Anonymous wrote:BTDT

You call his therapist.

You aren’t responsible, that is hard to hear but he needs to own all.of.his.shit.

If you have guns or opioids remove them from the house.

Step back, he and his therapist need to work this out.

He needs to take sick leave for 1-2 weeks. He does NOT need to tell his boss why. He tells his therapist to work with his primary care to write a letter to work saying he is having a major medical emergency and will be off.

He need individual NOT MARITAL therapy. He needs to go 2x a week for now. If he has trauma in his past he needs to do DBT.

His affair, his suicide ideation HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.

You continue your life as a strong, intelligent, caring mother and employee. I know you are carrying a huge emotional load.

Ask in laws to come and care for the kids while you are away.

Do not change your plans with his emotionally manipulative actions.

If you aren’t in individual therapy do that, put marital therapy on the back burner.

Get a cleaner, someone to cut your lawn, order in… do whatever you need to do to keep yourself sane. It’s going to be for a short period of time.

Work and kids are your focus.

Read about the 180 in affairs and chump lady.

This. All of this. You are not responsible for saving him.

MD here. If he clearly verbalizes suicidal ideation, has a plan, and has access to firearms (even if removed from the home), there's a good chance he'll be admitted. It doesn't mean he'll get a bed, meaning if he's in an emergency department he'll stay there until a bed is available. And that can be days. It's about as sub-par as it gets, but that's the system we have. Still, it's better than him being at home if OP truly believes he's a risk to himself. He won't be involuntarily admitted unless OP petitions him through the magistrate with a TDO (temporary detainment order), and even then it's not a guarantee.

OP I'm really sorry. This stuff is hell for families.

you said OP the couples therapy was intense, and there's been a lot of emotional labor etc. And it's been several months. Like is this retribution? The affair is over. What's he returning to?

OP, I did not read the whole thread, but I assume DH came clean about things and is not actively cheating. He's obviously very depressed. I hope you aren't driving him to insanity with all the couples therapy and talks and whatever. I don't mean to victim blame. Just putting out there in case you are riding him too hard.

I would hire a nanny for while you're gone. Even if it's care.com. And I'd see if therapist can speak to him to assess suicidality.

You need someone to come in and watch him and the kids or stay home.

OP, I was a wayward wife who had a d-day. The few months after the d-day were, obviously, very difficult for both my H and I. Your WH needs to focus on individual therapy. Obviously he has not been working on healthier coping skills if he is at this point. Have you reached out to the therapist? That person needs to know exactly where things are.

As for his work and your travel, I would wait and see how things are tomorrow afternoon. While my time after d-day was very difficult, I did not want to "leave." I felt very vulnerable and knew my choices would have consequences that I would have to face. My therapist helped me deal with that in a healthy, authentic manner. Honestly your situation sounds like your H either needs immediate medication, or is trying to avoid facing what he done so much that he is doing extreme mental gymnastics to avoid it, including talk of suicide. I've worked with many wayward spouses after my experience, and unfortunately there are some who refuse to accept what they have done no matter what. Some will literally do *anything* to avoid being seen as the "bad guy."

Finally I hope you, OP, have support from either friends, family, or a therapist. It is up to you whether you do your work trip but I agree with PP that leaving the children with your H is a no-go at this time. I am sending you strength to get through this weekend. 

OP? How did the ER go?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he religious at all?

Can you organize suicide watch while he travels?

Do you love him? Does he know (either way)?

Sounds like he was unhappy, had an affair to cope, became even more unhappy. He needs very serious therapy.

Can you check him into a fancy rehab/retreat center?

Sounds like he has a mental illness. Used an affair to cope. Of course, the stress of that drove him even more mentally unstable and now he’s having a nervous breakdown. These are HIS issues. Nothing to do with the wife.

Umm except they are married with kids?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're getting a lot of advice here, OP, and most of it seems good, but I want to add one thing: Do not leave him alone with your children after this.

Like someone above notes, I rather doubt he's going to be admitted to inpatient unless you're very fortunate and get a doctor who believes your DH is an imminent danger to himself, and frankly you may not get that lucky. The "ideation" you mention seems to be your take, not yet a doctor's opinion. It can be harder than people realize to get an inpatient emergency commitment to a hospital. If they admit him-- great, but you still cannot travel unless you have complete coverage for your kids 24/7 if he's in the hospital. And you and he and the kids need someone there to live with him and the kids after he's released, if he's released while you're gone (on this work trip or any other work trip). in fact, consider lining up live-in help, period. I am not saying he's a danger to your kids but he at least should not be trying to cope with parenting if he's dead-eyed, checked out and talking about dying. You need TOTAL help all day and night, not a little babysitting here and there.

Also ask yourself if you will be able to do your work effectively on this trip if you are thinking every second about your DH and kids back home.

Send him to go live with his parents. OP does not need to be his caretaker on top of everything else.

Huge assumption there that he has living parents; his parents have room for him; his parents would WANT him there; his parents are in good enough health to cope with an adult who may be mentally ill....Just vast assumptions. I would bet that if there were no affair involved, responses like this one wouldn't even be on the thread. I'm not defending the DH's affair, but I'm noting that there seems to be a theme in some posts that he deserves to be chucked in the trash (or shoved off to his parents' house) even if he's genuinely suicidal, because, affair.

Yes. For putting his spouse through more of his bullsh@t. Where’s AP? She can step up and do the nut house visits.

Yes of course it's the wronged wife left picking up the pieces for this guy. Ugh.

Yes. For putting his spouse through more of his bullsh@t. Where’s AP? She can step up and do the nut house visits.

If this is the OP from Christmas time who found out while traveling - and I think she replied that it was - then the AP is in another country and he spent one night with her and then two years texting/sexting. She works in a bar and I doubt OP wants to invite her back into their lives.

^ wow. Sorry for all the mistakes/ autocorrects.

TLDR: It takes a village. It looks like her DH has other people who can help him while OP is gone. She does not have to skip this meeting and risk her promotion.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cancelling or postponing a business trip because your spouse is in the hospital is not sacrificing your career.

+1

I think OP is in understandable fear that canceling her first trip after a promotion looks bad. And frankly it will to some. But if her DH gets hospitalized, she needs to treat it the same as if he'd been in a terrible car crash and was hospitalized -- who would leave in that circumstance? No one. It might be a short-term ding with a few managers at work but not with any decent manager.

The affair is a big part of the calculus for some PPs. Obviously need to make sure the kids are taken care of, but beyond that it's really optional for OP in terms of how much to be there for this DH.

Of course the affair is part of the calculus. But maybe OP doesn't want the father of her kids to be, you know, dead, or so mentally unbalanced he can't be a father as they grow up.

That doesn't mean she has to stay married to him or be his caretaker, but right NOW, today, this weekend, she is in the middle of an immediate crisis and has to get questions answered and arrangements made. "Being there for him" or not is kind of irrelevant here and now. She's asking in her OP about logistics, not "Should I be his caretaker, should I 'be there' for him..."

DP.

Nope.

OP is one person. Her meeting is important. She has to go. She can arrange to be back immediately after the meeting. He has other family that is willing to help. Let them step in.

No one is I dispensing, not even OP in this situation. She needs to arrange for her husband to be well taken care of, and then she needs to go do the adult ingredients for her family, especially for her kids. They might need this promotion soon.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cancelling or postponing a business trip because your spouse is in the hospital is not sacrificing your career.

+1

I think OP is in understandable fear that canceling her first trip after a promotion looks bad. And frankly it will to some. But if her DH gets hospitalized, she needs to treat it the same as if he'd been in a terrible car crash and was hospitalized -- who would leave in that circumstance? No one. It might be a short-term ding with a few managers at work but not with any decent manager.

where do you people work that it’s expected to go on work travel while spouse is in the hospital, especially with kids? Everywhere I’ve worked it would look bad to carry on as usual under those circumstances.

First things first - her spouse is NOT in the hospital. She thinks he might be hospitalized for suicidal ideation. If her spouse IS hospitalized, is she even going to be able to see him?

I agree with a few others on here - this reeks of emotional manipulation. Even so, OP should be able to tell her job she can't go if that's the choice she makes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here-

I'm also supposed to leave for my first business trip since I got a promotion on Monday. Is this something I can/should be honest with my boss about?

Do I try to reach DHs individual therapist somehow?

My reply is 100% influenced by the affair. Otherwise I would say DH comes first.

If you can get your in-laws or parents to help with the kids, I would 100% go on this business trip

You don't know what the future holds. If your marriage will last. You deserve to put yourself first too (along with kids). He certainly did.

+1. And I also call MAJOR bullcrap on this breakdown happening right as you are headed out for your first business trip after your promotion, OP. I hope I'm wrong, but I think he's playing you like a fiddle here.

Anonymous wrote:Is he religious at all?

Can you organize suicide watch while he travels?

Do you love him? Does he know (either way)?

Sounds like he was unhappy, had an affair to cope, became even more unhappy. He needs very serious therapy.

Can you check him into a fancy rehab/retreat center?

Sounds like he has a mental illness. Used an affair to cope. Of course, the stress of that drove him even more mentally unstable and now he’s having a nervous breakdown. These are HIS issues. Nothing to do with the wife.