Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My niece was exactly like OP's DD. She got C's and D's in high school and was not motivated. My brother sent her to Siberia to live with relatives for one year. When she came back to the US, she became a very good student, ended up at UVA, graduated and had a very good job. It is amazing what living in Siberia's harsh condition can do to your psyche.

Wow, what a helpful response! OP - have you tried sending your daughter to live with relatives in Siberia?

Maybe something like Peace Corp would be good for your child OP. Give them some time to mature and see less fortunate people.

Are you for real? She has as much of a chance of transferring to Harvard than getting into the Peace Corps. What an ignorant suggestion.

This child is just not ready for college. Pulled Ds and Fs in 2 schools! She's working, so she should just go work full time until she is mentally ready to T-R-Y in college. Obviously, she isn't mature enough to do that right now.

I know of young adults who were having difficulty finding their way before or after college who have been well served by doing some time in AmeriCorps. That’s an alternative to trade school, military, or low wage job. If you want to discuss with her the various options she has at this stage, it may be worth including it as one.
https://americorps.gov/serve/americorps

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't give up on your parental responsibilities just because you don't like what's happening. No one said being a parent was easy but, nevertheless, it's your responsibility to take care of her.

But she's an adult. What if she's still like this at 26? Am I obligated to have her live with us forever?

No, but if you have been down this road with adhd diagnosis, executive functioning, etc. you know that kids with adhd mature slower. So, she will get there but just later. It could be 23-26!

I understand your frustration but you have many options:

If money not an issue then look at schools that have strong support systems for adhd students. Marshall University comes to mind but there are others.
Consider a 2- yr college that focuses on these issues. I cannot remember name but I heard of one in Oregon and Massachusetts- I think.

Sit down as a family or with a therapist and brainstorm other ideas- nanny, americorps, any part time job
Ask about a trade - hair stylist, pastry chef, florist, electrician
Ask about a certificate- web design, programming

Simply say…you can take a gap year but must work 30 hrs a week at target, chick fil a, whatever and cut grass,make dinner 2x a week.

You have many options here. Be annoyed but as someone said earlier you don’t get to ( or should not) just stop parenting at 19. She needs your guidance.

I have a similar one. All those options discussed. they decided all paid college not so bad. Chose major they could handle, graduated in 4 yrs. We leveraged contacts for internships and first job as they were clueless. They needed/still need guidance.

Fortunately They want to launch and will soon ( now 23) but it takes work. The frustration, annoyance, and work we have done though is yielding results. They will launch and have an ok life. If we had given up at 19 they likely would have always struggled and kept circling back. Do the work now with your dc and you should see results in a few years.

We absolutely got/ get frustrated but they did not chose to be born with this. My spouse had no idea what their issues had always been until we had dc. Then when diagnosed it was like a lightbulb of ..” oh, this is why xyz has always been hard, why I always felt like x.” I don’t understand as I do not have and am very high- functioning but this is a real thing and if one does not have support it would be a disaster.

Again, I know it’s hard. I really do but as my dh always said “ what do we hope/want for the 30 yr old larla/ larlo.” Keep your eye on the long game. Hugs.

Anonymous wrote:The best thing my mom ever did for me was give me an ultimatum: Be in school fulltime by August or move out on my own. There are plenty of ways your daughter could support herself but if she can live in your house, there is no incentive. In the end, I joined the Army. I was the most unlikely soldier but it gave me the time and structure to grow up and figure out what I wanted for my life. After my 4 year commitment was over, I went to University and grad school and my life was launched.

I know several kids who went this route, and they did decently well out of the military. Some 18 yr olds need more structure but don't do well in school.

Vocational training and the military (which is like vocational training) are great options.

My brother went this route, too. Then went to community college when they came back, then to a public ivy.

There is actually a shortage of workers in certain industries.

Do you pay for her car insurance? Her cell phone bills? Food?

The more drastic thing is to move yourself, sell or rent your place. She'll be forced to figure it out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has she ever been screened for ADHD or learning disorders?

Yes, She does not have any learning disorders, she did qualify for adhd - inattentive, and has been medicated for a couple of years.

Clearly her medication isn’t working. When is the last time her doctor adjusted it? Has she gotten any executive function coaching?

Yes, we have spent thousands on executive function coaching. Didn't work.

The more you post, the uglier this is getting. I realize that you may be keeping your posts terse because providing any detail around here is offering yourself up for ritual humiliation on an increasing number of particulars, but really OP--you sound like you DGAF and never did.

Uh gee maybe because everyone is just trying to attack Op. Advice is often “go get executive function coaching”. Op did. Nothing she said is terrible or deserve your response.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has she ever been screened for ADHD or learning disorders?

Yes, She does not have any learning disorders, she did qualify for adhd - inattentive, and has been medicated for a couple of years.

Clearly her medication isn’t working. When is the last time her doctor adjusted it? Has she gotten any executive function coaching?

Yes, we have spent thousands on executive function coaching. Didn't work.

The more you post, the uglier this is getting. I realize that you may be keeping your posts terse because providing any detail around here is offering yourself up for ritual humiliation on an increasing number of particulars, but really OP--you sound like you DGAF and never did.

I'm sorry your daughter isn't launching perfectly when still a teenager during extremely difficult times. While legally you can throw your hands up and say you're done, it's a pretty shitty thing to do.
What you do is keep trying to help her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So... has her severe ADHD ever been assessed and treated, OP?

Because you use a lot of judgmental words to describe something that sounds like textbook ADHD - which is a mental health disorder, a brain difference where neurotransmitters are dysregulated and can't fire at the right time and in the right quantities. It's not in her control to stop procrastinating if she has ADHD and is not medicated.

If all this is managed optimally, then you should have said so right from the start, because it really screams out from your post.

She is medicated.

By a neuropsych? And if so, does s/he know how things are going?

Because she is not effectively medicated going by results.

Medication isn’t a 100% fix.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So... has her severe ADHD ever been assessed and treated, OP?

Because you use a lot of judgmental words to describe something that sounds like textbook ADHD - which is a mental health disorder, a brain difference where neurotransmitters are dysregulated and can't fire at the right time and in the right quantities. It's not in her control to stop procrastinating if she has ADHD and is not medicated.

If all this is managed optimally, then you should have said so right from the start, because it really screams out from your post.

She is medicated.

By a neuropsych? And if so, does s/he know how things are going?

Because she is not effectively medicated going by results.

Anonymous wrote:She's had tons of executive function coaching, is medicated for ADHD, and all of it just "doesn't work"?

What that sounds like to me is a lack of parenting, and I am generally not a person to say it's a lack of parenting. The things you've done before got her through high school and into college, but it's clear that they did not build any skills to manage on her own. You need to have clear goals and requirements. Job for XYZ hours by X date, contribute $XXX/mo to "pay rent" on her room, which can be saved for actual rent later if OP doesn't need it for something else. If you are trying college again, having expectations about it is reasonable, but the expectations need to be geared toward her developing skills, not just getting through a class or a semester or a degree.

I am not OP but give me a break. Why is everything blame the parent now? Does the child bear any responsibility? Of course they do.
I have a similar child. I have three other children that I also parented that have had no issues. Please try to “manage” a 19 year old’s studies when you can’t even have access to their grades unless they allow you to. Good parenting is not just shrugging and saying “oh take as long as you need to graduate”. In our household I’m paying four year of undergrad for four kids. If they can’t figure it out, then they can pay the rest. Kids have no personal responsibility anymore. I think what the Siberia poster was hinting at is Affluenza.

consider alternate paths like trade school. Actually knew a young woman in construction management who was making very good money. Maybe she needs something more hands on.

She could try to get a job waitressing. Lots of ADHD’ers in the restaurant industry (ask me how I know!)

She's had tons of executive function coaching, is medicated for ADHD, and all of it just "doesn't work"?

What that sounds like to me is a lack of parenting, and I am generally not a person to say it's a lack of parenting. The things you've done before got her through high school and into college, but it's clear that they did not build any skills to manage on her own. You need to have clear goals and requirements. Job for XYZ hours by X date, contribute $XXX/mo to "pay rent" on her room, which can be saved for actual rent later if OP doesn't need it for something else. If you are trying college again, having expectations about it is reasonable, but the expectations need to be geared toward her developing skills, not just getting through a class or a semester or a degree.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had my son take 2 classes at a time and work until he got the hang of it.

He’s also working with a therapist for executive functioning, etc.

I think your kind of giving up at the goal line.

Which goal line ? There are two.

You don’t just give up at 19 when you’re clearly planned to support her for 4 years of college. Just because it didn’t work out exactly as planned doesn’t mean you give up

Sounds like the OP has done college and a 2nd plan. At what point do you give up on college? 4 years because that’s what you committed to? What is failing four years of college going to accomplish? Time to find a new plan and pivot.

I think people don’t understand the majority of kids don’t graduate in 4 years. I know a ton of successful people that took 5, 6, 8, years to graduate.

You try college, then community college, then part time, then job training that is not college.

Call the community college counselor and ask for advice.

I’d double down on counseling and tutoring.

You don’t punt in the red zone.