Anonymous
Post 02/27/2023 15:04     Subject: thanks for making dinner
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:BIL and SIL went for marriage counseling. The counselor encouraged a level of gratitude that was ridiculous.

BIL made breakfast. SIL: Thank you, honey for making breakfast! That was so delicious!!

Totally forced, totally fake. But hey, she said the words.

DS's girlfriend's mom insisted on a compliment after the first bite, even if it wasn't very good.

I tend to not drip honey over every day things.





I noticed that he didn't thank her for cleaning up the kitchen after the fact.


If that works for your marriage, that's fine. But little words of gratitude and praise go a long way in many people's marriages. It reminds us not to take each other for granted.


If you need fake and forced compliments there is something deeper wrong.


I don't think you understand that they're neither fake nor forced. I am genuinely grateful when my husband cooks me a meal, or I pick up his dry cleaning. We don't have to do that for each other, but we want to, and we are grateful for that.
Anonymous
Post 02/27/2023 14:23     Subject: thanks for making dinner
Anyone in our house can say they don't like something. But we do say "please, thank you, you're welcome" without force. We also have a rule: you can be mad/upset about something but you will not be mean/rude. If you need a minute, take it.

Kids are 19 and 15
Anonymous
Post 02/27/2023 14:12     Subject: thanks for making dinner
Most times yes. Sometimes not. And same as other PPs kids aren't shy to tell me when they dislike something - though most times I'll know ahead of time if it's a risky dish. DH does breakfast most of the time.

I don't expect it every day but I do expect kids to clean their plates and the table. It's give and take.
Anonymous
Post 02/27/2023 14:08     Subject: thanks for making dinner
Anonymous wrote:If you cook, do you expect your DH to say "this taste great!" or some form of verbal appreciation for making dinner? Just wondering if I'm expecting too much?


We both cook, and we always say thank you. We only "this tastes great!" if it's a new recipe or that's, y'know. . . true. We even say thank you to whoever does the ordering when we get takeout. It's a small thing to do, no one feels taken for granted, and models good manners to the next generation (though we started when we were still dating).

If you want to bring this up to him, make sure you're also being appreciative of whatever it is he does so that it's a two-way street. Thanks for taking the trash out, thanks for scheduling the exterminator, etc. We do all of that too.
Anonymous
Post 02/27/2023 14:03     Subject: thanks for making dinner
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:DH and I thank each other for everything, including cooking dinner (he thanks me) and cleaning up dinner (I thank him). When he does cook dinner, I always thank him even though I don't particularly like it when he cooks; and I always clean and he thanks me.

There are a lot DH and I get wrong, but this is one thing we get right. We thank each other for taking out the trash, doing laundry, handling dinner and homework and bedtime if one of us has to work late, etc.


+1 we also thank our daughter when she does things around the house, etc.


You thank her for making her bed everyday?


Oh gosh yes
Anonymous
Post 02/27/2023 13:54     Subject: thanks for making dinner
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:DH and I thank each other for everything, including cooking dinner (he thanks me) and cleaning up dinner (I thank him). When he does cook dinner, I always thank him even though I don't particularly like it when he cooks; and I always clean and he thanks me.

There are a lot DH and I get wrong, but this is one thing we get right. We thank each other for taking out the trash, doing laundry, handling dinner and homework and bedtime if one of us has to work late, etc.


+1 we also thank our daughter when she does things around the house, etc.


You thank her for making her bed everyday?
Anonymous
Post 02/27/2023 13:53     Subject: thanks for making dinner
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sounds fake and forced


When DH makes grilled cheese, salad and tomato soup for me and the kids, I do not lavish him with praise as if he is a Voltaggio brother gracing me with a five-course tasting menu. But hey, he got home first, he helped the kids with homework, and I get to roll in the house and sit down to dinner. I appreciate that. I say thank you.

I honestly think it might take more effort for me to not thank something than to acknowledge what they did for me.


So you say thanks for dinner, thanks for being home for the kids, thanks for helping with homework?


Every single day, every single time? No. In that scenario, I would definitely say thanks for the dinner. But I would say we thank each other at least 80-90% of the time for routine chores, and always for dinner.

For example, my husband is working late tonight. He knows I will be doing pickup, dinner, homework, and bedtime with the kids. When I reminded them to give him extra hugs because they will be asleep when he gets home tonight, he said, "Thank you for taking care of everything tonight." Last night, I thanked him for carrying three loads of laundry from the basement up to our bedroom. Gratitude is a good habit that we have.

I mean, you can keep arguing with me about it, but yeah. That's how it is in our marriage. And it won't change just because you're trying to poke holes.


You sound super defensive… wild.

I’m not arguing just wondering… but yea I dont need that much validation and it’s also okay that you do.


Awwww, you've been raised to think that simple gratitude, manners and politeness are seeking and giving "validation." It's OK. We can't choose how well we were raised.


Imagine this I have a different love language … your’s is word of affirmation, mine is not… and you need Xanax.


I answered the OP's question. You tried to poke and prod and get more out of me to try to make it seem that somehow, my husband and I showing basic politeness and gratitude to one another is forced or absurd or what have you. Clearly you are the defensive one, who is realizing what a jerk you are for not saying thank you to your own spouse once in a while. Have a great day.

And by the way, it's "yours" not "your's".


Thanks for your very complete answer and also that’s for the spelling correction and thanks for typing clearly and thanks for using correct grammar and punctuation and thanks for the response.

Did I miss one? I don’t want you to go through the day feeling I didn’t express gratitude

Anonymous
Post 02/27/2023 13:29     Subject: Re:thanks for making dinner
I don't think you're expecting too much OP.

It's an obvious barometer, I'd say. Like if you felt generally appreciated, then you probably wouldn't notice or care if no one said anything at a single meal. I feel seen and appreciated, so any particular instance isn't going to faze me too much . . . and I also know I can say, "Hey guys, I'd really like it if you said thank you" and everyone would feel really bad that they hadn't.

It sounds like you are unhappy with the family (or marital?) dynamic overall.
Anonymous
Post 02/27/2023 13:29     Subject: thanks for making dinner
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:DH and I thank each other for everything, including cooking dinner (he thanks me) and cleaning up dinner (I thank him). When he does cook dinner, I always thank him even though I don't particularly like it when he cooks; and I always clean and he thanks me.

There are a lot DH and I get wrong, but this is one thing we get right. We thank each other for taking out the trash, doing laundry, handling dinner and homework and bedtime if one of us has to work late, etc.


This, all of this. It's so easy to take all the stuff for granted in a marriage and if you just get in the habit of always acknowledging when your partner has done anything that makes your life easier, you can avoid a lot of resentment. Also, I have found that we are more likely to do nice "extras" for each other because we thank each other a lot. Like my DH will just make me a tea without me asking, or I'll put his clothes away when the laundry's done instead of just leaving it on the bed for him to put away. I think we are more likely to go a little above and beyond for each other because we know the other person appreciates us.


Yes to this. Dh and I went through a rough patch where we both felt underappreciated and that the other one was carrying a heavy burden of all the household/kid stuff. We made a conscious effort to be grateful with each other and acknowledge what the other was contributing. It made a huge difference. it means most nights DH thanks me for cooking dinner (it doesn't mean he can't say he didn't like it or not to make that item again). It also means I thank him for cleaning up and taking out the trash. He thanks me for doing the laundry and taking the kids to school and I thank him when he cuts the grass etc. Having the other partner acknowledge the work you were doing for the family really helps both parties feel appreciated.
Anonymous
Post 02/27/2023 13:24     Subject: thanks for making dinner
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sounds fake and forced


Tell me, when a server brings your food at a restaurant, do you say "thank you"? When a taxi driver picks you up or drops you off, do you say "thank you"? When the doorman at a hotel opens the door for you, do you not say "thank you"?

All these people are doing their jobs. However, I am willing to bet you utter at least "thank you" to them. Now ask yourself, if you are polite and grateful in even the most rote sense to total strangers...why would you treat your family with less politeness, kindness, and consideration than that?

Somehow you will say "thank you" to the pizza delivery guy, but that is too much effort to say to the person you pledged eternal fidelity and love to at an altar?


What I meant was that it sounded fake and forced when SIL said it. It sounded like a script from a counselor.

I do thank DH for little things. I don't think about it, there isn't a lot of emphasis. No "Oh THANK YOU for carrying my plate!! That was so thoughtful and I really appreciate it!!" He would look at me like I lost my mind. If he does carry something for me, which he does sometimes because I have mobility issues, I simply say "thanks" or "thank you" without gushing.


Yeah, I didn't see one person say they went into over-the-top-gush mode, and I didn't see one person comment that your SIL's counselor's advice sounded good. So...what's your point again?


My point is that if you have to make a point of gratitude, meaning it doesn't come naturally, there is something wrong. If you have to require it or it's said because you expect it, it's just words.


Again, no one here who has answered the OP's question with "yes, we do say thank you often" has also added "and BOY do we lay it on thick, and if someone forgets to say thank you, we rake them over the coals!" Again, no one said "Wow, your SIL's therapist hit it on the nose when she said to be super gushy about those thank yous!"

You're arguing against words that...no one said.
Anonymous
Post 02/27/2023 13:22     Subject: thanks for making dinner
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sounds fake and forced


Tell me, when a server brings your food at a restaurant, do you say "thank you"? When a taxi driver picks you up or drops you off, do you say "thank you"? When the doorman at a hotel opens the door for you, do you not say "thank you"?

All these people are doing their jobs. However, I am willing to bet you utter at least "thank you" to them. Now ask yourself, if you are polite and grateful in even the most rote sense to total strangers...why would you treat your family with less politeness, kindness, and consideration than that?

Somehow you will say "thank you" to the pizza delivery guy, but that is too much effort to say to the person you pledged eternal fidelity and love to at an altar?


What I meant was that it sounded fake and forced when SIL said it. It sounded like a script from a counselor.

I do thank DH for little things. I don't think about it, there isn't a lot of emphasis. No "Oh THANK YOU for carrying my plate!! That was so thoughtful and I really appreciate it!!" He would look at me like I lost my mind. If he does carry something for me, which he does sometimes because I have mobility issues, I simply say "thanks" or "thank you" without gushing.


Yeah, I didn't see one person say they went into over-the-top-gush mode, and I didn't see one person comment that your SIL's counselor's advice sounded good. So...what's your point again?


My point is that if you have to make a point of gratitude, meaning it doesn't come naturally, there is something wrong. If you have to require it or it's said because you expect it, it's just words.
Anonymous
Post 02/27/2023 13:19     Subject: thanks for making dinner
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:BIL and SIL went for marriage counseling. The counselor encouraged a level of gratitude that was ridiculous.

BIL made breakfast. SIL: Thank you, honey for making breakfast! That was so delicious!!

Totally forced, totally fake. But hey, she said the words.

DS's girlfriend's mom insisted on a compliment after the first bite, even if it wasn't very good.

I tend to not drip honey over every day things.

Bingo!





I noticed that he didn't thank her for cleaning up the kitchen after the fact.


If that works for your marriage, that's fine. But little words of gratitude and praise go a long way in many people's marriages. It reminds us not to take each other for granted.


If you need fake and forced compliments there is something deeper wrong.
Anonymous
Post 02/27/2023 13:19     Subject: thanks for making dinner
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sounds fake and forced


Tell me, when a server brings your food at a restaurant, do you say "thank you"? When a taxi driver picks you up or drops you off, do you say "thank you"? When the doorman at a hotel opens the door for you, do you not say "thank you"?

All these people are doing their jobs. However, I am willing to bet you utter at least "thank you" to them. Now ask yourself, if you are polite and grateful in even the most rote sense to total strangers...why would you treat your family with less politeness, kindness, and consideration than that?

Somehow you will say "thank you" to the pizza delivery guy, but that is too much effort to say to the person you pledged eternal fidelity and love to at an altar?


What I meant was that it sounded fake and forced when SIL said it. It sounded like a script from a counselor.

I do thank DH for little things. I don't think about it, there isn't a lot of emphasis. No "Oh THANK YOU for carrying my plate!! That was so thoughtful and I really appreciate it!!" He would look at me like I lost my mind. If he does carry something for me, which he does sometimes because I have mobility issues, I simply say "thanks" or "thank you" without gushing.


Yeah, I didn't see one person say they went into over-the-top-gush mode, and I didn't see one person comment that your SIL's counselor's advice sounded good. So...what's your point again?
Anonymous
Post 02/27/2023 13:18     Subject: thanks for making dinner
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sounds fake and forced


Tell me, when a server brings your food at a restaurant, do you say "thank you"? When a taxi driver picks you up or drops you off, do you say "thank you"? When the doorman at a hotel opens the door for you, do you not say "thank you"?

All these people are doing their jobs. However, I am willing to bet you utter at least "thank you" to them. Now ask yourself, if you are polite and grateful in even the most rote sense to total strangers...why would you treat your family with less politeness, kindness, and consideration than that?

Somehow you will say "thank you" to the pizza delivery guy, but that is too much effort to say to the person you pledged eternal fidelity and love to at an altar?


What I meant was that it sounded fake and forced when SIL said it. It sounded like a script from a counselor.

I do thank DH for little things. I don't think about it, there isn't a lot of emphasis. No "Oh THANK YOU for carrying my plate!! That was so thoughtful and I really appreciate it!!" He would look at me like I lost my mind. If he does carry something for me, which he does sometimes because I have mobility issues, I simply say "thanks" or "thank you" without gushing.
Anonymous
Post 02/27/2023 12:58     Subject: Re:thanks for making dinner
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I cook a meal almost every single night. My husband not only has never thanked me, but doesn't even comment on it or help clean up. Unless there are people over and he wants to put on a show of being a helpful guy.

But more importantly I wanted to say that my son (21) always tells me thank you and lets me know how good it tastes. Last night, it was just catching my eye and giving me the thumbs up while he was chewing. It means a lot to me, and it's nice to hear and see, at least once in a while.

My other kids also express their gratitude in varying ways, and it makes life much more pleasant to at least be noticed by someone.





so you are married more than 21 years and you have allowed your husband (yes, I am using the word allowed) to not clean up after you make dinner? and no "thank yous"? You have obviously not set expectations.


Your husband is a lazy SOB