Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's just how the 40s and 50s are OP, no matter where you live. Especially if you have an illness or difficult spouse, difficult child and difficult elderly parents.

Does it get better?

Yes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a single person, I am always struck by the number of people who “don’t like their spouses.” Just leave. You have built your own prison. I am a woman who supported myself, and even raised a child to healthy adulthood (whom I adopted as an infant).

I can’t imagine the misery of sharing a bed with someone I can barely tolerate. Facing a lifetime of socializing and vacationing with him??!! Many seem to tell themselves that they stay together for the children, but what are you teaching them about partnership and love??

For those who can’t contemplate a simpler lifestyles, what does that say about you and your values??

It’s not that simple when your life has been intertwined with someone else for many years. And kids are most important. I wouldn’t divorce because it impacts my kids’ quality of life.

This. Disliking your spouse of 15 years is very different from disliking someone you are dating. Some of that "dislike" is actually boredom, over-familiarity, and resentment based on stuff they didn't do wrong but are just difficult aspects of being married to a person longterm. Someone upthread mentioned that some of their unhappiness stems from lack of autonomy, and this is a better description of what happens to couples in middle age than just hating each other. I think most couples who actually hate each other DO break up.

But what most of us are dealing with is something else. I don't hate my spouse, I love him. I'm also tired of him, and frustrated by certain aspects of his personality that I've been living with for two decades and will likely never change. Covid was tough on a marriage like mine, where we love and respect each other but also are at a stage in life where we benefit enormously from having some time apart and a little bit of independence.

Also, something that happens when you've been married long enough and enter this stage of life is that your partner's career and health can come to seriously curtail your own life. Like you might be ready to move to a new city but your partner has 6 years left until their pension vests and moving would mean giving up a ton of retirement money. You might not necessarily resent your spouse for that (the pension benefits you both), but it is weird to have life decisions so curtailed by something so outside your control. Similar when your partner starts experiencing health issues or has to make big lifestyle shifts to address health concerns. It think this contributes a lot to marital resentment and unhappiness in middle age. It's not the same as looking at your spouse and thinking "I just don't like this person." But if you've never been married for a long time you may not be able to wrap your head around how that works.

Anonymous wrote:Low expectations are the key to happiness.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a special needs kid. I quit my job to look after him. This means we are all dependent on my husband's income. He's a hard person to live with and divorce might have been in the cards if I had personal income.

So we have good days and bad days. But I try to remind myself that we are all alive, we have shelter, food and even some extra luxuries, and none of us have terminal diseases. We have pets that make us happy, and we partake in small joys every day. My roses are having their second bloom right now. Every day I literally stop and smell my roses. It makes me happy.

This is a thoughtful and helpful post - thank you. Best of luck to you and your family, PP…

Anonymous wrote:My friends who have faith and a faith community seem happier than those who don’t. Could that be part of it?