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Anonymous wrote:I have an only child who my everything. My child is a toddler and approaching an age where if I’m going to have another child it needs to be now for them to really be arguably close in age. What does everyone think about having an only child verse two children? Any thoughts and feedback much appreciated. I am looking for exclusively the perspective of The benefits it would have on my child. (not necessarily for my benefit)

Well do you want your child growing up to think they are someone's everything, that they always are first pick, that they are always the most important and then go out into the real world with that mindset. Or do you want them to learn compromise, negotiating, that life isn't always fair, how to get along with others, etc.

A sibling isn’t necessarily going to fix this.

My cousin is who is an only child was the most spoilt and entitled child I knew and grew up to be an entitled, spoilt adult. She was their everything, center of their world, the sun, moon, and stars. However I agree that if she had had a sibling, both kids would probably have been treated that way to some extent.

I do a lot of volunteering with kids and have seen dozens and dozens of family dynamics over the years. Selfish, spoiled children are a result of bad parenting, not the number of siblings they have. I know kids with those traits and IMO, their siblings seem to make them double down with those tendencies. The parents encourage possessiveness and "fairness" and it makes the competitive and un-generous. I also know only children that are the least selfish and most compromising kids in the room, because they have never had to compete for resources and don't see life as a zero sum game. Personally, I think if I lived in a rural area, I'd be more inclined to give a child a sibling or two. But in an urban area like the DMV, kids have plenty of neighbors and extracurricular activities if they want them. I think the best family set up in this area is the one that makes the parents happiest and most able to be calm, stable, involved parents. Life in this area is hard and demanding, and adding more kids because you "should" is not always a net positive for the family and the kid's childhood experience.

In my cousin's case it was about her being an only child. They had fertility issues and this was their one and only and they worshipped her and tried to give her everything. They were older parents (40s) and she was the center of their world. They catered to her as a child to the extremes. They were focused on wanting her to be happy and whatever she needed / wanted to be happy - they gave her. In many ways they were great parents - she had every opportunity in the world and the undivided attention of doting parents but all that attention and focus on her as a child who could truly do no wrong made her spoiled and entitled.

You're describing bad parenting. A sympathetic case for why they made such major mistakes in parenting maybe, but still bad parenting. Your cousin was spoiled and entitled because her parents raised her with blinders, not because she was an only child.

What is with the know it all posters? Just because someone posts something you disagree with, it doesn't actually invalidate them or their experience. I get you only want to hear positives about only children - likely due to your own life and so you will talk over and be a know it all to anyone who has a different opinion but that whatever the word is for mansplaining for people who can't handle other people thinking differently - it gets tiring. Own your own experience and talk about it to your hearts content but stop trying to invalidate anyone who doesn't agree with you. You know nothing about my family. Nothing. So your inflated sense of self is going to get you nowhere.

oops that should have said if the child *had* special needs

I'm also a single mom with a toddler debating this question. I was an only child and wished I had a sibling growing up. (As an adult it is easier to see the financial advantages of being an only.)

My child is very social and loves other children and babies. Her daycare teacher said she would be a great older sister and I agree (they have told me she "mentored" a younger kid who joined the classroom - showing him the ropes.) Hopefully she would like her sibling (and vice versa) and they could play together.

Problem is there is no guarantee siblings will get along or support each others as adults - BUT as an older parent I do like the idea that she will still have someone who is family when I am gone, someone to share the burdens of dealing with an aging me (hopefully I can set things up to spare her most of this).

Probably not applicable to you - but she is double donor conceived and I have a second embryo. If she is someone for whom genetics are important than this sibling would be a full genetically related family member.

Disadvantages - single mom with no other family so resources must be shared and inevitably there will be less time and money. The resource issue is the one thing that is holding me back. That being said I am looking at jobs and various geographical locations so there are ways of expanding financial resources and with enough money outsourcing time consuming things that could provide more time an attention for two kids. Previously I had said I wouldn't do two without a partner (but then I also said I wouldn't do one without a partner) but am definitely seriously considering changing my mind about that.

One reason that I did IVF with donor egg add on is that I knew I wanted two kids and I would be lucky with IVF to get one of my own. I do worry about things like what if the pregnancy was twins, or what if my health were endangered (high risk because of age) It's different risking health when you are single than when you are the only parent of someone who needs you. Also if child were special needs that would be super super hard.

Ultimately you have the child for you but hope your child will benefit as well.

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Anonymous wrote:I have an only child who my everything. My child is a toddler and approaching an age where if I’m going to have another child it needs to be now for them to really be arguably close in age. What does everyone think about having an only child verse two children? Any thoughts and feedback much appreciated. I am looking for exclusively the perspective of The benefits it would have on my child. (not necessarily for my benefit)

Well do you want your child growing up to think they are someone's everything, that they always are first pick, that they are always the most important and then go out into the real world with that mindset. Or do you want them to learn compromise, negotiating, that life isn't always fair, how to get along with others, etc.

A sibling isn’t necessarily going to fix this.

My cousin is who is an only child was the most spoilt and entitled child I knew and grew up to be an entitled, spoilt adult. She was their everything, center of their world, the sun, moon, and stars. However I agree that if she had had a sibling, both kids would probably have been treated that way to some extent.

I do a lot of volunteering with kids and have seen dozens and dozens of family dynamics over the years. Selfish, spoiled children are a result of bad parenting, not the number of siblings they have. I know kids with those traits and IMO, their siblings seem to make them double down with those tendencies. The parents encourage possessiveness and "fairness" and it makes the competitive and un-generous. I also know only children that are the least selfish and most compromising kids in the room, because they have never had to compete for resources and don't see life as a zero sum game. Personally, I think if I lived in a rural area, I'd be more inclined to give a child a sibling or two. But in an urban area like the DMV, kids have plenty of neighbors and extracurricular activities if they want them. I think the best family set up in this area is the one that makes the parents happiest and most able to be calm, stable, involved parents. Life in this area is hard and demanding, and adding more kids because you "should" is not always a net positive for the family and the kid's childhood experience.

In my cousin's case it was about her being an only child. They had fertility issues and this was their one and only and they worshipped her and tried to give her everything. They were older parents (40s) and she was the center of their world. They catered to her as a child to the extremes. They were focused on wanting her to be happy and whatever she needed / wanted to be happy - they gave her. In many ways they were great parents - she had every opportunity in the world and the undivided attention of doting parents but all that attention and focus on her as a child who could truly do no wrong made her spoiled and entitled.

I would also gently suggest that you may be biased and not be getting a full picture of what went on with your cousin or her parents. I say this because it happened to me.

Growing up, I had two cousins who were onlies. I remember disliking these two cousins, feeling they were entitled, and ascribing it to them being only children. I also remember my mom and aunts often tut-tutting about how those kids were spoiled, didn't learn to share, how sad it was they didn't have siblings ("go play with your cousins Larla, she's always all alone") etc. I have three siblings and I grew up thinking that only kids were generally spoiled and entitled like I perceived my cousins to be.

But a few years ago, shortly after I'd had my first baby who would also turn out to be my last, my mom made a comment to me about one of those cousins. She said something along the lines of "she created a monster", referring to her sister raising her only child. And I was a bit taken aback and honestly confused because all these years later, I don't consider that cousin (or my other only child cousin) to be a monster at all. We're all in our 40s now (I was still in my 30s at the time this happened) and they have settled into mid-life with pretty decent lives. The cousin she was referring to is married, has kids, sees his parents a lot. I remember when he was younger he was kind of aimless, took a while to figure out what he wanted after college, and struggled a bit to get used to caring for himself. I do think my aunt probably doted on him too much and did too much for him once he was a teen/young adult because that transition was tough for him. But he's not a monster, at all, and I actually think most people who meet him would think him to be quite successful at life -- good job, good family, functional relationships, and he has a good personality and plenty of friends.

What I realized when my mom said that is that a lot of the narrative around my only child cousins had been handed to me by people who were pretty biased. Another thing about these cousins -- their parents were more financially stable than my parents or some of their siblings, their parents didn't really stress about college and even paid for grad school in both cases because they had the funds and it was, after all, their only child. I think some of what my mom and her sisters said was based on truth -- my one aunt, at least, really did struggle with saying no to her kid sometimes -- but I think a lot of it was based on envy and resentment.

And I'm also realizing that maybe what I perceived as selfishness or entitlement as a kid... wasn't. I came from a big family, was a middle child, and as an adult I've discovered I have a lot of issues related to some neglectful behaviors from my parents that were at least in part due to the fact that they had a lot of kids and simply overlooked some of my needs in the mix. I was a very insecure kid and viewed resources as scarce and all my siblings and I were/are very competitive about stuff like parental attention. I now think it's possible my cousins weren't actually selfish or entitled, but just secure. And that read as very entitled to me, a deeply insecure child who never felt like I got enough attention or emotional support. This really struck me as my mom was complaining about how my cousin was a "monster" (a demonstrably false statement) due to my aunt's parenting, when of course my parents were also flawed parents and I know that better than anyone.

I had it totally wrong. I think it's possible you might have it at least partially wrong, too. There might be some truth to it, but were your parents perfect? All parents mess some stuff up. Unless your cousin is now committing financial fraud, stealing from children, never gives money to charity, and friendless and miserable because of her terrible, selfish, entitled personality, it's probably that the narrative around your cousin being spoiled beyond all help is an exaggeration intended to make certain people feel superior about themselves.

I am one of three. DH is one of four. We have three kids and wanted four.

We wanted a larger family for our children not just for childhood but to provide support for them during their adult years. My siblings, and DH's, have been so important to us during our young adult and adult lives that I cannot imagine my children not having the same built in support. We've gone through family issues , health scares, loss, moving across the globe, etc. together. Yes, I have incredibly close friends but siblings are just different. I am very different from my siblings and we don't see eye to eye on everything but we work through our differences. WE also have each other's back 100% of the time.

So many people these days focus on the toddler or baby years when deciding how many kids they want. I think that's important but don't forget to see the long road. What do you want your kids to have in their adult lives. How do you want your lives to look 10, 20, 40 years from now? Plan for that - whatever you think that should look like.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an only child who my everything. My child is a toddler and approaching an age where if I’m going to have another child it needs to be now for them to really be arguably close in age. What does everyone think about having an only child verse two children? Any thoughts and feedback much appreciated. I am looking for exclusively the perspective of The benefits it would have on my child. (not necessarily for my benefit)

Well do you want your child growing up to think they are someone's everything, that they always are first pick, that they are always the most important and then go out into the real world with that mindset. Or do you want them to learn compromise, negotiating, that life isn't always fair, how to get along with others, etc.

This is such a tired refrain. I'm an only child and guess what I learned how to compromise, negotiate and how to get along with others. It is possible to learn these things without a sibling.

OP here. Thank you, this is the kind of direct feedback I was looking for. I guess my question is not necessarily whether you need a sibling to develop well, I’m just saying/asking -would you like to have a sibling? Our family is tiny.

I'm an only with a teen only.

I very much wanted a sibling growing up (in like, wanted a Nintendo way....it was not an emotional challenge at all). I just liked babies.
Thought I wanted 4 kids.
DH (a great dad) wanted 0 or 1. We have 1.
It was an adjustment to recalibrate, but in the end, I am very very happy to be a mom of 1, and my only is an extremely well adjusted, smart, happy kid. He has pretty much always said he doesn't want a sibling, but has also been able to articulate some things like "sometimes when I see X with his brother it makes me realize it would be fun to have a brother on a vacation." I can't be in his brain, but I do not think he does or has ever longed for a sibling, and has said he appreciates his only-hood much more than he's said things like this. We have a small family, so I sometimes get neurotic about "who will he have?" but then I realize: I too have a small family...I have my OWN family. And I love it.

As an adult with healthy but aging parents, I sometimes fantasize about having someone to share memories with (or workload, if and when that comes). But I have a very supportive DH and I also recognize, and very much appreciate, the logistical ease and bullet-dodging of not having to deal with siblings (which from an outsider's perspective, I have almost never seen be smooth sailing all the way all the time).

It's a crap shoot. Do the best you can do with what you want to do, and don't let people tell you one way is right (especially if that isn't their own lived experience). That's all we can do!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an only child who my everything. My child is a toddler and approaching an age where if I’m going to have another child it needs to be now for them to really be arguably close in age. What does everyone think about having an only child verse two children? Any thoughts and feedback much appreciated. I am looking for exclusively the perspective of The benefits it would have on my child. (not necessarily for my benefit)

Well do you want your child growing up to think they are someone's everything, that they always are first pick, that they are always the most important and then go out into the real world with that mindset. Or do you want them to learn compromise, negotiating, that life isn't always fair, how to get along with others, etc.

Great things that can be taught to an only, believe it or not pp (we have one)!

Anonymous wrote:We have 2 kids nearly 2.5 years apart in age. The benefit for having more than one kids is that they have playmates after the baby stage, and they each learn that neither of them have privileges and everything has to be shared. We don’t mean every only child, but those my kids have played with tend to exclude one of my kid, it could be lack of experience to have siblings to “practice” share at home. The cons of having more than one kid is that you may not be able to afford the best for all of your kids, either money or time related.

Contrary view: my only child is incredibly generous and willing to share, perhaps because she doesn't worry about competing for resources. And having a sibling doesn't mean that your kid will want to play with their friend's sibling.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an only child who my everything. My child is a toddler and approaching an age where if I’m going to have another child it needs to be now for them to really be arguably close in age. What does everyone think about having an only child verse two children? Any thoughts and feedback much appreciated. I am looking for exclusively the perspective of The benefits it would have on my child. (not necessarily for my benefit)

Well do you want your child growing up to think they are someone's everything, that they always are first pick, that they are always the most important and then go out into the real world with that mindset. Or do you want them to learn compromise, negotiating, that life isn't always fair, how to get along with others, etc.

A sibling isn’t necessarily going to fix this.

+1
I know people who have siblings who think they are the center of the universe and are terrible at compromising or being considerate of others.
And you can teach your kid that they aren't the center of the world without siblings.

Anonymous wrote:Don't have another kid for your kid. Have one because you want one. Adults who were only children and adult who have siblings can all turn out to be functioning members of society. The are benefits and downsides to both. That's just life. And don't make your child your everything - you deserve a life too.

This. Kids aren't gifts for other kids. Have a second if you want one. Don't have a second if you don't. The book *One and Only* is useful in terms of breaking down myths about only kids being lonely, selfish, or otherwise maladjusted. In fact, they are most like oldest children in terms of personalities, to the extent that birth order matters. There's a chapter in *NurtureShock* that's also useful.

My only child is happy, social, outgoing, has lots of friends, and is quite generous and capable of sharing. She enjoys more of our time, attention, and resources. We can do things that we wouldn't be able to afford or manage logistically if we had more. I have more energy and am able to be more patient. There are advantages and disadvantages to every family configuration, and nothing is guaranteed, because a lot of it depends on the child(ren)'s temperament(s) and the family's circumstances. So ask yourself if you want another child, and if you feel that you are capable of caring for that kid (especially given that you don't have a co-parent to help).

^ to add, while we are not close, I am grateful to have someone who shares our family history. There are things that only he and I know and understand.

I know there’s no guarantee but dealing with ill, aging parents I am grateful to have a sibling to share the load. Without him I would be drowning.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're really on the fence, I'd consider your current child's personality and how this child would be affected by having/not having a sibling. My older probably would have been OK as an only, but me and DH did want to have two kids. (I have a much harder time wrapping my head around the decision to have more than 2, but that's just me.)

One indirect benefit to my older child is that I realized just how different two kids from same parents can be, which helped me not to be so uptight about the role of parenting, which I think made life easier for the kids.

YES!!!!!!

When I had more kids I realize that we are just along for the ride. They come who they are and we're just helping them be their best selves.

I know this and I have an only. Not sure why you need more than one to learn this.

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Anonymous wrote:I have an only child who my everything. My child is a toddler and approaching an age where if I’m going to have another child it needs to be now for them to really be arguably close in age. What does everyone think about having an only child verse two children? Any thoughts and feedback much appreciated. I am looking for exclusively the perspective of The benefits it would have on my child. (not necessarily for my benefit)

Well do you want your child growing up to think they are someone's everything, that they always are first pick, that they are always the most important and then go out into the real world with that mindset. Or do you want them to learn compromise, negotiating, that life isn't always fair, how to get along with others, etc.

A sibling isn’t necessarily going to fix this.

My cousin is who is an only child was the most spoilt and entitled child I knew and grew up to be an entitled, spoilt adult. She was their everything, center of their world, the sun, moon, and stars. However I agree that if she had had a sibling, both kids would probably have been treated that way to some extent.

I do a lot of volunteering with kids and have seen dozens and dozens of family dynamics over the years. Selfish, spoiled children are a result of bad parenting, not the number of siblings they have. I know kids with those traits and IMO, their siblings seem to make them double down with those tendencies. The parents encourage possessiveness and "fairness" and it makes the competitive and un-generous. I also know only children that are the least selfish and most compromising kids in the room, because they have never had to compete for resources and don't see life as a zero sum game. Personally, I think if I lived in a rural area, I'd be more inclined to give a child a sibling or two. But in an urban area like the DMV, kids have plenty of neighbors and extracurricular activities if they want them. I think the best family set up in this area is the one that makes the parents happiest and most able to be calm, stable, involved parents. Life in this area is hard and demanding, and adding more kids because you "should" is not always a net positive for the family and the kid's childhood experience.

In my cousin's case it was about her being an only child. They had fertility issues and this was their one and only and they worshipped her and tried to give her everything. They were older parents (40s) and she was the center of their world. They catered to her as a child to the extremes. They were focused on wanting her to be happy and whatever she needed / wanted to be happy - they gave her. In many ways they were great parents - she had every opportunity in the world and the undivided attention of doting parents but all that attention and focus on her as a child who could truly do no wrong made her spoiled and entitled.

You're describing bad parenting. A sympathetic case for why they made such major mistakes in parenting maybe, but still bad parenting. Your cousin was spoiled and entitled because her parents raised her with blinders, not because she was an only child.

Anonymous wrote:OP, did you say that you were a single parent? I think that this will also play into the equation. Two kids are obviously, MUCH more difficult to raise by yourself, than one. I have a single friend that has two children. Their early teen years were really, really rough, and she felt like she was coming apart at the seams, with how stretched she was to manage all the demands on her time. Things are just starting to settle down a bit, now that they're a bit older.

I have an only, and have friends that have anything from 1-3 children. Most of the onlies, mine included, have wished they had siblings at some point in their lives (mine very specifically, wanted a girl twin). Almost all the kids with siblings have wished they didn't have siblings (or specific sibling), at some point in their lives. It all ebbs and flows, and changes from year to year.

In the end, you just don't know how the dynamics are going to end up, and whether they will end up having close relationships with their siblings. Lord knows there are plenty of people whose primary support system are their friends, and not relatives.

This exactly. You could spend all day writing out the pros and cons for one child vs. two. Ultimately, there are benefits and detriments to both, and much of whether a sibling turns out to be a gift depends on luck and temperament. The only question is whether the parent(s) WANT the experience of raising a second child, and whether they have the bandwidth to do so well. If the answer to both is yes, then go for it. But don't have a second child, particularly as a single parent, because you're trying to maximize hypothetical outcomes for your child. Everything comes with trade offs and the experiences are just different, not better or worse.