Op here- it happened for me about 3 years into marriage when our first kid was born and I scaled back in my career while my DH increased his workload. I did it to help him and to help his mother as he seemed so busy to me and I thought it couldn’t hurt. Big mistake.


To another poster- don’t worry I have sons too. 😊

Anonymous wrote:Similar boat OP! DH has "handled" his mother this year. She requested the usual list for DD, I provided and just asked my husband to let me know if she wasn't getting some of the items on the list. Totally fine, but I did give her a really good gift that DH REALLY wants, and if they weren't going to get it I wanted to make sure I did. Well that caused a bunch of miscommunication but we did get there in the end. We're also not seeing them Christmas day as the in-laws would prefer Facetiming their daughter and her family vs seeing DH, DD and myself in person. I'm not shocked but DH was taken aback. This has zero to do with covid, they just treasure DH's sister more than him. Always have, always will. DD has started to notice, as well as how they don't really have time for us (they're both retired, they do, but choose not to). I'm done bending over backwards for them. DH's at that point as well.

BTDT. We all have our limit and favoritism is hard to overlook year after year. Hope you, DH and DD have a lovely holiday.

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if this is a generational thing. Millennial here - and I agree with the PP who said she does not recognize this dynamic in her marriage. For those in the thick of it, how does it begin? I am newly (ish) married, and I guess I just can’t imagine my in laws calling me instead of their son (my DH) to plan things, even though we are really close. So, my question is, how does this dynamic develop in a family?

I’m Gen X. My husband is 55. He has always handled everything with his family. And he is really good at it. He is generally more thoughtful than I am when it comes to gift giving, etc. He is also just really close with his family — my family is more complicated and not as close. His family is an hour away and we see them once or twice a month. But the reality is that this is unusual. For many generations, the expectation was that the wife managed the family/home front. And this still exists as shown in a boatload of studies about what division of labor looks like. It starts with your MIL calling the “new wife” to organize the holidays. It starts with women doing all the Xmas shopping. It starts with the idea that the mom controls access to the kids. I know so many in the grandparent generation (varying from being in their 50s-80s) that completely blame the wife if they don’t get enough phone calls from their sons, etc. I usually gently call them out on it, but they don’t change their minds.

This may be getting better, but it still exists for many families.

Similar boat OP! DH has "handled" his mother this year. She requested the usual list for DD, I provided and just asked my husband to let me know if she wasn't getting some of the items on the list. Totally fine, but I did give her a really good gift that DH REALLY wants, and if they weren't going to get it I wanted to make sure I did. Well that caused a bunch of miscommunication but we did get there in the end. We're also not seeing them Christmas day as the in-laws would prefer Facetiming their daughter and her family vs seeing DH, DD and myself in person. I'm not shocked but DH was taken aback. This has zero to do with covid, they just treasure DH's sister more than him. Always have, always will. DD has started to notice, as well as how they don't really have time for us (they're both retired, they do, but choose not to). I'm done bending over backwards for them. DH's at that point as well.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this was a good decision for you personally, but what effect does this have on your kids? Will they now get unwanted gifts from the in-laws? Will their relationship with them suffer.

In my extended family one of my nephews wives does a similar divide and conquer with her husband. The net result is that we rarely get to see those kids. Her family gets a massive amount of time and access. Over time the relationship and respect towards that family has deteriorated. It’s unfortunate because we love them dearly but rarely get to see those kids. I see my other nieces and nephews and their children regularly. It’s a close and functional family but there is always this undercurrent of tension.

Why is that the OP’s problem??

Good for you, OP! I did the same when my kids were younger and shocker: my DH didn’t pick up any of the physical or emotional labor. That has, indeed, resulted in a less close relationship with his side of the family but how/why am I supposed to do everything for both sides?!?!

There’s that ridiculous ohrase again - “emotional labor”. Gag! Stop with that nonsense. Maintaining relationships is not “liabor”. I’m not saying you have to put the work into his side of the family but that term you keep using is utter crap.

Since it's so easy, why don't you do it for her then?

My dh doesn't even know if/when we're visiting his parents (who are a 3 hour drive away) over the Christmas holidays. Yes, Christmas is in 6 days. His family could help him by picking up the phone and calling but they won't. He's slammed. I work even longer hours, make more money, and have already planned everything else for our family and kids. No way am I adding to my burden.

Your first comment is just childish. You sound like a toddler.

As for the rest, we’ll then sure. If YOU are carrying the bigger load with money and career, yes HE should do the “emotional labor” more. See how it works? It’s called team work.

So just to be clear, you judge the amount of work someone is doing by the amount of money they make doing it?

I judged YOUR comments on YOUR situation.

OK, first of all, I'm a different poster -- there are more than one of us here who disagree with you.

Second of all, you said:

If YOU are carrying the bigger load with money and career, yes HE should do the “emotional labor” more. See how it works? It’s called team work

I want to know if you mean that money/career = the bigger load.

It says “bigger load with money and career”. The indication is that if there is a SAH partner, that partner should take on more of the domestic duties of which “emotional labor” tends to traditionally fall under. That division of the family responsibilities - one partner more career/money, the other more domestic- is as old as time. No where did I say that money/ career =the bigger load of the responsibilities. That was what YOU read into it. What YOU wanted to see. The work is pretty evenly divided. And that division of labor obviously looks different when both partners are working. I am only commenting on the SAH partner situation.

It's weird that you think you get to decide how a family with a SAHP divides up the labor. Do you also have strong feelings on who does the taxes or mows the lawn?

+1

Lots of traditional practices are "as old as time." That doesn't make them good practices.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if this is a generational thing. Millennial here - and I agree with the PP who said she does not recognize this dynamic in her marriage. For those in the thick of it, how does it begin? I am newly (ish) married, and I guess I just can’t imagine my in laws calling me instead of their son (my DH) to plan things, even though we are really close. So, my question is, how does this dynamic develop in a family?

I’m on of the PP’s (Generation X) and am not sure how this developed because it never did.

For us, it’s when our kids grew up a bit. Prior, I wouldn’t have cared either way whether we see my inlaws during the holidays or not, but now that the kids are elementary school age, they really enjoy seeing their grandparents and aunt/cousin, so I make sure airfare is booked in advance (otherwise DH will wait until last minute and we will end up paying $$$). I also started sending flowers to MIL on mother’s day and birthday… I think all this is because I can see how much they love my kids!!

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this was a good decision for you personally, but what effect does this have on your kids? Will they now get unwanted gifts from the in-laws? Will their relationship with them suffer.

In my extended family one of my nephews wives does a similar divide and conquer with her husband. The net result is that we rarely get to see those kids. Her family gets a massive amount of time and access. Over time the relationship and respect towards that family has deteriorated. It’s unfortunate because we love them dearly but rarely get to see those kids. I see my other nieces and nephews and their children regularly. It’s a close and functional family but there is always this undercurrent of tension.

That's on your nephew, not his wife.

You are absolutely correct. It’s my nephew who is primarily at fault here. But the reality is that he is working crazy hours and traveling constantly and has little time. His wife has much more flexibility to make these kinds of things happen. She is the stay at home. It is not her “fault”. But the net result is the same. We rarely see them. It’s easy to say the obvious things that she is not responsible. And she isn’t. But it’s the kids that miss out.

He is not "primarily" at fault. He is 100% at fault.

We are all busy. We do things that we care about and leave the rest. That's it.

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if this is a generational thing. Millennial here - and I agree with the PP who said she does not recognize this dynamic in her marriage. For those in the thick of it, how does it begin? I am newly (ish) married, and I guess I just can’t imagine my in laws calling me instead of their son (my DH) to plan things, even though we are really close. So, my question is, how does this dynamic develop in a family?

I’m on of the PP’s (Generation X) and am not sure how this developed because it never did.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maintaining relationships with one's family of origin is not a spouse's responsibility under any circumstances. I never even contemplated picking up a rope when we got married. DH can be as close or as distant from his family as he wants. I support him in his action or inaction. This has never been an issue in our marriage.

Same here. I can’t remember the last time his parents got a Christmas gift. Oh well!

Same. I’ve taken this stance since my twenties. I’m very friendly and enjoy their company, minus one person I keep at arm’s length but am polite in all interactions.

I wonder if this is a generational thing. Millennial here - and I agree with the PP who said she does not recognize this dynamic in her marriage. For those in the thick of it, how does it begin? I am newly (ish) married, and I guess I just can’t imagine my in laws calling me instead of their son (my DH) to plan things, even though we are really close. So, my question is, how does this dynamic develop in a family?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this was a good decision for you personally, but what effect does this have on your kids? Will they now get unwanted gifts from the in-laws? Will their relationship with them suffer.

In my extended family one of my nephews wives does a similar divide and conquer with her husband. The net result is that we rarely get to see those kids. Her family gets a massive amount of time and access. Over time the relationship and respect towards that family has deteriorated. It’s unfortunate because we love them dearly but rarely get to see those kids. I see my other nieces and nephews and their children regularly. It’s a close and functional family but there is always this undercurrent of tension.

Why is that the OP’s problem??

Good for you, OP! I did the same when my kids were younger and shocker: my DH didn’t pick up any of the physical or emotional labor. That has, indeed, resulted in a less close relationship with his side of the family but how/why am I supposed to do everything for both sides?!?!

There’s that ridiculous ohrase again - “emotional labor”. Gag! Stop with that nonsense. Maintaining relationships is not “liabor”. I’m not saying you have to put the work into his side of the family but that term you keep using is utter crap.

Since it's so easy, why don't you do it for her then?

My dh doesn't even know if/when we're visiting his parents (who are a 3 hour drive away) over the Christmas holidays. Yes, Christmas is in 6 days. His family could help him by picking up the phone and calling but they won't. He's slammed. I work even longer hours, make more money, and have already planned everything else for our family and kids. No way am I adding to my burden.

Your first comment is just childish. You sound like a toddler.

As for the rest, we’ll then sure. If YOU are carrying the bigger load with money and career, yes HE should do the “emotional labor” more. See how it works? It’s called team work.

PP here. I completely disagree. No matter how much money someone makes or doesn't make, they should only have to manage their own extended family. Why should a wife have to manage her husband's family? I don't know of any man who completely manages his wife's family.

I have NEVER heard of a man getting involved at all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maintaining relationships with one's family of origin is not a spouse's responsibility under any circumstances. I never even contemplated picking up a rope when we got married. DH can be as close or as distant from his family as he wants. I support him in his action or inaction. This has never been an issue in our marriage.

Well goody two shoes for you.

Yes, she is better than you. She is an emotionally healthy woman who advocates for herself. You are an envious twit who is miserable, and wants every other woman to be miserable as well.

Assume much? I’m very happy. And so is my marriage.

Suuuuure you are. Sure.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this was a good decision for you personally, but what effect does this have on your kids? Will they now get unwanted gifts from the in-laws? Will their relationship with them suffer.

In my extended family one of my nephews wives does a similar divide and conquer with her husband. The net result is that we rarely get to see those kids. Her family gets a massive amount of time and access. Over time the relationship and respect towards that family has deteriorated. It’s unfortunate because we love them dearly but rarely get to see those kids. I see my other nieces and nephews and their children regularly. It’s a close and functional family but there is always this undercurrent of tension.

Why is that the OP’s problem??

Good for you, OP! I did the same when my kids were younger and shocker: my DH didn’t pick up any of the physical or emotional labor. That has, indeed, resulted in a less close relationship with his side of the family but how/why am I supposed to do everything for both sides?!?!

There’s that ridiculous ohrase again - “emotional labor”. Gag! Stop with that nonsense. Maintaining relationships is not “liabor”. I’m not saying you have to put the work into his side of the family but that term you keep using is utter crap.

Since it's so easy, why don't you do it for her then?

My dh doesn't even know if/when we're visiting his parents (who are a 3 hour drive away) over the Christmas holidays. Yes, Christmas is in 6 days. His family could help him by picking up the phone and calling but they won't. He's slammed. I work even longer hours, make more money, and have already planned everything else for our family and kids. No way am I adding to my burden.

Your first comment is just childish. You sound like a toddler.

As for the rest, we’ll then sure. If YOU are carrying the bigger load with money and career, yes HE should do the “emotional labor” more. See how it works? It’s called team work.

So just to be clear, you judge the amount of work someone is doing by the amount of money they make doing it?

I judged YOUR comments on YOUR situation.

OK, first of all, I'm a different poster -- there are more than one of us here who disagree with you.

Second of all, you said:

If YOU are carrying the bigger load with money and career, yes HE should do the “emotional labor” more. See how it works? It’s called team work

I want to know if you mean that money/career = the bigger load.

It says “bigger load with money and career”. The indication is that if there is a SAH partner, that partner should take on more of the domestic duties of which “emotional labor” tends to traditionally fall under. That division of the family responsibilities - one partner more career/money, the other more domestic- is as old as time. No where did I say that money/ career =the bigger load of the responsibilities. That was what YOU read into it. What YOU wanted to see. The work is pretty evenly divided. And that division of labor obviously looks different when both partners are working. I am only commenting on the SAH partner situation.

It's weird that you think you get to decide how a family with a SAHP divides up the labor. Do you also have strong feelings on who does the taxes or mows the lawn?

I seem to have touched a nerve. Go have a cup of tea and relax.

If follow-up questions seem hostile to you, it may be because you don't really have answers to them, and don't want to admit that your position is logically inconsistent and kind of sexist. You might want to sit with that for a bit. Perhaps with a cup of tea.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this was a good decision for you personally, but what effect does this have on your kids? Will they now get unwanted gifts from the in-laws? Will their relationship with them suffer.

In my extended family one of my nephews wives does a similar divide and conquer with her husband. The net result is that we rarely get to see those kids. Her family gets a massive amount of time and access. Over time the relationship and respect towards that family has deteriorated. It’s unfortunate because we love them dearly but rarely get to see those kids. I see my other nieces and nephews and their children regularly. It’s a close and functional family but there is always this undercurrent of tension.

That's on your nephew, not his wife.

You are absolutely correct. It’s my nephew who is primarily at fault here. But the reality is that he is working crazy hours and traveling constantly and has little time. His wife has much more flexibility to make these kinds of things happen. She is the stay at home. It is not her “fault”. But the net result is the same. We rarely see them. It’s easy to say the obvious things that she is not responsible. And she isn’t. But it’s the kids that miss out.

You are still blaming the niece? It is plain as day that your nephew does not care that his kids have no relationship with you and your family. He does not care.

If the nephew’s wife is SAH then yes the responsibility really should be hers. It’s sort of part of the deal. If he’s busting his buns to support her and the family she can reach out on his behalf.

DP here. I really don't care how many hours he works. If his family is difficult, HE gets to deal with them, gifts included.

Nope sorry. That’s not how it works if you are the SAH. Unless they are pure evil or something. Giving them some gift ideas really isn’t the “emotional labor” you think it is.

It “works” any way the couple decides it works. There’s no one standardized job description for SAHM. Are you really so simple that you believe everyone thinks like you?

No but you sure do. Someone gives a differing opinion and you all flip out.

You did not phrase it as opinion. You said it only works one way, stating it as fact. We are here to tell you there are many ways to SAH. Sorry you chose the shittiest one!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this was a good decision for you personally, but what effect does this have on your kids? Will they now get unwanted gifts from the in-laws? Will their relationship with them suffer.

In my extended family one of my nephews wives does a similar divide and conquer with her husband. The net result is that we rarely get to see those kids. Her family gets a massive amount of time and access. Over time the relationship and respect towards that family has deteriorated. It’s unfortunate because we love them dearly but rarely get to see those kids. I see my other nieces and nephews and their children regularly. It’s a close and functional family but there is always this undercurrent of tension.

Why is that the OP’s problem??

Good for you, OP! I did the same when my kids were younger and shocker: my DH didn’t pick up any of the physical or emotional labor. That has, indeed, resulted in a less close relationship with his side of the family but how/why am I supposed to do everything for both sides?!?!

There’s that ridiculous ohrase again - “emotional labor”. Gag! Stop with that nonsense. Maintaining relationships is not “liabor”. I’m not saying you have to put the work into his side of the family but that term you keep using is utter crap.

Since it's so easy, why don't you do it for her then?

My dh doesn't even know if/when we're visiting his parents (who are a 3 hour drive away) over the Christmas holidays. Yes, Christmas is in 6 days. His family could help him by picking up the phone and calling but they won't. He's slammed. I work even longer hours, make more money, and have already planned everything else for our family and kids. No way am I adding to my burden.

Your first comment is just childish. You sound like a toddler.

As for the rest, we’ll then sure. If YOU are carrying the bigger load with money and career, yes HE should do the “emotional labor” more. See how it works? It’s called team work.

So just to be clear, you judge the amount of work someone is doing by the amount of money they make doing it?

I judged YOUR comments on YOUR situation.

OK, first of all, I'm a different poster -- there are more than one of us here who disagree with you.

Second of all, you said:

If YOU are carrying the bigger load with money and career, yes HE should do the “emotional labor” more. See how it works? It’s called team work

I want to know if you mean that money/career = the bigger load.

It says “bigger load with money and career”. The indication is that if there is a SAH partner, that partner should take on more of the domestic duties of which “emotional labor” tends to traditionally fall under. That division of the family responsibilities - one partner more career/money, the other more domestic- is as old as time. No where did I say that money/ career =the bigger load of the responsibilities. That was what YOU read into it. What YOU wanted to see. The work is pretty evenly divided. And that division of labor obviously looks different when both partners are working. I am only commenting on the SAH partner situation.

It's weird that you think you get to decide how a family with a SAHP divides up the labor. Do you also have strong feelings on who does the taxes or mows the lawn?

I seem to have touched a nerve. Go have a cup of tea and relax.