Anonymous wrote:My mom repeatedly threatened to divorce my dad as he declined. She hated having him at home and never wanted him to retire. She had buckets of money to throw at the situation, but refused to have caregivers in the house, refused a day program and refused to put him in memory care. It was hellish. Finally she agreed to hired help, but she was losing it at him and me and everyone and wouldn't get psychiatric help. The more he declined the more she tantrumed, but still refused to have him in residential, yet she was declaring she was going to get a divorce. When he passed she visited his grace every day and needed a new target for her disgust-that would be me.

I don't know about your mom, but my mother worked part time now and then and got to keep all that money for herself. They traveled plenty. She had a maid several times a week, went to the spa, are at nice restaurants for decades. She just did not want to deal when life was not easy and yet she could have made life easier by having him somewhere safe and visiting, but she refused. Now she is a wealthy widow and gets her feathers ruffled if people don't cater to her enough.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Respect her wishes. She deserves to have some control for her remaining time on this planet

Except she is undoubtedly going to push her elderly husband problems onto her children and reduce their happiness.

No, each adult gets to make their own decisions. Her as well as them.

The poor woman is not asking for much of her life for God's sake. Or no, are women just expected to be selfless doormats until the day they are buried?

Not when she knows her decisions will absolutely affect others. She could be asking a great deal if she intends to offload caring for her husband onto her kids. And yes she did sign up for this when she agreed to get married.

What about all of the dads who leave their wives for younger women? They don’t think, “but who will care for Betty when she is old.” But women are supposed to always be selfless. F*#* that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve seen this play out and it’s not good. They waste a ton of money on lawyers, dad meets someone new and gets married in a year. He dies a few years later and 100% of his estate goes to his new hot wife.

I’d encourage your mom to travel, stay with her kids, make new hobbies. My mom is also really upset at having to take care of my dad. She asks when her retirement is coming because she gets no downtime and he doesn’t do any chores or cook. Sigh.

This, OP.

Maybe encourage your mom and dad to buy a duplex and each live in one side.
They can have the same address, but live in separate apartments.
Your mom may be angry, but she will just hurt herself.

My aunt divorced her husband of 30 years, and he got married a year later to a bimbo (of course) 20 years younger. My aunt is still single, and extremely bitter.
Money was not an issue, but they have three kids, and they still fight over kid-related stuff.

Her DH was not having an affair, but he was off working a lot, and she was extremely resentful. I think they should have stayed married, and worked something out. She's very smart with a law degree that she's really never used, and I think she resents having given up her promising career to stay home with his kids. Now she can't get a job because it's too late and she's too old.

So sorry this is happening, OP. It's painful to watch, especially when there's nothing you can do. Try to communicate with her, but respect her decisions and choices. Otherwise she'll resent you too, and you don't need that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Respect her wishes. She deserves to have some control for her remaining time on this planet

Except she is undoubtedly going to push her elderly husband problems onto her children and reduce their happiness.

No, each adult gets to make their own decisions. Her as well as them.

The poor woman is not asking for much of her life for God's sake. Or no, are women just expected to be selfless doormats until the day they are buried?

Not when she knows her decisions will absolutely affect others. She could be asking a great deal if she intends to offload caring for her husband onto her kids. And yes she did sign up for this when she agreed to get married.

Anonymous wrote:I’ve seen this play out and it’s not good. They waste a ton of money on lawyers, dad meets someone new and gets married in a year. He dies a few years later and 100% of his estate goes to his new hot wife.

I’d encourage your mom to travel, stay with her kids, make new hobbies. My mom is also really upset at having to take care of my dad. She asks when her retirement is coming because she gets no downtime and he doesn’t do any chores or cook. Sigh.