Anonymous
Post 02/10/2023 22:47     Subject: Breaking up because there is a lack of physical attraction/chemistry
I'm a woman and I totally get you, OP. I'm currently in the opposite situation: My boyfriend of 9 years has stopped complimenting me, stopped acknowledging when I've put in effort, never asks for pics anymore, even though I continue to bring it effort-wise. But, sadly, his declining interest kicks off a downward spiral that might be the death of this relationship. His compliments made me feel sexy, which inspired me to make the effort (on my appearance and in bed), and without them now, I feel defeatist and resentful, like why bother, he won't appreciate it. But the sex and chemistry was our glue. I've tried explaining this to him, to no avail.

(And to the people who will inevitably gloat about choosing their partner based on more than chemistry -- I had that in my previous, sexless marriage. No, thanks. I'd still prefer a series of 10-yr relationships that burn hot. I just don't know why he stopped "seeing" me.)
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2023 19:00     Subject: Breaking up because there is a lack of physical attraction/chemistry
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It’s not shallow. I applaud you for speaking your mind. Just look at all the miserable people on this board and you’ll be glad you’re not settling for someone that you’re not physically attracted to after the “honeymoon" period ends.


Yep.

Do not settle. If you do, you will be back here complaining about how the marriage is dead.

Be confident in what you are looking for.

I have a cousin who is like you. He is married to a real life doll. She is always well put together. Always. He is too: handsome, tall and muscular and does not mess with his workout and diet. They are a great match and are happy. They are nice people who just love to look great all the time.



I think everyone sees some part of this and most of the conflict here is about assuming ill-intent on another party.

I will say that I don't think OP has fully considered why is criteria might be problematic for women. Namely, there is a fine line between "I want to feel that you are always putting in the effort to look nice" and "I always want you to look nice". Women know that beauty is powerful and fleeting. That's not to say you can't look great at 50+. But it is substantially more difficult to manage than at 25, 30, or even 35. So making a commitment like that is anxiety inducing, because it's not just keep on keeping on. It's an expanding portfolio of work. And that's assuming that you can absolutely trust that the man is seeking the effort, and not the result. Because there will always be someone younger and new for whom the result is easier to achieve. And this hasn't even touched on the difficulties associated with the other parts of your life that grow and take up the space you spent on dating in your twenties: kids, work, charity, aging parents, home maintenance, and your own health.

I would also like to say that I think OP misses the mark when addressing his own contributions on this point. What is required of men, particularly heterosexual men, is laughable next to what's considered standard for women. You go to the gym and wear appropriate clothing. Elaborate hairstyle? Not necessary. Make-up? No. Men's clothing can vary based on the event, but basically none of it wouldn't allow you to work construction. Sure, it would be shame to get sawdust on $500 Italian leather shoes or some limited edition sneakers, but you could still move about the job site. . That's not true for sheath dress and heels. Basically any men's garment that isn't comfortable has been all but eliminated mainstream fashion.

It's not to say that OP hates women or anything like that. It just that he seems unaware of why things might change in a relationship. It's almost as though he wants to freeze everything at a good moment and say this when things were good for me any change is bad. I suspect most women, even without a considered plan on the point, will move on from the job interview phase of dating and want someone more comfortable for them in a marriage or long-term partnership. They're going to care more about how things go when they aren't looking their best than how much fun they had at the Michelin star restaurant and fancy concert.

It's ok that you have different priorities, but that will make it harder to find the person that shares your view.


I don’t think OP hates women, but I absolutely think he views women as a possession which, if not perfectly groomed, injures his self-esteem. Extremely extremely shallow. I’ll agree there may not be ill intent, but OP seems to have limited ability to form real connections. Perhaps because he demands perfection from himself and cannot differentiate himself from his partner. It’s not a promising dynamic. Hate to say it, but OP may need to suffer some kind of tragedy in life to be able to gain a new perspective. In the interim I think OP should take a break from dating and try to develop
more intimacy in his relationships (friends, relatives) and maybe go on some kind of service trip or volunteer.


I think you are assuming an ill-intent when you write that he views women as possessions. I certainly don't agree with the things he has chosen to value, but I think everyone gets to make those choices for themselves. I loathed my stepmother as a teen because she put a great deal of emphasis on appearances. Not necessarily physical appearance (though not exclusive of that either), but in presenting formally set table, decorations for holidays, and a sort of false joviality when things were actually quite tense and uncomfortable. As an adult, I can more easily appreciate the kind of make-an-effort to be polite instead of sulking and all the work that it takes to make an event special for guests. Back then, I would have described it in an impressive string of expletives and filth.

I guess what I am saying is that what is shallow and what is a deeply important value is really subject to the person. One posters core beliefs and deeply rooted cultural tradition, is another's drunken, half-remembered ghost story. My hope in posting here is that OP can gain a sense of the burden of his request and perhaps an appreciation for another's viewpoint. If not, then it may be that he is better served in some kind of poly arrangement, which is beyond the scope of my experience.
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2023 17:50     Subject: Re:Breaking up because there is a lack of physical attraction/chemistry
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Yes, you are completely shallow, and this is the part that shows it:

For me loving someone and being compatible with them doesn't move the needle on raw physical attraction.


For most people, when they love someone, they are also attracted to that person, as a whole.

The raw physical attraction you speak of really only lasts in the beginning phase of a relationship.

So, not only are you shallow, but you are also immature to expect that kind of raw physical attraction to last in a LTR. So, if you break up with women because that part has fizzled even though you say you "love" that person, then yes, you are completely shallow, and will die alone.

Do you really think you're going to have that raw physical attraction to a 70 yr old woman ? You will die alone.


Really? Do most people agree with the bolded part here?


As someone who was married and in a long relationship for 19 years, yes it absolutely changes. It depends on a relationship. We had s..x every day for the first 2 years; 3-4 times/week up until year 7 or so, then once a week. To me the quality of s..x improved as we grew together. But not for him probably as he cheated .
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2023 17:46     Subject: Re:Breaking up because there is a lack of physical attraction/chemistry
Anonymous wrote:Yes, you are completely shallow, and this is the part that shows it:

For me loving someone and being compatible with them doesn't move the needle on raw physical attraction.


For most people, when they love someone, they are also attracted to that person, as a whole.

The raw physical attraction you speak of really only lasts in the beginning phase of a relationship.

So, not only are you shallow, but you are also immature to expect that kind of raw physical attraction to last in a LTR. So, if you break up with women because that part has fizzled even though you say you "love" that person, then yes, you are completely shallow, and will die alone.

Do you really think you're going to have that raw physical attraction to a 70 yr old woman ? You will die alone.


Really? Do most people agree with the bolded part here?
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2023 17:36     Subject: Re:Breaking up because there is a lack of physical attraction/chemistry
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am a beautiful woman who is always on top of my game, and I date slightly chubby man who is very intellectual and makes me feel special. He is a amazing in bed, I don't even pay attention to his beer belly we are so compatible on pheromones level.




I love a beer belly. Not too big. I am not sure why I find it attractive. Perhaps it's non- threatening?

I objectively find a six pack nice and handsome, but sexually I don't get it at all.


Yes, I was never into model look in men. They all look bland to me, and I much rather enjoy walking on hills all dressed up to a "crazy professor" type. Yes, my BF is that type: he's not short but is bolding with beer belly. It makes me feel like I am so special when I am out with him, as if everyone is wondering if he has a big D. Yes, he does!
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2023 17:30     Subject: Re:Breaking up because there is a lack of physical attraction/chemistry
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am a beautiful woman who is always on top of my game, and I date slightly chubby man who is very intellectual and makes me feel special. He is a amazing in bed, I don't even pay attention to his beer belly we are so compatible on pheromones level.




I love a beer belly. Not too big. I am not sure why I find it attractive. Perhaps it's non- threatening?

I objectively find a six pack nice and handsome, but sexually I don't get it at all.


Him having beer belly (not big) makes me feel dirty during s...x . You know, I am all that thin and athletic and he's an "older" horny dirty man having me (in reality 5 years older) :0) I can't describe the feeling but it's something like that.
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2023 17:26     Subject: Re:Breaking up because there is a lack of physical attraction/chemistry
Anonymous wrote:I am a beautiful woman who is always on top of my game, and I date slightly chubby man who is very intellectual and makes me feel special. He is a amazing in bed, I don't even pay attention to his beer belly we are so compatible on pheromones level.




I love a beer belly. Not too big. I am not sure why I find it attractive. Perhaps it's non- threatening?

I objectively find a six pack nice and handsome, but sexually I don't get it at all.
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2023 17:21     Subject: Re:Breaking up because there is a lack of physical attraction/chemistry
Anonymous wrote:Look for women in an appearance-based industry where it's important to always look put together.
Meet women at the gym.
Find a woman in that 10% with a high sex drive.

She may be more likely to cheat but men who are like this are, too.


I think it is really hard to predict who gas a high sex drive. Most people do at the beginning and then simmer down after excitement wears off. But this happens behind close doors while a woman who is always on her A game is visible to all so can be easily identified.



Anonymous
Post 02/10/2023 17:01     Subject: Re:Breaking up because there is a lack of physical attraction/chemistry
Anonymous wrote:I am a beautiful woman who is always on top of my game, and I date slightly chubby man who is very intellectual and makes me feel special. He is a amazing in bed, I don't even pay attention to his beer belly we are so compatible on pheromones level.


you go girl
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2023 16:57     Subject: Re:Breaking up because there is a lack of physical attraction/chemistry
Yes, you are completely shallow, and this is the part that shows it:

For me loving someone and being compatible with them doesn't move the needle on raw physical attraction.


For most people, when they love someone, they are also attracted to that person, as a whole.

The raw physical attraction you speak of really only lasts in the beginning phase of a relationship.

So, not only are you shallow, but you are also immature to expect that kind of raw physical attraction to last in a LTR. So, if you break up with women because that part has fizzled even though you say you "love" that person, then yes, you are completely shallow, and will die alone.

Do you really think you're going to have that raw physical attraction to a 70 yr old woman ? You will die alone.
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2023 16:56     Subject: Re:Breaking up because there is a lack of physical attraction/chemistry
I am a beautiful woman who is always on top of my game, and I date slightly chubby man who is very intellectual and makes me feel special. He is a amazing in bed, I don't even pay attention to his beer belly we are so compatible on pheromones level.
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2023 16:44     Subject: Breaking up because there is a lack of physical attraction/chemistry
Men: do you ever wonder why beautiful women date schlumpy guys? Just read this post! We want to feel accepted and cherished, not pressured to be “living dolls.”
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2023 16:42     Subject: Re:Breaking up because there is a lack of physical attraction/chemistry
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP you just sound like a classical poly man type. Nobody would be ever good enough for you because you really can't have a monogamous long relationship. You need constant stimulation with new partner. There are many guys like that in their mid 50s still single on OLD.

LTR and marriage is not for everyone.


I don't think so. I like the idea of being with one person. And I realize that newness is always different. I'm not asking for butterflies all over again. But it comes down to effort. I try to live each day/week/year being the best version of myself I can be. I may not have the genetics to have an 8-pack and 20 inch arms, but I'm going to maximize what I can achieve with raw effort. I'm going to wear the nicest and most flattering clothes I can afford, and continue to groom in ways that maximize my attractiveness the same way I did on my first date night. What I don't understand is why I seem to end up with women who do backflips in the bedroom for the first year and are always wearing heels, bronzer, and "sexy" outfits on date nights but then trade that in for cardigans and duty sex a year later. I can't seem to find someone who wants to inspire me and vice versa so that monogamy is as fresh as it can be. I'm not asking for new, I'm asking for your best effort day in and day out.


Have you ever considered being with the reverse? A woman who doesn't do all of that at first? Or can you not get it up for that?


Sorry that was a dig. But you need to find women you are attracted to without all of the glam and sex doll shi%. Also monogamy literally isn't fresh. Theres 100 positions, 500 different role play scenarios, 100s of toys, multiple holes and you will still end up doing some of that repeatedly.

I can imagine feeling like its a performance every time is exhausting for her too. Even all the fancy date nights. Like it sounds that you want the show of a relationship but not the effort and building part.

And gimme a break on the inspire part. you sound exhausting.


The judgement from OP is probably very apparent to his GFs, which would have a real death-spiral impact in the bedroom. I’m wondering how good he was at pleasing women in bed anyway. Those “backflips” get real old when she’s not getting off, to put it bluntly. The 6 month mark should be where things get interesting if you are doing it right.
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2023 16:38     Subject: Breaking up because there is a lack of physical attraction/chemistry
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It’s not shallow. I applaud you for speaking your mind. Just look at all the miserable people on this board and you’ll be glad you’re not settling for someone that you’re not physically attracted to after the “honeymoon" period ends.


Yep.

Do not settle. If you do, you will be back here complaining about how the marriage is dead.

Be confident in what you are looking for.

I have a cousin who is like you. He is married to a real life doll. She is always well put together. Always. He is too: handsome, tall and muscular and does not mess with his workout and diet. They are a great match and are happy. They are nice people who just love to look great all the time.



I think everyone sees some part of this and most of the conflict here is about assuming ill-intent on another party.

I will say that I don't think OP has fully considered why is criteria might be problematic for women. Namely, there is a fine line between "I want to feel that you are always putting in the effort to look nice" and "I always want you to look nice". Women know that beauty is powerful and fleeting. That's not to say you can't look great at 50+. But it is substantially more difficult to manage than at 25, 30, or even 35. So making a commitment like that is anxiety inducing, because it's not just keep on keeping on. It's an expanding portfolio of work. And that's assuming that you can absolutely trust that the man is seeking the effort, and not the result. Because there will always be someone younger and new for whom the result is easier to achieve. And this hasn't even touched on the difficulties associated with the other parts of your life that grow and take up the space you spent on dating in your twenties: kids, work, charity, aging parents, home maintenance, and your own health.

I would also like to say that I think OP misses the mark when addressing his own contributions on this point. What is required of men, particularly heterosexual men, is laughable next to what's considered standard for women. You go to the gym and wear appropriate clothing. Elaborate hairstyle? Not necessary. Make-up? No. Men's clothing can vary based on the event, but basically none of it wouldn't allow you to work construction. Sure, it would be shame to get sawdust on $500 Italian leather shoes or some limited edition sneakers, but you could still move about the job site. . That's not true for sheath dress and heels. Basically any men's garment that isn't comfortable has been all but eliminated mainstream fashion.

It's not to say that OP hates women or anything like that. It just that he seems unaware of why things might change in a relationship. It's almost as though he wants to freeze everything at a good moment and say this when things were good for me any change is bad. I suspect most women, even without a considered plan on the point, will move on from the job interview phase of dating and want someone more comfortable for them in a marriage or long-term partnership. They're going to care more about how things go when they aren't looking their best than how much fun they had at the Michelin star restaurant and fancy concert.

It's ok that you have different priorities, but that will make it harder to find the person that shares your view.


I don’t think OP hates women, but I absolutely think he views women as a possession which, if not perfectly groomed, injures his self-esteem. Extremely extremely shallow. I’ll agree there may not be ill intent, but OP seems to have limited ability to form real connections. Perhaps because he demands perfection from himself and cannot differentiate himself from his partner. It’s not a promising dynamic. Hate to say it, but OP may need to suffer some kind of tragedy in life to be able to gain a new perspective. In the interim I think OP should take a break from dating and try to develop
more intimacy in his relationships (friends, relatives) and maybe go on some kind of service trip or volunteer.
Anonymous
Post 02/10/2023 16:37     Subject: Re:Breaking up because there is a lack of physical attraction/chemistry
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP you just sound like a classical poly man type. Nobody would be ever good enough for you because you really can't have a monogamous long relationship. You need constant stimulation with new partner. There are many guys like that in their mid 50s still single on OLD.

LTR and marriage is not for everyone.


I don't think so. I like the idea of being with one person. And I realize that newness is always different. I'm not asking for butterflies all over again. But it comes down to effort. I try to live each day/week/year being the best version of myself I can be. I may not have the genetics to have an 8-pack and 20 inch arms, but I'm going to maximize what I can achieve with raw effort. I'm going to wear the nicest and most flattering clothes I can afford, and continue to groom in ways that maximize my attractiveness the same way I did on my first date night. What I don't understand is why I seem to end up with women who do backflips in the bedroom for the first year and are always wearing heels, bronzer, and "sexy" outfits on date nights but then trade that in for cardigans and duty sex a year later. I can't seem to find someone who wants to inspire me and vice versa so that monogamy is as fresh as it can be. I'm not asking for new, I'm asking for your best effort day in and day out.


Have you ever considered being with the reverse? A woman who doesn't do all of that at first? Or can you not get it up for that?


Sorry that was a dig. But you need to find women you are attracted to without all of the glam and sex doll shi%. Also monogamy literally isn't fresh. Theres 100 positions, 500 different role play scenarios, 100s of toys, multiple holes and you will still end up doing some of that repeatedly.

I can imagine feeling like its a performance every time is exhausting for her too. Even all the fancy date nights. Like it sounds that you want the show of a relationship but not the effort and building part.

And gimme a break on the inspire part. you sound exhausting.