Anonymous
Post 03/05/2023 06:32     Subject: I feel guilty that I don’t want to SAH
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Nobody wants to be a SAHP with no help.

It seems like you have the perfect set up, OP!


What? I was happy to be a SAHM with no help other than my husband who was a great help and my mom and sister who were always willing to help or give me a break.

I know this sounds crazy but I extended my ability to SAH by taking in a few daycare kids for a few years because I loved being a SAHM. So I took care of my kids and other people's kids without any "help".

What makes you think that everybody feels the way you do about being a SAHM? Seems like a pretty narrow perspective.


This is help, PP. Many people in the DMV have zero family in the area.
Anonymous
Post 03/05/2023 00:57     Subject: I feel guilty that I don’t want to SAH
Anonymous wrote:Nobody wants to be a SAHP with no help.

It seems like you have the perfect set up, OP!


What? I was happy to be a SAHM with no help other than my husband who was a great help and my mom and sister who were always willing to help or give me a break.

I know this sounds crazy but I extended my ability to SAH by taking in a few daycare kids for a few years because I loved being a SAHM. So I took care of my kids and other people's kids without any "help".

What makes you think that everybody feels the way you do about being a SAHM? Seems like a pretty narrow perspective.
Anonymous
Post 03/05/2023 00:53     Subject: I feel guilty that I don’t want to SAH
I SAH for too long. If I could do it over, I’d go back to work within the first year.
Anonymous
Post 03/05/2023 00:06     Subject: Re:I feel guilty that I don’t want to SAH
OMG you should keep working. I say that as someone who, for a multitude of reasons, quit my job to be a a SAHP. I felt like I didn't have a choice, and I still felt guilty about it, so it's true that moms feel guilty no matter what they do. I really respect and have high regard for working moms. I used to have a pretty cushy job and it was just so much easier and more rewarding than being a SAHP. The latter is a pretty thankless job and you only get complaints. And I wasn't that great at it - the professionals I hired to take care of my kids before I quit - they were 200 percent better. More patient, more organized, better with activities, and better with child development.

I love my kids and everything, but I have done so much for them and they really couldn't care less. They take you for granted when you are home all the time. I WOHM now and my relationship with my kids improved.
Anonymous
Post 03/04/2023 21:03     Subject: I feel guilty that I don’t want to SAH
Anonymous wrote:OP I wouldn't crowd source this question on a forum where there are a bunch of insecure and judgmental SAHMs (who smugly type all sorts of nasty things, completely forgetting that there are single moms out there who don't have a choice.)


Working moms are on here too. Girl, keep your job. If divorce ever happens he can take the kids. We need to move past the mother being stuck with the kids in the event of divorce. And don’t feel guilty for asking for help. That is why we work.
Anonymous
Post 03/04/2023 20:49     Subject: I feel guilty that I don’t want to SAH
OP I wouldn't crowd source this question on a forum where there are a bunch of insecure and judgmental SAHMs (who smugly type all sorts of nasty things, completely forgetting that there are single moms out there who don't have a choice.)
Anonymous
Post 03/04/2023 15:06     Subject: I feel guilty that I don’t want to SAH
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I could, we can afford it. But I don’t want to! Are these valid reasons not to want to:

- I do better with a routine, structure, challenge. With SAH I would have to create that myself, and honestly I don’t know many whose routines I covet
- We have lots of help but if I quit I would feel guilty about keeping the help and so I would have to do a lot of grunt work that I don’t enjoy
- DH and grandparents are very involved with the kids and again, if I quit I would feel guilty about asking for their help and instead manage the kids myself most of the time. Would that be bad for them though?

The only things to balance against those are getting more time with the kids and more leisure time. I can flaunt my martyrdom by denying myself the second, but I feel guilty about not wanting the first more - at least not enough to give up those other things!


Work.

Also, nowadays men are not attracted to SAHMs. It's the strange phenomenon where they ask woman to be SAHMs and then lose their attraction to them. For 45 and younger men they are flat out resentful..


Same! And I breastfed each of my kids until they were 18 months old! And was involved in their school and their activities. But, I split chauffeuring with DH, didn’t clean the house or do laundry and zero yard work.

I have an honest question. Don’t people who choose to have children realize that someone will need to raise them? Be available for sick days, doctors appointments, chauffeuring to after-school activities, etc.? Do people nowadays (male or female) just expect to farm it out to daycare, nannies, teachers, etc.? Whether it’s the father or mother, or both parents equally, caregiving is tedious and time consuming, and sometimes soul-sucking. Someone has to do the job, and the job is usually best done by a parent or other family member like a grandparent. I predict the birth rate to drop precipitously if no one really wants to parent anymore. It’s a shame that the work of parenting isn’t valued or rewarded by society.


There’s this thing in the modern workplace called “paid time off”. It’s why my daughter has all her doctors appointments and gets sick sometimes and…still has a mother with a prestigious job. Amazing how more than one thing is possible.
Anonymous
Post 03/04/2023 14:08     Subject: I feel guilty that I don’t want to SAH
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I could, we can afford it. But I don’t want to! Are these valid reasons not to want to:

- I do better with a routine, structure, challenge. With SAH I would have to create that myself, and honestly I don’t know many whose routines I covet
- We have lots of help but if I quit I would feel guilty about keeping the help and so I would have to do a lot of grunt work that I don’t enjoy
- DH and grandparents are very involved with the kids and again, if I quit I would feel guilty about asking for their help and instead manage the kids myself most of the time. Would that be bad for them though?

The only things to balance against those are getting more time with the kids and more leisure time. I can flaunt my martyrdom by denying myself the second, but I feel guilty about not wanting the first more - at least not enough to give up those other things!


Work.

Also, nowadays men are not attracted to SAHMs. It's the strange phenomenon where they ask woman to be SAHMs and then lose their attraction to them. For 45 and younger men they are flat out resentful..


I have an honest question. Don’t people who choose to have children realize that someone will need to raise them? Be available for sick days, doctors appointments, chauffeuring to after-school activities, etc.? Do people nowadays (male or female) just expect to farm it out to daycare, nannies, teachers, etc.? Whether it’s the father or mother, or both parents equally, caregiving is tedious and time consuming, and sometimes soul-sucking. Someone has to do the job, and the job is usually best done by a parent or other family member like a grandparent. I predict the birth rate to drop precipitously if no one really wants to parent anymore. It’s a shame that the work of parenting isn’t valued or rewarded by society.


There’s this thing in the modern workplace called “paid time off”. It’s why my daughter has all her doctors appointments and gets sick sometimes and…still has a mother with a prestigious job. Amazing how more than one thing is possible.
Anonymous
Post 03/04/2023 14:06     Subject: I feel guilty that I don’t want to SAH
Anonymous wrote:Not one person has mentioned what’s in the best interest of the kids?


The best interests of the kids, if they’re girls, is to have a working mother. It increases the chances of their professional success.

The best interest of the kids regardless is to have a happy and fulfilled mother, not one who resents the life she has to live to make sure she meets some anonymous forum standard of putting her kids first.
Anonymous
Post 03/04/2023 10:37     Subject: I feel guilty that I don’t want to SAH
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Nobody wants to be a SAHP with no help.

It seems like you have the perfect set up, OP!


All the SAHMs I know have lots of help.


What kinds of help? I recently became a SAHM and I am interested in knowing what kinds of help others have! I obviously no longer have a nanny but I do still have my housekeeper (and yes I feel a little guilty about it). Do other SAHMs have other kinds of help too?
Anonymous
Post 03/04/2023 09:44     Subject: I feel guilty that I don’t want to SAH
Anonymous wrote:Nobody wants to be a SAHP with no help.

It seems like you have the perfect set up, OP!


All the SAHMs I know have lots of help.
Anonymous
Post 03/04/2023 09:43     Subject: I feel guilty that I don’t want to SAH
Anonymous wrote:I could, we can afford it. But I don’t want to! Are these valid reasons not to want to:

- I do better with a routine, structure, challenge. With SAH I would have to create that myself, and honestly I don’t know many whose routines I covet
- We have lots of help but if I quit I would feel guilty about keeping the help and so I would have to do a lot of grunt work that I don’t enjoy
- DH and grandparents are very involved with the kids and again, if I quit I would feel guilty about asking for their help and instead manage the kids myself most of the time. Would that be bad for them though?

The only things to balance against those are getting more time with the kids and more leisure time. I can flaunt my martyrdom by denying myself the second, but I feel guilty about not wanting the first more - at least not enough to give up those other things!
l

Omg, your thought process is primitive. You do not have to get rid of the help. You do not

1. If you have some intelligence, you can create structure with enough flexibility built in it.
2. You do not have to get rid of the help. The help is there to lessen the burden on the entire family.
3. You should continue to have your DH and grandparents be involved with the kids, but now they should be doing a lot more family time or fun events and activities.

Being a good Sahm requires a lot of executive skills and planning to not only take care of kids and household but your entire family ( and that includes you). But since you have not figured it out, I think you should continue to work, maybe?
Anonymous
Post 03/04/2023 09:35     Subject: I feel guilty that I don’t want to SAH
I became a sahm after my second baby was born and I basically kept the help too.I am a sahm, my kids are lucky to have a highly educated mom with them all the time. But, I valued this time and made sure that things I do not like to do can be outsourced. Did it without an iota of guilt.

Do you know why I do not have a shred of guilt for my comfy lifestyle? Because I take advice from my husband. I do not take advice from other women. My husband encourages me to have help, to throw money at unpleasant things because he wants me to use my talents towards raising our kids and making sure that they have an enriched life. Men are like that. They can keep their eyes on the prize and value having a team of employees to do the grunt work.
Women in the other hand are martyrs.unless you are getting up at 4 am and cleaning the toilets with your own toothbrush, you are basically sbameful. Unlike men who admire someone who rides the gravy train, women will criticize it.
Anonymous
Post 03/04/2023 09:30     Subject: I feel guilty that I don’t want to SAH
Nobody wants to be a SAHP with no help.

It seems like you have the perfect set up, OP!
Anonymous
Post 03/04/2023 09:23     Subject: Re:I feel guilty that I don’t want to SAH
Anonymous wrote:I have not figured any of this out having now been a SAHM but one thing I’m a lot more confident about now having spent so much time around my kids and their peers is that the kids are fine either way. Happy healthy a SAHM kids, nanny kids, daycare kids. If there are correlated differences I don’t think the SAHM is the causative factor.

I do think the 3m maternity leave is really hard on parents. People seem much less stressed if they can cobble together 6 months (including switching parents halfway). But after 6m I think it’s considerably easier.


I totally agree. I'm a fed who had my kids before paid parental leave and got a ton of pushback for trying to push my vacation/sick leave/fmla out to 4 months. It still felt very early. Now it's the norm for my peers to take 6 months. It's just obvious to everyone that 3 months is not enough.