Anonymous
Post 03/23/2023 20:49     Subject: Husband refuses to “play” with kid.
Anonymous wrote:Playing and caretaking are different.

It sounds like he is also incapable of basic caretaking. If I were you, I’d get a job and a divorce.


Classic DCUM response. Relationship issue? DIVORCE!
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2023 20:31     Subject: Re:Husband refuses to “play” with kid.
https://www.cnn.com/2021/07/05/health/play-with-your-kids-health-benefits-wellness/index.html

I wonder if when my child is 4 we can do this I'm up for being the "baby"

My 4-year-old enjoys imagining that he is the dad and I am the baby. I lay down on the couch – yep! I don’t have to move – and he pretends to wash the dishes. Every so often I “interrupt” him with a problem that I, the baby, am having. I enjoy crafting the problems, which span from the sorrowful to absurd. (“I’m scared Daddy won’t come back from work.” “I think a glitter monster is going to cover me in slime.”) Even more, I adore hearing what solutions he comes up with to fix my problems. (“Don’t worry, baby, the glitter monster is really nice and will give you slime to play with. If it gets on you then you can take a bath!”)
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2023 20:30     Subject: Husband refuses to “play” with kid.
My adhd husband and adhd daughter makes everything worse
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2023 17:54     Subject: Husband refuses to “play” with kid.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm the same way (and I'm a mom, fwiw). I don't like getting on the floor to play toddler games. I focus on doing the things that I don't mind as much, like coloring, or going to the playground.

We are one of the first generations that thinks it's important to play with your child all the time. It's a little much, honestly.


How old are you? Caring parents always played with their kids. It's not that everyone in the past was Don Draper nursing drink when he gets home from the office.


I am early 30s, on the younger end for DCUM. My parents were boomers. I was speaking generally. But it is truly a very recent modern phenomenon, from what I've observed


I don't agree with this - but I think it may depend on how you define play. I'm in my late 40s and my parents were silent generation. While my mother openly admits she doesn't like playing - my dad was fairly playful and I do recall a lot of roughhousing and playing some games with him. My aunt and uncle (also silent generation) definitely played a LOT with my cousins (and with me when I was visiting them).

My grandparents (greatest generation) definitely played with me - not sure what they were like as parents.

I definitely play with my daughter - what's the point of having kids if you are not going to engage them.

There are many ways of engaging/interacting from reading, silliness, pretend play, actual games, hanging out in the playground, sitting next to them while they play and occasionally providing help when requested or input, ball playing, bubbles, peekabo, etc.

My parents have never met my toddler - but they do play peekabo with her on zoom.
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2023 16:47     Subject: Husband refuses to “play” with kid.
Playing and caretaking are different.

It sounds like he is also incapable of basic caretaking. If I were you, I’d get a job and a divorce.
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2023 16:44     Subject: Husband refuses to “play” with kid.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm the same way (and I'm a mom, fwiw). I don't like getting on the floor to play toddler games. I focus on doing the things that I don't mind as much, like coloring, or going to the playground.

We are one of the first generations that thinks it's important to play with your child all the time. It's a little much, honestly.


How old are you? Caring parents always played with their kids. It's not that everyone in the past was Don Draper nursing drink when he gets home from the office.


I am early 30s, on the younger end for DCUM. My parents were boomers. I was speaking generally. But it is truly a very recent modern phenomenon, from what I've observed
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2023 16:43     Subject: Husband refuses to “play” with kid.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My parents didn’t play with me


+1
And I don't play with my kids. It's not a parent's job to do that; I'm not a toddler. My job is to provide a linguistically rich nurturing safe environment. I do that. I listen to them, respond, engage them in things I find interesting, etc. They can play tucks or dolls all by themselves. I like nature so I will point out birds or bugs. They can play in the sandbox with toys while I have coffee. Not a chance I'm getting in there with them. If they want a playmate in there, I'll make a playdate and watch them while I have my coffee.... maybe occasionally point out the preying mantis or woodpecker.

It's ridiculous that some parents think this is what a good parent does. That's so far from reality. I'm a well adjusted successful adult whose parents didn't play with them.


This 100%
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2023 13:28     Subject: Husband refuses to “play” with kid.
I also was not fond of it. I would always find a way to go to the playground or hike or some indoor thing.
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2023 11:24     Subject: Husband refuses to “play” with kid.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My parents didn’t play with me


+1
And I don't play with my kids. It's not a parent's job to do that; I'm not a toddler. My job is to provide a linguistically rich nurturing safe environment. I do that. I listen to them, respond, engage them in things I find interesting, etc. They can play tucks or dolls all by themselves. I like nature so I will point out birds or bugs. They can play in the sandbox with toys while I have coffee. Not a chance I'm getting in there with them. If they want a playmate in there, I'll make a playdate and watch them while I have my coffee.... maybe occasionally point out the preying mantis or woodpecker.

It's ridiculous that some parents think this is what a good parent does. That's so far from reality. I'm a well adjusted successful adult whose parents didn't play with them.

I think engaging with them is good; you don't have to "play", like pretend play. But OP's DH is barely engaging with their kid, ie, interacting with them.
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2023 11:19     Subject: Husband refuses to “play” with kid.
Anonymous wrote:My parents didn’t play with me


+1
And I don't play with my kids. It's not a parent's job to do that; I'm not a toddler. My job is to provide a linguistically rich nurturing safe environment. I do that. I listen to them, respond, engage them in things I find interesting, etc. They can play tucks or dolls all by themselves. I like nature so I will point out birds or bugs. They can play in the sandbox with toys while I have coffee. Not a chance I'm getting in there with them. If they want a playmate in there, I'll make a playdate and watch them while I have my coffee.... maybe occasionally point out the preying mantis or woodpecker.

It's ridiculous that some parents think this is what a good parent does. That's so far from reality. I'm a well adjusted successful adult whose parents didn't play with them.
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2023 11:16     Subject: Husband refuses to “play” with kid.
Anonymous wrote:I’m happy to teach my children things as play which it is for them, but I’ve never played pretend.


I loved playing pretend with them and it is one of our favorite memories!
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2023 11:15     Subject: Husband refuses to “play” with kid.
I’m happy to teach my children things as play which it is for them, but I’ve never played pretend.
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2023 11:14     Subject: Re:Husband refuses to “play” with kid.
Anonymous wrote:Eh. You are a sahm, it’s pretty much your job 24/7.


I hate this attitude. The kid has two parents and the second one should find the time to engage as well
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2023 11:13     Subject: Re:Husband refuses to “play” with kid.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What happens if your are out and it’s just the two of them?


OP here. She is usually put on some type of contraption like a high chair, playpen, or stroller. She outgrew the bouncey thing but I saw him stuff her in there one day. He’s running out of options quickly. Im sure he’ll purchase enlarged holder soon. It’s annoying because I don't like playing sometimes either but I do it.


Well, it's literally your job to play with your kid. Your husband might find it to be ridiculous. I personally enjoy my kids now that they're older and we can do more fun things. If you continue harping at him about this he's going to step back even more and come to really resent you. I'd let it go.


Nope! Making sure my kid was well taken care of is part of the job. Playing is extra, which I enjoyed btw.
Anonymous
Post 03/23/2023 11:11     Subject: Husband refuses to “play” with kid.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He will not engage 2 year old when it comes to occupying her with activities. He all of a sudden has something to do. He would rather cook, walk the dog or invoice a client than play with our little one. He is fine watching her locked inside a high chair or other contraption. But playing is not his thing, as if he is too grown to play. Im the only one who plays outside with her. I hit balls, push her on toys, blow bubbles, write with chalk etc… My eye rolls are getting longer each day he doesn’t play. I’ve mentioned this to him before but things aren’t changing. I’m the one that teaches her everything initially but he will reinforce things with her once she has shown she knows something and somehow he is praised for it. Not sure what I’m asking. Just venting.

Has anyone had a spouse not play but eventually give in. Im a SAHM too.


Hm I'm surprised at all the comments saying this is OK. I think if it really makes you annoyed, you should make a bigger deal out of it. I would be annoyed too, and I don't think this is something that I would just "mention" to my husband (if by mention you mean you didn't really push for it). Otherwise if he never really figures out the playing part, you're in for a long ride being annoyed. Hopefully he'll play with your kid when she's older but who knows? I think 2 old enough to be somewhat interactive. I can sympathize more if a parent doesn't really know how to "play" with a baby who can't do anything...



+1

BIL never played with his young kid. Turns out he didn't "play" with her when she was older. By all definitions, he's a good "provider." Maybe that's where he thinks his role ends.


In past generations that would have been enough! Things have changed since even my kids were little. Both my mom and mil considered my dh as "babysitting" their kids! Which I politely pointed out he was NOT doing. Look there are bad parents out there but, just because op's dh doesn't play doesn't mean he is doomed to be your BIL The kid is only 2