Anonymous wrote:Op here. We have tried time out. He doesn’t respond to it- doesn’t seem to care. When he took the cheese, he runs away laughing and he’s very fast and I (literally) can’t catch him. I let him pick out his clothes and he still doesn’t get dressed. When I yell at him, or when my husband yells at him, he sort of freezes and ignores us. I feel like he’s so difficult that lately i just relent and let him watch tv. I’m out of things to do. The only thing he consistently does it take his shoes off before coming in the house (a rule) but everything else he ignores. He isn’t motivated by rewards and isn’t deterred by time outs. Sometimes he’s great (mainly when not in the house)

- you are allowing this to happen. If he doesn't care about rewards then he's got way too much independence already. Plus, you catch him when he steals the cheese and then goes to bed early. To give up control to a 4 year old can't feel good to you or your child. Use your backbone. You can do this because if you don't get a handle on it now, your life will be miserable.

Anonymous wrote:I’m totally unqualified to offer advice on this, but I read 1-2-3 magic and a lot of what you’re describing sounds like some of the cartoon scenarios in the book. Have you tried this method?

+100 on 1,2,3 Magic. Also- end of the month sticker rewards is too far away. Give a teeny reward on the daily for desired behavior-a bedtime story, pick a fun song and dance together to it, jump on the bed for 60 seconds....

OP I highly recommend PICT therapy. We did it for a similar case and it is helpful.

First of all, the behavior you describe is age appropriate. I agree that it is attention seeking. The first step of PICT is learn to ignore bad behavior. Turn off the attention. In the cheese case, I’d silently take the cheese away and not say anything except this is going away now. Later you can say we will practice asking for what we want. Praise and reward for the behavior you do want to see. You need to focus on differentiating attention — lots for the good behavior, none for the bad (unless it’s hitting/kicking). Also, spend 20 min together just playing and praising him. There is a specific set of words you use. When you fill that attention bucket and affirm your bond, the negative attention seeking calms down.

This will take a while, but PICT recommends establishing that bond before moving to the next phase of time outs. In the beginning it should be only for good listening practice, basically following commands. Practice timeout in a structured 20 minute play session using the PRAISE skills and giving play related commands. This is where you set up the timeout space and protocol. Praise for following commands.

Then you move to using timeouts in real life, which should be 3 minutes for hitting/kicking.

It’s a process but really helps. I recommend finding a counselor in your area to guide your family. Sounds like you are stuck in a loop where you’re burnt out snd he’s acting out. Good luck.

Sounds autistic

Op I would try to put him on the bottom step for time out but he would never sit there, in a million years, and I’m at the point where I can’t physically get him to sit there. Maybe a time out in his car seat? Or is this abuse too?

Anonymous wrote:TV does crazy things to kids' brains. Stop TV altogether. Lots of outside time being active. Put him in a time out that he understands. I knew a family who had a complete change of behavior by threats of putting kid in the closet which they did one single time. After that, the mention of the closet worked like charm. Also, give him lots of positive attention (reading a book and cuddling), but for goodness sake stop TV for a month, and after a week you will see a difference.

That is abuse.

TV does crazy things to kids' brains. Stop TV altogether. Lots of outside time being active. Put him in a time out that he understands. I knew a family who had a complete change of behavior by threats of putting kid in the closet which they did one single time. After that, the mention of the closet worked like charm. Also, give him lots of positive attention (reading a book and cuddling), but for goodness sake stop TV for a month, and after a week you will see a difference.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Four year old has been good for about a day but then just had a big incident. He jumped on our dog (an old lab- that is a BIG no because the dog is arthritic) so I said that’s a time out. I went to go put him in time out upstairs and of course he runs away and I’m chasing him like a fool. I finally catch up to him and his bites my finger- hard. I grab him and and put him in time out. He falls asleep in the time out. I don’t want him to nap because he’s just transitioning out of naps and will be up all night, so I woke him up. In this circumstance I don’t think he learned anything. What could I have done better?

As for the dog, you need to protect him and not let your son around him.
Grabbing cheese? Put it high up or lock fridge. There is a strap type thing for keeping kids out of things. Is the cheese so important that you have to chase him? Just consider the cheese a part of dinner, maybe?
Not getting dressed? Super nanny says let the kid go to school in pajamas.
Doesn’t want to take a bath or brush teeth? Tell them ok.
Try to imagine that he’s still little and he does well when he can. When he misbehaves or especially hits, Janet Landsbury (who can be a bit preachy) says to hold him gently from behind, maybe sitting on the floor, and tell him you won’t let him hurt you. Calmly.
Also tell him that no matter what he does you love him. That he’s a kid and learning and you’re there to help him. You’re bigger and stronger and even though you think he doesn’t care, it has to be scary for him sometimes being yelled at and chased.
Don’t let him control your mood. You’re the grown up.
My 6 yr old got kind of like this during covid, some things even worse, and me letting go has helped enormously. You can only really control yourself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We have tried time out. He doesn’t respond to it- doesn’t seem to care. When he took the cheese, he runs away laughing and he’s very fast and I (literally) can’t catch him. I let him pick out his clothes and he still doesn’t get dressed. When I yell at him, or when my husband yells at him, he sort of freezes and ignores us. I feel like he’s so difficult that lately i just relent and let him watch tv. I’m out of things to do. The only thing he consistently does it take his shoes off before coming in the house (a rule) but everything else he ignores. He isn’t motivated by rewards and isn’t deterred by time outs. Sometimes he’s great (mainly when not in the house)

You have to be very consistent with time outs and do it nanny style. It may take hours the first few times. You are a problem if you things like relent and let him have tv. You are allowing this behavior and encouraging it. He knows he can behave this way and get away with it.

This is exactly how boys learn to ignore women - and girls. “She says no, but I can do it anyways.” You know where that goes, right?

THIS. This is all I can think about when I read threads like this. You're raising the next Brock Turner with parenting like this. And yes I have a son, and I think a lot about how I can't coddle him because I don't want him going out into the world thinking women exist to cater to him.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Four year old has been good for about a day but then just had a big incident. He jumped on our dog (an old lab- that is a BIG no because the dog is arthritic) so I said that’s a time out. I went to go put him in time out upstairs and of course he runs away and I’m chasing him like a fool. I finally catch up to him and his bites my finger- hard. I grab him and and put him in time out. He falls asleep in the time out. I don’t want him to nap because he’s just transitioning out of naps and will be up all night, so I woke him up. In this circumstance I don’t think he learned anything. What could I have done better?

Where was the time out? It shouldn't be in a place he can fall asleep.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Four year old has been good for about a day but then just had a big incident. He jumped on our dog (an old lab- that is a BIG no because the dog is arthritic) so I said that’s a time out. I went to go put him in time out upstairs and of course he runs away and I’m chasing him like a fool. I finally catch up to him and his bites my finger- hard. I grab him and and put him in time out. He falls asleep in the time out. I don’t want him to nap because he’s just transitioning out of naps and will be up all night, so I woke him up. In this circumstance I don’t think he learned anything. What could I have done better?

Time out should be 4 minutes with an apology. If he bites the time starts over and you do another consequence too like no tv or electronics for the day. He sounds over tired so earlier bed or nap.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Four year old has been good for about a day but then just had a big incident. He jumped on our dog (an old lab- that is a BIG no because the dog is arthritic) so I said that’s a time out. I went to go put him in time out upstairs and of course he runs away and I’m chasing him like a fool. I finally catch up to him and his bites my finger- hard. I grab him and and put him in time out. He falls asleep in the time out. I don’t want him to nap because he’s just transitioning out of naps and will be up all night, so I woke him up. In this circumstance I don’t think he learned anything. What could I have done better?

How long was the time out?? When I was four, time outs were sitting in a designated place for four minutes (one minute for every year of age). In our house it was on the bottom step.

Op here. Four year old has been good for about a day but then just had a big incident. He jumped on our dog (an old lab- that is a BIG no because the dog is arthritic) so I said that’s a time out. I went to go put him in time out upstairs and of course he runs away and I’m chasing him like a fool. I finally catch up to him and his bites my finger- hard. I grab him and and put him in time out. He falls asleep in the time out. I don’t want him to nap because he’s just transitioning out of naps and will be up all night, so I woke him up. In this circumstance I don’t think he learned anything. What could I have done better?

OP the consistent things in all of these responses are
1) you have to have control of your own emotions. Nothing happens because you “lose it” or lash out
2) you’re consistent about the boundaries and consequences through a long and arduous adjustment period. You feel that “nothing works” because you haven’t stuck with a system

I think those consistencies are more important than the actual nuts and bolts of whatever you pick. Lansbury, 1-2-3 magic, randomly harsh “taking away privileges,” big little feelings, etc - they will all work or not work based on 1&2 above. Your problem is that you give up.

Tell him "Use your big boy voice"
And the kid after calming down by itself talks clearly so we can understand. Bad behavior not acceptable. Never enable it.

Teach good manners. Please, thank you, you welcome. Be an example.

Hugs, abrazos