Anonymous
11/24/2022 17:15
Subject: Inexpensive wedding gift
OP, I would be annoyed, too, at people being cheap. It’s not about the value - it’s just the lack of reciprocity. I had a cheap friend who was like this (probably worse) and it made it difficult to be around them. The cheapness probably extends to how they are in life generally.
Anonymous
11/24/2022 16:23
Subject: Re:Inexpensive wedding gift
Further to everyone else's comments about bean counting, did you like/register for the gift? The $40 Lodge cast iron skillet and lid that I just bought a family member for Christmas will last more than that person's lifetime if proper care is taken.
Anonymous
11/24/2022 16:19
Subject: Inexpensive wedding gift
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If a family member gives a low dollar wedding gift (say under $40 for a couple) for a $100/person wedding, do you think they are signaling they don’t like you or think very much of you or the relationship, they’re cheap, or just clueless? They’re not poor. Of course I will be gracious to them but do I back off any relationship with them in the future?
How much did they spend to be at the wedding?
OP here. It’s a local wedding so they have no travel expenses. They have family watching their kids so no expense there. We gave them $300 for their wedding over 10 years ago. Our wedding is no more fancy than theirs was. I wasn’t expecting to recoup dollar for dollar and I don’t view the wedding as a gift grab. It’s just that the amount they spent is what we have spent on a birthday present for their kid. We are closely related, but not “close” if that makes any sense. There was no falling out or anything like that. Just different interests and life circumstances. This gift makes me think they don’t want to keep up the charade.
OK I will admit it is a tad obnoxious you have them $300 and the spent $40 if they are indeed well off like you say. Clearly it upsets you. The thing you are not close. I don't spend $300 on people with whom I am not close even if they are family. If you aren't close, then there is no issue where you have to back away. I assume you will barely see them.
This is why I hate gifts in general. I don't like receiving them because in my family they come with strings and guilt trips. I worry when giving them that the person won't like it unless it is a wedding and I use the registry. Then I just hope I don't offend them by not spending enough or they find is strange I spent too much.
We are no gift type people. When we have gatherings we make that request. If you are invited it is truly because we enjoy your company and I am truly touched you came. I don't need any stuff, just friends and no games. Too often the gift can cause issues we don't need like this thread. No gifts please.
Anonymous
11/24/2022 10:21
Subject: Inexpensive wedding gift
I am much closer to my husband's aunt who gave us nothing when we got married than I am to my aunt who gave a generous gift. The only reason I know she gave no gift is I wanted to make sure we sent thank you notes promptly so I had a record system where I wrote the gift and checked off when I sent the card. The aunt who gave a generous gift gossips and is competitive and can say some really upsetting things., I send her a very gracious thank you note, but it did not bring me closer. The aunt in law who didn't give a gift is really sweet to me and we have an easy time chatting with lots of laughs. I relate so easily to her. That is the gift. She is one of the many gifts that came with marrying my husband.
Anonymous
11/23/2022 23:00
Subject: Inexpensive wedding gift
I would much rather get no gift or a low cost gift from even a wealthy relative than get a generous gift with strings. I have issues with people for whom a grateful thank you note is not enough. I am a person who prefers no gifts in general though because in my family every gift small or big had strings and came with guilt trips.
Anonymous
11/23/2022 16:22
Subject: Inexpensive wedding gift
Anonymous wrote:If a family member gives a low dollar wedding gift (say under $40 for a couple) for a $100/person wedding, do you think they are signaling they don’t like you or think very much of you or the relationship, they’re cheap, or just clueless? They’re not poor. Of course I will be gracious to them but do I back off any relationship with them in the future?
You are woefully confused. You invite people to your wedding because they are family or friend's and you want them to share in your joy. You do not invite guests with the idea that they will subsidize your wedding expenses.
Anonymous
11/22/2022 08:36
Subject: Inexpensive wedding gift
FFS - just send them a bill if that's the way you feel.
As a guest, I have no idea what the couple spent on their wedding and I'm not about to spend any time drawing up an imaginary budget of their expenses. There is NO requirement to match gift to costs. Invite people because you want them there to share your special day and you won't be disappointed.
As a guest, I have no idea what the couple spent on their wedding and I'm not about to spend any time drawing up an imaginary budget of their expenses. There is NO requirement to match gift to costs. Invite people because you want them there to share your special day and you won't be disappointed.
Anonymous
11/22/2022 06:32
Subject: Inexpensive wedding gift
Anonymous wrote:I agree with clueless. Dh and I are from a major city, but DH went to college in a podunk town. His college friends, every single one of them, gave us $20/person.
To NP. You are greedy and clueless. Your DH’s friends all live in the same town they went to college in?
Anonymous
11/22/2022 06:26
Subject: Inexpensive wedding gift
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If a family member gives a low dollar wedding gift (say under $40 for a couple) for a $100/person wedding, do you think they are signaling they don’t like you or think very much of you or the relationship, they’re cheap, or just clueless? They’re not poor. Of course I will be gracious to them but do I back off any relationship with them in the future?
Why would you do this? So money equals love, therefore if they don't give you much money, they must not love you very much? Maybe they're not "signaling" anything. Move on with your marriage and don't give it anymore thought.
+1. I cringed when I read the OP. A wedding is not bartering: I give you a $100/pp meal, you give me a gift in kind…You are hosting an event. Do you leave out a tip jar at a dinner party you host so your guests can make up the difference between what their bottle of wine cost and what you spent on the meal?
+1. OP sounds like the clueless, tacky and cheap one.
Anonymous
11/21/2022 19:34
Subject: Inexpensive wedding gift
I am sorry that the other PPs are being unnecessarily rude to you, OP. The fact you already gave them 300$ for their wedding and they aren’t poor, makes the gift of 40$ very odd - especially if you say they are family.
Life is short - if you want to and have the energy to keep up with a relationship with them, go for it. But if not, I think it’s fine to let things fade away. I agree that 40$ is a suspiciously small amount.
Life is short - if you want to and have the energy to keep up with a relationship with them, go for it. But if not, I think it’s fine to let things fade away. I agree that 40$ is a suspiciously small amount.
Anonymous
11/21/2022 19:05
Subject: Inexpensive wedding gift
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If a family member gives a low dollar wedding gift (say under $40 for a couple) for a $100/person wedding, do you think they are signaling they don’t like you or think very much of you or the relationship, they’re cheap, or just clueless? They’re not poor. Of course I will be gracious to them but do I back off any relationship with them in the future?
Why would you do this? So money equals love, therefore if they don't give you much money, they must not love you very much? Maybe they're not "signaling" anything. Move on with your marriage and don't give it anymore thought.
+1
I don’t think of weddings (birthdays, Christmases, other gift-giving occasions) on a quid pro quo basis. Maybe they thought you’d consider the actual gift, rather than its cost. Moreover, you don’t know all the details of their finances. Even if they can afford expenses you deem less important than yourself, they are allowed to have different priorities.
If you can afford $100/person, you would not appear to be poor either, but again, I don’t know your full finances. If you were counting on reselling your wedding gifts to pay for your wedding, maybe you should have economized a little to begin with. Otherwise, be grateful that somebody cared enough to buy a gift they thought (however erroneously) you’d like, bought it, took the time out of their day to get dressed up and come to celebrate your wedding (possibly with the added time and expense of travel - perhaps you factor any hotels, airfare, gas, parking, and/or rental cars into the equation before you compare).
In my family, receptions are just that. There’s cake, iced tea/coffee/punch, nuts, and mints. Occasionally, the couple might provide something extra like fruit or ice cream, but it’s not expected. There’s just enough time to say hi to everyone and then we go our separate ways. While it is a much simpler arrangement than the typical DC reception, it doesn’t lend itself to the type of mercenary judgement you’ve exhibited.
Interesting. What culture are you from?
Not PP, but it’s done this way outside of many larger cities in the U.S.
Not the PP who first brought up the cake/punch/nuts/mints receptions but this, too, is what I grew up with in the rural midwest. It was the rare wedding that had a catered meal/dancing. Some receptions were at the church and there definitely wasn't alcohol. People who had huge receptions were the wealthy people or the family was in the food business. A number of receptions held on the farms were potlucks/pig roasts. I especially liked the pig roast! There was usually alcohol at those.
Anonymous
11/21/2022 18:47
Subject: Inexpensive wedding gift
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Given the volume of objections in this thread I’m starting to think you’re all a bunch of grinch givers.
Plenty of us give generously, but most are adult enough to get over this petty score keeping.
As someone who does give generously, I still think this gift is sending a big signal and I think people who think they can give such lame gifts are being very naive if they imagine they aren’t being judged. Assuming we are talking about normal DCUM set people. Not 20 yr olds getting married in small town Iowa.
Given OP’s tone deafness, I have a feeling she earned the cheap gift.
Anonymous
11/21/2022 18:23
Subject: Inexpensive wedding gift
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Given the volume of objections in this thread I’m starting to think you’re all a bunch of grinch givers.
Plenty of us give generously, but most are adult enough to get over this petty score keeping.
As someone who does give generously, I still think this gift is sending a big signal and I think people who think they can give such lame gifts are being very naive if they imagine they aren’t being judged. Assuming we are talking about normal DCUM set people. Not 20 yr olds getting married in small town Iowa.
Anonymous
11/21/2022 18:19
Subject: Inexpensive wedding gift
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If a family member gives a low dollar wedding gift (say under $40 for a couple) for a $100/person wedding, do you think they are signaling they don’t like you or think very much of you or the relationship, they’re cheap, or just clueless? They’re not poor. Of course I will be gracious to them but do I back off any relationship with them in the future?
Why would you do this? So money equals love, therefore if they don't give you much money, they must not love you very much? Maybe they're not "signaling" anything. Move on with your marriage and don't give it anymore thought.
+1. I cringed when I read the OP. A wedding is not bartering: I give you a $100/pp meal, you give me a gift in kind…You are hosting an event. Do you leave out a tip jar at a dinner party you host so your guests can make up the difference between what their bottle of wine cost and what you spent on the meal?
+1 to both of the PPs.
Anonymous
11/21/2022 17:40
Subject: Inexpensive wedding gift
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Given the volume of objections in this thread I’m starting to think you’re all a bunch of grinch givers.
Plenty of us give generously, but most are adult enough to get over this petty score keeping.
This. I'd be curious to know the correlation between the people who expect expensive wedding gifts and those who expect their adult birthdays to be a big celebration. There has to be one.