Anonymous
Post 09/19/2022 15:56     Subject: Re:My DS is a freshman and is really happy, but I feel depressed that I limited his options.
Op here. Thanks for all the positive responses! Folks are right that this is more about me than my child. I've gotten caught up in a mental loop that every high stat kid in the DMV goes to an elite school and I didn't give my kid that opportunity, but reading these posts reminds me that there are plenty of kids with high stats who go to lower ranked schools than they were accepted or could have been accepted to for a million different reasons. I think I need to pay way less attention to US News and other ranking publications, as well as a few friends who have gotten into my head. Staying off DCUM for a while is not a bad idea either.
Anonymous
Post 09/19/2022 14:57     Subject: Re:My DS is a freshman and is really happy, but I feel depressed that I limited his options.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, I understand you. Both my spouse and I are struggling with the same dilemma.

We are self employed, so retirement, healthcare costs, possible unemployment or disability is all on us. So, we have always put a lot into retirement and savings for this reason. We also have saved for college but not $300K per child, which is what some of these expensive elite privates cost. We also have a younger child.

DC is a top student but a lot of the top private universities don't give out merit aid. So, it's going to be full pay. We make too much for financial aid.

Is the price tag for some of these private universities really worth it? We feel badly if we have to limit DC's college choices simply because of finances, but at the same time, I don't know if it's really worth raiding our savings/retirement for it.

For us, though, DC hasn't applied yet to any colleges, but the list DC put together is not cheap. We've had the money talk with DC, and I feel so badly for limiting DC's choices.


I don't get this attitude AT ALL. My college choices were limited by my parents' finances. This is completely normal. This is just life in this country. You feel bad because (1) you've absorbed the message that the "top private universities" are the best, and (2) you don't have unlimited resources. There are lots of good colleges that produce happy, productive, employable graduates. If your kid graduates without significant debt, they are off to a great start, with far more options than if they graduate with a lot of debt.

PP here.. the reason we feel this way is because we have some savings we could tap into, but as I stated, that would put us in a bit more precarious situation financially due to our self employment status, and the fact that ageism is real in the workplace. No one is going to hire a 60 yr old in our field.

Yes, I realize there are some good colleges that are not as expensive, but we feel badly that DC worked so hard (magnet), top of their class, and yet they cannot go to the college they want because it's so expensive.

So, the question is.. do we put our retirement and future financial security at risk and let DC go where they want, or do we limit DC.

I guess my struggle is that I feel selfish for putting our financial security above DC's desire to go to one of the elite colleges. But, at the same time, I feel like the $80k/yr price tag is not worth it. DC worked really hard, so I guess the question is "was all that hard work worth it if DC doesn't end up at a top tier u?"


Seriously? You need help. Or else you know, deep down, that you are perfectly rational not to risk your financial security and ability to pay for your other kid's educations about your kid's "desire to go to one of the elite colleges," especially as your kid is perfectly happy at the college they are attending.
Anonymous
Post 09/19/2022 14:57     Subject: Re:My DS is a freshman and is really happy, but I feel depressed that I limited his options.
Anonymous wrote:I was your daughter. I was told 'in-state' only. My dad always talked about coming out without any loans and that if I went that route they'd pay for my undergrad.

I'm 52 and I do feel that I definitely could have gone to a higher 'ranked' university and when people get snooty about universities and their alma mater and ask where I went it used to rankle me a lot. A lot has to do with the fact I am much wealthier than my parents now and our neighborhood is filled with Ivies and SLAC alum and I'm even married to a guy that went to a very prestigious top 10 university because he was poor and got pell grants and all kinds of financial merit aid to do so. I was #15 out of a Fairfax County HS of ~550 in my grade, a 4-year varsity sports (and hs state champ), SCA Officer, clubs, etc., you name it.

I loved my time in college and received a great education. I did major and receive a graduate degree in STEM so when these liberal arts/lawyers start getting hoity toity about their alma mater, I can throw that out because my degree in and of itself is in an impressive field...and I have a good career. My graduate school was paid for through a teaching stipend and scholarship so my dad was right about the benefit of coming out of all of that with no student loan debt.

I love Wall Street when Gordon Gekko in Wall Street drops the line "Yeah not bad for a City College boy. I bought my way in now all these Ivy League schmucks are sucking me kneecaps" and I love that some of the people with the 'big name' degrees work for me now--I won't lie .

And, I had a helluva lot more fun at my big State University than my husband had at his pressure cooker non-party school!


I’m confused. If you live in Virginia, and you were supposedly good enough to get into an Ivy, did you not get into UVA, which is a prestigious school?
Anonymous
Post 09/19/2022 14:48     Subject: My DS is a freshman and is really happy, but I feel depressed that I limited his options.
OP: I feel the same for a bit, but let it go...

DD is high stats. Perfect score on the math section of SAT. She's a freshman at a large OOS state university, majoring in engineering. We are also paying around 40k out of pocket. She's having the time of her life. Loves her classes and professors. Loves her roommate. They are making great friends all up and down the hallways. Going to sports games. Joining clubs.

She could have gone to several higher ranked schools in general all over 80k. As a family we decided that double the price tag was not a good idea.

I am not trying to chastise you but what if the situation were reversed? you were paying 80k AND the child was unhappy? That would be bad all around.

Lean into the happiness --and best wishes to you! I do get where you are coming from. You sound like a great mom who wants good fit and best opportunities for your student. That's nothing to be ashamed of!
Anonymous
Post 09/19/2022 14:16     Subject: Re:My DS is a freshman and is really happy, but I feel depressed that I limited his options.
I think you know you have an issue with worrying/negative self-talk and this is how your empty nest syndrome is manifesting. Your option worked out well--your DS is happy in a school you can afford. So you're likely making up a 'problem' so that the feelings you don't want to face about your kid growing up instead become one you're more comfortable with--worrying you didn't do something right for him.
Anonymous
Post 09/19/2022 13:47     Subject: My DS is a freshman and is really happy, but I feel depressed that I limited his options.
I went to a large state school vs small (and higher ranked) liberal arts college because my parents showed me the two bills and said I would be responsible for the difference if I chose the SLAC. It was such a great learning experience in adult decisions, personal finance, and responsibilities. I am really grateful for that.
Anonymous
Post 09/19/2022 13:44     Subject: My DS is a freshman and is really happy, but I feel depressed that I limited his options.
40k a year is a lot. You did your part. If she wanted loans then she could have done that and then would have been paying them forever.
Anonymous
Post 09/19/2022 13:43     Subject: Re:My DS is a freshman and is really happy, but I feel depressed that I limited his options.
OP and others worrying about not being able to afford "top" universities for your kids, understand that some of those top schools are pressure cookers. Do you want your kids be anxious and constantly stressed?
Anonymous
Post 09/19/2022 13:40     Subject: Re:My DS is a freshman and is really happy, but I feel depressed that I limited his options.
OP -- you absolutely did the right thing. Your child is happy and will graduate debt-free. You should not take on debt either. This is a win-win and don't get wrapped up in rankings. You could have taken out all kinds of loans or otherwise indebted yourself and your kid in order to send him/her to top school, and kid could be absolutely miserable.

Set a timer for ten minutes. You have ten minutes to ruminate about this, and then when the timer goes off, you are DONE. You are thankful that your kid is happy, your kid won't be saddled with debt, and you're now going to focus your energies into something else.
Anonymous
Post 09/19/2022 13:09     Subject: Re:My DS is a freshman and is really happy, but I feel depressed that I limited his options.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, I understand you. Both my spouse and I are struggling with the same dilemma.

We are self employed, so retirement, healthcare costs, possible unemployment or disability is all on us. So, we have always put a lot into retirement and savings for this reason. We also have saved for college but not $300K per child, which is what some of these expensive elite privates cost. We also have a younger child.

DC is a top student but a lot of the top private universities don't give out merit aid. So, it's going to be full pay. We make too much for financial aid.

Is the price tag for some of these private universities really worth it? We feel badly if we have to limit DC's college choices simply because of finances, but at the same time, I don't know if it's really worth raiding our savings/retirement for it.

For us, though, DC hasn't applied yet to any colleges, but the list DC put together is not cheap. We've had the money talk with DC, and I feel so badly for limiting DC's choices.


I don't get this attitude AT ALL. My college choices were limited by my parents' finances. This is completely normal. This is just life in this country. You feel bad because (1) you've absorbed the message that the "top private universities" are the best, and (2) you don't have unlimited resources. There are lots of good colleges that produce happy, productive, employable graduates. If your kid graduates without significant debt, they are off to a great start, with far more options than if they graduate with a lot of debt.

PP here.. the reason we feel this way is because we have some savings we could tap into, but as I stated, that would put us in a bit more precarious situation financially due to our self employment status, and the fact that ageism is real in the workplace. No one is going to hire a 60 yr old in our field.

Yes, I realize there are some good colleges that are not as expensive, but we feel badly that DC worked so hard (magnet), top of their class, and yet they cannot go to the college they want because it's so expensive.

So, the question is.. do we put our retirement and future financial security at risk and let DC go where they want, or do we limit DC.

I guess my struggle is that I feel selfish for putting our financial security above DC's desire to go to one of the elite colleges. But, at the same time, I feel like the $80k/yr price tag is not worth it. DC worked really hard, so I guess the question is "was all that hard work worth it if DC doesn't end up at a top tier u?"


You are not selfish and you need to financially secure your later years or that will affect your DC in the future. All that hard work was to advance snd educate your child. She will benefit from all that hard work no matter where she goes to college.
Anonymous
Post 09/19/2022 13:06     Subject: My DS is a freshman and is really happy, but I feel depressed that I limited his options.
OP, I suspect my mom might have felt like you when my older sister went to college, in part because price was a big part of the decision (with my college education also to come). The difference was that my sister was really miserable at the school (bad fit) and seriously considered transferring. Luckily my sister found her people and made the best of it, and I don't think she looks back with too much regret. I hope my mom doesn't either.

College choices are difficult, and the great news is that at the end of a complicated process, your child is happy. That's a victory.
Anonymous
Post 09/19/2022 13:04     Subject: Re:My DS is a freshman and is really happy, but I feel depressed that I limited his options.
Anonymous wrote:Op here - the heading says "his" - it's "her" but whatever.


Op the "his" or "her" thing doesn't matter. Often posts say both to avoid exposing the poster.

Your child is happy and that's what matters. She'll have a great experience and get a good education. And you won't be facing unnecessary debt. Be kind to yourself and let this go. You didn't make any mistakes here.
Anonymous
Post 09/19/2022 12:58     Subject: My DS is a freshman and is really happy, but I feel depressed that I limited his options.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It seems this isn't a her issue or even a college issue. This is a you and your mental health issue and you really need to get a handle on that. What you are doing isn't healthy for you and has the ability to permanently damage your relationship with your daughter. Act like an adult and fix it.


Op here - thanks, I neglected to add that I do realize what you're saying and have begun treatment.


How are you doing OP? Hopefully you realize this is your anxiety speaking. You are feeling guilty over something that is unnecessary.
Anonymous
Post 09/19/2022 12:54     Subject: My DS is a freshman and is really happy, but I feel depressed that I limited his options.
Status should not trump all else. And if you think it does, you should work on feeling internally validated instead of constantly seeking external trappings of worth.

Does it bother you that you can't afford fancy vacations? Luxury vehicles? We all have our lot in life. My kid grew up in a walk up apartment, but she had tons of love and attention. She just graduated from college debt free. Try to learn how to focus on what you have instead of on what you don't. For your own peace of mind.
Anonymous
Post 09/19/2022 12:53     Subject: Re:My DS is a freshman and is really happy, but I feel depressed that I limited his options.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, I understand you. Both my spouse and I are struggling with the same dilemma.

We are self employed, so retirement, healthcare costs, possible unemployment or disability is all on us. So, we have always put a lot into retirement and savings for this reason. We also have saved for college but not $300K per child, which is what some of these expensive elite privates cost. We also have a younger child.

DC is a top student but a lot of the top private universities don't give out merit aid. So, it's going to be full pay. We make too much for financial aid.

Is the price tag for some of these private universities really worth it? We feel badly if we have to limit DC's college choices simply because of finances, but at the same time, I don't know if it's really worth raiding our savings/retirement for it.

For us, though, DC hasn't applied yet to any colleges, but the list DC put together is not cheap. We've had the money talk with DC, and I feel so badly for limiting DC's choices.


I don't get this attitude AT ALL. My college choices were limited by my parents' finances. This is completely normal. This is just life in this country. You feel bad because (1) you've absorbed the message that the "top private universities" are the best, and (2) you don't have unlimited resources. There are lots of good colleges that produce happy, productive, employable graduates. If your kid graduates without significant debt, they are off to a great start, with far more options than if they graduate with a lot of debt.

PP here.. the reason we feel this way is because we have some savings we could tap into, but as I stated, that would put us in a bit more precarious situation financially due to our self employment status, and the fact that ageism is real in the workplace. No one is going to hire a 60 yr old in our field.

Yes, I realize there are some good colleges that are not as expensive, but we feel badly that DC worked so hard (magnet), top of their class, and yet they cannot go to the college they want because it's so expensive.

So, the question is.. do we put our retirement and future financial security at risk and let DC go where they want, or do we limit DC.

I guess my struggle is that I feel selfish for putting our financial security above DC's desire to go to one of the elite colleges. But, at the same time, I feel like the $80k/yr price tag is not worth it. DC worked really hard, so I guess the question is "was all that hard work worth it if DC doesn't end up at a top tier u?"