Definitely agree with PPs that the favoritism denial doesn't ring true. As someone whose mother played favorites & also called me difficult (despite having brothers who had some astounding circumstances they brought upon themselves in HS), I will say only that you are the adult and your daughter, while a teen, is the child. Best of luck to you in your ongoing relationship -- I mean that sincerely -- and second the recommendation for family & individual counseling.

I could have written this post about my 15 yr old. She's rude to her family (me especially), completely disinterested in even attempting to do well in school (has LD/adhd and gets lot of support/has medication and doesn't harness it), has a lazy attitude about everything, lacks ambition, has zero interests, and basically strives for the bare minimum no matter the activity (school, sports, really anything). She has tons of friends and unlike OP's DD, is actually quite positive and basically floats through life as if nothing has consequences. Yes I love her but there are days where I really don't like her and those days are more often than not. She recently failed an english assignment and when I asked her about it, her response was basically, so what I can retake it and oh btw, so and so failed it too. No sense of accountability. No desire to do well. I think she's similar to PP's son where she won't be a high achiever even into adulthood, but she somehow manages to get by and her personality seems to save her every time. I'm hoping she can land in a career that leverages that personality of hers and maybe our relationship will get stronger but until then it's pretty strained.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom? Is that you? Where should I sent the invoice for a lifetime of therapy for daring to be a child and you not being equipped to be a parent?

+1

I am automatically skeptical of poor me moms posting here, especially ones who speak so freely of not liking their children. I suspect most lack all understanding of child psychology/development and will lie to themselves their whole lives, giving themselves a free pass for causing the critical ego wounds in early childhood that disrupted their children’s attachment process and lead to a lifetime of attachment issues - which manifest in lots of self destructive ways.

Of course it’s all the child’s fault. S/he has a difficult personality. S/he was born with it. Has nothing whatsoever to do with hypercritical and cold mothering. Never that.

+1

I kind of felt this way about my mom, and there was definitely favoritism, which can ruin a family permanently. Some moms are stuck in their extremely outdated and damaging ways. My mom and I grew closer with age and distance, thankfully. My kids adore her.

OP, consider that it can be both nature and nurture. I am closer to certain children than others, and it is definitely based on personality type. For example, one really difficult baby turned out happy and healthy (thank God, seriously), and one chill baby turned out like your daughter - so far. We are humans, constantly growing and evolving. Let her.

I love my difficult child(ren) to the moon and back, and actually like and respect them, too. I hope they know that. We must work on them knowing that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's really interesting that the OP uses the word "daughter" instead of "kid" in the title. Does that mean she has only one kid or her other kid(s) is a boy? I'd be curious to hear what that relationship is like. My guess is, if there is a son, she loves him to pieces. What's the saying: A mother raises a daughter and loves a son?

OP here, I have a son but pick no favorites and I make sure they both know they are loved each although DD accuses me of favoritism- she accuses her father and aunt also. We went to her psychiatrist to get her back on meds and I put myself one one too. I hope it helps, truly,

LOL you literally said you don't like your daughter. She's not accusing you of favoritism, she's recognizing it. You're trying to what, gaslight the thread that you don't have a favorite kid even though you *drafted a post for the internet about how you don't like one of your kids*??

Anonymous wrote:I think it's really interesting that the OP uses the word "daughter" instead of "kid" in the title. Does that mean she has only one kid or her other kid(s) is a boy? I'd be curious to hear what that relationship is like. My guess is, if there is a son, she loves him to pieces. What's the saying: A mother raises a daughter and loves a son?

OP here, I have a son but pick no favorites and I make sure they both know they are loved each although DD accuses me of favoritism- she accuses her father and aunt also. We went to her psychiatrist to get her back on meds and I put myself one one too. I hope it helps, truly,

I think it's really interesting that the OP uses the word "daughter" instead of "kid" in the title. Does that mean she has only one kid or her other kid(s) is a boy? I'd be curious to hear what that relationship is like. My guess is, if there is a son, she loves him to pieces. What's the saying: A mother raises a daughter and loves a son?

Anonymous wrote:Grant it she’s in her terrible teens (16) but she was a difficult toddler, child, adolescent, now teen. I can’t see her ever changing. Yes, it’s terrible but it’s the truth, I don’t like her- love her but I don’t like her personality essence. I tell her I love her, she’s beautiful, etc. but I’m counting down the time when she leaves, my fear is she won’t. She’s so insecure, confrontational, negative- please someone tell me it gets better and when. I just shut down around or walk away from her now, I can’t take it.

Well it's really no surprise she's difficult and insecure - her mom doesn't like her. The challenges kids can face don't get much harder & damaging than that...

Try to work on the behaviors that bother you - not just for you, but to help her become a more likeable person - which helps her in the long run.

For example,
If she's negative, call it out, ask her to say a couple positive comments instead.
If she's petty or self-centered, reward her for being more generous or interested (reward to a fav outing, etc).

We do this when kids are younger and shouldn't stop when they become petulant.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom? Is that you? Where should I sent the invoice for a lifetime of therapy for daring to be a child and you not being equipped to be a parent?

+1

I am automatically skeptical of poor me moms posting here, especially ones who speak so freely of not liking their children. I suspect most lack all understanding of child psychology/development and will lie to themselves their whole lives, giving themselves a free pass for causing the critical ego wounds in early childhood that disrupted their children’s attachment process and lead to a lifetime of attachment issues - which manifest in lots of self destructive ways.

Of course it’s all the child’s fault. S/he has a difficult personality. S/he was born with it. Has nothing whatsoever to do with hypercritical and cold mothering. Never that.

Damn is this a spoof or what? Not all personality difficulties are due to parents inflicting ego damage in early childhood! Do you have kids? A lot is inborn.

And a lot of it is not inborn, but nurture — or lack thereof.

Nurture can't conquer all. There is true evil as well.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What OP (and some responders) are missing here is that if OP is thinking the thoughts "I don't like my daughter and never will," these feelings will be telegraphed to her daughter, even if unintentionally.

While we don't need to be martyrs, good parents don't give up on their 13 year olds unless the kid is a serial killer. Find things to like, make an effort to connect, make a choice to find things to love about that kid, even if they are a challenge.

If you continue down this path, it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

(and BY THE WAY, kids can change a lot between 13 and whenever... )

OP’s daughter is 16, not 13.

My mother and I never got along either. Our personalities are way too different, and they are still that way. I still visit her once a year (she’s on the other coast). It’s fine OP. Just do your best to be a parent, and make sure she has the confidence and skills necessary to leave the nest when she’s an adult. That’s something you need to do just as a parent.

The saying blood is thicker than water does exist. It doesn't mean you have to like and cherish your offspring or parents as long as you acknowledge there still remains a tie with some obligations. I can care about a family member without liking them. I do think in recent decades we've lost sight of a lot of common understanding of human nature and society is imbued with constant, seemingly impossible messages about how things should be that actually only worsen the tensions, such as the inability to differentiate between love and like when it comes to family relationships.

Wow this really resonates on so much conflict we see these days. Thanks for saying this so eloquently.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To all those who are suggesting the daughter needs a psychological evaluation, yes…. But OP does as well.

Not necessarily. If OP is not informed on special needs and their presentation, she can absolutely dislike her difficult child and wonder it came to this.
And even with a known diagnosis, I can tell you I don’t always like my son, now 17!!! I love him, I care for him, but boy is it hard sometimes.

Now perhaps OP has something as well. But perhaps not. I have ADHD. DS gets the HFA from his father.

I think it’s messed up to assign all the blame to the child without looking inward.

Genetics, PP. This is the part you're missing. Genes are reassorted and transmitted. OP cannot do anything about that. Hop on to the Special Needs forum and people will tell you how hard and demoralizing it can to raise a child like this. OP need to be a SUPER-PARENT to raise such a child. If you haven't walked in her shoes, don't criticize.

Why are we taking OP at her word? I find it disgusting that she would post about hating her child and all these other people chime in, egging it on.

She did not say hate, she said she did not like. You are a piece of work to twist her words like that.

Anonymous wrote:Hi Mom,

Don't worry, I know you hate me which is why I declined to see you as I'm not putting on a show and I moved on. My husband hates how you treat me which is why he avoids you. And, we both hate how you treat our kids. No worries. You haven't been much of a mom to me for many years and I know if I need something not to call as you'd never help out.

Take care.

Bye, Felicia.

Anonymous wrote:Mom? Is that you? Where should I sent the invoice for a lifetime of therapy for daring to be a child and you not being equipped to be a parent?

I thought family is all about loving the people you don't necessarily like. Why all the hate?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom? Is that you? Where should I sent the invoice for a lifetime of therapy for daring to be a child and you not being equipped to be a parent?

+1

I am automatically skeptical of poor me moms posting here, especially ones who speak so freely of not liking their children. I suspect most lack all understanding of child psychology/development and will lie to themselves their whole lives, giving themselves a free pass for causing the critical ego wounds in early childhood that disrupted their children’s attachment process and lead to a lifetime of attachment issues - which manifest in lots of self destructive ways.

Of course it’s all the child’s fault. S/he has a difficult personality. S/he was born with it. Has nothing whatsoever to do with hypercritical and cold mothering. Never that.

Damn is this a spoof or what? Not all personality difficulties are due to parents inflicting ego damage in early childhood! Do you have kids? A lot is inborn.

And a lot of it is not inborn, but nurture — or lack thereof.

Anonymous wrote:Good luck OP some kids are duds. Hoping your daughter will be out of the house soon.

Some parents are duds. Hoping the same as you are, for the daughter’s sake.