PP 8:15.

Rally support for yourself and establish all boundaries NOW.

Can you get Family Medical Leave? I was granted 200 hours to help my 87 widowed mother. Got her moved to assisted living, then independent living and now selling her house.
She was fiercely, stubbornly independent and in denial of her age and limitations until she got sick - then things changed literally overnight.

It was harder for my mom to maintain her house; she had a yard guy, a handyman, a car mechanic but thought her cleaning lady was price gouging her, so fired her. Relied upon neighbors to take out her trash, shovel her walkway, anything, really. If I came by for a visit, I’d be handed a list of items to fix or tend to.

Are you expected to drop everything and run to your parent? Is there an intermediate step?

Can you accompany your parent to doctor appointments? Do you have power of attorney?

From my experience the elders who themselves were in this rodeo for many years with their aging parents get it and planned accordingly. The ones who left the worst parts to a sibling or who's parents had one emergency and then passed often don't get it and don't have the empathy to make sound choices.

I have been at this a long time and spent too many years giving up things I needed and enjoyed from vacations to my own doctor visits because of emergencies and things that could have been hired out.

I would get an expert middleman involved. Can you hire a geriatric social worker to check on him every few months and assess his needs and then increase the visits as he gets older? I would get a plan in place in case there is an emergency when you are out of town. Don't burden neighbors, they will hate him for it after an emergency or 2. See if the SW has ideas or ask adult protective services what options there are.

My parents loved the luxury of having me at their beckon call. Mom flipped out when her difficult behavior made it so I had enough health issues I had to address them and stop putting up with her BS. Now that she sees aging at home means often strangers will be caring for her and when I can't, strangers will deal with her emergencies, it is less appealing.

Once I set major boundaries and got an outside professional involved to assess, it actually changed my health for the better more than any medication could and it made it easier for me to do self care like eating healthy, exercising and getting sleep.

You can be there for him in old age and show your love, but no need to enable him by making it easy not to think about what he wants for the future. An expert in aging can help him figure it out including how to modify the house if he won't move. Then you don't have to be fussed at or hear the denial and if he still refuses to make changes, you know you tried it all. When the emergency happens and you finally took a trip to the beach after years without and you turned your phone off, you will know you tried everything to prevent this.

Be outwardly optimistic and as supportive as you can, but OP (and my fellow current and future caregivers) PLAN now and do what you can to get going towards a goal. Get ready for some deep and uncomfortable conversations.

Dad staying in his current place? Ok then, have an elder care safety walk thru and do a punch list of what needs removing and/or replacing. Is he willing to renovate to make himself more comfortable? Install a stair lift? Is the house workable for an elderly person?

Does dad prepare his own meals? How’s his diet? Does he go out for meals or live on take out? Does he drive?

How long should he drive?

How does he get to medical appointments? Does he or will he wear a med alert bracelet and fall button (?).

How does he feel about meals on wheels? Having a home health aide? Having medical equipment like an hospital bed brought into his home?

Finances? Who is paying for services to keep him in place? Can he afford major renovations?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. All of you have old parents. It would be so nice to have that. My mother passed away at 54 when I was in my 20's. I cared for her for 1 year and it was extremely hard. My Dad is now 68 but he lives like he is 30 and has unlimited funds so he is living his best life traveling and living abroad and hardly visits. I wonder what he will be like at 80.

Why would you want to have old parents you spend years and years to care for?
You may have some trouble with your dad still

I sometimes think maybe the best I can do for my child is leave this world when he is relatively grown (20-35?) and with little hassle

Yes, less hassle for the loved ones. Also I don't think I would enjoy being old and alive but not well mentally or physically. Of course, I don't know what happens at death or after (if anything) so maybe I would rather be old and alive.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father is 97yo. At 77yo, he was still working, dating, and looked at least 10 years younger. He was slim, never heavy, always walked a lot and very, very healthy. I honestly cannot remember my dad having one sick day before age 90yo. At 97yo, he needs daily help, is on multiple meds, and has dementia.

Few men live to 97yo and I suspect those who do are unusually healthy.

This sounds selfish but this is exactly what I don’t want - a parent who is 97 but is helpless
Even now at 77 he is to a degree

Someone asked what he needed to be supervised for him. He takes care of bills, food, and everyday stuff like that. However it takes forever to see a doctor (he needs hearing aids and glasses but is under the illusion that he is still young and doesn’t need them), he goes to see different doctors for things like sports medicine to figure out why his stamina isn’t great for example. Of course they are happy to take his money but imho this is to unnecessary and childish. You are 77 for crying out loud! Of course your stamina isn’t what it used to be!

He has money to pay for a handyman but to arrange it takes him forever. I don’t want to coordinate him and the handyman from thousands miles away thank you!
It’s just so crazy.
My child is slowly becoming older and more independent and then I get another child I didn’t ask for and who is becoming more helpless every day
-OP

Well, we don’t vote on whether we want it. Trust me, my very healthy, very independent dad never wanted to be in the state he is now - but now that he is, he doesn’t want to die. Enjoy your health and your dad’s relative health. It sounds like he does not want to get used to every little pain. My dad (the 97yo) is like that too. He’s always doing physical therapy because he complains of every little pain. But the physical therapists are wary of over-working him and it doesn’t really get rid of the pain, which is mainly arthritis and related injuries.

It is not fun dealing with my dad when he is disoriented or obsessed or angry or decides to tell me off. It’s not. But it’s life. Chances are this won’t happen to your dad but it makes no sense to worry about it now. It’s like worrying about what your plans would be if you are stuck in a wheelchair. It could happen but nothing is solved by worrying.

Anonymous wrote:
My child is slowly becoming older and more independent and then I get another child I didn’t ask for and who is becoming more helpless every day
-OP

This is what happens in life, if you have children and your parents live to be elderly. Had you not noticed that? I recommend individual therapy or caregiver support group as it sounds like you need strategies to help you get through this situation. It’s a very difficult time in life as the only solution to your problems is the early demise of one’s own parent - there is a lot of guilt attached to even just the contemplation of it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again, I just wanted to add that it scares me that I will almost inevitably be a burden on my kid eventually, no matter how healthy and sane and independent I am. He is an only, so it will be harder for him unless he just checks out. I don’t know how to feel about it but dealing with my dad has me thinking a lot about these things…

well, I say this gently, if this situation with your dad is making you think about how you will be a burden to your grown son, then start making plans to avoid that. Now. Don't put him in a position to have to choose you or himself (and the family he will likely create). Make your plans with a primary objective of NOT being a burden. That means downsizing, living in a home you can handle and navigate, getting and maintaining a good handle on your needs (paying bills, filing taxes, getting mail order pharmacy for medications, living close by or planning to pay for his plane tickets to visit, having your death and funeral plans set, getting comfortable with online shopping, hiring help).

Oh trust me I am doing that.
However I can’t stop thinking about my own father
He isn’t the most difficult parent out there; I think it’s his immaturity and refusal to accept the facts of life that make me uncomfortable!

Anonymous wrote:Wow. All of you have old parents. It would be so nice to have that. My mother passed away at 54 when I was in my 20's. I cared for her for 1 year and it was extremely hard. My Dad is now 68 but he lives like he is 30 and has unlimited funds so he is living his best life traveling and living abroad and hardly visits. I wonder what he will be like at 80.

Why would you want to have old parents you spend years and years to care for?
You may have some trouble with your dad still

I sometimes think maybe the best I can do for my child is leave this world when he is relatively grown (20-35?) and with little hassle

Anonymous wrote:My father is 97yo. At 77yo, he was still working, dating, and looked at least 10 years younger. He was slim, never heavy, always walked a lot and very, very healthy. I honestly cannot remember my dad having one sick day before age 90yo. At 97yo, he needs daily help, is on multiple meds, and has dementia.

Few men live to 97yo and I suspect those who do are unusually healthy.

This sounds selfish but this is exactly what I don’t want - a parent who is 97 but is helpless
Even now at 77 he is to a degree

Someone asked what he needed to be supervised for him. He takes care of bills, food, and everyday stuff like that. However it takes forever to see a doctor (he needs hearing aids and glasses but is under the illusion that he is still young and doesn’t need them), he goes to see different doctors for things like sports medicine to figure out why his stamina isn’t great for example. Of course they are happy to take his money but imho this is to unnecessary and childish. You are 77 for crying out loud! Of course your stamina isn’t what it used to be!

He has money to pay for a handyman but to arrange it takes him forever. I don’t want to coordinate him and the handyman from thousands miles away thank you!
It’s just so crazy.
My child is slowly becoming older and more independent and then I get another child I didn’t ask for and who is becoming more helpless every day
-OP

My father is 97yo. At 77yo, he was still working, dating, and looked at least 10 years younger. He was slim, never heavy, always walked a lot and very, very healthy. I honestly cannot remember my dad having one sick day before age 90yo. At 97yo, he needs daily help, is on multiple meds, and has dementia.

Few men live to 97yo and I suspect those who do are unusually healthy.

People don't get to decide how long they live.

Honor your mother and father.

It is unlikely he will live to 97

Wow. All of you have old parents. It would be so nice to have that. My mother passed away at 54 when I was in my 20's. I cared for her for 1 year and it was extremely hard. My Dad is now 68 but he lives like he is 30 and has unlimited funds so he is living his best life traveling and living abroad and hardly visits. I wonder what he will be like at 80.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s my revelation. I am honestly somewhat angry with dad as he is so eager to live so long. He just thinks about himself but gives no thought to how it affects me. At the same time I feel guilty as he isn’t really a HUGE burden to me or anything. He also had many difficult years caring for my mother who was a very very unpleasant and difficult person. I am grateful he took that that burden off me but also angry that he didn’t protect me from her enough.
I don’t really think I need therapy but I just wanted to say it out loud.

Are you sure you don’t need therapy? I mean, yes, these years can be hard, but you seem angry. Not at the caretaking you are doing, but just because the man wants to live? I say this as someone who nursed my mom through years of cancer, the last years living with me, and it was hard and I got frustrated and felt worn down but I don’t recall feeling angry that she wanted to live. Everyone is different, but I wonder if therapy would help you get to a more peaceful place.

It’s such a long winded and complicated situation that it’s not worth it imo even start
Long story short dad has always been somewhat childish, self centered, and we though he was a good dad when I was little, as in a good friend or an older brother maybe, I think he failed to be the protective strong figure we all need as kids. My mother was a difficult person and had complete rule over him. Now that she is gone he seems clueless as to how to be an adult. She used to complain that he needs constant guidance and supervision; I thought she was enabling him, but I am starting to see what she meant.
I am resentful that he wants 20 years of being under an illusion of being independent. Well he is not! It’s a strange combination of occasional self deprecation and lack of humility and acceptance of him getting older that boggles my mind.
He constantly grieves how he is not young anymore, and at the same time he is worried when he discovers how he isn’t as strong or energetic as he used to be, I think he is resistant to recognizing signs of aging. It’s like he was young and then grew old but was never really mature.
Hope I am making sense here

Can you give some tangible examples of how he creates obligation and mental load for you? Maybe there are ways to mitigate them? For instance are all of his bills on autopay? If not, they should be immediately. Can you have a standing, basic grocery order that is delivered every week so that you know he'll always have the basics? Make birthday and Christmas gifts things that he needs...pay for a handyman to come fix small things that need fixing.