Anonymous wrote:Next time she is injured or ill — and at their ages there is always a next time — he should be sure to insist on the same level of independence. Goose, gander and all that.

Anonymous wrote:

My FIL, 89, has been in a committed long term relationship with a woman his age for close to twenty years. They have kept their finances separate and maintain separate homes in the same town, splitting between both, although recently FIL has been staying primarily at her place and going to his place every day as if it’s an office. They have had an active life together: travel, book clubs, concerts, visits and holidays with children from both families. She additionally is a dedicated musician, has been deeply involved as a board member in a local organization. They are both quite cerebral and opinionated, and all the children agree that they have been really good for each other over the years. Her health has been generally good for her 85+ age, and FIL nursed her through hip and knee replacements. He has prostate cancer (under treatment) and finally got hearing aids.

Well a week ago FIL slipped on some ice and badly broke his arm, landing in the hospital. DH flew across the country to be with his father. FIL fully expects to go back to her home, where they’ve primarily been living, when he’s released, but his partner has told my husband that she doesn’ t want him to return there; she wants him to convalesce at his place. When pressed, she said their relationship is based on a certain amount of distance and independence between them and she doesn’t want that to change. I get it, they’re not married, but I’m kind of gobsmacked. If roles were reversed I am sure he would be there for her.

I think your DH will figure this out when he is there. Since they live across the country it is rather hard for you to judge what the situation is. I think that the fact that he started staying at his partner's house more really suggests that his health is declining and that his partner is well aware of this. She knows the kind of care he likely needs and she is too old to provide it. Your FIL could be "on the way out". Those kind of accidents very often happen close to the end.

As for her knee and hip replacements, those kinds of things are done while a person is relatively healthy. Doctors will not perform them on people who are not likely to recover within a short period of time (which she apparently did). It's a far cry from helping someone who is 89 and probably has many health issues besides the broken arm (you mentioned a couple of them). Unless you fly across the country to see what the situation is, I would stay out of it.

OP, have you ever dealt with caring for someone at that age?

My FIL, 89, has been in a committed long term relationship with a woman his age for close to twenty years. They have kept their finances separate and maintain separate homes in the same town, splitting between both, although recently FIL has been staying primarily at her place and going to his place every day as if it’s an office. They have had an active life together: travel, book clubs, concerts, visits and holidays with children from both families. She additionally is a dedicated musician, has been deeply involved as a board member in a local organization. They are both quite cerebral and opinionated, and all the children agree that they have been really good for each other over the years. Her health has been generally good for her 85+ age, and FIL nursed her through hip and knee replacements. He has prostate cancer (under treatment) and finally got hearing aids.

Well a week ago FIL slipped on some ice and badly broke his arm, landing in the hospital. DH flew across the country to be with his father. FIL fully expects to go back to her home, where they’ve primarily been living, when he’s released, but his partner has told my husband that she doesn’ t want him to return there; she wants him to convalesce at his place. When pressed, she said their relationship is based on a certain amount of distance and independence between them and she doesn’t want that to change. I get it, they’re not married, but I’m kind of gobsmacked. If roles were reversed I am sure he would be there for her.

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the quick replies. We’ll she see if she has the cajones to communicate this directly to my FIL rather than telling it to DH, but then caveating “but don’t tell FIL.”

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the quick replies. We’ll she see if she has the cajones to communicate this directly to my FIL rather than telling it to DH, but then caveating “but don’t tell FIL.”

Anonymous wrote:OP,

While you are in town make sure to have grab bars installed around the toilet and shower etc.

Make sure Dad has the taller toilet installed in his home.

Understand there is absolutely no way an 89 year old woman can get a man off the toilet who has a broken arm.

I'd tell DAd you are going to temporarily hire caregivers to help him in the morning with getting dressed etc. Tell Dad that you see it as a short term thing and that his girl friend does not feel up to the physical demands.

Anonymous wrote:I’ve seen this before. She does not want to be his caretaker. She views that as your job. She is seeking companionship but will not assume responsibility for him when he declines. It was good while it lasted.

Anonymous wrote:He should have put a ring on it!!

She’s not inheriting his assets presumably so why do you expect an 85 year old to take care of him? Sorry, your going to have to spend your husbands inheritance on caregivers

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Next time she is injured or ill — and at their ages there is always a next time — he should be sure to insist on the same level of independence. Goose, gander and all that.

Of course and she would understand that.

OP did say her father had nursed his partner through hip surgery as well as knee surgery.

But when, and how much nursing did she need? And was it a good idea for him to do it, or was it kindly meant but ill-advised? My father got sent home from his hip replacement earlier than my mother would have liked. He'd have been better off with someone stronger looking after him, and my mom knew it but had no choice.

This. It happened, but was it a good idea or was it a big risk? And just because he was up to that particular task at that moment in time does not mean that she's up to this task at this moment in time.

Someone's going to be the last one to do major caregiving, right?

Anonymous wrote:Next time she is injured or ill — and at their ages there is always a next time — he should be sure to insist on the same level of independence. Goose, gander and all that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Next time she is injured or ill — and at their ages there is always a next time — he should be sure to insist on the same level of independence. Goose, gander and all that.

Of course and she would understand that.

OP did say her father had nursed his partner through hip surgery as well as knee surgery.

But when, and how much nursing did she need? And was it a good idea for him to do it, or was it kindly meant but ill-advised? My father got sent home from his hip replacement earlier than my mother would have liked. He'd have been better off with someone stronger looking after him, and my mom knew it but had no choice.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have an interesting story to tell. Many adult children of elders need to be aware of - when it's not marriage, it's not marriage. And even if it were, people may not step-up as you would hope/expect. No reason posters needs to exaggerate motive/intent. It's a good thread.