Anonymous wrote:Giving money is acceptable and expected for a lot of events in my Italian family. Money and food seem to be the answer for anything from a birth to a death.

It is just the way we do things. American culture is way too uptight about money.

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So for vast swaths of the rest of our nation, it's ok to think of yourself and not your guests?

By this logic, no one could ever have a wedding shower or baby shower or birthday party or any other event in which gifts were allowed. (Meaningless who "hosts" the party - we all know what's really going on here - a gift giving event.) Because obviously the point of such a party must be to receive gifts. How vulgar and selfish.

Not PP, but the point of a baby or wedding shower is to honor the baby/mom-to-be or bride and to shower her/them with gifts. In contrast, the point of a wedding is to get married, and celebrate the new marriage with friends and family at the reception/party.

Or am I wrong about that?

Thank you! The purpose of a shower is to "shower with gifts." In other words-- the wedding is the "celebratory event," in the words of a pp. The shower is to give gifts. If you think that asking for money instead of gifts is crass, fine. But the point of the event is to help someone prepare for their new life with spouse or baby by giving them something they will need. Gosh, people, can you muster some good will for a new mother/newly married person? Being so easily offended is hardly a sign of good character.

The point of the *wedding shower* is to help someone prepare for their new life w/spouse. I love showers. Plenty of goodwill there!

The point of the *wedding* is to celebrate. Not to shower with gifts, to celebrate the event. I love weddings, too; plenty of goodwill there too! But don't ask me for money when I've come not to shower you with gifts, but to help you celebrate your new marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wanted to chime in and say I don't find the dollar dance thing offensive-especially given it's a tradition and we're talking about a dollar. The cash tree I think it put out hoping you can rake in big bucks and I have yet to find any evidence it is some tradition going back many years in a culture.

Cash gifts are totally fine as long as they are not expected. We have heard from on these posts about the Korean and Jewish tradition and that did not offend me in the least becomes nobody is told to give money, it's just a tradition among those close to the family.

I attended a wedding where the bride had some kind of lace apron and danced around in a circle for guests to toss in money and, believe me, bulging envelopes and $100 bills were what was being "tossed" into her lace apron. Frankly, I would have been humiliated to have done this but it as an ethnic wedding. Only men were allowed to contribute as the bride gave each of them a kiss. It was obvious that a goodly sum was expected--nothing less than $100.00.

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Anonymous wrote:For all of you knocking the "dollar dance" at weddings, it is very much a cultural thing. Know your audience.

In DC, that means know that everyone will be offended by everything you do or don't do, if it doesn't comply with their very own standards and/or the latest edition of Miss Manners or Emily Post. And if their standards exceed those of MM/EP, you will offend by not meeting their standards (see, e.g., imaginary requirement that thank you cards be sent to gift givers who were thanked in person).

Did you put where you were registered on your wedding invite too?????

Engraved wedding invitations on a lovely, thick ecru paper, ordered from fancy schmancy store, formal in every way, no registry information at all. I followed all possible elevated, annoyed, pretentious, irritating and holier-than-thou requirements of etiquette to ensure I didn't offend any of the persons who were invited to our wedding (quite a mixed crowd). That said, I am smart enough to recognize that certain standards of etiquette - that which is deemed proper or improper - are very much cultural and/or regional, and what would offend one group (snotballs on DCUM) would not offend another (vast swaths of the rest of our nation). But go ahead and find yourself superior, if it makes you feel better.

You rock.

Anonymous wrote:Seems it's best if you politely decline the invitation. An exasperated guest is not a good guest. And I think you would really like to be a good guest!

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Anonymous wrote:I'm realizing more and more how clueless people are about basic etiquette. I used to think my mom was too hung up on the "rules", but now I appreciate knowing how to properly host things. I was just talking to BIL's fiancee last night about her potluck wedding shower. Her friend is "hosting", her mother is cooking most of the food, and she has asked MIL to bring food as well. Part of her ignorance about etiquette is cultural, but the same can't be said for most people who just don't have a clue.

Who defines etiquette though? I know it's great to be polite but really, it's 2010 not 1940. Sometimes etiquette is as outdated as some of the religious BS of the Catholic Church. Sit, stand, kneel, sit, stand, kneel... Like the blind leading the blind. It's so regional, cultural, and changeable. You etiquette ladies smitten can be classy and far from tacky w/out judging others or following your outdated etiquette books. Sheesh.

Leaving aside the substance of why we need etiquette:

1. The sweeping insult re: millions of practicing Catholics is just mean and gratuitous.
2. You contradict yourself when you say that those rituals of Catholic worship are "so regional, cultural, and changeable." In fact, not much has changed on that score for many hundreds of years.

My point is it is all RITUAL. I am Catholic. It's all MOTIONS. And yes, the church use to be held in Latin, that changed. You say the same crap each mass like a robot. I liken etiquette to that. Snobby, snotty people use etiquette as a reason to judge others for not being or acting like them, or like they think people should be behaving. It's ridiculous.

Calm down. Why are you expending so much energy on this thread and why are you so angry? You are doing exactly what you say others shoudn't do. Do you believe in reincarnation because I wonder if you weren't burned at the stake during the Spanish Inquisition.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm realizing more and more how clueless people are about basic etiquette. I used to think my mom was too hung up on the "rules", but now I appreciate knowing how to properly host things. I was just talking to BIL's fiancee last night about her potluck wedding shower. Her friend is "hosting", her mother is cooking most of the food, and she has asked MIL to bring food as well. Part of her ignorance about etiquette is cultural, but the same can't be said for most people who just don't have a clue.

Who defines etiquette though? I know it's great to be polite but really, it's 2010 not 1940. Sometimes etiquette is as outdated as some of the religious BS of the Catholic Church. Sit, stand, kneel, sit, stand, kneel... Like the blind leading the blind. It's so regional, cultural, and changeable. You etiquette ladies smitten can be classy and far from tacky w/out judging others or following your outdated etiquette books. Sheesh.

Leaving aside the substance of why we need etiquette:

1. The sweeping insult re: millions of practicing Catholics is just mean and gratuitous.
2. You contradict yourself when you say that those rituals of Catholic worship are "so regional, cultural, and changeable." In fact, not much has changed on that score for many hundreds of years.

My point is it is all RITUAL. I am Catholic. It's all MOTIONS. And yes, the church use to be held in Latin, that changed. You say the same crap each mass like a robot. I liken etiquette to that. Snobby, snotty people use etiquette as a reason to judge others for not being or acting like them, or like they think people should be behaving. It's ridiculous.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For all of you knocking the "dollar dance" at weddings, it is very much a cultural thing. Know your audience.

In DC, that means know that everyone will be offended by everything you do or don't do, if it doesn't comply with their very own standards and/or the latest edition of Miss Manners or Emily Post. And if their standards exceed those of MM/EP, you will offend by not meeting their standards (see, e.g., imaginary requirement that thank you cards be sent to gift givers who were thanked in person).

Did you put where you were registered on your wedding invite too?????

Engraved wedding invitations on a lovely, thick ecru paper, ordered from fancy schmancy store, formal in every way, no registry information at all. I followed all possible elevated, annoyed, pretentious, irritating and holier-than-thou requirements of etiquette to ensure I didn't offend any of the persons who were invited to our wedding (quite a mixed crowd). That said, I am smart enough to recognize that certain standards of etiquette - that which is deemed proper or improper - are very much cultural and/or regional, and what would offend one group (snotballs on DCUM) would not offend another (vast swaths of the rest of our nation). But go ahead and find yourself superior, if it makes you feel better.

Anonymous wrote:Wanted to chime in and say I don't find the dollar dance thing offensive-especially given it's a tradition and we're talking about a dollar. The cash tree I think it put out hoping you can rake in big bucks and I have yet to find any evidence it is some tradition going back many years in a culture.

Cash gifts are totally fine as long as they are not expected. We have heard from on these posts about the Korean and Jewish tradition and that did not offend me in the least becomes nobody is told to give money, it's just a tradition among those close to the family.