mom. I would think she knows better than anyone one this board whether they are the helpful type or the non-helpful type. Anxiety can also stem from trying to navigate people's reactions to expressing your feelings/wishes especially if they arent consistent.