Anonymous
10/27/2022 13:45
Subject: We can’t afford it but she wants it. What do I say?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Something no one seems to have mentioned:
Sit down to review the numbers but agree that if you don’t both see a way to make it work, then you won’t do it. If you don’t agree here you are in for some serious marital trouble.
Then play with the spreadsheet and see if you can agree on enough changes to make it happen. If you cant, then talk about what you could afford that would address her concerns (tutors, etc).
Sit down and discuss public school and if you don't both see a way to make it work, then you do private.
Where does the money magically come from in this scenario? Lol.
Anonymous
10/27/2022 13:43
Subject: We can’t afford it but she wants it. What do I say?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Nope. You can’t afford it. Don’t teach your kids poor money management.
While you make a very important point, it is also about value systems. Some place a very high value on education and are willing to make substantial sacrifices, while others prioritize money and financial security.
NP and while that's true, not being able to save adequately for retirement is incredibly foolish. You can't borrow for retirement.
Anonymous
10/27/2022 13:41
Subject: Re:We can’t afford it but she wants it. What do I say?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here- we both work. HHI around $220k. We drive older cars hence my car breakdown concerns. We refinanced during the pandemic but it’s now on a 15 year and there’s no way we’d refinance to a 30 year now. (Clearly weren’t anticipating this). We are otherwise fairly conservative on spending- but the DC area is still what it is. The schools being considered are on the cheaper side for private— around $35k for the HS. We may be able to compromise and send them to only HS, but I haven’t approached that yet.
If you could possibly afford $35K/year there is no need to save more for college. College is mostly < $35K/year.
Um, what yesteryear are you living in where college is under 35k a year?
I’m a different poster, but I have two kids in college in-state and both are under that. So…a student who gets some merit and goes in-state? How much do you think in state tuition is?
Anonymous
10/27/2022 13:41
Subject: Re:We can’t afford it but she wants it. What do I say?
Anonymous wrote:OP here- we both work. HHI around $220k. We drive older cars hence my car breakdown concerns. We refinanced during the pandemic but it’s now on a 15 year and there’s no way we’d refinance to a 30 year now. (Clearly weren’t anticipating this). We are otherwise fairly conservative on spending- but the DC area is still what it is. The schools being considered are on the cheaper side for private— around $35k for the HS. We may be able to compromise and send them to only HS, but I haven’t approached that yet.
We have a 15 Year mortgage as well. The 1st few years of it were really tight. We are now 3 years from paying it off - and it coincides with when my 2nd child finishes up high school. This feeds directly into our cash flow model where we will have that additional money that was earmarked for mortgage payment to redirect to college costs.
We have children in a mixture of private and public schools based on each child's needs.
One child is in Catholic High School right now - and tuition is in the low 20s - so the $35K that you are considering is less than the $40+, it is still at the elite levels. Are there other options?
Anonymous
10/27/2022 13:37
Subject: Re:We can’t afford it but she wants it. What do I say?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here- we both work. HHI around $220k. We drive older cars hence my car breakdown concerns. We refinanced during the pandemic but it’s now on a 15 year and there’s no way we’d refinance to a 30 year now. (Clearly weren’t anticipating this). We are otherwise fairly conservative on spending- but the DC area is still what it is. The schools being considered are on the cheaper side for private— around $35k for the HS. We may be able to compromise and send them to only HS, but I haven’t approached that yet.
If you could possibly afford $35K/year there is no need to save more for college. College is mostly < $35K/year.
Not the colleges OP's wife will want them to go to.
Anonymous
10/27/2022 13:37
Subject: We can’t afford it but she wants it. What do I say?
do it dude! Your wife is smart. At the end of the day, you want to make that money worthwhile while you are still relatively young(invest in your kids education) You dont need much money in retirement and being an old fart with a bunch of money is not all its cracked up to be.
Anonymous
10/27/2022 13:34
Subject: Re:We can’t afford it but she wants it. What do I say?
Anonymous wrote:OP here- we both work. HHI around $220k. We drive older cars hence my car breakdown concerns. We refinanced during the pandemic but it’s now on a 15 year and there’s no way we’d refinance to a 30 year now. (Clearly weren’t anticipating this). We are otherwise fairly conservative on spending- but the DC area is still what it is. The schools being considered are on the cheaper side for private— around $35k for the HS. We may be able to compromise and send them to only HS, but I haven’t approached that yet.
I’m more on your side with this updated info, but I don’t think $35k is a given. We get financial aid and pay $12k for a catholic high school. Not top tier but better than the public schools in Moco that are a mess.
Put your heads together and see what you can come up with as alternatives.
Anonymous
10/27/2022 13:34
Subject: We can’t afford it but she wants it. What do I say?
Anonymous wrote:I don’t know who is right but I can tell you one thing for sure: this situation won’t end well. Either she is unreasonable and just wants to keep up with the Joneses, or she is the reasonable one and you are an ass who doesn’t see the situation for how dire it is (with their public school) and are too cheap/lazy.
Either way it spells marital disagreement and possibly divorce
Anonymous
10/27/2022 13:34
Subject: Re:We can’t afford it but she wants it. What do I say?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here- we both work. HHI around $220k. We drive older cars hence my car breakdown concerns. We refinanced during the pandemic but it’s now on a 15 year and there’s no way we’d refinance to a 30 year now. (Clearly weren’t anticipating this). We are otherwise fairly conservative on spending- but the DC area is still what it is. The schools being considered are on the cheaper side for private— around $35k for the HS. We may be able to compromise and send them to only HS, but I haven’t approached that yet.
If you could possibly afford $35K/year there is no need to save more for college. College is mostly < $35K/year.
Um, what yesteryear are you living in where college is under 35k a year?
Anonymous
10/27/2022 13:32
Subject: We can’t afford it but she wants it. What do I say?
Anonymous wrote:Public schools often do a better job in college admissions than privates. Spend extra money on tutors and extracurricular academic programs which will be a tiny amount compared to private school. Your kids will be top dogs at the public and have great college options, including for merit aid.
Focus on math, writing, and science tutoring.
Everybody wins and you can still save for college and retirement.
This is inaccurate in my experience. Public schools do not do better in college admission. Not by a long shot. My kids graduated with 4.7 GPA, so many APs, leadership, ACT of 35 and ended up at a state college. I’m just not sure what you mean. College advising is essentially not offered. In the well regarded public schools here, it is much more difficult to stand out as a superstar academically.
Anonymous
10/27/2022 13:30
Subject: We can’t afford it but she wants it. What do I say?
Anonymous wrote:Nope. You can’t afford it. Don’t teach your kids poor money management.
While you make a very important point, it is also about value systems. Some place a very high value on education and are willing to make substantial sacrifices, while others prioritize money and financial security.
Anonymous
10/27/2022 13:30
Subject: We can’t afford it but she wants it. What do I say?
Anonymous wrote:You have to show her the actual numbers. You have to be prepared with your own financial bottom line on retirement, emergency savings, and college savings.
People like your wife are "fuzzy thinkers" about money. You cannot let their fuzziness, denial, and wishful thinking ruin your own finances.
Sorry to say you'll just have to be very assertive and put your foot down.
If she insists, you may have no other option than to separate finances, if you don't already. That is, you get your own bank account, and your paycheck goes there. You contribute 50% of the joint expenses, and then what you have decided into retirement, emergency savings, and college fund. If she thinks she can pay for private school entirely out of her own money, then she can do that. But I assume she cannot.
I know this sounds harsh, but you can't let her ruin your and your children's economic futures.
It’s doesn’t sound harsh, it sounds clueless. What are you 80? Put the little woman in her place…
Follow this advice, Op, and it won’t end well.
Anonymous
10/27/2022 13:29
Subject: Re:We can’t afford it but she wants it. What do I say?
Remember that tuition will go up every year. I would budget 4-5% each year. Not sure how much you think your income will go up but if your just thinking normal raises not promotion type raises the increase in tuition will probably at least match those raises.
Anonymous
10/27/2022 13:28
Subject: Re:We can’t afford it but she wants it. What do I say?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, this isn’t even something worth a debate. The only parents that put their children through private school are the ones too stupid, slothful, and rapacious to actually spend time reinforcing values and education with their children. It is yet another outsourcing of parental responsibility, pursued only by the most despicable and useless members of society. You’re better than that, OP. Send your kids to a public school and then roll up your sleeves and insist that your DW do some actual hands-on parenting for a change.
If this post is from a public school parent in your district, then I understand your wife's concern.
Nailed it!
+1
Anonymous
10/27/2022 13:27
Subject: Re:We can’t afford it but she wants it. What do I say?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here- we both work. HHI around $220k. We drive older cars hence my car breakdown concerns. We refinanced during the pandemic but it’s now on a 15 year and there’s no way we’d refinance to a 30 year now. (Clearly weren’t anticipating this). We are otherwise fairly conservative on spending- but the DC area is still what it is. The schools being considered are on the cheaper side for private— around $35k for the HS. We may be able to compromise and send them to only HS, but I haven’t approached that yet.
That is our HHI and we cannot afford private for one kid. Private MS-HS for two kids is not affordable for you. Period. Unfortunately moving probably isn't a great solution now due to interest rates, but there are things like more affordable townhouses in Fairfax. You can put your money into tutoring and really nice summer camps instead of moving/private.
My income is less and we did Catholic school K-12.
Good for you. You probably lived in a lower COL time for everything - tuition, housing, college.