Anonymous
Post 12/24/2022 19:39     Subject: Would you "let" your 23 year old get engaged to a grad student?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Getting married at 22 was the best decision I ever made. I found my person, there was no need to keep looking. Congratulations to your son!

—celebrating 15 years next summer


+1 Engaged at 23 and best life decision I've ever made. By far. When you marry young you can plan together and work towards your goals with a partner. This can make a huge difference.


Im sitting on the couch here with my DH of 32 years. I was 21 when we met, 23 when we got engaged, and 24 when we got married. No regrets whatsoever.
Anonymous
Post 12/24/2022 19:00     Subject: Re:Would you "let" your 23 year old get engaged to a grad student?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Most of the responders have keyed in on the "let" and the age.

But what I find equally as troublesome is OP's focus on current earning and to a lesser extent future earning potential. What matters in a marriage is whether the other person is a decent human being and they are compatible. The focus on finances is wrongheaded.

And it is a particularly dumb thing to focus on when the margin we are talking about here is stupid. OP's "six figure" child could be making 110K at 23 and clearly has no secondary degree. The potential spouse is going to have a PHD that most likely comes with a ton of earning potential, notwithstanding some loans.



PhD rarely make much money unless in tech (and even that may be changing)


Its fine if he makes less money, issue is increasing debt and no earnings for 3-6 years.


Why is it an issue? Spell it out....


Wouldn't it be one if you were DD's mother?


I'm genuinely curious exactly what people think the danger is here- with regard to income and earning potential. Unless you think that monetary contributions to a relationship need to be equal (or is it OK for the male to contribute more?)
Anonymous
Post 12/24/2022 18:28     Subject: Re:Would you "let" your 23 year old get engaged to a grad student?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Most of the responders have keyed in on the "let" and the age.

But what I find equally as troublesome is OP's focus on current earning and to a lesser extent future earning potential. What matters in a marriage is whether the other person is a decent human being and they are compatible. The focus on finances is wrongheaded.

And it is a particularly dumb thing to focus on when the margin we are talking about here is stupid. OP's "six figure" child could be making 110K at 23 and clearly has no secondary degree. The potential spouse is going to have a PHD that most likely comes with a ton of earning potential, notwithstanding some loans.



PhD rarely make much money unless in tech (and even that may be changing)


Its fine if he makes less money, issue is increasing debt and no earnings for 3-6 years.


Why is it an issue? Spell it out....


Wouldn't it be one if you were DD's mother?


No it would not. Why would it?
Anonymous
Post 12/24/2022 18:25     Subject: Re:Would you "let" your 23 year old get engaged to a grad student?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Most of the responders have keyed in on the "let" and the age.

But what I find equally as troublesome is OP's focus on current earning and to a lesser extent future earning potential. What matters in a marriage is whether the other person is a decent human being and they are compatible. The focus on finances is wrongheaded.

And it is a particularly dumb thing to focus on when the margin we are talking about here is stupid. OP's "six figure" child could be making 110K at 23 and clearly has no secondary degree. The potential spouse is going to have a PHD that most likely comes with a ton of earning potential, notwithstanding some loans.



PhD rarely make much money unless in tech (and even that may be changing)


Its fine if he makes less money, issue is increasing debt and no earnings for 3-6 years.


Why is it an issue? Spell it out....


Wouldn't it be one if you were DD's mother?
Anonymous
Post 12/24/2022 18:23     Subject: Would you "let" your 23 year old get engaged to a grad student?
I don't really know him that well so just have to trust DD's judgment. She is a good judge of character for her age but love is known to blindside people.
Anonymous
Post 12/24/2022 17:18     Subject: Re:Would you "let" your 23 year old get engaged to a grad student?
I met my wife in college when I was 21 years old and she was 24 years old.  I was playing D1 golf at the time for the university and she was pursuing her Ph.D in special education.  Her family is very wealthy and she had a trust fund. We got married after five months and she supported my dream of pursuing a professional career until I was 26 years old with her own money.  It cost about 60K/year to travel around the world to play in small tournaments so that I could get enough points to play in bigger tournaments.  It didn't work out for me after four years so I gave up that dream.  I am now working for her father and very successful.


I am sure she sees "potential" in the grad student, just like my wife did with me.   Go for it.




Anonymous
Post 12/24/2022 16:43     Subject: Re:Would you "let" your 23 year old get engaged to a grad student?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Most of the responders have keyed in on the "let" and the age.

But what I find equally as troublesome is OP's focus on current earning and to a lesser extent future earning potential. What matters in a marriage is whether the other person is a decent human being and they are compatible. The focus on finances is wrongheaded.

And it is a particularly dumb thing to focus on when the margin we are talking about here is stupid. OP's "six figure" child could be making 110K at 23 and clearly has no secondary degree. The potential spouse is going to have a PHD that most likely comes with a ton of earning potential, notwithstanding some loans.



PhD rarely make much money unless in tech (and even that may be changing)


Its fine if he makes less money, issue is increasing debt and no earnings for 3-6 years.


Why is it an issue? Spell it out....
Anonymous
Post 12/24/2022 15:58     Subject: Re:Would you "let" your 23 year old get engaged to a grad student?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Most of the responders have keyed in on the "let" and the age.

But what I find equally as troublesome is OP's focus on current earning and to a lesser extent future earning potential. What matters in a marriage is whether the other person is a decent human being and they are compatible. The focus on finances is wrongheaded.

And it is a particularly dumb thing to focus on when the margin we are talking about here is stupid. OP's "six figure" child could be making 110K at 23 and clearly has no secondary degree. The potential spouse is going to have a PHD that most likely comes with a ton of earning potential, notwithstanding some loans.



PhD rarely make much money unless in tech (and even that may be changing)


Its fine if he makes less money, issue is increasing debt and no earnings for 3-6 years.
Anonymous
Post 12/24/2022 15:56     Subject: Re:Would you "let" your 23 year old get engaged to a grad student?
Anonymous wrote:Sure. 23 yr old should not move in with the person after engagement. Wait for a couple years (even planning a wedding takes that long), save money by staying with parents, get married with some funds in the bank and then move in together. Have a clear understanding of debt, savings, money making potential. Get a lawyer involved.


They live in another state and parent can't control their live choices. Why would they rent separately when they can share rent and chores?
Anonymous
Post 12/24/2022 15:37     Subject: Re:Would you "let" your 23 year old get engaged to a grad student?
Anonymous wrote:Most of the responders have keyed in on the "let" and the age.

But what I find equally as troublesome is OP's focus on current earning and to a lesser extent future earning potential. What matters in a marriage is whether the other person is a decent human being and they are compatible. The focus on finances is wrongheaded.

And it is a particularly dumb thing to focus on when the margin we are talking about here is stupid. OP's "six figure" child could be making 110K at 23 and clearly has no secondary degree. The potential spouse is going to have a PHD that most likely comes with a ton of earning potential, notwithstanding some loans.



PhD rarely make much money unless in tech (and even that may be changing)
Anonymous
Post 12/24/2022 15:30     Subject: Would you "let" your 23 year old get engaged to a grad student?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Getting married at 22 was the best decision I ever made. I found my person, there was no need to keep looking. Congratulations to your son!

—celebrating 15 years next summer


By my math we are the same age. I got married at 27 and would have loved to have met even sooner. It’s so nice to have shared so much.


Agree. Met at 16, married at 24, in our 50s now. You can’t control when you meet your person and I wouldn’t ask that if my kids. Also, I firmly believe school is a great place to meet someone vs OLD later. Shared experiences are the best.


Agree. And I can’t imagine anyone who has suffered the indignities of OLD would really think their kid should toss a good match made young to later hope for the best on Hinge.
Anonymous
Post 12/24/2022 15:17     Subject: Would you "let" your 23 year old get engaged to a grad student?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Getting married at 22 was the best decision I ever made. I found my person, there was no need to keep looking. Congratulations to your son!

—celebrating 15 years next summer


By my math we are the same age. I got married at 27 and would have loved to have met even sooner. It’s so nice to have shared so much.


Agree. Met at 16, married at 24, in our 50s now. You can’t control when you meet your person and I wouldn’t ask that if my kids. Also, I firmly believe school is a great place to meet someone vs OLD later. Shared experiences are the best.
Anonymous
Post 12/24/2022 15:11     Subject: Would you "let" your 23 year old get engaged to a grad student?
Anonymous wrote:If she has a six figure job, no student loans and a small trust fund while he is applying to unpaid PhD programs and has large student loans.


Your child is an adult. Your child is self supporting. Your child doesn't need your permission. You can offer advice -- once. Then shut up and leave it be, or you will damage your relationship with your child.
Anonymous
Post 12/24/2022 15:07     Subject: Would you "let" your 23 year old get engaged to a grad student?
Anonymous wrote:If she has a six figure job, no student loans and a small trust fund while he is applying to unpaid PhD programs and has large student loans.


How is this your business?

MYOB

She's an adult.
You do not get a say and if you do you sucked as a parent.
Anonymous
Post 12/24/2022 15:01     Subject: Re:Would you "let" your 23 year old get engaged to a grad student?
Anonymous wrote:Your DD can get engaged. She can get married even. Ask them to sign a pre-nup valid till they are childless, which allows them to have an easy divorce and no spousal support incase the marriage does not work out. They each walk away with their own money.

Tell your kid to not have a kid till she is 32. By that time, both the parties will have a firm idea how well suited they are and whether they should have kids together. It is really as simple as that. 23 is a great age. Get engaged. Get married. Have prenup for childless years. Don't have kids for the next 9-10 years.

Once they have kids - there should be no prenup. Money is joint. Marriage is forever. They should have enough financial cushion for SAH parent, job loss, underemployment etc.

Congratulations. This is not a bad thing.


Bad advice…have kids sooner! Late 20s is perfect.