Anonymous
Post 12/14/2022 23:22     Subject: Who cooks - the host or the guest?
Wow, a DCUM thread that actually supports MIL. This must be a first.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2022 22:36     Subject: Who cooks - the host or the guest?
Anonymous wrote:OP, when I travel to visit family with my one child, I expect to do as much as I can to help my hosts because it isn’t their child. It’s great that you got it after hearing some other poster’s perspective, but, tbh this was so obvious to every other poster once learning that you have 5 kids that it seems like you maybe live in a bubble? Are many of your friends moms of large families also? I am a person who truly enjoys children, I can even find the good in bratty ones, but 5 for 10 days straight sounds absolutely exhausting. Your MIL is probably so worried about managing this all and also likely incredibly offended that you are unwilling to help and foisting all responsibility for this trip on your husband who has a job. This is your job. Meal planning tends to fall squarely on a sah parent! How many SAHM or SAHD do you know who are not responsible for meal planning and grocery procurement?


You had me, until you asserted that OP doesn't have a job. She's a SAHM and homeschools some of her kid. That's definitely a job.

Still, none of this excuses showing up with 5 kids and expecting to be waited on. (FWIW, and before anybody attacks me, I worked FT with an ADHD DH for all the years before my kids went to college.)
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2022 22:08     Subject: Who cooks - the host or the guest?
OP, when I travel to visit family with my one child, I expect to do as much as I can to help my hosts because it isn’t their child. It’s great that you got it after hearing some other poster’s perspective, but, tbh this was so obvious to every other poster once learning that you have 5 kids that it seems like you maybe live in a bubble? Are many of your friends moms of large families also? I am a person who truly enjoys children, I can even find the good in bratty ones, but 5 for 10 days straight sounds absolutely exhausting. Your MIL is probably so worried about managing this all and also likely incredibly offended that you are unwilling to help and foisting all responsibility for this trip on your husband who has a job. This is your job. Meal planning tends to fall squarely on a sah parent! How many SAHM or SAHD do you know who are not responsible for meal planning and grocery procurement?
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2022 21:53     Subject: Re:Who cooks - the host or the guest?
You’re bringing seven people to their house for ten days and you and your DH can’t be bothered lifting a finger to help? That is next-level entitlement.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2022 21:31     Subject: Who cooks - the host or the guest?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:“It’s her one time to reciprocate probably for the next five years, and she can’t manage to handle it.”

WOW, OP. You tried to play the feminism card—“I can’t believe she keeps asking ME about meals even after we told her DH would be handling it!”—but here you are blaming MIL and only MIL for not being able to handle cooking and cleaning and buying and meal planning for your brood, with not one word about how FIL has benefitted from your hospitality over the years, and is not now reciprocating per your expectation.

WOW.

Next time you try to play the feminism card, make sure you don’t just blame MIL and MIL alone for perceived hosting failures.


+1 And don't forget when OP informed us that MIL was "just a homemaker" so NBD for her to cook for a dozen or so extra people for 10 days. Where was OP's feminism THEN?


+2. And OP is a SAHM to 5 kids. SAHM’s to 5 kids don’t realistically expect a 10 day break from cooking, do they?
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2022 19:49     Subject: Who cooks - the host or the guest?
Anonymous wrote:“It’s her one time to reciprocate probably for the next five years, and she can’t manage to handle it.”

WOW, OP. You tried to play the feminism card—“I can’t believe she keeps asking ME about meals even after we told her DH would be handling it!”—but here you are blaming MIL and only MIL for not being able to handle cooking and cleaning and buying and meal planning for your brood, with not one word about how FIL has benefitted from your hospitality over the years, and is not now reciprocating per your expectation.

WOW.

Next time you try to play the feminism card, make sure you don’t just blame MIL and MIL alone for perceived hosting failures.


+1 And don't forget when OP informed us that MIL was "just a homemaker" so NBD for her to cook for a dozen or so extra people for 10 days. Where was OP's feminism THEN?
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2022 19:13     Subject: Who cooks - the host or the guest?
“It’s her one time to reciprocate probably for the next five years, and she can’t manage to handle it.”

WOW, OP. You tried to play the feminism card—“I can’t believe she keeps asking ME about meals even after we told her DH would be handling it!”—but here you are blaming MIL and only MIL for not being able to handle cooking and cleaning and buying and meal planning for your brood, with not one word about how FIL has benefitted from your hospitality over the years, and is not now reciprocating per your expectation.

WOW.

Next time you try to play the feminism card, make sure you don’t just blame MIL and MIL alone for perceived hosting failures.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2022 18:56     Subject: Who cooks - the host or the guest?
You are being rude. They clearly can’t do all meals. Please pitch in and help.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2022 18:50     Subject: Who cooks - the host or the guest?
Yeah a 10 night visit from anyone would be a hard pass for me.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2022 18:40     Subject: Who cooks - the host or the guest?
Anonymous wrote:You are bringing 5 kids to their house for 10 days??? That is insanely intrusive.


Yes, should cut trip down to 4 nights.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2022 18:23     Subject: Who cooks - the host or the guest?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Honestly this sounds like something DCUM would advise a host to do when they didn’t want to handle 10 DAYS of meals for family.

If your DH is the one in charge, just stop opening the emails/reading the texts. Being copied on communications isn’t an action item.


Op here - you are correct - 10 days of meals IS a lot. But we’ve done it for them over and over again. Last visit they stayed with us 12 nights and I cooked and cleaned for them with zero help. This has been done many times every year on my end. It’s her one time to reciprocate probably for the next five years, and she can’t manage to handle it.


OP I think it’s great you took accountability in this post after getting some comments, but the bolded is really sexist. You acknowledge that you are visiting your “in laws” but your ire is solely focused at…the woman, your MIL. She has a husband and yet you never mentioned that he should be stepping up too.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2022 18:17     Subject: Re:Who cooks - the host or the guest?
Taco Bell Bean Burritos. OP and her army of kids would get this every single day for 10 days.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2022 18:05     Subject: Re:Who cooks - the host or the guest?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Your DH is great. Your ILs suck, sorry. They don't need to be adding to your mental load. Unless they have limited mobility or are still working busy jobs, they should figure this out. I would not bother making this trek to visit them again.


I don't know. I don't think they suck. It isn't a big difference to cook for 2 extra people - but it is for 8! she is cooking for 10 people for each meal. They are also older so it is a lot of work for them and costly. You are visiting for a long time. I would totally expect you to chip in with regard to work and cost.

My dad alone visited for Thanksgiving and helped where he could and we would let him AND he chipped in. And to be honest, when I visit my parents (especially with my sister and her family) NO ONE expects my parents to do everything.

And finally, making meals together is a social event.


Oh no, it’s not. I’ll happily host you and will make great food, but stay the hell out of my kitchen. (You may snack at will, so the kitchen is never “closed” but I cook ALONE.)
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2022 17:59     Subject: Who cooks - the host or the guest?
We host and we cook (elaborate, delicious, attention to detail). It's just my wife's family left, and they dislike cooking and if left to them, we'd be eating canned soup. So we cook when we're there, too, and they're delighted for it. Solves a lot of problems that the people who care about food/what they eat are the ones that cook. Someday I will probably be exhausted by it all, but not yet.
Anonymous
Post 12/14/2022 17:58     Subject: Who cooks - the host or the guest?
Are you kidding, OP? You’re going to act like adding two elderly people to you/DH’s hosting efforts is the same as adding a freaking Duggar family’s worth of people on top of your MIL/FIL’s hosting efforts?!