Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you need to give a gift? In my circles, adults don’t usually get actual gifts (maybe parents, but not siblings or other their relatives). If we go out on their birthday, that’s a gift, so maybe you can use the gift $ towards the cost of the dinner.

Good point. I will reduce the gift. I had planned to give $75 but will give $50 as the gift instead and use the rest for dinner. $125 is my limit for the evening. Hopefully, that will be enough to cover either scenario of bill splitting.

I think this is a good plan OP. I think that you can also ask the host (if it's not the birthday relative) to get more information.

All the people telling you not to attend because you have a budget never experienced any financial challenges or may have had problems with family moochers (or insensitive family members) in the past. If it is a close relative and want to go talk with the organizer and adjust the gift to food budget ratio as you mentioned.

The party isn't strangers or random friends, it's family. I'm sure there is a way to work with your family and your budget so you can go.

But OP needs to be upfront with the host about what she can pay. Saying you are going to put in X amount isn’t really fair to the other people involved. DH and I have been the people that made up the short fall on more than one occasion.

It sucks to pay for stuff you didn’t eat or drink, but it also sucks to pay 40% of a bill that was supposed to be split 8 ways because “you didn’t share the apps” or “I only had one glass of wine”. A large group dinner isn’t the place for that. Sorry.

If I were hosting a gathering like this, I'd much rather pay 40% of the bill than exclude friends or relatives who are much less affluent and otherwise couldn't afford to attend. Also, it seems controlling for the host to order a bunch of appetizers and drinks "for the table", and then expect everyone else to pay up, regardless of whether they wanted the appetizers or even could eat the appetizers. In this day and age, so many people have food restrictions, are on diets, or have varying degrees of discretionary income. It's beyond tacky to host an event, order a bunch of things that disregard people's meal restrictions and/or budget, and then expect them to pay for that. You don't get to play the role of the lavish host if you're not footing the bill.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you need to give a gift? In my circles, adults don’t usually get actual gifts (maybe parents, but not siblings or other their relatives). If we go out on their birthday, that’s a gift, so maybe you can use the gift $ towards the cost of the dinner.

Good point. I will reduce the gift. I had planned to give $75 but will give $50 as the gift instead and use the rest for dinner. $125 is my limit for the evening. Hopefully, that will be enough to cover either scenario of bill splitting.

I think this is a good plan OP. I think that you can also ask the host (if it's not the birthday relative) to get more information.

All the people telling you not to attend because you have a budget never experienced any financial challenges or may have had problems with family moochers (or insensitive family members) in the past. If it is a close relative and want to go talk with the organizer and adjust the gift to food budget ratio as you mentioned.

The party isn't strangers or random friends, it's family. I'm sure there is a way to work with your family and your budget so you can go.

But OP needs to be upfront with the host about what she can pay. Saying you are going to put in X amount isn’t really fair to the other people involved. DH and I have been the people that made up the short fall on more than one occasion.

It sucks to pay for stuff you didn’t eat or drink, but it also sucks to pay 40% of a bill that was supposed to be split 8 ways because “you didn’t share the apps” or “I only had one glass of wine”. A large group dinner isn’t the place for that. Sorry.

No. I wouldn't ask. I would just not attend if I couldn't afford to split the bill evenly. I think asking would be crass.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Asking the host how the bill will be handled is fine, of course, but asking the waiter for 8 separate checks + birthday person's check split 8 ways and added to those checks is a PITA. Splitting evenly among guests makes more sense, even if it is unfair for the person who drinks a glass of wine and then looks on like a hawk when another guest has 2 glasses of wine and - gasp! - a cocktail.

PP here. I'm usually on the cheap end of the food ordering as I almost never order a meat or fish main course, however I do like both wine and cocktails. I don't expect anyone to 'subsidize' my meal and actually prefer to split according to spend. But the splitting should be done by the dinner party (easiest - people calculate their share off the common bill and everybody pays their part + tip in cash), not by the server.

On this front, I agree. It's so trivially easy for everyone to figure out what they owe, especially since everyone is carrying around a phone/calculator, that I cannot fathom why people insist in splitting the bill evenly. Either they're trying to mooch or they're really bad at math. There's no reason to burden the server at all, since you can either pay cash or have one friend use a credit card, and everyone else can venmo their share.

This shouldn’t be hard, but there’s always the person who orders the $28 entree and tries to throw in $30 without regard to tax, tip, or partaking in the apps and wine for the table.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you need to give a gift? In my circles, adults don’t usually get actual gifts (maybe parents, but not siblings or other their relatives). If we go out on their birthday, that’s a gift, so maybe you can use the gift $ towards the cost of the dinner.

Good point. I will reduce the gift. I had planned to give $75 but will give $50 as the gift instead and use the rest for dinner. $125 is my limit for the evening. Hopefully, that will be enough to cover either scenario of bill splitting.

I think this is a good plan OP. I think that you can also ask the host (if it's not the birthday relative) to get more information.

All the people telling you not to attend because you have a budget never experienced any financial challenges or may have had problems with family moochers (or insensitive family members) in the past. If it is a close relative and want to go talk with the organizer and adjust the gift to food budget ratio as you mentioned.

The party isn't strangers or random friends, it's family. I'm sure there is a way to work with your family and your budget so you can go.

OP, I'm split here (no pun intended). I've BTDT. Still remember three loaded mid-20s folks announcing we will split the bill when I had carefully ordered the least expensive entrée as my significant other had been out of work for 6 months and was not contributing to household expenses at the time. I had also grown up working class so dinner checks were always divvied by each's expenses while these young women had grown up in affluent homes and graduated college/law school with no student loan debt. And they were all labor lawyers representing the little guys. Yeah right.

OTOH, I know some folks who are so rigid about their expenses, even if their budget permits greater leeway. They exhibit little to no flexibility and insist all plans happen on their terms.

OP, GL - try to make it happen, even if that means calling in advance.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You shouldn't go. You are too uptight and too cheap to go to any sort of group dinner.

The guest of honor who planned the party and is possibly going to have their guess pay their own way is the only cheap person in this scenario.

Yes. It's great-grandma's 100th birthday and all the grandchildren want to take her out to her favorite restaurant for dinner.

She is the cheap one for not picking up the tab.

You guys are nuts

That would be nuts. But this is a celebration being organized by the person who's having a birthday and expects to be treated. They're not being "taken out" except in terms of who funds this.

I know this concept of someone deciding where people are going to be footing the bill for them has been around for decades, but I still think it's bad form to spend other people's money. If everyone wants to take the birthday boy somewhere, great! Plan it and pay for it. If the birthday girl wants to go someplace in particular for her birthday, with her friends, great! She can invite as many as she can pay for. But summoning people and demanding that they open their wallets for you is gross. Have a freaking potluck so the underpaid and the trust funded can all afford to celebrate.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You shouldn't go. You are too uptight and too cheap to go to any sort of group dinner.

The guest of honor who planned the party and is possibly going to have their guess pay their own way is the only cheap person in this scenario.

Yes. It's great-grandma's 100th birthday and all the grandchildren want to take her out to her favorite restaurant for dinner.

She is the cheap one for not picking up the tab.

You guys are nuts

Anonymous wrote:I'm one of the people who orders wine, appetizers, and dessert at celebratory dinners out. I'm always the first to suggest separate checks or if it's an even split, I'm always offering to throw in more. I wouldn't dream of expecting my friends to subsidize my meal!

That’s great, I’m sometimes like this too. But on a few occasions I’ve had meals with people who order multiple bottles of expensive wine, multiple sides and appetizers and expensive entrees, and then I’ve had to split the bill. Ohhh I feel such regret at not getting separate bills

You shouldn't go. You are too uptight and too cheap to go to any sort of group dinner.

You are rude with no manners.

Anonymous wrote:

Asking the host how the bill will be handled is fine, of course, but asking the waiter for 8 separate checks + birthday person's check split 8 ways and added to those checks is a PITA. Splitting evenly among guests makes more sense, even if it is unfair for the person who drinks a glass of wine and then looks on like a hawk when another guest has 2 glasses of wine and - gasp! - a cocktail.

PP here. I'm usually on the cheap end of the food ordering as I almost never order a meat or fish main course, however I do like both wine and cocktails. I don't expect anyone to 'subsidize' my meal and actually prefer to split according to spend. But the splitting should be done by the dinner party (easiest - people calculate their share off the common bill and everybody pays their part + tip in cash), not by the server.

On this front, I agree. It's so trivially easy for everyone to figure out what they owe, especially since everyone is carrying around a phone/calculator, that I cannot fathom why people insist in splitting the bill evenly. Either they're trying to mooch or they're really bad at math. There's no reason to burden the server at all, since you can either pay cash or have one friend use a credit card, and everyone else can venmo their share.

Asking the host how the bill will be handled is fine, of course, but asking the waiter for 8 separate checks + birthday person's check split 8 ways and added to those checks is a PITA. Splitting evenly among guests makes more sense, even if it is unfair for the person who drinks a glass of wine and then looks on like a hawk when another guest has 2 glasses of wine and - gasp! - a cocktail.

PP here. I'm usually on the cheap end of the food ordering as I almost never order a meat or fish main course, however I do like both wine and cocktails. I don't expect anyone to 'subsidize' my meal and actually prefer to split according to spend. But the splitting should be done by the dinner party (easiest - people calculate their share off the common bill and everybody pays their part + tip in cash), not by the server.

Oh come on. The problem is not the OP, who is on a budget and doesn't want to subsidize everyone else's meals. The problem is the people (like you, perhaps), who understand that the bill will be split and then proceed to order several appetizers, the lobster, and tons of drinks. The non-drinker who orders the salad shouldn't have to contribute absurd amounts of money to subsidize your excesses. The non drinking vegetarians like me always get shafted by the gluttons like you who are looking for a free ride.

PP here. Didn't jump into assumptions there, did you?

Anonymous wrote:I'm one of the people who orders wine, appetizers, and dessert at celebratory dinners out. I'm always the first to suggest separate checks or if it's an even split, I'm always offering to throw in more. I wouldn't dream of expecting my friends to subsidize my meal!

You are a rarity. Usually, the person running up the bill the most is the one who is most insistent on splitting the bill evenly, because "it's easier."

Back in the day, before carrying phones with built in calculators was a thing, my friend group had no problem with figuring out what we owed and tossing the right amount of cash on the table. It's baffling that people find it so impossible to do so now.

The money uncertainties drain any potential enjoyment. Send your regrets and stay home.