Anonymous wrote:My mother died recently and my MIL's upcoming party is causing major envy for me. I'm having childish emotions: Why is she here and my mom is not? DH and his sister are throwing her a lavish bash that's involving plenty of planning, and I just want no part of it. I know this probably makes me a horrible human being.

You're not a horrible person for being overwhelmingy sad about this birthday party for MIL when your own mother recently passed away. If the DH family usually doesn't have such lavish birthday parties perhaps the event itself was triggered by the passing of your mom-have such a party while she is still around to enjoy it. Is your father alive and were they in a close and loving relationship? FIL?

Has MIL long term been kind, warm hearted , and respectful to you OR hands off but respectful OR a massive cloud of doom? One of my DC's has a future MIL like the 1st and another who is married has one like the 3rd? Unexpected turbulence.

Skip the planning and attend briefly if MIL and FIL (if exists) came to your Mom's funeral, all actions and words were appropriate, and has a track record like the 1st. We had a very recent death in the family and horrid MIL response forever placed her in the negative.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Totally agree she should attend.

Very sorry for your loss, OP, but your mother wouldn’t want you avoiding life’s celebrations. Every day is a gift.

When my DH died recently if someone had said every day is a gift I would have wanted to slap them. Seriously.

It's literally one of hte WORST things you can say to a grieving person.

+1

No kidding. Some people are pretty thoughtless - and/or have very few significant losses in their lives - they just don't get it.

Totally disagree. I have had more loss than most people have had in their entire lives -- suddenly, and at a fairly young age -- and it made me appreciate that every day IS a gift. None of us have the promise of tomorrow.

Yeah there is a choice people have when they lose a loved one. They can feel the pain of the loss or they can close off their heart and shut out the pain of the loss. Sounds like op has done the latter. Unfortunately, doing the latter has long term real consequences, like the inability to feel empathy for others, to start.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So talk to your husband. Tell him to do all the planning while he is at work. Tell him it’s painful to hear about it. Plan a trip away that weekend for yourself and don’t attend.

I’m sorry your mom died. Peace to you.

F that. Death is part of life. Get over yourself and deal with the living.

Oh, you’re a trash person. Got it.

Oh, and “Life Is For The Living” is trite, self-help, pop psych BS that belongs only crocheted on a throw pillow.

Np. I am assuming the poster above you is a troll. No one is that much of an a-hole and insensitive about grief.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have lost a parent and I think you're being ridiculous.

Fine if you find it difficult to help plan.
But to be mad at him for celebrating his mother.
Feeling like because your mother died his should too or he can't enjoy his is way off bounds.
Get into therapy before you destroy your relationship with grief

Go to the party.

Nope. OP, make other plans and skip the party.

+1. Let yourself grieve in the way you need to.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So talk to your husband. Tell him to do all the planning while he is at work. Tell him it’s painful to hear about it. Plan a trip away that weekend for yourself and don’t attend.

I’m sorry your mom died. Peace to you.

F that. Death is part of life. Get over yourself and deal with the living.

Oh, you’re a trash person. Got it.

Oh, and “Life Is For The Living” is trite, self-help, pop psych BS that belongs only crocheted on a throw pillow.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can totally understand OP’s feelings and her not wanting to pan the party, but I do hope she can attend for an hour.

Why is important that she attend a birthday party for an hour? Please explain.

NP because it’s a birthday party for family. What part of that don’t you understand?

Well, it’s not a birthday party for a small child, so hopefully her adult MIL can understand why OP doesn’t attend this year only.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Part of moving through your grief is remembering to celebrate those who are still living.

Very well put.

No. You’re both wrong in OP’s case. But at least you’re together!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can totally understand OP’s feelings and her not wanting to pan the party, but I do hope she can attend for an hour.

Why is important that she attend a birthday party for an hour? Please explain.

NP - because she should,not want to jeopardize her relationship with the living MIL she will need to interact with for the rest of her life. Because if the MIL is at all decent, she will serve in a motherly role going forward, as DIL is family. Because it’s not going to make OP feel better to not attend.

HAHAHAHA. What a bizarre thing to say.

Anonymous wrote:I have lost a parent and I think you're being ridiculous.

Fine if you find it difficult to help plan.
But to be mad at him for celebrating his mother.
Feeling like because your mother died his should too or he can't enjoy his is way off bounds.
Get into therapy before you destroy your relationship with grief

Go to the party.

Nope. OP, make other plans and skip the party.

Anonymous wrote:Totally agree she should attend.

Very sorry for your loss, OP, but your mother wouldn’t want you avoiding life’s celebrations. Every day is a gift.

No.

Your DH is a total a**hole if…

It’s been less than 12 months since your mother passed away

It’s been less than 24 months since your mother passed, and it’s not a milestone birthday for his mother

If neither of the above, you should probably suck it up OP

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Totally agree she should attend.

Very sorry for your loss, OP, but your mother wouldn’t want you avoiding life’s celebrations. Every day is a gift.

DCUM’s very own psychic has arrived.

Oh, can the snark. You know exactly what that PP meant but you're making a choice to be ugly about it so you can write your cutesy post. Apparently you have zero actual advice for the OP yourself. Shallow.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Totally agree she should attend.

Very sorry for your loss, OP, but your mother wouldn’t want you avoiding life’s celebrations. Every day is a gift.

When my DH died recently if someone had said every day is a gift I would have wanted to slap them. Seriously.

It's literally one of hte WORST things you can say to a grieving person.

+1

No kidding. Some people are pretty thoughtless - and/or have very few significant losses in their lives - they just don't get it.

Totally disagree. I have had more loss than most people have had in their entire lives -- suddenly, and at a fairly young age -- and it made me appreciate that every day IS a gift. None of us have the promise of tomorrow.

Anonymous wrote:So talk to your husband. Tell him to do all the planning while he is at work. Tell him it’s painful to hear about it. Plan a trip away that weekend for yourself and don’t attend.

I’m sorry your mom died. Peace to you.

F that. Death is part of life. Get over yourself and deal with the living.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Totally agree she should attend.

Very sorry for your loss, OP, but your mother wouldn’t want you avoiding life’s celebrations. Every day is a gift.

DCUM’s very own psychic has arrived.

Life is for the living. If you like your MIL, go to the party. If you dont’t, them you have a perfect excuse.