Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have a shared app called ToDoist. We can assign each other tasks and get a notification when the other person checks them off.

I LOVE this idea. What kind of tasks do you assign each other?

Google calendar has a Task option .. It's great.

As this thread is two years old, I wonder if OP is still with this guy or not. OP?

Textbook adhd. Dh is the same. I have slowly lost all respect

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a written list.

I email it every Friday and Monday.

I cross off the stuff I do in red and his in blue.

It sits on the island.

It's like a vision board.

Eventually he feels bad he has not crossed anything off.

We rarely talk about it. But I do, about 4x a year say, I need these done, then he takes i seriously because it's not a constant nag.

Have you tried this? My husband does better with written rather than verbal asks.

These are grown adult men with big jobs. The only thing written down for them should be "Make your own to-do list based on what we have discussed and what you notice needs to be done"

So many men are like this. Just catastrophically lazy.

Anonymous wrote:I would stop picking up his slack, focus on your own priorities and let his stuff fall by the wayside. Don't ask him to do anything unless you're happy with it being undone. Only assign him things where he will feel the pain if he doesn't do it.

Just kidding. Leave.

Yeah I was going to say this doesn't work unless you want his life insurance premium not paid and it gets dropped. Or he keeps getting tickets for expired car registration and your car insurance has goes up. Or you get stuck somewhere owing money because he moved money and didn't tell you about it. THESE HAVE ALL HAPPENED TO ME.

LEAVE OP.

I could have wrote this op, I've tried everything I was at my wits end now realize the only thing I can do to save my sanity is to leave so that is what I'm planning on doing when this lease is over.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do men understand that this is why their wives aren’t interested in sex?
It’s not really choreplay. It’s just that being unreliable is a turn off, and the entire time your wife is doing stuff that you said you would do, she kind of hates you. Especially if she’s tired.

This. It's a lack of respect-- she loses respect for him because he's unreliable, lazy, selifhs, and irresponsible. So she does the chores he said he would do, thinking all the while about how she regrets marrying him. Then he wants sex.

You have literally just summed up 99% of all marriages.

WHY don't they get it?! DO WHAT YOU SAY YOU WILL DO. So easy.

I'm not married, and I cannot tolerate this behavior from anyone--not boyfriends, not lovers, not friends, not family, not colleagues. I can't stand being let down and lied to.
Unsurprisingly, I have a lonely life. I don't care. I sure as shit am not going to spend my life with someone if I can't believe a word he says about anything.

Divorced woman checking in. Married for a long time. This is, absolutely, the correct answer.

These issues directly led to my divorce, but then my ex cheated too and my eyes had to open instantly. It was horrible.

Men my age (40’s and up) tend to be angry, resentful teenage babies. This has held true both in the dating world and among my friends and acquaintances. I keep my mouth shut with friends but I SEE IT. Not many people are happy.

These guys want new wives since they never planned to take care of their own lives in retirement. They are truly using all their mental ability to create a delusion where we are still living in the 1950’s.

Married to a woman who mothers them, sitting on the couch having drinks and food delivered, and being generally worshipped for their incredible life achievements is their expected finish line.

Writing the last paragraph made me dumber! Women must stop pretending this whole entire cultural phenomenon isn’t happening!!!! Younger women seem to get it and won’t tolerate this behavior.

We are the boss, we need to act like it.

Yeah umm No.
Pull your own weight - sorry.

He doesn’t work? And you do everything, and work? Leave. He’s manipulating you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or he is good at prioritizing and what you think is important maybe really isn’t that important. Or he has his own list of stuff. How many of these things does he ask you to do?

But let’s stick with the typical blame ADHD, DCUM response.

This. My wife nags me about everything and she doesn't seem to care about the hundreds of other priorities I'm focusing on for our family. But I'm the villain because I forget something or it's not all for the kids...

Please list the priorities for your “family” that your wife doesn’t value. Especially those not “for the kids”.

The kinds that are relational and create a sense of community for our family, the kinds that pay all the bills and get everyone set for life, the kinds that reduce the stress levels in the household when everyone is emotional and expects dad to keep his cool when no one else is. You'd shit goat tits through your nose if you knew 1% of it.

What does that mean, practically? What action items do those things require? What tasks do you do to "create a sense of community for our family," or "reduce the stress levels in the household?" What's your "to do" list for that?

Please tell, I've never sh!t goat tits through my nose before and I'm dying to experience it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or he is good at prioritizing and what you think is important maybe really isn’t that important. Or he has his own list of stuff. How many of these things does he ask you to do?

But let’s stick with the typical blame ADHD, DCUM response.

This. My wife nags me about everything and she doesn't seem to care about the hundreds of other priorities I'm focusing on for our family. But I'm the villain because I forget something or it's not all for the kids...

Please list the priorities for your “family” that your wife doesn’t value. Especially those not “for the kids”.

The kinds that are relational and create a sense of community for our family, the kinds that pay all the bills and get everyone set for life, the kinds that reduce the stress levels in the household when everyone is emotional and expects dad to keep his cool when no one else is. You'd shit goat tits through your nose if you knew 1% of it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Typical ADHD. He needs to make to do lists and check them off. My DH has to check his list nonstop because he gets off track. Medication would be helpful too.

I have ADHD and at least for me the issue is the receptiveness of it. For instance you say in the evening that you would like me to do A, B and C the next day. Then first thing in the morning you remind to do A, B, & C. Then before we leave for the day you remind me I need to do A, B, & C. I have a meeting that starts at 8 before any of the places I need to reach out to open. When I get out of meeting I have two texts from you asking if I have done A, B, C & now a D.

How my brain translates that becomes overwhelming-

Evening I only need to do A,B & C.
First thing in the morning I need to A, B, C, AA, BB, & CC.
Before we leave I now need to to A, B, C, AA, BB, CC, AAA, BBB, CC & C
After my meeting I need to A,, B, C, AA, BB, CC, AAA, BBB, CCC, AAAA, BBBB, CCCC, AAAAA, BBBBB, CCCCC & D.

Flame away but this is an honest opinion of what it feels like.

Why don’t you respond the first time with your quick plan of when you will do A, B and C. Then do the basic plan you said.

Responding would make everyone shut up.

Doing it when you responded that you would, would make everyone shut up.

Then you all can talk about nrimal aruff, because no one’s nagging or dropping the ball or holding out doing $hit.

This is so true.

It helps both parties; it’s the core virtue of communication.

The best managers, students, leaders, households all do it. When someone brings up an action item suggestion or question the other person RESPONDS relatively quickly noting the ask, saying they understand or do not, and stating “I’ll get to it at 2pm or this evening”.

And they di, they follow through. That builds trust and the relationship.

Likewise doing the opposite - or responding in any form, not following through in a timely manner or never doing it - breaks trust and the relationship.

We’ve had to manage the airheads, who need to be told tight deadlines and exactly what to do. Then monitored and reminded and out on a PIP.
It’s exhausting and wastes everyone’s time. Is hate to have to do that at home too with an adult life partner. Get a coach for that Op.