Anonymous wrote:Women should not expect their husbands to pay debts incurred prior to marriage. We aren't chattel and we can pay our own way.

Likewise, men should not expect their wives to work to support them in graduate and professional school.

^ Also if the young lady has an ounce of sense she will leap at OP’s offer with gratitude. Yes it will be annoying to live under the same roof as your ILs for the first two years of marriage, but if it makes you debt free then you do it, barring the ILs being abusive or something. People used to do that all the time (live with parents after marriage until they could save up enough to move it). Probably still do in other countries

Anonymous wrote:I would recommend pre marital counseling where they talk seriously about financial plans. Ie: we will prioritize paying off the student loans so we will each put 20%/40% of our salary towards that and postpone getting house cars baby, etc, until it’s gone.

This is the only good advice on the thread. OP’s son needs to understand the reality of these loan payments and decide if he is okay with them.

People who are saying let her make a dent on it for a few years alone are idiots. How much of a dent will she make on her salary?

I know several spouses who switched careers or decided to go for further education and used marital savings to pay for business school or another grad degree. Maybe their earnings were higher than this young lady, but OTOH, teachers have a lot of flexibility. Maybe OP’s son is okay being in a traditional relationship where he makes the money and his wife is the primary parent. Only premarital counseling will reveal that.

Women should not expect their husbands to pay debts incurred prior to marriage. We aren't chattel and we can pay our own way.

Anonymous wrote:I would not want my child saddled with a partner who comes to the table with $200K plus in loans without the potential income to pay for it. I mean, what is her plan? Guaranteed they'll get married and the next thing you know kids arrive and she suddenly wants to be a stay at home. Prenup that makes her loans her (and her parents' responsibility). I honestly would question this woman's judgement. Is your son's GF willing to have a small courthouse wedding and have mom and dad spend money they might have spent on a wedding on the loan instead? Or is she a princess who is going to want it all and doesn't view HER debt as truly her's to repay? Total Mrs. Degree BTW.
---mother of two, has always worked full time, financially responsible

I don’t think they need a prenup. My understanding is that student loan debt belongs to the individual and doesn’t show up on the balance sheet in a divorce.

I would not want my child saddled with a partner who comes to the table with $200K plus in loans without the potential income to pay for it. I mean, what is her plan? Guaranteed they'll get married and the next thing you know kids arrive and she suddenly wants to be a stay at home. Prenup that makes her loans her (and her parents' responsibility). I honestly would question this woman's judgement. Is your son's GF willing to have a small courthouse wedding and have mom and dad spend money they might have spent on a wedding on the loan instead? Or is she a princess who is going to want it all and doesn't view HER debt as truly her's to repay? Total Mrs. Degree BTW.
---mother of two, has always worked full time, financially responsible

OP here. This is what I originally posted: " He asked me what I would do and I told him that while money isn't everything, it is going to take both of you a long time to pay that off. Are you going to be OK with that?"

In other words, my son asked me what I would do and my response was very neutral. Whatever he decides to do is fine by me. I followed up by saying that if he decided to get married, he and his wife can stay with my wife and I to save money for two years to completely pay off the student loan. They will not have to pay for rent, food, utilities, and we have a very big house. After two years, or whenever they finish paying off the student loan, they can move out and start their future without debt. My wife and I met his GF a few times and we get along with her fine. With a combined 285K pre-tax, they can pay off the loan in less than two years. I am staying out of his personal and private life; however, should he decide to marry his GF, I am giving them an option to pay off the student loan quickly.

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Anonymous wrote:I’d advise your son to wait for another 2 years post gf’s graduation. The huge debt can be an impediment in their ability to become financially stable. Are the 2 in the same page regarding budgeting and expenses? Finances can cause friction in relationships especially if there’s inequality in the debt burden coming in as a married couple. Is your son really okay with that huge debt?

+1. No harm in waiting a few years.

There is harm to the woman whose time you’re wasting. Infertility causes tension in marriage and costs as much as the young woman’s debt to address (if you’re lucky!). OPs son should break up with her so she can find an independent adult to start a family with.

She’s 24 so we’re talking 26. How many DCUMers had children before 26?

Her loans won’t be substantially altered by the time she’s 26. All she will have done is wasted two years in which she could have met someone who is marriage material.

If OP had financial expectations for her son, she needed to communicate those when he started dating, not when he was talking about marriage. All that this has accomplished— if the young couple stays together— is ensuring OP is a despised in law.

You all are teaching. Op offered to let them stay in their home to save money.

So? Is there any reason to think that’s something this young woman wants?

OP should have stuck with his original policy of staying out of his children’s personal lives. This young woman may have a family with views about his son as well— I wonder how OP would feel about them involving themselves?

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Anonymous wrote:I would tell your son not to marry her. If she round up so much debt for an education degree, she’s gonna be milking him and get the hell out.

I have to agree. Bad financial sense gets worse. She is getting a $220,000 masters to take a job making $55,000!

UVA undergrad put her in a position to marry a UVA CS major. That's a much better situation than having no debt, the same job and a degree from Longwood

I would rather have no degree at all than have $220k in student loan debt.

She’s going to be married to a very high earner while she teacher and raises a family. It sounds like she’ll be fine

Yes because we all know marriages at age 25 work out real well.

Are the stats worse than people who marry at 35?

Plenty of desperate aging eggs marriages in 30s, marital fissures in 40s & 50s.
Age is no predictor, personality is baked in the cake before 20. Immature twenty-somethings will be immature sixty-somethings. It is poor finances that affects most people negatively in their 20s.

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Anonymous wrote:I’d advise your son to wait for another 2 years post gf’s graduation. The huge debt can be an impediment in their ability to become financially stable. Are the 2 in the same page regarding budgeting and expenses? Finances can cause friction in relationships especially if there’s inequality in the debt burden coming in as a married couple. Is your son really okay with that huge debt?

+1. No harm in waiting a few years.

There is harm to the woman whose time you’re wasting. Infertility causes tension in marriage and costs as much as the young woman’s debt to address (if you’re lucky!). OPs son should break up with her so she can find an independent adult to start a family with.

She’s 24 so we’re talking 26. How many DCUMers had children before 26?

Her loans won’t be substantially altered by the time she’s 26. All she will have done is wasted two years in which she could have met someone who is marriage material.

If OP had financial expectations for her son, she needed to communicate those when he started dating, not when he was talking about marriage. All that this has accomplished— if the young couple stays together— is ensuring OP is a despised in law.

You all are teaching. Op offered to let them stay in their home to save money.

*reaching

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Anonymous wrote:I’d advise your son to wait for another 2 years post gf’s graduation. The huge debt can be an impediment in their ability to become financially stable. Are the 2 in the same page regarding budgeting and expenses? Finances can cause friction in relationships especially if there’s inequality in the debt burden coming in as a married couple. Is your son really okay with that huge debt?

+1. No harm in waiting a few years.

There is harm to the woman whose time you’re wasting. Infertility causes tension in marriage and costs as much as the young woman’s debt to address (if you’re lucky!). OPs son should break up with her so she can find an independent adult to start a family with.

She’s 24 so we’re talking 26. How many DCUMers had children before 26?

Her loans won’t be substantially altered by the time she’s 26. All she will have done is wasted two years in which she could have met someone who is marriage material.

If OP had financial expectations for her son, she needed to communicate those when he started dating, not when he was talking about marriage. All that this has accomplished— if the young couple stays together— is ensuring OP is a despised in law.

You all are teaching. Op offered to let them stay in their home to save money.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d advise your son to wait for another 2 years post gf’s graduation. The huge debt can be an impediment in their ability to become financially stable. Are the 2 in the same page regarding budgeting and expenses? Finances can cause friction in relationships especially if there’s inequality in the debt burden coming in as a married couple. Is your son really okay with that huge debt?

+1. No harm in waiting a few years.

There is harm to the woman whose time you’re wasting. Infertility causes tension in marriage and costs as much as the young woman’s debt to address (if you’re lucky!). OPs son should break up with her so she can find an independent adult to start a family with.

She’s 24 so we’re talking 26. How many DCUMers had children before 26?

Her loans won’t be substantially altered by the time she’s 26. All she will have done is wasted two years in which she could have met someone who is marriage material.

If OP had financial expectations for her son, she needed to communicate those when he started dating, not when he was talking about marriage. All that this has accomplished— if the young couple stays together— is ensuring OP is a despised in law.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d advise your son to wait for another 2 years post gf’s graduation. The huge debt can be an impediment in their ability to become financially stable. Are the 2 in the same page regarding budgeting and expenses? Finances can cause friction in relationships especially if there’s inequality in the debt burden coming in as a married couple. Is your son really okay with that huge debt?

+1. No harm in waiting a few years.

There is harm to the woman whose time you’re wasting. Infertility causes tension in marriage and costs as much as the young woman’s debt to address (if you’re lucky!). OPs son should break up with her so she can find an independent adult to start a family with.

Brunch lady???

Op, your offer of having them live with you is generous and actually a fine idea if you have space and a good relationship with your future DIL. Having her entire salary plus part of your son's going towards the loans will have most of them paid off in that time, or at least make them manageable--in the 30k range. They can move out into a modest apartment and save for a house after that with her paycheck paying them off. The career advice I would give her is she should look at instructional design and EdTech or a parallel field because being a teacher has terrible hours--she won't be home unless she is sleeping the first three years. If she is in EdTech she at least will work 9-5 and make a better salary.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d advise your son to wait for another 2 years post gf’s graduation. The huge debt can be an impediment in their ability to become financially stable. Are the 2 in the same page regarding budgeting and expenses? Finances can cause friction in relationships especially if there’s inequality in the debt burden coming in as a married couple. Is your son really okay with that huge debt?

+1. No harm in waiting a few years.

There is harm to the woman whose time you’re wasting. Infertility causes tension in marriage and costs as much as the young woman’s debt to address (if you’re lucky!). OPs son should break up with her so she can find an independent adult to start a family with.

She’s 24 so we’re talking 26. How many DCUMers had children before 26?