Anonymous
01/14/2023 13:16
Subject: Re:Both my husband and I have no friends
Anonymous wrote:OP: You wrote that you were not from here and that neither you nor your husband drink alcohol. This combination may make others uncomfortable around you & your husband. Due to cultural differences & non-drinking status, others may feel that you are judging them.
Are you comfortable sharing were you are from originally ? (My guess is India.)
Really? Sorry to say then this is one utterly lame-ass Indian who does not have a vast Indian social circle.
There is no place in DMV where you will not have Indians around you - all the time. And each Indian will have 1001 interest groups they are part of - Yoga, Gym, Religious groups, Poetry, Calligraphy, Theatre, Karaoke, Cricket, Tennis, Badminton, Carom, Trekking, Photography, Dance, Volunteer Groups, Spelling Bee, Geography Bee, Science Olympiads, Carnatic Music, Classical Music, Various Classical Dances, Bollywood Dance, Swimming, Golf, Poker, Chess, Lunch Clubs, Kitty/Committees, Travel Groups, Podcasts, Blogging, Writing, Tutoring, Social media, Clothes and Fashion, Charity, Cinema, Line Dancing, Cards, Cooking, Gardening, Stock market... Our homes are designed to entertain and host big and small events.
And Indians will reciprocate rather quickly if you invite them for a meal.
Anonymous
01/14/2023 13:14
Subject: Both my husband and I have no friends
Anonymous wrote:Also the way you talk about men as if the only things other husbands like are beer, men, cars, sports is so one -dimensional/stereotypical. Does DH seriously think that is what men only like? People are a lot more interesting than that. Honestly, your DH sounds like he is full of himself.
+1 And OP has mentioned several times about their high emotional intelligence. I don't think they have a ton of self awareness.
Anonymous
01/14/2023 13:06
Subject: Both my husband and I have no friends
Anonymous wrote:What happened to your friends from college and grad school?
We’re moving soon and I blasted all my friends and acquaintances for new people and family intros in the city where we are relocating too. It’s hopefully a good start.
We also plan to recreate all our communities again there a church group, sports teams for kids, arts classes, car pool friends. It takes work but can be done. I had to do it before Covid and then another round after two years of shutdown… maybe DC area is more transient so people are amenable to it. Hope our. We place is too…
Anonymous
01/14/2023 13:04
Subject: Re:Both my husband and I have no friends
How were you raised? Did you see your parents entertaining and hosting a lot? Were you invited to a lot of dos? We have a large social circle and some close friends. I like to have people over. Most people will attend but never reciprocate and that is a-ok.
For me to host people I need to put aside time, effort and resources. Hosting also requires a mindset and skillset. It is a culmination how functional your marriage, family life, finances, social upbringing, health, household, network, social status and organizing ability is. There is a reason that the rich will hire party organizers and caterers to host their parties, because it is time consuming.
We do not care if people do not reciprocate because most people are not capable of reciprocating. They are short of money, time, have other priorities, cannot cook, cannot clean, are busy with work, are depressed, have a small house, do not have the infrastructure, are low energy or are not socialized for entertaining. We are grateful that people can take the time to come for our events. Are you capable of being the person who hosts potlucks or low cost pizza parties? Would you be ok hosting a tea party or a book club? And would you be ok if you never get invited back?
For me to host people I need to put aside time, effort and resources. Hosting also requires a mindset and skillset. It is a culmination how functional your marriage, family life, finances, social upbringing, health, household, network, social status and organizing ability is. There is a reason that the rich will hire party organizers and caterers to host their parties, because it is time consuming.
We do not care if people do not reciprocate because most people are not capable of reciprocating. They are short of money, time, have other priorities, cannot cook, cannot clean, are busy with work, are depressed, have a small house, do not have the infrastructure, are low energy or are not socialized for entertaining. We are grateful that people can take the time to come for our events. Are you capable of being the person who hosts potlucks or low cost pizza parties? Would you be ok hosting a tea party or a book club? And would you be ok if you never get invited back?
Anonymous
01/14/2023 12:44
Subject: Re:Both my husband and I have no friends
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP: You wrote that you were not from here and that neither you nor your husband drink alcohol. This combination may make others uncomfortable around you & your husband. Due to cultural differences & non-drinking status, others may feel that you are judging them.
Are you comfortable sharing were you are from originally ? (My guess is India.)
Bullshit. People really don't care that much about drinking.
Why are you angry ?
And, yes, if going out for drinks to loosen up, many might feel uncomfortable in the company of a non-drinker from a different culture.
Husband is upset that co-workers don't invite him to social gatherings in his presence.
Anonymous
01/14/2023 12:39
Subject: Re:Both my husband and I have no friends
Anonymous wrote:OP: You wrote that you were not from here and that neither you nor your husband drink alcohol. This combination may make others uncomfortable around you & your husband. Due to cultural differences & non-drinking status, others may feel that you are judging them.
Are you comfortable sharing were you are from originally ? (My guess is India.)
Bullshit. People really don't care that much about drinking.
Anonymous
01/14/2023 12:38
Subject: Both my husband and I have no friends
Also the way you talk about men as if the only things other husbands like are beer, men, cars, sports is so one -dimensional/stereotypical. Does DH seriously think that is what men only like? People are a lot more interesting than that. Honestly, your DH sounds like he is full of himself.
Anonymous
01/14/2023 12:36
Subject: Re:Both my husband and I have no friends
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all your responses, they are very helpful.
My husband is a very chatty, highly emotionally intelligent, thoughtful guy. However he doesn't drink and in general he does not connect with men easily because he doesn't have traditionally male interests. He is in a very high-powered job where he is very respected professionally. And he loves his job (but it's rare to find another guy who is in a similar field). But outside of work he doesn't drink, doesn't like beer, cars, exercise, or sports. So he doesn't have a lot to talk to men about. He has never watched a sports game and has no interest in cars. He does like home improvement however. He often complains that when he talks to other dad at the kids' sports that he has nothing much to contribute to the conversation or complains that the other dads don't ask him questions about himself, because he feels like he shows a lot of interest and asks them questions.
As for me, I am also a great conversationalist and highly emotionally intelligent. I also do have traditionally female interests and I feel that I connect easily with other ladies. I have started social groups (like the neighborhood book club), joined church committees, and taken fun classes (yoga) in the years since we moved here. I invite people all the time to meet up--at least 3-4 times per month. I'd say they accept about half the time. When we do meet up for coffee usually, I usually have one "first date" with these new potential friends and then I don't hear from them again. However if I reach out to them they will meet up a second time. That's the pattern I usually find--people are fine with hanging out with me if I put in all the effort and arrange something, but no one invites me or him to do anything, and never invites us as a family to do anything.
I don't think there's anything specific about us that turns people off. We're both trim and fit, normal weight, don't smell, and have good personal hygiene.
Pre-Covid we entertained a ton. We always had an annual Halloween party, 4th of July BBQ, etc. But we stopped doing all that when Covid started and it made us realize that it was a ton of work and no one ever reciprocated, so we haven't gotten back into it.
We do have family but none of them are local and the closest family is a 10 hour drive. We are not very close with our families but that's not our choice, it's theirs.
For our wedding, we ended up eloping because DH didn't want to invite his family (very dysfunctional) and my family didn't care about coming to a wedding and encouraged us to elope. DH had no friends he wanted to invite and my college/grad school friends were all over and I didn't feel that they needed to be at our wedding. I still keep in touch with them occasionally by email/text, but I only see them at reunions and they don't live far away in other states.
When we first moved to the area, we were in our 20s, didn't know a single person here, and were the only married couple when we joined 20's meetup type groups, so people weren't that interested in getting to know us. We never made any friends. Then when we bought a SFH house, we were the only DINKs in our neighborhood full of families, and people weren't that interested in getting to know us, so we didn't make any friends in the neighborhood (and are still in the same neighborhood and stil have no friends). Then we had kids and I did have more success joining mom groups and making some mom acquaintanes, but these friendships didn't last when everyone went to preschool. Then we made acquaintances in preschool, but once preschool was over, those relationships didn't last as people went to different Kindergartens. Now I'm finding it very difficult to find mom friends in elementary school.
OP, something doesn't add up. How can your husband be trim and fit if your DH doesn't like exercise? Also, major red flag that you've never felt a spark with a friend. In your whole life? Did you feel a spark with DH? Even when you were a little and found a friend who also the same thing (horses, butterflies, dolls?)
Your therapist is right in that you are making the effort.
Anonymous
01/14/2023 12:32
Subject: Re:Both my husband and I have no friends
OP: You wrote that you were not from here and that neither you nor your husband drink alcohol. This combination may make others uncomfortable around you & your husband. Due to cultural differences & non-drinking status, others may feel that you are judging them.
Are you comfortable sharing were you are from originally ? (My guess is India.)
Are you comfortable sharing were you are from originally ? (My guess is India.)
Anonymous
01/14/2023 12:32
Subject: Re:Both my husband and I have no friends
Anonymous wrote:I think all of this is more common than you realize.
Yes, and I think everybody is passively waiting for friends to initiate with them rather than them being the one initiating. Also, unless you kept a tight-knit circle from the young school-day ages where you had infinite free time to adventure together, people need to adjust their expectations of what friendships should look like.
It is a long, excruciatingly slow labor of love to build up that level. I’m working on that now since relocating. It helps me to look at it as putting down new roots. It will take years, but in the end it will bear a lovely tree.
Anonymous
01/14/2023 12:27
Subject: Both my husband and I have no friends
Anonymous wrote:There are lots of posts on here about people being socially lazy and not initiating social contact or hosting. If you like the people, keep asking. It doesn’t mean they aren’t friends though if it really bothers you, you could make a light hint. People are busy, awkward, etc. and the pandemic just made things worse.
I agree with this. I'm introverted and also never feel as though I have a lot of spare time for socializing, but I've become friends with people that persisted. One of my closest friends is someone that just kept trying. I joke that she insisted on being my friend. Also, consider that you may not need a lot of friends. My husband doesn't want to spend what little spare time he has with people other than me and family. I take this as a compliment. My friendships have changed about every 7-10 years. I do have a few that I consider life-long, but we don't talk on a daily basis. After watching my mother lose all her close friendships after my father passed away and then being ghosted by a friend I'd known since childhood, I realized family is what really matters. Friendships, for the most part are going to come and go.
Anonymous
01/14/2023 12:22
Subject: Re:Both my husband and I have no friends
OP here. Our social circle definitely shrunk during the pandemic, though I don't think I'd even call it a social circle--it was a few moms from preschool that I'd do playdates with occasionally, but we lost touch during the pandemic. I realized that they probably weren't even real friends since we went three years without seeing each other. Or rather I tried to keep in touch but they didn't seem interested so I stopped reaching out and they never reached back out. I always seem to be the person who no one ever really thinks about contacting.
I think about moving often, but DH doesn't want to do it and says that there's no guarantee we would make friends or things would be better socially for us in a new place. I do think he's right about that. But I realized recently that if we did move, there's no one I would even miss, since we never really made friends here and have zero community or village here. That's pretty sad after living in a new place for over 15 years.
We're not going to move to the places where our families are, for various reasons. So I think we're stuck here until the kids go to college, but this area has never felt like home to me since we have no community or village here. I don't know how to make it feel more like home. After the kids go to college we plan to retire somewhere else.
I think about moving often, but DH doesn't want to do it and says that there's no guarantee we would make friends or things would be better socially for us in a new place. I do think he's right about that. But I realized recently that if we did move, there's no one I would even miss, since we never really made friends here and have zero community or village here. That's pretty sad after living in a new place for over 15 years.
We're not going to move to the places where our families are, for various reasons. So I think we're stuck here until the kids go to college, but this area has never felt like home to me since we have no community or village here. I don't know how to make it feel more like home. After the kids go to college we plan to retire somewhere else.
Anonymous
01/14/2023 12:21
Subject: Re:Both my husband and I have no friends
I think all of this is more common than you realize.
Anonymous
01/14/2023 11:25
Subject: Re:Both my husband and I have no friends
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Well I join a lot of meetup groups for newcomers (even though I'm not a newcomer). This makes it easier to find friends as everyone there wants to make friends. At the events, I casually chat with other women to see who I have things in common with. And if I chat with someone who seems nice and I do have things in common with, I extend an invitation for coffee, get their number, and set it up.
But I don't know if I've ever felt a "spark" with another potential friend--yes, definitely later when I get to know them but not initially. I wouldn't even know what that felt like.
IME, the bolded is the issue. I meet plenty of people who seem nice and with whom I have things in common. If I don’t feel that click, I don’t pursue beyond casual friendship. Now, deeper friendship can evolve over time, but IME there are definitely friends with whom I’ve felt an instant connection. Carolyn Hax once described it in dating as “easy, crackly conversation” and that’s exactly it. Those are the ones to pursue as friends. It’s a combination of connection and mutual desire to have a new friend.
Have you ever felt it? When you were dating, even? It requires you to be far more selective with friends than most people realize you need to be, but I’ve found it usually pans out.
Anonymous
01/14/2023 11:19
Subject: Both my husband and I have no friends
I’ll say it again- I think you give off desperation and people are uncomfortable with that. I also think you’re not as emotionally intelligent as you think you are.