Anonymous
Post 03/06/2023 20:21     Subject: Urging child to invite family friend
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why would this party be fun for your friend's kid if the kid doesn't know anyone and the guest of honor has already said she doesn't want that kid there?

I used to throw big parties and invite my friends and their kids but stopped when it didn't make sense for the other kids to be there. This did not impact my adult friendships with these women at all, they also stopped inviting my kid! No biggie.


+1. At some point kids get to pick their friends and who they want at their party. If this was say 4th of July, then fine, because that event is about family and community, but’s not the case. This is about fun and celebration of the birthday person. Also you need to recognize that family friends, doesn’t mean that everyone in the family is close, just cordial. Just because you and your husband our friends with them, doesn’t mean the kids get along or have things in common. Another way to look at this would be, if you friend had a younger or older kid would you be forcing the invite? Probably not, because the kids lack commonality, so why are you pushing it now?


At some point, yes, but a 10 year old at a venue party is not that time. OP, invite them. A 10 year old does not get to make this decision for the family. It's fine.
Anonymous
Post 03/06/2023 20:16     Subject: Urging child to invite family friend
I would invite the friend.
Anonymous
Post 03/06/2023 20:14     Subject: Urging child to invite family friend
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is a tough one. I talked my son into inviting a particular boy to his 11th bday party - other kid always invites DS to his parties, they play together at after care, last summer this boy was his only friend at day camp. But ds was resistant to inviting him because he wasn't sure how other kid would fit in. Sometimes he's annoying and doesn't play the same video games. I reminded DS that 1) reciprocating the invitation is the right thing to do, and 2) who cares if he annoys the other boys , that's their problem. I told DS that if anyone complains, tell them "Larlo is my friend, it's MY party, so be nice to him." DS invited him and told me he was glad he did because it made other kid really happy.

Well at the party Larlo blurted out something that really hurt ds's feelings. Like, actually made him cry at his own party. And I kicked myself for convincing DS to invite him.



You should kick yourself. Kids have their own relationships and you should respect those.


No need to instruct me, I already kicked myself.

But to op, my point is, my son's gut instinct was that this kid wouldn't do well at the party. And my mom instinct was "be inclusive, what could go wrong?" And I learned that sometimes" doing the right thing " is not so black and white.

Op, it would be helpful to talk to your child to get a deeper understanding of why she doesn't want the girl at the party.
Anonymous
Post 03/06/2023 19:44     Subject: Urging child to invite family friend
Anonymous wrote:This is a tough one. I talked my son into inviting a particular boy to his 11th bday party - other kid always invites DS to his parties, they play together at after care, last summer this boy was his only friend at day camp. But ds was resistant to inviting him because he wasn't sure how other kid would fit in. Sometimes he's annoying and doesn't play the same video games. I reminded DS that 1) reciprocating the invitation is the right thing to do, and 2) who cares if he annoys the other boys , that's their problem. I told DS that if anyone complains, tell them "Larlo is my friend, it's MY party, so be nice to him." DS invited him and told me he was glad he did because it made other kid really happy.

Well at the party Larlo blurted out something that really hurt ds's feelings. Like, actually made him cry at his own party. And I kicked myself for convincing DS to invite him.



You should kick yourself. Kids have their own relationships and you should respect those.
Anonymous
Post 03/06/2023 19:40     Subject: Urging child to invite family friend
Oh, OP, at least be honest. You’re not going to be happy if friend’s kid hangs out with you at the party. You expect your daughter to invite her and entertain her, so you might as well use your words and explain that to her.

I think there is a difference between being nice to someone coming to your house because their parents are visiting yours, and inviting that person to what should be “your” day (and I say that as someone who is not a birthday person). If you were making her invite cousins and neighbours, that’s one thing. To single this other child out as an invite, and as a project, isn’t fair to your daughter or the other girl.
Anonymous
Post 03/06/2023 17:47     Subject: Urging child to invite family friend
This is a tough one. I talked my son into inviting a particular boy to his 11th bday party - other kid always invites DS to his parties, they play together at after care, last summer this boy was his only friend at day camp. But ds was resistant to inviting him because he wasn't sure how other kid would fit in. Sometimes he's annoying and doesn't play the same video games. I reminded DS that 1) reciprocating the invitation is the right thing to do, and 2) who cares if he annoys the other boys , that's their problem. I told DS that if anyone complains, tell them "Larlo is my friend, it's MY party, so be nice to him." DS invited him and told me he was glad he did because it made other kid really happy.

Well at the party Larlo blurted out something that really hurt ds's feelings. Like, actually made him cry at his own party. And I kicked myself for convincing DS to invite him.

Anonymous
Post 03/06/2023 16:43     Subject: Re:Urging child to invite family friend
I would invite the friend. It sounds like this is more a of a family type relationship then you trying to force your daughter to be friends with this girl. Since there is plenty of space and you're not sacrificing her guest list to include an additional person then include her. If this was a sleepover or a small party I would say no.
Anonymous
Post 03/06/2023 15:51     Subject: Urging child to invite family friend
Hey OP, why don't you throw your own party for yourself and invite this kid if this kid is so amazing.
Anonymous
Post 03/06/2023 15:30     Subject: Re:Urging child to invite family friend
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:No, I would not invite them. It’s time to let your kid make their own decisions.

No, 10 year olds do not make their own decisions. It’s fine for them to choose their guest list and also for the parents to invite someone as well. I’d invite her. If it were a small party, I would feel differently.


OP here. This is exactly it. This is a large venue, not some intimate party. This may be the last large venue and I want to invite the family friend.


I would invite both the mom and the kid.


Notice how you say you want to invite the family friend. Do it. Why do you keep dragging your kid into this?. Ask your kid and they do not want this friend there. Trying to make them feel badly about feeling that way. You set them up. If you want them there and that's the only answer you will accept then just do it and move on. Pages do you need on this thread?.
Anonymous
Post 03/06/2023 15:29     Subject: Urging child to invite family friend
You may call it urging but everyone here sees it for what it is and it's guilt tripping. If you want to be that mom that your daughter or son does not feel comfortable coming to to share their own opinions because they may differ from yours then continue right ahead down this path. I can tell you where it leads..... So can my mom. And it's not a great relationship as adults or as teenagers.
Anonymous
Post 03/06/2023 13:24     Subject: Urging child to invite family friend
Anonymous wrote:OP, the problem here is you. You want your child to WANT to invite this kid *who is not her friend* to her party. You state that they’re not close, but you have this weird expectation that she should adore this kid and want here there because you and your husband have an affinity for her parents. She doesn’t. But, it’s okay to tell your daughter that this kid is being invited anyway if it’s important to you, but stop it with forcing it to be important to HER. You asked who she wanted to invite, and it doesn’t include this kid that YOU like, and now you’re projecting all kinds of judgment, which is solely yours. Your child has probably endured years of time with this kid for you. I’m sure she will have her at her party, but it’s unfair to corner her into being some kind of bad kid because she doesn’t WANT what you do.

Yeah, all the bad stuff about OP's daughter is just OP speculating. Sometimes kids just don't click, just like adults sometimes don't click. If you want to invite this kid, go ahead, you're paying, but its kind of odd that you're so invested in your daughter being friends with her.
Anonymous
Post 03/06/2023 13:21     Subject: Urging child to invite family friend
Inclusive and kindness does not mean that everybody gets included in everything. Relationships change overtime and OP needs to accept that just because she is great friends with the adults doesn’t mean that the kids have great affinity for one another, for whatever reason. You can teach and model inclusivity without your kid having to sacrifice their comfort at their birthday party. Because that is exactly what OP would be asking of her kid. Not just that they invite the person, but then be sure to include and make them comfortable at the party. Otherwise, the kid is going to be lonely at the party which is just the same as not being invited.
Anonymous
Post 03/06/2023 13:06     Subject: Re:Urging child to invite family friend
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:How upset will your friend be if her kid isn’t invited? And is it worth that?


I think my friend’s feelings will definitely be hurt but I don’t think she will be mad at me. I did not want to make it about special needs but the child has mild special needs. I think that is the main reason why our kids were never close. I am not sure how much this has to do with the special needs or cool factor or looks.

I want my child to be kind and inclusive. My child does hang out with the popular kids at school and some of those kids are definitely not kind.


And bit by bit, this is how the SN kids get left behind.

OP, be true to your friend. If it's a huge venue, kid+mom might have a nice time. The birthday invites will slow to a trickle. IMO, this will alter your friendship if you pass for no really good reason, other than the exclusionary crowd telling you to do so.
Anonymous
Post 03/06/2023 13:05     Subject: Re:Urging child to invite family friend
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:No, I would not invite them. It’s time to let your kid make their own decisions.

No, 10 year olds do not make their own decisions. It’s fine for them to choose their guest list and also for the parents to invite someone as well. I’d invite her. If it were a small party, I would feel differently.


OP here. This is exactly it. This is a large venue, not some intimate party. This may be the last large venue and I want to invite the family friend.


I would invite both the mom and the kid.
Anonymous
Post 03/06/2023 13:02     Subject: Urging child to invite family friend
Invite your friend, and their kid.

Large venue.
Cannot after the fact make up the "small party" excuse.

Ladies on this board learn toward exclusionary. You know that.

Next year, when it's the small place, take this up then.