Anonymous
02/22/2023 14:22
Subject: Re:ADHD daughter making the entire family late in the morning and I cannot stop losing it on her
Hi OP,
I looked at your schedule and my first thought is that you are allowing too much time. I know that sounds counter-intuitive. My DS with ADHD functions best with 25 minutes from getting out of bed to getting out the door. As you pointed out, the waking up requires a little extra time. We allot an additional 10-15 minutes for waking up.
Everything is done on the first floor within eyesight of me and DH. His clothes for the day are on the couch. His toothbrush, etc., is in the first floor bathroom. We have no tv on, no screens, no radio. And, minimal talking.
Our schedules are staggered in the morning so we have more ability to focus on him. He does one step and gets nudged to the next step in rapid succession. He can converse with us along as he's making forward progress while doing it. He's 11 and is medicated. The meds don't kick in that quickly.
I looked at your schedule and my first thought is that you are allowing too much time. I know that sounds counter-intuitive. My DS with ADHD functions best with 25 minutes from getting out of bed to getting out the door. As you pointed out, the waking up requires a little extra time. We allot an additional 10-15 minutes for waking up.
Everything is done on the first floor within eyesight of me and DH. His clothes for the day are on the couch. His toothbrush, etc., is in the first floor bathroom. We have no tv on, no screens, no radio. And, minimal talking.
Our schedules are staggered in the morning so we have more ability to focus on him. He does one step and gets nudged to the next step in rapid succession. He can converse with us along as he's making forward progress while doing it. He's 11 and is medicated. The meds don't kick in that quickly.
Anonymous
02/22/2023 14:21
Subject: ADHD daughter making the entire family late in the morning and I cannot stop losing it on her
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:The schedule is ridiculous. Right out the gate you're setting yourself up for failure. She's tired and needs more sleep and you're forcing her out to bed to have a 50 minute breakfast she's not interested in. Whittle all of this down to 45 mins to an hour. Do her hair for her (she's 6 not 16).
Your kid needs medication. This is no way for any of you to live.
She gets upward of 10 hours a day.
so you’re putting her to bed at 9:30? That’s later than my 11 yo goes to bed and she gets up at the same time as your kid. I would move her bedtime up by an hour.
Bedtime is 8:30 but she can take until 9:00 or 9:30 to be asleep. She often picks her skin or just tosses and turns.
This is why people use melatonin. Sleep is vital - for everyone and even more so for kid with atttentional issues and possibly other issues.
(Fwiw, I have a kid with ASD and ADHD-I and a kid with ASD/PDA and ADHD-H and it's hard. But you still have to parent.)
Yes, I know the importance of sleep. We have tried melatonin but it makes her a monster the next day. She’s extremely sensitive to any medications and even 1/4 of the dose makes her loopy and emotional the next day. I will lay with her, have taught her guided relaxation, rub her back, scratch her head, and make her do deep breathing every night to help her fall asleep. Sometimes it happens quickly but often it doesn’t.
Why would you suggest that “I still have to parent,” as though I am not? What about my posts ever suggested that I am not working my tail off to parent? I never get a break, and am constantly trying new and different parenting techniques, seeing specialists and our doctor, etc. I do nothing but parent. Nothing.
She is staying up too late and having a hard time waking in the mornings, as well as not behaving her best - she needs more sleep. The "best" way to make that happen would be to wear her out with physical exercise during the day, but that can be difficult to make happen. Maybe a bath or shower as part of the bedtime routine would help, there are other things to do.
OP, you are working hard at parenting, but there are some things that can be improved. That's why you posted.
Anonymous
02/22/2023 14:20
Subject: ADHD daughter making the entire family late in the morning and I cannot stop losing it on her
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:The schedule is ridiculous. Right out the gate you're setting yourself up for failure. She's tired and needs more sleep and you're forcing her out to bed to have a 50 minute breakfast she's not interested in. Whittle all of this down to 45 mins to an hour. Do her hair for her (she's 6 not 16).
Your kid needs medication. This is no way for any of you to live.
She gets upward of 10 hours a day.
so you’re putting her to bed at 9:30? That’s later than my 11 yo goes to bed and she gets up at the same time as your kid. I would move her bedtime up by an hour.
Bedtime is 8:30 but she can take until 9:00 or 9:30 to be asleep. She often picks her skin or just tosses and turns.
This is why people use melatonin. Sleep is vital - for everyone and even more so for kid with atttentional issues and possibly other issues.
(Fwiw, I have a kid with ASD and ADHD-I and a kid with ASD/PDA and ADHD-H and it's hard. But you still have to parent.)
Yes, I know the importance of sleep. We have tried melatonin but it makes her a monster the next day. She’s extremely sensitive to any medications and even 1/4 of the dose makes her loopy and emotional the next day. I will lay with her, have taught her guided relaxation, rub her back, scratch her head, and make her do deep breathing every night to help her fall asleep. Sometimes it happens quickly but often it doesn’t.
Why would you suggest that “I still have to parent,” as though I am not? What about my posts ever suggested that I am not working my tail off to parent? I never get a break, and am constantly trying new and different parenting techniques, seeing specialists and our doctor, etc. I do nothing but parent. Nothing.
She doesn’t need always new and different parenting techniques, she needs one technique implemented consistently.
Anonymous
02/22/2023 14:18
Subject: ADHD daughter making the entire family late in the morning and I cannot stop losing it on her
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Remember, a child with ADHD is delayed about 3 years in maturity level. She will learn to do everything on her own - but it will be later.
100%. I "dressed" my ADHD daughter while we chatted and took her through the same routine every morning until 4th grade. She began to take over most of the steps and is now completely independent though still might need a gentle reminder to brush her teeth or remember her computer charger.
She is now, an 8th grader, a straight A student, super creative and an overall good kid with a healthy self esteem. And we have a close relationship.
Parents - your young ADHD kids are not trying to torture you or make you late on purpose. Have a little compassion and ignore the type A super moms who have it all wired. You have a different kid - be patient and loving and do what works until your kid is mature enough to take on these habits.
As a side note, my oldest son is also ADHD and we shamed him (unintentionally) and nagged him, and guess what - it didn't click for him until 8th grade either. And he still has self esteem issues around organization. (And was an angry teenager) I wish we had been more patient with him.
Thank you. My doctor said not to dress her and that we were enabling her. Honestly I just want to cry. My other kid is SN (entirely other issues) and I just am at the end of my rope with the two of them.
Anonymous
02/22/2023 14:18
Subject: ADHD daughter making the entire family late in the morning and I cannot stop losing it on her
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:At this point I’m calling troll because you don’t actually seem to want advice. Multiple people have provided multiple ideas and you just come up with excuses why it will never work.
I’m not a troll, I’m a parent at my wits end. Thank you to the poster who shared the PDA info, she was not evaluated for that or autism but the description fits her to a t.
Doesn’t matter what her diagnosis is, you need to change your parenting style and expectations immediately or she is only going to get worse as she gets older and you won’t be able to handle her at all and you’ll be asking about residential placement.
I mean the dx matters insofar as it can guide the parenting approach. Kids with PDA-ASD need a vastly different approach.
Anonymous
02/22/2023 14:17
Subject: ADHD daughter making the entire family late in the morning and I cannot stop losing it on her
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:At this point I’m calling troll because you don’t actually seem to want advice. Multiple people have provided multiple ideas and you just come up with excuses why it will never work.
I’m not a troll, I’m a parent at my wits end. Thank you to the poster who shared the PDA info, she was not evaluated for that or autism but the description fits her to a t.
How and where did you get an ADHD diagnosis for a 6 yr old girl and that autism wasn't part of that evaluation?
Not OP but mom of ASD girl here. They OFTEN don't screen girls for ASD at that age if they're "social" -- boys with the typical asd presentation get identified way earlier. Signed, a parent of a girl who got identified with ASD at 13 when she was acting exactly as OP's kid as a 6 year old. I was told by MULTIPLE professionals that she wasn't on the spectrum. I was told it was my parenting. Over and over and over.
My daughter has ADHD it took years to get the diagnosis. She's 9. But every questionnaire we've filled out, and all the questions we've been asked over the years always included ASD type screening questions. I've known something was up for years but it wasn't until the demands at school ramped up that I could finally get someone to listen to me about it. That's why I'm confused how ASD was totally looked over because that was always the starting point for us and we aren't dealing with ASD just classic ADHD.
Anonymous
02/22/2023 14:15
Subject: ADHD daughter making the entire family late in the morning and I cannot stop losing it on her
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:The schedule is ridiculous. Right out the gate you're setting yourself up for failure. She's tired and needs more sleep and you're forcing her out to bed to have a 50 minute breakfast she's not interested in. Whittle all of this down to 45 mins to an hour. Do her hair for her (she's 6 not 16).
Your kid needs medication. This is no way for any of you to live.
She gets upward of 10 hours a day.
so you’re putting her to bed at 9:30? That’s later than my 11 yo goes to bed and she gets up at the same time as your kid. I would move her bedtime up by an hour.
Bedtime is 8:30 but she can take until 9:00 or 9:30 to be asleep. She often picks her skin or just tosses and turns.
This is why people use melatonin. Sleep is vital - for everyone and even more so for kid with atttentional issues and possibly other issues.
(Fwiw, I have a kid with ASD and ADHD-I and a kid with ASD/PDA and ADHD-H and it's hard. But you still have to parent.)
Yes, I know the importance of sleep. We have tried melatonin but it makes her a monster the next day. She’s extremely sensitive to any medications and even 1/4 of the dose makes her loopy and emotional the next day. I will lay with her, have taught her guided relaxation, rub her back, scratch her head, and make her do deep breathing every night to help her fall asleep. Sometimes it happens quickly but often it doesn’t.
Why would you suggest that “I still have to parent,” as though I am not? What about my posts ever suggested that I am not working my tail off to parent? I never get a break, and am constantly trying new and different parenting techniques, seeing specialists and our doctor, etc. I do nothing but parent. Nothing.
Anonymous
02/22/2023 14:15
Subject: Re:ADHD daughter making the entire family late in the morning and I cannot stop losing it on her
Look into ARFID regarding eating problems...
Anonymous
02/22/2023 14:15
Subject: ADHD daughter making the entire family late in the morning and I cannot stop losing it on her
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:At this point I’m calling troll because you don’t actually seem to want advice. Multiple people have provided multiple ideas and you just come up with excuses why it will never work.
I’m not a troll, I’m a parent at my wits end. Thank you to the poster who shared the PDA info, she was not evaluated for that or autism but the description fits her to a t.
How and where did you get an ADHD diagnosis for a 6 yr old girl and that autism wasn't part of that evaluation?
Not OP but mom of ASD girl here. They OFTEN don't screen girls for ASD at that age if they're "social" -- boys with the typical asd presentation get identified way earlier. Signed, a parent of a girl who got identified with ASD at 13 when she was acting exactly as OP's kid as a 6 year old. I was told by MULTIPLE professionals that she wasn't on the spectrum. I was told it was my parenting. Over and over and over.
Anonymous
02/22/2023 14:13
Subject: Re:ADHD daughter making the entire family late in the morning and I cannot stop losing it on her
Are you willing to try medication? You’re expecting her to do better when she clearly does not have the tools to do so, which means you need to either give her more/better tools or wildly adjust your expectations (or both).
I also agree with others that there may be more going one than ADHD.
I also agree with others that there may be more going one than ADHD.
Anonymous
02/22/2023 14:12
Subject: ADHD daughter making the entire family late in the morning and I cannot stop losing it on her
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:At this point I’m calling troll because you don’t actually seem to want advice. Multiple people have provided multiple ideas and you just come up with excuses why it will never work.
I’m not a troll, I’m a parent at my wits end. Thank you to the poster who shared the PDA info, she was not evaluated for that or autism but the description fits her to a t.
How and where did you get an ADHD diagnosis for a 6 yr old girl and that autism wasn't part of that evaluation?
Just the ADD panel was done.
Who did you see for the ADD panel? What type of professional?
It was a solo psychologist.
You need to get a full evaluation. How can you treat the symptoms when you don't know why the problem is?
Anonymous
02/22/2023 14:12
Subject: ADHD daughter making the entire family late in the morning and I cannot stop losing it on her
Anonymous wrote:Remember, a child with ADHD is delayed about 3 years in maturity level. She will learn to do everything on her own - but it will be later.
100%. I "dressed" my ADHD daughter while we chatted and took her through the same routine every morning until 4th grade. She began to take over most of the steps and is now completely independent though still might need a gentle reminder to brush her teeth or remember her computer charger.
She is now, an 8th grader, a straight A student, super creative and an overall good kid with a healthy self esteem. And we have a close relationship.
Parents - your young ADHD kids are not trying to torture you or make you late on purpose. Have a little compassion and ignore the type A super moms who have it all wired. You have a different kid - be patient and loving and do what works until your kid is mature enough to take on these habits.
As a side note, my oldest son is also ADHD and we shamed him (unintentionally) and nagged him, and guess what - it didn't click for him until 8th grade either. And he still has self esteem issues around organization. (And was an angry teenager) I wish we had been more patient with him.
Anonymous
02/22/2023 14:11
Subject: ADHD daughter making the entire family late in the morning and I cannot stop losing it on her
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:She literally eats nothing at school most days. Often doesn’t drink water. So she will go an entire school day without eating so we serve a massive breakfast to remedy that. Her weight gain is not great. She gets cereal, hot eggs/pancakes, sausage, etc. A very full meal. If we just do cereal or something sugary she will be melting down after school so it’s protein heavy.
I see why you are serving protein but could you find a school-based solution so as to avoid the massive breakfast?
She’s a picky eater. Will refuse any food that isn’t home prepared.
Ok OP. In that case I would suggest:
1. call your pediatrician to ask about medication - look up Russell Barkley on the effects of medication
2. a therapist mainly to work with you and your partner
3. a pediatric gastroenterologist to walk you through how to break this crazy food pattern
4. a parenting class (start with Dan Shapiro's Parent Child Journey)
5. seriously consider how to get more than 10 hours of sleep in per night.
Thank you, I appreciate these resources and the others that were suggested.
Anonymous
02/22/2023 14:10
Subject: ADHD daughter making the entire family late in the morning and I cannot stop losing it on her
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:At this point I’m calling troll because you don’t actually seem to want advice. Multiple people have provided multiple ideas and you just come up with excuses why it will never work.
I’m not a troll, I’m a parent at my wits end. Thank you to the poster who shared the PDA info, she was not evaluated for that or autism but the description fits her to a t.
How and where did you get an ADHD diagnosis for a 6 yr old girl and that autism wasn't part of that evaluation?
Just the ADD panel was done.
Who did you see for the ADD panel? What type of professional?
It was a solo psychologist.
Anonymous
02/22/2023 14:10
Subject: ADHD daughter making the entire family late in the morning and I cannot stop losing it on her
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:The schedule is ridiculous. Right out the gate you're setting yourself up for failure. She's tired and needs more sleep and you're forcing her out to bed to have a 50 minute breakfast she's not interested in. Whittle all of this down to 45 mins to an hour. Do her hair for her (she's 6 not 16).
Your kid needs medication. This is no way for any of you to live.
She gets upward of 10 hours a day.
so you’re putting her to bed at 9:30? That’s later than my 11 yo goes to bed and she gets up at the same time as your kid. I would move her bedtime up by an hour.
Bedtime is 8:30 but she can take until 9:00 or 9:30 to be asleep. She often picks her skin or just tosses and turns.
This is why people use melatonin. Sleep is vital - for everyone and even more so for kid with atttentional issues and possibly other issues.
(Fwiw, I have a kid with ASD and ADHD-I and a kid with ASD/PDA and ADHD-H and it's hard. But you still have to parent.)