Anonymous
04/15/2023 19:41
Subject: Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.
Anonymous wrote: Asons taking turns, giving each other time, splitting the day doesn’t work, absolutely nothing happens if one partner simply doesn’t do what they agreed to do. It’s not like he can’t come with his own kid whenever he damn well pleases. It’s also not like you can force him to take the kid anyplace either. I agree
With one poster, what about the love as a family unit? What about tender moments spent as a family and as parents and a couple watching your kid learn about the world? I “get” it, not every moment is fun and tender, but you two aren’t sharing anything together during time that is unstructured, if you are enjoying the park, keep enjoying it.. if not, then go do something else.
I’m betting good money you guys live in an area that sucks with kids. You may not know it yet, you may not admit it yet, but the only people I know who do this either live in a place where there is not much to do with kids, or they are getting ready to divorce, one or both have found other partners or are at least looking for them.. why exactly was your husband so tired, Grandma did all the childcare.. did he actually stay at his mom’s house or just drop the kid off? I’d be wondering and no, I’m not kidding. Why can’t the three of you eat lunch together, presumably you all need to eat right? Where is your husband having dinner and who is he with? Again, he should be eating with you and his kid or taking you out for date night.. Saturday night dinner is prime couple time and as a married person it should be spent with you.
And, your kid isn’t learning what you think she’s learning, she’s learning that neither parent wants to be with her.
I’d put an end to this splitting the day nonsense. If you want to work out, find a gym with a kids club, at 3, your kid will enjoy it. Also, let your kid grow up a bit, by 3, they should be able to hang loose while you shower and they will be dropping the nap meaning they’ll need the skill set to entertain themselves a bit.. are you set up for that, do you have things she can do that don’t require you to be there, “hey, play with these blocks so I can shower” should be something your kid understands by this point. The kid is 3 after all, not 1, when I read this, I thought we were dealing with a young toddler. My oldest was 3 when she came into the bathroom and told me “Mommy, you need to get out of the shower now, there’s a big storm coming”. I thought she was referring to something she saw on one of her shows.. until I heard the thunder. Your kid is way more fun and way more capable then you are realizing. It also makes me sad that you didn’t enjoy her as a baby and toddler, I used to absolutely love taking my babies and toddlers for walks with my husband, it was neat seeing how they processed the world. I loved walking with my husband with both of our hands on the stroller. I remember being out with my husband and one of our kids had a huge tantrum so we made it a point to walk past a group of teenage couples. Our kid didn’t get the joke, I’m not sure the teens did either, but we still laugh about that.. this is what adorable babies turn into boys and girls,. If you guys were as committed to your marriage and child as you are your free time, we wouldn’t be here.
Do you really think it’s helpful to tell OP she’s wrong to feel the way she feels? Seriously?
Everyone needs some alone time, and no one deserves to be shamed for it.
Anonymous
04/15/2023 19:37
Subject: Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.
Asons taking turns, giving each other time, splitting the day doesn’t work, absolutely nothing happens if one partner simply doesn’t do what they agreed to do. It’s not like he can’t come with his own kid whenever he damn well pleases. It’s also not like you can force him to take the kid anyplace either. I agree
With one poster, what about the love as a family unit? What about tender moments spent as a family and as parents and a couple watching your kid learn about the world? I “get” it, not every moment is fun and tender, but you two aren’t sharing anything together during time that is unstructured, if you are enjoying the park, keep enjoying it.. if not, then go do something else.
I’m betting good money you guys live in an area that sucks with kids. You may not know it yet, you may not admit it yet, but the only people I know who do this either live in a place where there is not much to do with kids, or they are getting ready to divorce, one or both have found other partners or are at least looking for them.. why exactly was your husband so tired, Grandma did all the childcare.. did he actually stay at his mom’s house or just drop the kid off? I’d be wondering and no, I’m not kidding. Why can’t the three of you eat lunch together, presumably you all need to eat right? Where is your husband having dinner and who is he with? Again, he should be eating with you and his kid or taking you out for date night.. Saturday night dinner is prime couple time and as a married person it should be spent with you.
And, your kid isn’t learning what you think she’s learning, she’s learning that neither parent wants to be with her.
I’d put an end to this splitting the day nonsense. If you want to work out, find a gym with a kids club, at 3, your kid will enjoy it. Also, let your kid grow up a bit, by 3, they should be able to hang loose while you shower and they will be dropping the nap meaning they’ll need the skill set to entertain themselves a bit.. are you set up for that, do you have things she can do that don’t require you to be there, “hey, play with these blocks so I can shower” should be something your kid understands by this point. The kid is 3 after all, not 1, when I read this, I thought we were dealing with a young toddler. My oldest was 3 when she came into the bathroom and told me “Mommy, you need to get out of the shower now, there’s a big storm coming”. I thought she was referring to something she saw on one of her shows.. until I heard the thunder. Your kid is way more fun and way more capable then you are realizing. It also makes me sad that you didn’t enjoy her as a baby and toddler, I used to absolutely love taking my babies and toddlers for walks with my husband, it was neat seeing how they processed the world. I loved walking with my husband with both of our hands on the stroller. I remember being out with my husband and one of our kids had a huge tantrum so we made it a point to walk past a group of teenage couples. Our kid didn’t get the joke, I’m not sure the teens did either, but we still laugh about that.. this is what adorable babies turn into boys and girls,. If you guys were as committed to your marriage and child as you are your free time, we wouldn’t be here.
With one poster, what about the love as a family unit? What about tender moments spent as a family and as parents and a couple watching your kid learn about the world? I “get” it, not every moment is fun and tender, but you two aren’t sharing anything together during time that is unstructured, if you are enjoying the park, keep enjoying it.. if not, then go do something else.
I’m betting good money you guys live in an area that sucks with kids. You may not know it yet, you may not admit it yet, but the only people I know who do this either live in a place where there is not much to do with kids, or they are getting ready to divorce, one or both have found other partners or are at least looking for them.. why exactly was your husband so tired, Grandma did all the childcare.. did he actually stay at his mom’s house or just drop the kid off? I’d be wondering and no, I’m not kidding. Why can’t the three of you eat lunch together, presumably you all need to eat right? Where is your husband having dinner and who is he with? Again, he should be eating with you and his kid or taking you out for date night.. Saturday night dinner is prime couple time and as a married person it should be spent with you.
And, your kid isn’t learning what you think she’s learning, she’s learning that neither parent wants to be with her.
I’d put an end to this splitting the day nonsense. If you want to work out, find a gym with a kids club, at 3, your kid will enjoy it. Also, let your kid grow up a bit, by 3, they should be able to hang loose while you shower and they will be dropping the nap meaning they’ll need the skill set to entertain themselves a bit.. are you set up for that, do you have things she can do that don’t require you to be there, “hey, play with these blocks so I can shower” should be something your kid understands by this point. The kid is 3 after all, not 1, when I read this, I thought we were dealing with a young toddler. My oldest was 3 when she came into the bathroom and told me “Mommy, you need to get out of the shower now, there’s a big storm coming”. I thought she was referring to something she saw on one of her shows.. until I heard the thunder. Your kid is way more fun and way more capable then you are realizing. It also makes me sad that you didn’t enjoy her as a baby and toddler, I used to absolutely love taking my babies and toddlers for walks with my husband, it was neat seeing how they processed the world. I loved walking with my husband with both of our hands on the stroller. I remember being out with my husband and one of our kids had a huge tantrum so we made it a point to walk past a group of teenage couples. Our kid didn’t get the joke, I’m not sure the teens did either, but we still laugh about that.. this is what adorable babies turn into boys and girls,. If you guys were as committed to your marriage and child as you are your free time, we wouldn’t be here.
Anonymous
04/15/2023 19:19
Subject: Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.
Anonymous wrote:Rigidity becomes necessary when a more causal approach leads to being chronically taken advantage of.
+1
OP, would Fair Play help?
Anonymous
04/15/2023 19:09
Subject: Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.
How often does this happen? Any extenuating circumstances (what happened the night before?)
Anonymous
04/15/2023 18:51
Subject: Re:Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Sweet lord don’t have any more kids. We have 3 kids and both of us were up at 6:45 this morning so we could get to an 8am game for our middle child. One of us got up to get her there and the other one got up to get the other 2 kids ready and meet them at the game.
I can’t imagine tit for tat every weekend.
You can’t imagine parents agreeing to have a couple of hours to themselves each week (obviously not at the same time as a game) and one parent insisting that the other stick to the arrangement they made? Really?
DP, no I cannot imagine being that rigid for the gym and a shower just because it was "MY 4 HOURS!". If my agreed to personal time was being disrespected on a regular basis, then we would have a discussion. I wouldn't be so rigid though, I'd give him the grace that I want in return. Life happens, especially as you have more kids and it becomes more complicated.
Yes, life does “happen,” so when you choose to take her to your parents’ house in the morning and come home tired, you be a parent, suck it up and do what you agreed to do (lunch and nap). It’s OK that you’re tired while you do it. Welcome to parenthood.
Op here. This. When he his tired he turns to ME to take things off his plate. When I’m tired I figure out how to better manage my plate.
Anonymous
04/15/2023 18:34
Subject: Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm not saying OP is wrong, but I wonder how that kid feels picking up on the concept that taking care of her is a chore neither one of her parents want. I would hate for my kids to feel that way.
+1 This is what is bothering me. They are using their kid as a pawn in their marriage issues. Yeah these years are hard and we all need time "off" but its clear they resent each other, don't respect each other and likely don't even like each other anymore.
+2 When there’s this level of contempt and bean counting, the marriage is over.
Anonymous
04/15/2023 18:28
Subject: Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.
Anonymous wrote:Rigidity becomes necessary when a more causal approach leads to being chronically taken advantage of.
THIS
Anonymous
04/15/2023 17:58
Subject: Re:Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Sweet lord don’t have any more kids. We have 3 kids and both of us were up at 6:45 this morning so we could get to an 8am game for our middle child. One of us got up to get her there and the other one got up to get the other 2 kids ready and meet them at the game.
I can’t imagine tit for tat every weekend.
How is this comment remotely relevant? Just because that kind of tit for tat would be challenging in a family with three kids doesn’t make it so for this family. The OP is setting an example of what true self-care looks like - and that’s important for her child to see.
-Mom of three
Puhlease. Feeding her 3 year old lunchs (which was for my kids a handful of grapes and cheese) interferes with her 'self care'? Good good. You must be Gen Z.
If it’s so easy, then the child’s FATHER can do it as he agreed to do. Have a cup of coffee if you’re “exhausted,” Daddy.
Anonymous
04/15/2023 17:54
Subject: Re:Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Sweet lord don’t have any more kids. We have 3 kids and both of us were up at 6:45 this morning so we could get to an 8am game for our middle child. One of us got up to get her there and the other one got up to get the other 2 kids ready and meet them at the game.
I can’t imagine tit for tat every weekend.
You can’t imagine parents agreeing to have a couple of hours to themselves each week (obviously not at the same time as a game) and one parent insisting that the other stick to the arrangement they made? Really?
DP, no I cannot imagine being that rigid for the gym and a shower just because it was "MY 4 HOURS!". If my agreed to personal time was being disrespected on a regular basis, then we would have a discussion. I wouldn't be so rigid though, I'd give him the grace that I want in return. Life happens, especially as you have more kids and it becomes more complicated.
Yes, life does “happen,” so when you choose to take her to your parents’ house in the morning and come home tired, you be a parent, suck it up and do what you agreed to do (lunch and nap). It’s OK that you’re tired while you do it. Welcome to parenthood.
Anonymous
04/15/2023 17:38
Subject: Re:Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Sweet lord don’t have any more kids. We have 3 kids and both of us were up at 6:45 this morning so we could get to an 8am game for our middle child. One of us got up to get her there and the other one got up to get the other 2 kids ready and meet them at the game.
I can’t imagine tit for tat every weekend.
+100. We've been parents for 15 years and we've never had a ridgid weekly slot of alone time, ever. He had guys nights and I had girls nights and we had date nights with sitters, but never this "I don't have to be a parent from x time to y time every single week." Sounds really strange to me.
Congratulations! You either married a good one or you don't mind doing 95%.
Anonymous
04/15/2023 17:36
Subject: Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.
Anonymous wrote:Apparently OP values washing her hair more than she values her DD having a relationship with her MIL. Hmmm, I wonder why that is?
What?
Anonymous
04/15/2023 17:34
Subject: Re:Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Sweet lord don’t have any more kids. We have 3 kids and both of us were up at 6:45 this morning so we could get to an 8am game for our middle child. One of us got up to get her there and the other one got up to get the other 2 kids ready and meet them at the game.
I can’t imagine tit for tat every weekend.
How is this comment remotely relevant? Just because that kind of tit for tat would be challenging in a family with three kids doesn’t make it so for this family. The OP is setting an example of what true self-care looks like - and that’s important for her child to see.
-Mom of three
Puhlease. Feeding her 3 year old lunchs (which was for my kids a handful of grapes and cheese) interferes with her 'self care'? Good good. You must be Gen Z.
Nope, GenX.
It’s not about the lunch, it’s about her husband respecting her (previously agreed upon) boundaries. Pretty essential for a healthy relationship, even if they’re not the boundaries you would draw.
Anonymous
04/15/2023 17:32
Subject: Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.
Anonymous wrote:I feel sad for your daughter.
I do too - because no woman would institute a system like this unless she had to because her husband would sit around and let her do 100% while he napped, played video games, worked out, or did nothing.
Good on OP. And definitely don't have a second kid.
Anonymous
04/15/2023 17:30
Subject: Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.
Good for you OP. I would ignore the text until after you finish bedtime tonight, pour yourself a glass of wine, sit down and read and unwind. When you’re in a good place, you can discuss this calmly and ask why taking his toddler to his mother is so exhausting for him, and what he thinks he can do to make it less taxing. This should be all about him, btw, his solutions can’t include more jobs for you, but perhaps he needs to see his mom less, or sign DD up for an activity on Saturday mornings so he is less exhausted. Frankly he sounds pretty lazy if pawning his kid off in his mom is so difficult for him.
I would drop casually that you’re going to be out of the house the next few Saturdays until nap, so you think it’s important that he have a plan so he’s not so tired.
I would drop casually that you’re going to be out of the house the next few Saturdays until nap, so you think it’s important that he have a plan so he’s not so tired.
Anonymous
04/15/2023 17:30
Subject: Re:Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Sweet lord don’t have any more kids. We have 3 kids and both of us were up at 6:45 this morning so we could get to an 8am game for our middle child. One of us got up to get her there and the other one got up to get the other 2 kids ready and meet them at the game.
I can’t imagine tit for tat every weekend.
How is this comment remotely relevant? Just because that kind of tit for tat would be challenging in a family with three kids doesn’t make it so for this family. The OP is setting an example of what true self-care looks like - and that’s important for her child to see.
-Mom of three
Puhlease. Feeding her 3 year old lunchs (which was for my kids a handful of grapes and cheese) interferes with her 'self care'? Good good. You must be Gen Z.
If it’s so simple why could her husband handle it? After all he pawned the kid off on his mom all morning.