DCUM Forum

Anonymous

11/15/2022 08:38 Subject: Re:Wife Wants To Be A SAHM

You do not have the money for a nanny.

You do not have the money for your wife to SAH without a budget.

People have to make compromises all of the time. The best compromise here is that you guys do a nanny share and she works part-time. Sorry.

Anonymous

11/15/2022 08:37 Subject: Re:Wife Wants To Be A SAHM

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. We do not want a nanny share. We do not the idea of another kids and dealing with other parents who will be employers. My wife is fully against this.

I’m not saying she can’t spend money. I just don’t think she needs everything she has now.

We have

Hello Fresh
Freshly
Daily Harvest
Butcher Box

She gets weekly massages + facials, nails done every two weeks, hair every 6 weeks, and a gym membership that she hasn’t gone to since she gave birth.

I don’t mind the gym membership, nails, hair cut, etc., but I think she can scale the massages and facials back to twice or once a month and get rid of some of these meals services. We spend about $1000/month on food services on top of groceries.

I am a SAHM of kid that are now older. First, OP I think you are not being unreasonable. Many posters who post questions like this are unreasonable, and it is nice that you are trying to strike a balance and be understanding.

I think you need to sit with her and say you are supportive of staying home and that is great, but you need to tell her the total amount per month and then PER YEAR of those food subscriptions, facials, and massages. She needs to see (in a calm and understanding way the grand totals). I would start conversation saying you support continuing hair and one or two food subscriptions so she doesn't think you are trying to cut off everything. You said you do the cooking, so I would have her eliminate two food subscriptions to start. Hair every 6 weeks is not crazy (that is what I do), gym makes sense if she actually returns- she should make sure it is one with child care. A weekly facial is extreme- I live in a nice suburb with some fancy friends, and I don't know anyone who does this! Maybe scale back to a facial every 3-4 months. She can get some nice at home products for cheaper.
Massage every other week or every three weeks (that can be good post baby, so maybe not eliminate entirely). Then see where the math is at.

You think she will stop this once she is a SAHM? That's hilarious.

The other thing no one has mentioned- is WHO IS WATCHING THE BABY WHEN SHE GOES ALL THESE PLACES?? When my first was 8 months old, I got a babysitter for a few hours once a week so I could go to appointments and have some free time. That costs extra money too.

Finally, kids are most expensive when they are babies AND older. The cheapest years are K-3rd (assuming public school). I know many parents who stopped working when kids got older because part time was tough, and kids needed more help after school/vacations/appointments when they are older. Older elementary and up activities are more expensive (depending on what they do - travel sports, speciality activities, dance, etc). They do things more days of the week. Kids may need tutor/therapist etc - you have no idea of knowing this when they are young. Camps. They have many days off school and vacations, so working parents need coverage for that. Staying home allows me the flexibility to be home when they are sick/have days off or have appointments, I'm here to drive them around to all their after school activities. But I (and DH) also don't stress over me grabbing Starbucks or lunch out every once in a while.

It sounds like you have savings and you both like the idea of her staying home- which is a hurdle not every couple agrees on. You just need to be able to have a calm discussion on the details, where she does not feel like she is being given a budget, but rather you explain that for her to stay home, the family needs to scale back on some fixed expenses.

WEEKLY massages and facials? Maybe OP is a troll. I find this hard to believe at any income. Especially weekly facials. You aren't even supposed to get them more than once per month

Anonymous

11/15/2022 08:35 Subject: Re:Wife Wants To Be A SAHM

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. We do not want a nanny share. We do not the idea of another kids and dealing with other parents who will be employers. My wife is fully against this.

I’m not saying she can’t spend money. I just don’t think she needs everything she has now.

We have

Hello Fresh
Freshly
Daily Harvest
Butcher Box

She gets weekly massages + facials, nails done every two weeks, hair every 6 weeks, and a gym membership that she hasn’t gone to since she gave birth.

I don’t mind the gym membership, nails, hair cut, etc., but I think she can scale the massages and facials back to twice or once a month and get rid of some of these meals services. We spend about $1000/month on food services on top of groceries.

I am a SAHM of kid that are now older. First, OP I think you are not being unreasonable. Many posters who post questions like this are unreasonable, and it is nice that you are trying to strike a balance and be understanding.

I think you need to sit with her and say you are supportive of staying home and that is great, but you need to tell her the total amount per month and then PER YEAR of those food subscriptions, facials, and massages. She needs to see (in a calm and understanding way the grand totals). I would start conversation saying you support continuing hair and one or two food subscriptions so she doesn't think you are trying to cut off everything. You said you do the cooking, so I would have her eliminate two food subscriptions to start. Hair every 6 weeks is not crazy (that is what I do), gym makes sense if she actually returns- she should make sure it is one with child care. A weekly facial is extreme- I live in a nice suburb with some fancy friends, and I don't know anyone who does this! Maybe scale back to a facial every 3-4 months. She can get some nice at home products for cheaper.
Massage every other week or every three weeks (that can be good post baby, so maybe not eliminate entirely). Then see where the math is at.

The other thing no one has mentioned- is WHO IS WATCHING THE BABY WHEN SHE GOES ALL THESE PLACES?? When my first was 8 months old, I got a babysitter for a few hours once a week so I could go to appointments and have some free time. That costs extra money too.

Finally, kids are most expensive when they are babies AND older. The cheapest years are K-3rd (assuming public school). I know many parents who stopped working when kids got older because part time was tough, and kids needed more help after school/vacations/appointments when they are older. Older elementary and up activities are more expensive (depending on what they do - travel sports, speciality activities, dance, etc). They do things more days of the week. Kids may need tutor/therapist etc - you have no idea of knowing this when they are young. Camps. They have many days off school and vacations, so working parents need coverage for that. Staying home allows me the flexibility to be home when they are sick/have days off or have appointments, I'm here to drive them around to all their after school activities. But I (and DH) also don't stress over me grabbing Starbucks or lunch out every once in a while.

It sounds like you have savings and you both like the idea of her staying home- which is a hurdle not every couple agrees on. You just need to be able to have a calm discussion on the details, where she does not feel like she is being given a budget, but rather you explain that for her to stay home, the family needs to scale back on some fixed expenses.

You think she will stop this once she is a SAHM? That's hilarious.

Anonymous

11/15/2022 08:35 Subject: Wife Wants To Be A SAHM

Anonymous wrote:Let her. Seriously, do your part and let her.

Have you read the updates? Op is supportive of this but if spouse can't understand that she can't stay home on his 200k income and live like she's on a 500k income! Facials every week, expensive hair, nails, gym memberships, multiple food subscriptions. What OP is asking for is completely reasonable in my opinion. You can't always have your cake and eat it too. Completely reasonable to say if we are reducing to one income we have to be on a budget! It doesn't even sound like ops budget would be unreasonable, just cutting a little bit. These are normal discussions that couples should have and come to agreement on.

Anonymous

11/15/2022 08:34 Subject: Re:Wife Wants To Be A SAHM

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. We do not want a nanny share. We do not the idea of another kids and dealing with other parents who will be employers. My wife is fully against this.

I’m not saying she can’t spend money. I just don’t think she needs everything she has now.

We have

Hello Fresh
Freshly
Daily Harvest
Butcher Box

She gets weekly massages + facials, nails done every two weeks, hair every 6 weeks, and a gym membership that she hasn’t gone to since she gave birth.

I don’t mind the gym membership, nails, hair cut, etc., but I think she can scale the massages and facials back to twice or once a month and get rid of some of these meals services. We spend about $1000/month on food services on top of groceries.

I am a SAHM of kid that are now older. First, OP I think you are not being unreasonable. Many posters who post questions like this are unreasonable, and it is nice that you are trying to strike a balance and be understanding.

I think you need to sit with her and say you are supportive of staying home and that is great, but you need to tell her the total amount per month and then PER YEAR of those food subscriptions, facials, and massages. She needs to see (in a calm and understanding way the grand totals). I would start conversation saying you support continuing hair and one or two food subscriptions so she doesn't think you are trying to cut off everything. You said you do the cooking, so I would have her eliminate two food subscriptions to start. Hair every 6 weeks is not crazy (that is what I do), gym makes sense if she actually returns- she should make sure it is one with child care. A weekly facial is extreme- I live in a nice suburb with some fancy friends, and I don't know anyone who does this! Maybe scale back to a facial every 3-4 months. She can get some nice at home products for cheaper.
Massage every other week or every three weeks (that can be good post baby, so maybe not eliminate entirely). Then see where the math is at.

You think she will stop this once she is a SAHM? That's hilarious.

The other thing no one has mentioned- is WHO IS WATCHING THE BABY WHEN SHE GOES ALL THESE PLACES?? When my first was 8 months old, I got a babysitter for a few hours once a week so I could go to appointments and have some free time. That costs extra money too.

Finally, kids are most expensive when they are babies AND older. The cheapest years are K-3rd (assuming public school). I know many parents who stopped working when kids got older because part time was tough, and kids needed more help after school/vacations/appointments when they are older. Older elementary and up activities are more expensive (depending on what they do - travel sports, speciality activities, dance, etc). They do things more days of the week. Kids may need tutor/therapist etc - you have no idea of knowing this when they are young. Camps. They have many days off school and vacations, so working parents need coverage for that. Staying home allows me the flexibility to be home when they are sick/have days off or have appointments, I'm here to drive them around to all their after school activities. But I (and DH) also don't stress over me grabbing Starbucks or lunch out every once in a while.

It sounds like you have savings and you both like the idea of her staying home- which is a hurdle not every couple agrees on. You just need to be able to have a calm discussion on the details, where she does not feel like she is being given a budget, but rather you explain that for her to stay home, the family needs to scale back on some fixed expenses.

Anonymous

11/15/2022 08:32 Subject: Re:Wife Wants To Be A SAHM

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much does she earn at her current job?

What are your childcare plans and costs if she goes back to work? Childcare is so expensive that in some cases the extra stress you get from work and having to balance home and work life is just not worth the extra bit of income

OP here. She earns a little over $100k. One of the main reasons for her quitting is it will be hard to find childcare given that she would prefer to go back PT. Her original plan was to go back PT 3 days a week, but we many nannies we looked at all wanted FT. We would need to do it the legal way and I assumed with rates of a nanny in the area and taxes, we would be spending about $40-50k on a PT nanny.

The math isn’t mathing. Why would a PT nanny cost $50k?

What would the hourly rate be and the total bi-weekly hours worked?

I had a full-time nanny that we paid, on the books, and she was not $100k per year so I’m curious to know the answer to this.
$50-70k could get you a FT nanny.

OP here. I’m probably over estimating the cost of a PT nanny.

I think a nanny share would be perfect for you guys.

I’m a sahm and would not be if DH put me on a budget/allowance. Please note that if she is home, she will have more time to spend money. She won’t be spending less. She will likely spend more. You know your wife best. Is she the type that would want the nicer stroller, travel stroller, cute baby clothes. Is she social and likely to meet up with other UMC for coffee, brunch and lunch? She will want to drop the baby weight and keep the gym membership.

I definitely know some SAHMs on a budget. I have one friend whose husband lets her have a break but doesn’t want her to spend any money on that break. That would not work for me. I went on stroller walks with friends and we would go out for coffee and/or lunch. When kids were older, we would check out various kid activities. All this costs money. Your wife won’t just sit at home spending less money.

This OP, this. There is no way around taking about money with her and setting a monthly spending cap. You must or the spending will at the very least stay the same, but likely increase bc she will have more time to fill.

Anonymous

11/15/2022 08:27 Subject: Re:Wife Wants To Be A SAHM

OP here. We do not want a nanny share. We do not the idea of another kids and dealing with other parents who will be employers. My wife is fully against this.

I’m not saying she can’t spend money. I just don’t think she needs everything she has now.

We have

Hello Fresh
Freshly
Daily Harvest
Butcher Box

She gets weekly massages + facials, nails done every two weeks, hair every 6 weeks, and a gym membership that she hasn’t gone to since she gave birth.

I don’t mind the gym membership, nails, hair cut, etc., but I think she can scale the massages and facials back to twice or once a month and get rid of some of these meals services. We spend about $1000/month on food services on top of groceries.

I am a SAHM of kid that are now older. First, OP I think you are not being unreasonable. Many posters who post questions like this are unreasonable, and it is nice that you are trying to strike a balance and be understanding.

I think you need to sit with her and say you are supportive of staying home and that is great, but you need to tell her the total amount per month and then PER YEAR of those food subscriptions, facials, and massages. She needs to see (in a calm and understanding way the grand totals). I would start conversation saying you support continuing hair and one or two food subscriptions so she doesn't think you are trying to cut off everything. You said you do the cooking, so I would have her eliminate two food subscriptions to start. Hair every 6 weeks is not crazy (that is what I do), gym makes sense if she actually returns- she should make sure it is one with child care. A weekly facial is extreme- I live in a nice suburb with some fancy friends, and I don't know anyone who does this! Maybe scale back to a facial every 3-4 months. She can get some nice at home products for cheaper.
Massage every other week or every three weeks (that can be good post baby, so maybe not eliminate entirely). Then see where the math is at.

The other thing no one has mentioned- is WHO IS WATCHING THE BABY WHEN SHE GOES ALL THESE PLACES?? When my first was 8 months old, I got a babysitter for a few hours once a week so I could go to appointments and have some free time. That costs extra money too.

Finally, kids are most expensive when they are babies AND older. The cheapest years are K-3rd (assuming public school). I know many parents who stopped working when kids got older because part time was tough, and kids needed more help after school/vacations/appointments when they are older. Older elementary and up activities are more expensive (depending on what they do - travel sports, speciality activities, dance, etc). They do things more days of the week. Kids may need tutor/therapist etc - you have no idea of knowing this when they are young. Camps. They have many days off school and vacations, so working parents need coverage for that. Staying home allows me the flexibility to be home when they are sick/have days off or have appointments, I'm here to drive them around to all their after school activities. But I (and DH) also don't stress over me grabbing Starbucks or lunch out every once in a while.

It sounds like you have savings and you both like the idea of her staying home- which is a hurdle not every couple agrees on. You just need to be able to have a calm discussion on the details, where she does not feel like she is being given a budget, but rather you explain that for her to stay home, the family needs to scale back on some fixed expenses.

Anonymous

11/15/2022 08:19 Subject: Wife Wants To Be A SAHM

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please keep in mind that should you divorce, your alimony and child support will be substantially higher because she's become a SAHM.

OP here. We will not be getting a divorce, but I truly don’t care about or think about that.

OP your scenario is EXACTLY the family that is going to divorce. Wife who doesn't want to work, spends ALL your money, and you are going to resent her for it. And she's never going to go back. Who do you think divorces? You have described Exhibit A of divorcing couples.

Anonymous

11/15/2022 08:15 Subject: Wife Wants To Be A SAHM

OP, you may be 100% correct about where your family's discretionary spending is and what needs to be cut. However, unless you are able to come to agreement with your wife about the right path forward, you will both be miserable.

You both need to learn the art of compromise. And if you're not willing to do it for a childcare situation (no center, no nanny share, etc), then it will absolutely be required to create a family budget which you both buy into. That's your next step, though - creating a black and white version of your current income/spending, expected future income/spending and then laying that up against savings goals to see if you are on or off track.

Anonymous

11/15/2022 08:10 Subject: Re:Wife Wants To Be A SAHM

Anonymous wrote:You can’t afford for your wife to stay home on your salary. You guys have a high maintenance lifestyle.

Does she come from some family money?

If either of you will get some inheritance, then it would be fine. If you are the sole breadwinner, no way.

Pretty sure OP and DW are South Indian. I think she came from wealthy family.

Anonymous

11/15/2022 07:54 Subject: Wife Wants To Be A SAHM

Anonymous wrote:That’s tough, you have different different ideas about money. $1000 per month on food subscriptions for a family if 2 blows my mind.

My only advice is you both need to think longer term. If she leaves the workforce for 7 years, she may not re-enter easily, so you’re losing a lot more money over the long term. I have several friends who fully intended to go back after kid 2 was in kindergarten but then never ended going back when they looked at the job market 7 years later.

She also sounds very high maintenance. I don’t think most people making $100k spend that much on non- necessities every month. Try to get this sorted before trying for baby 2.

How old are you guys?

I eat out a lot so I guess our take out bill is similar for a family of 5. I can’t imagine all these food subscriptions.

Do you actually eat all that food?

Anonymous

11/15/2022 07:51 Subject: Re:Wife Wants To Be A SAHM

You can’t afford for your wife to stay home on your salary. You guys have a high maintenance lifestyle.

Does she come from some family money?

If either of you will get some inheritance, then it would be fine. If you are the sole breadwinner, no way.

Anonymous

11/15/2022 07:50 Subject: Re:Wife Wants To Be A SAHM

Honestly even if she remains working and they have two kids on a dual income, she’ll need to curb spending. 280k, two kids, (childcare), savings, mortgage, upkeep, nursery school and all the expenses of family life- 280k will be budgeted very quickly.

Anonymous

11/15/2022 07:48 Subject: Re:Wife Wants To Be A SAHM

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much does she earn at her current job?

What are your childcare plans and costs if she goes back to work? Childcare is so expensive that in some cases the extra stress you get from work and having to balance home and work life is just not worth the extra bit of income

OP here. She earns a little over $100k. One of the main reasons for her quitting is it will be hard to find childcare given that she would prefer to go back PT. Her original plan was to go back PT 3 days a week, but we many nannies we looked at all wanted FT. We would need to do it the legal way and I assumed with rates of a nanny in the area and taxes, we would be spending about $40-50k on a PT nanny.

The math isn’t mathing. Why would a PT nanny cost $50k?

What would the hourly rate be and the total bi-weekly hours worked?

I had a full-time nanny that we paid, on the books, and she was not $100k per year so I’m curious to know the answer to this.
$50-70k could get you a FT nanny.

OP here. I’m probably over estimating the cost of a PT nanny.

I think a nanny share would be perfect for you guys.

I’m a sahm and would not be if DH put me on a budget/allowance. Please note that if she is home, she will have more time to spend money. She won’t be spending less. She will likely spend more. You know your wife best. Is she the type that would want the nicer stroller, travel stroller, cute baby clothes. Is she social and likely to meet up with other UMC for coffee, brunch and lunch? She will want to drop the baby weight and keep the gym membership.

I definitely know some SAHMs on a budget. I have one friend whose husband lets her have a break but doesn’t want her to spend any money on that break. That would not work for me. I went on stroller walks with friends and we would go out for coffee and/or lunch. When kids were older, we would check out various kid activities. All this costs money. Your wife won’t just sit at home spending less money.

OP here. We do not want a nanny share. We do not the idea of another kids and dealing with other parents who will be employers. My wife is fully against this.

I’m not saying she can’t spend money. I just don’t think she needs everything she has now.

We have

Hello Fresh
Freshly
Daily Harvest
Butcher Box

She gets weekly massages + facials, nails done every two weeks, hair every 6 weeks, and a gym membership that she hasn’t gone to since she gave birth.

I don’t mind the gym membership, nails, hair cut, etc., but I think she can scale the massages and facials back to twice or once a month and get rid of some of these meals services. We spend about $1000/month on food services on top of groceries.

OK, so I'm the PP who posted the 800-1200/month for self-care. You cannot afford a FT nanny on that salary. We had a nanny share and we were making around 500K at that time. With the nanny share, the kid will also get socialization, which is crucial and so beneficial. We were paying $25/hr and to that add the taxes, unemployment insurance, paid sick leave, vacation etc. At your income, you cannot even afford a good center, which is around 2.3K/month. Because your wife makes so little money, it makes sense for her to SAH but you need to make more. Unless you have an incredibly low mortgage, you need to pull at least 350K to maintain some sort of quality of life. I have older kids and they do not get cheaper as they grow older. We're paying $280/hr for precalc on wyzant. DC2 needed ABA therapy and the copay was almost 1K/month for years. Kids are very $$$$, plan accordingly.