Anonymous
Post 01/07/2023 11:03     Subject: If H takes this job, it’s going to break me.
Getting him to magically change is not an option. Your options are take the weekend and set up a bunch of systems to take this off your plate (house cleaner, weekly grocery order pickup, monthly recurring target delivery for household items, etc.) or to divorce him. I’d try the first one and see how it goes.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2023 11:01     Subject: If H takes this job, it’s going to break me.
Just get a divorce. I wouldn't want to live with someone if I had to do all this extra nonsense with Fair Play cards and such. I assume you've done this, but if sitting down and figuring out what really NEEDS to be done and splitting it up fairly doesn't work, then just forget it. And I am a man, with ADD, and generally think divorce should be the very last option. But this is no way to live. Just get a divorce and let this guy figure it out.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2023 11:01     Subject: If H takes this job, it’s going to break me.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

He was asked to interview for a position in his company that, according to him, is a 6 month trial with no pay raise, but it puts him in front of people like the CEO, and gives him management experience. It is VERY demanding, will have zero flexibility on scheduling, and will require travel. In his words, it could either make or break his career - if he does well, it could lead to a permanent position with a very significant pay raise, or if he does poorly, he will basically be stuck in his current role permanently.

I was blunt and told him that his time management sucks, he is lazy


There is a very obvious contradiction here. He would not even be considered for such a position if his time management sucks and he is lazy.

This just sounds like the standard DW whine that DH is not doing everything she wants exactly as she wants it done and (stamps foot) this means he is a good-for-nothing man-baby. Whatever. Go ahead and blow up your family because there are some dirty dishes on the counter.


Oh stop. We literally have zero toilet paper and have had to shower after pooping and I am using my kids’ toothpaste because H didn’t follow through on restocking when he volunteered for the task. Most days he either sleeps in until 10am, or locks himself in the bedroom in the evening to nap until 9pm. This is WAY beyond a few dishes left on the counter.


Why can’t someone run out and get these things? Also, toilet paper and paper towels can delivered once a month by subscription on Amazon. I’m sure other things can be delivered that way too. For your own sanity you should look into that rather than relying on your DH.

DP.. I agree with you, but basically, it does mean that her DH gets away with not doing anything.

As to the ^^PP about time management and being considered for the job: here's the thing - most people, will pay attention to things that they care about, that they want to be doing. He's motivated to get the job, so of course, he's going to manage his time well doing his job.

Home stuff is boring as heck, and he doesn't want to do it. He gets zero compensation from doing home chores, so why do it? Plus, his wife will pick up his slack because he knows that she cares about *their* children and won't let their kids go hungry, etc. That's his attitude. That's the attitude of way too many men.

I'm not projecting. My DH is not like this, at all. He encourages me to go out with friends; my friend on the west coast is going to get married in May. We have kids, so he told me I should plan on going, and he'll stay home and take care of the kids. He goes on costo runs; the grocery store. And we make about the same.

Too many men are duds.


Yeah, there are good men out there. My mom was a SAHM and my Dad and Instill did the dishes together every night and he took us out just us all the time t9 give mom breaks.

My husband and I both work and share household and childcare tasks evenly. When I got pneumonia and was stuck on bed he handled everything and there wasn't a mess waiting when I got better. Men are not incapable of these things.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2023 10:57     Subject: If H takes this job, it’s going to break me.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

He was asked to interview for a position in his company that, according to him, is a 6 month trial with no pay raise, but it puts him in front of people like the CEO, and gives him management experience. It is VERY demanding, will have zero flexibility on scheduling, and will require travel. In his words, it could either make or break his career - if he does well, it could lead to a permanent position with a very significant pay raise, or if he does poorly, he will basically be stuck in his current role permanently.

I was blunt and told him that his time management sucks, he is lazy


There is a very obvious contradiction here. He would not even be considered for such a position if his time management sucks and he is lazy.

This just sounds like the standard DW whine that DH is not doing everything she wants exactly as she wants it done and (stamps foot) this means he is a good-for-nothing man-baby. Whatever. Go ahead and blow up your family because there are some dirty dishes on the counter.


lol! men perform at work because they *want to* and *have to.* They slack at home because they know there’s nothing their wives can do about it and don’t realize it will lead to divorce. And a lot of these men (because they are men) engage in bad behavior at work but it doesn’t hurt them there because the workplace expects that at men. In the workplace women who are ambitious are dinged for not being “team players” while men get promoted for it. Women in the workplace disproportionately do work that is not rewarded (set agendas, take notes, organize, follow up).
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2023 10:53     Subject: If H takes this job, it’s going to break me.
Interestingly I have a similar stbx DH - yet I go all-in supporting his job, because at least he can manage that and it would be 1000000x worse if he got fired. It’s the one thing I don’t resent. Him getting promotions & raises is in my interest. And there’s nothing I can do to get him to do more around the house. I only draw the line when supporting his job threatens mine and then I do fight him on it.

So OP I suggest focusing. Figure out how to manage at home with your useless DH but don’t undermine his job because that does not help you. And get ready to divorce.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2023 10:49     Subject: If H takes this job, it’s going to break me.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It kills us to admit that many men feel this way. They see the existential task that makes them good partners as their ability to contribute financially. It doesn't matter if their wives contribute as much or more. Earning a paycheck means that they are worthy. The ugly truth is that many men feel this way but cannot overtly make their wives into domestic servants. Just think about how many households in which the woman does more.


I had a classmate who married a guy like this and I just didn't get it. She kept saying she believed in traditional gender roles but she made all the money. Her taking care of the house would make sense if he supported her.

The rise of the complete man baby. Relies on a woman to make the money to support the house, can't be bothered to take care of the house either.

but the wife is letting him get away with it. Probably because she doesn't want to admit he's a dud and get a divorce.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2023 10:49     Subject: If H takes this job, it’s going to break me.
I think this guy isn’t being asked to interview for a fake promotion, he’s being put on a PIP
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2023 10:47     Subject: If H takes this job, it’s going to break me.
Anonymous wrote:OP, you're being a jerk. Hire out these tasks you keep nagging about.

why isn't OP's husband a jerk for not doing the things they agreed he'd do?
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2023 10:47     Subject: If H takes this job, it’s going to break me.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

He was asked to interview for a position in his company that, according to him, is a 6 month trial with no pay raise, but it puts him in front of people like the CEO, and gives him management experience. It is VERY demanding, will have zero flexibility on scheduling, and will require travel. In his words, it could either make or break his career - if he does well, it could lead to a permanent position with a very significant pay raise, or if he does poorly, he will basically be stuck in his current role permanently.

I was blunt and told him that his time management sucks, he is lazy


There is a very obvious contradiction here. He would not even be considered for such a position if his time management sucks and he is lazy.

This just sounds like the standard DW whine that DH is not doing everything she wants exactly as she wants it done and (stamps foot) this means he is a good-for-nothing man-baby. Whatever. Go ahead and blow up your family because there are some dirty dishes on the counter.


Oh stop. We literally have zero toilet paper and have had to shower after pooping and I am using my kids’ toothpaste because H didn’t follow through on restocking when he volunteered for the task. Most days he either sleeps in until 10am, or locks himself in the bedroom in the evening to nap until 9pm. This is WAY beyond a few dishes left on the counter.


Why can’t someone run out and get these things? Also, toilet paper and paper towels can delivered once a month by subscription on Amazon. I’m sure other things can be delivered that way too. For your own sanity you should look into that rather than relying on your DH.

DP.. I agree with you, but basically, it does mean that her DH gets away with not doing anything.

As to the ^^PP about time management and being considered for the job: here's the thing - most people, will pay attention to things that they care about, that they want to be doing. He's motivated to get the job, so of course, he's going to manage his time well doing his job.

Home stuff is boring as heck, and he doesn't want to do it. He gets zero compensation from doing home chores, so why do it? Plus, his wife will pick up his slack because he knows that she cares about *their* children and won't let their kids go hungry, etc. That's his attitude. That's the attitude of way too many men.

I'm not projecting. My DH is not like this, at all. He encourages me to go out with friends; my friend on the west coast is going to get married in May. We have kids, so he told me I should plan on going, and he'll stay home and take care of the kids. He goes on costo runs; the grocery store. And we make about the same.

Too many men are duds.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2023 10:47     Subject: If H takes this job, it’s going to break me.
OP, you're being a jerk. Hire out these tasks you keep nagging about.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2023 10:45     Subject: If H takes this job, it’s going to break me.
Anonymous wrote:Once again: most men should not have children.

I'm sorry, OP. He is going to take that job. You know that. He's obviously very selfish, and it wouldn't surprise me if he gets the big promotion he ends up having an affair because it's all about him, and his wants/needs.

Let him do that, then divorce his a$$ and get $$$ alimony and child support. Yes you will have to contend with being the primary caregiver but you are already doing that. At least you don't have to deal with him. GL


He's not getting the promotion. Look at what OP said. He's not performing at his base job. If his work actually believed in him he'd be getting a paid promotion not a 6 month no raise period.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2023 10:42     Subject: If H takes this job, it’s going to break me.
Once again: most men should not have children.

I'm sorry, OP. He is going to take that job. You know that. He's obviously very selfish, and it wouldn't surprise me if he gets the big promotion he ends up having an affair because it's all about him, and his wants/needs.

Let him do that, then divorce his a$$ and get $$$ alimony and child support. Yes you will have to contend with being the primary caregiver but you are already doing that. At least you don't have to deal with him. GL
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2023 10:42     Subject: If H takes this job, it’s going to break me.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

He was asked to interview for a position in his company that, according to him, is a 6 month trial with no pay raise, but it puts him in front of people like the CEO, and gives him management experience. It is VERY demanding, will have zero flexibility on scheduling, and will require travel. In his words, it could either make or break his career - if he does well, it could lead to a permanent position with a very significant pay raise, or if he does poorly, he will basically be stuck in his current role permanently.

I was blunt and told him that his time management sucks, he is lazy


There is a very obvious contradiction here. He would not even be considered for such a position if his time management sucks and he is lazy.

This just sounds like the standard DW whine that DH is not doing everything she wants exactly as she wants it done and (stamps foot) this means he is a good-for-nothing man-baby. Whatever. Go ahead and blow up your family because there are some dirty dishes on the counter.


Oh stop. We literally have zero toilet paper and have had to shower after pooping and I am using my kids’ toothpaste because H didn’t follow through on restocking when he volunteered for the task. Most days he either sleeps in until 10am, or locks himself in the bedroom in the evening to nap until 9pm. This is WAY beyond a few dishes left on the counter.


Why can’t someone run out and get these things? Also, toilet paper and paper towels can delivered once a month by subscription on Amazon. I’m sure other things can be delivered that way too. For your own sanity you should look into that rather than relying on your DH.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2023 10:38     Subject: If H takes this job, it’s going to break me.
Anonymous wrote:It kills us to admit that many men feel this way. They see the existential task that makes them good partners as their ability to contribute financially. It doesn't matter if their wives contribute as much or more. Earning a paycheck means that they are worthy. The ugly truth is that many men feel this way but cannot overtly make their wives into domestic servants. Just think about how many households in which the woman does more.


I had a classmate who married a guy like this and I just didn't get it. She kept saying she believed in traditional gender roles but she made all the money. Her taking care of the house would make sense if he supported her.

The rise of the complete man baby. Relies on a woman to make the money to support the house, can't be bothered to take care of the house either.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2023 10:38     Subject: If H takes this job, it’s going to break me.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

He was asked to interview for a position in his company that, according to him, is a 6 month trial with no pay raise, but it puts him in front of people like the CEO, and gives him management experience. It is VERY demanding, will have zero flexibility on scheduling, and will require travel. In his words, it could either make or break his career - if he does well, it could lead to a permanent position with a very significant pay raise, or if he does poorly, he will basically be stuck in his current role permanently.

I was blunt and told him that his time management sucks, he is lazy


There is a very obvious contradiction here. He would not even be considered for such a position if his time management sucks and he is lazy.

This just sounds like the standard DW whine that DH is not doing everything she wants exactly as she wants it done and (stamps foot) this means he is a good-for-nothing man-baby. Whatever. Go ahead and blow up your family because there are some dirty dishes on the counter.


Oh stop. We literally have zero toilet paper and have had to shower after pooping and I am using my kids’ toothpaste because H didn’t follow through on restocking when he volunteered for the task. Most days he either sleeps in until 10am, or locks himself in the bedroom in the evening to nap until 9pm. This is WAY beyond a few dishes left on the counter.


But you know he does nothing. Why did you not have TP delivered? Why do you keep wasting precious time and energy on charts and cards that cannot fix his fundamental selfish laziness? He understands that it is not fair, he is not willing to change.


He said he wanted to take on restocking home supplies. I had no idea we were out until it was literally all gone. Obviously now I have to take back that job, too.

The issue is he’s angry I’m not supporting him in this job. I don’t support him, because I know the little he does do will also be dropped. Why should I be excited for him? I don’t think it’s wrong for me to point out he can barely manage as it is, he’s not going to be able to manage when his workload doubles.

Also, I can’t afford to have things delivered. I am on a shoestring budget as it is because he can’t manage his money.


“And you’re not supporting me and this family in its functioning. I’ll be happy to support you when ADHD can be rule out as an underlying factor in your inability to fully participate in the functioning of this household. We can talk anoint this with your therapist together or ask for a referral. What’s getting in the way of you dealing with this? If this were just a matter of me saying, “Go Bob! You’ll be awesome!” don’t you think I would have already done that? Stop making this about me being your cheerleader and deal with this. I’m here to help you figure it out.”