Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Hang out with" is a subjective term. She's surrounded by people. She will never, ever be in this (imo fortunate) circumstance - surrounded by 30,000 of her peers the same age.

This is why you don’t send passive kids or frankly any teen you really care about to a gigantic university for undergrad. THIS is why families pay a premium for private college. Nobody there cares about her. Nobody there is looking out for her. Nobody even notices if she never leaves her room and skips classes for weeks. And if God forbid something bad happens to her, the university machine will cover it up.

The only thing that gets anyone’s attention there is the check for tuition and room and board not clearing.

This is utterly bizarre. Of course you don't send a painfully shy or extremely introverted person to a large school, if there is a history of social difficulties - as there seems to be with the girl in question. But most kids do great at large schools. They often find it refreshing to be among a lot of people, where they can reinvent themselves or find "their people" - that doesn't often happen at small schools. It sounds very much like you're projecting your own (or your kids') experiences. Large schools can be a TON of fun and provide numerous opportunities that small schools would never be able to. Both have their pros and cons - but your rant against large schools is just absurd.

I don’t understand the obsession with the kids from her high school in a school of 30,000. If she doesn’t have. A good history with them, there are 29,990 other kids to become friends with.

I'm a DP and just want you to know, OP, the posters criticizing you for being involved and concerned are pitiful people who likely never had a relative like you, to whom they felt close enough to confide in them. You're a terrific aunt, and it's clear to me that you're not over-involved, you're attentive to what she's been telling you and you care about her. Some people on DCUM just feel obliged to trash the OPs of nearly any thread of any type, and on the college forum there is a nasty little contingent of people who insist that going away to college means instant adulthood and zero emotional support from home, because, "adult." ....Ignore. You're worth a thousand of them.

People on this forum clearly don't understand that not everyone is capable of just randomly inviting a stranger to lunch. There is nothing wrong with switching schools. I personally made a similar choice and was miserable and depressed for my first two years, after which I finally found a friend group. I should have just transferred.

It's not just the size of the school - some schools are notoriously unfriendly. Mine was. I really wanted to make friends, but clubs were actually competitive and cliquey and the whole school had a similar vibe. Greek life was popular, and in general people just weren't interested in making new friends who weren't already in their exclusive circle.

She needs to focus on academics, and also be looking for a better choice - a school with a reputation for friendly students and a down-to-earth vibe, for example. She can start applying early next year, but she'll need good first semester grades to make it happen.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's a lot of writing.

Agree 100%.

This is a post by a troll. (And this is the first time that I have ever used or written the word "troll".)

To be clear, I should have written that this is a THREAD started by a troll.

I am amazed at the lengths that LAC folks go to in order to perpetuate the romanticized myth of glorious life at an LAC, while spreading falsehoods about non-LACs.

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't she have a roommate? Does the dorm have any meetups/social functions? I was pretty introverted and shy when I started college and I had no problem meeting new people at my huge state school. My roommate and I would grab meals together and hang out together in the first few days, but before long we met a few other girls on our floor and hung out with them as well. Our dorm also had a few floor meetings with the RA a few days after move-in where I met several other people.

Does she know anyone from her high school who goes to the same school (or even a friend of a friend) that she could reach out to? That might be an option as well.

But she's going to have to put herself out there a little. I found it to be pretty easy to meet people at a huge school because there's such a variety of students that there's someone for everyone, so to speak. I think she'd have the same issue even if she went to a smaller school (and it might actually be worse).

+1.

I agree, but there are some small LACs filled with kids who didn't socialize during their high school days.

A kid like this can encounter a much worse environment at a small school where cliques form quickly. LACs can be somewhat isolating for introverted, non-athletes.

If OP in not a troll (which I suspect that OP is), then your kid needs counseling regarding how to socialize and how to make friends.

Large state universities are possibly the easiest place on the planet to find one's group and to make friends.

Anonymous wrote:That's a lot of writing.

Agree 100%.

This is a post by a troll. (And this is the first time that I have ever used or written the word "troll".)

Agree with PP. support exists your niece is either ignoring it or you don’t know what you’re talking about. You sound like an extreme busybody, OP. Why are you so invested in the friendships of your niece? Who is telling you she only had two friends in HS? Is she sharing these things and asking for help? If so, I guarantee there is an RA or an RD who has been arranging activities people can go to together. She can talk to her RA to find a schedule, etc. At the very least, the RA could invite her along and introduce her to people… but your niece has to talk and participate to make friends. They don’t magically happen.

Yes, she is in a big school. Not everyone class is over 100 people. She has at least 1-2 small classes- an English class or science lab or something. She also can make acquaintances with people in class. Sit near people that look nice. Ask them questions, share notes. On Thursday or Friday ask what they are doing this weekend. Say “I hadn’t heard of that event… maybe I’ll check it out.” Then show up.

I am VERY introverted but I still met the people on my hall freshman year and we hung out some. There are hall/building meetings or some such type of things. People were knocking on doors, etc. She just has to respond to opportunities.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's only been 3 weeks! Why do people expect to meet their best friends right away? It took me almost all of freshman year to find my crowd. Yeah it was lonely, but I put myself out there and had some fails. She'll survive. People need to stop freaking out about unhappy freshman. It's very very common. Let them figure it out!

It’s 2022 grandma. Campus social life moves at light speed. Everyone has a cell phone, social media. If you don’t have friends by week 3 or 4 it’s brutal and you’re in a hole. And no sage wisdom from some boomer auntie is going to help. If auntie really wants to help fix this: Tell the niece you’ll pay for her sorority dues for 4 years. It’s a no-brainer. Push her to rush nice mid-tier sororities.

+1

How is someone like this going to make it past rush? Doesn’t that require way more social initiative than sitting down with randoms at the dining hall?

As long as it’s not an SEC school it won’t be hard if she focused on mid tier and lower houses.

A school of 30,000 kids and there’s no support for the students to make and build friendships? It sounds like your niece needs to reevaluate her role in this.
The fact that she had this problem in high school tells me that she prob didn’t learn how to adapt and be part of a community. First of all, you need to tell her that she’s going to get out of her experience, what she puts in. She needs to be curious and join clubs. You can’t build friendships if you aren’t willing to put yourself out there. Nobody is going to get to know her if she’s not present. In a school of 30,000 kids, you can’t tell me the school hasn’t put services out there for kids to mingle, get to know each other, or have activities to get involved in. She has to find something she’s interested in and start attending. Learn something new.

OP has gotten some good suggestions, but here are a few ideas:

If she's at all religious, go to services on campus.

Go to class early. It's easy to exchange a few words about the class with other people who have also come early. If you always arrive at the last possible second, you're unlikely to have a conversation.

Wear a T-shirt or other clothing item or accessory that might lead someone else to start a conversation with you--from a favorite band, sports team, movie, Broadway show, book, resort, etc.

If you sit down to eat alone, do NOT read something, wear headphones, etc. Other people are not going to say "Do you mind if I sit here?" or "Can I join you?" because it makes it seem like you want to eat alone. It's hard and uncomfortable to sit there and eat with no "defenses," but people are more likely to sit down with you.

Go to a few less popular events and, again, go early. Go watch modern dance troupe's performance, a jazz band performance, the freshman chorus, a junior varsity game. It doesn't matter if you don't know anything about the event--people are glad to explain. Whatever. If you're early, ask if you can set up chairs, fold programs, or...whatever needs to be done. People who pitch in to help are always appreciated.

If she gets invited to another party, go early. It's a lot easier to get involved in the conversation at the beginning of a party rather than when it's in full swing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(1) You go to meals with your roommate. Or you knock on doors and say, "I'm headed to the dining hall, anyone want to join me?"
(2) You get to the dining hall and see people sitting at a table who look like they just got there and say, "mind if I sit here?" and they say, "Sure," and you sit down.
(3) You join one of the 18 bazillion clubs, rec sports teams, or student organizations that exist on big campuses.

This^^^
Also add: 4) you do things that normally wouldn't interest you (Ie. my kid is attending sporting events, playing basketball---she's never done that, hated PE and regular sports except gymnastics and dance. Yet she is at the gym 3-4/wk doing it with her roommate/floormates) just anything so you are with people> and when you are with people you need to be actively "faking it until you make it", so talking and participating. Who knows, you might find new things you like, and as a bonus you meet people.

+100
I am as non-sporty/athletic as they come and my hallmates persuaded me to join their intramural basketball team. I was scared to death and so awkward, but I actually did ok and had a blast. Those girls became my close friends.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Hang out with" is a subjective term. She's surrounded by people. She will never, ever be in this (imo fortunate) circumstance - surrounded by 30,000 of her peers the same age.

This is why you don’t send passive kids or frankly any teen you really care about to a gigantic university for undergrad. THIS is why families pay a premium for private college. Nobody there cares about her. Nobody there is looking out for her. Nobody even notices if she never leaves her room and skips classes for weeks. And if God forbid something bad happens to her, the university machine will cover it up.

The only thing that gets anyone’s attention there is the check for tuition and room and board not clearing.

This is utterly bizarre. Of course you don't send a painfully shy or extremely introverted person to a large school, if there is a history of social difficulties - as there seems to be with the girl in question. But most kids do great at large schools. They often find it refreshing to be among a lot of people, where they can reinvent themselves or find "their people" - that doesn't often happen at small schools. It sounds very much like you're projecting your own (or your kids') experiences. Large schools can be a TON of fun and provide numerous opportunities that small schools would never be able to. Both have their pros and cons - but your rant against large schools is just absurd.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's only been 3 weeks! Why do people expect to meet their best friends right away? It took me almost all of freshman year to find my crowd. Yeah it was lonely, but I put myself out there and had some fails. She'll survive. People need to stop freaking out about unhappy freshman. It's very very common. Let them figure it out!

It’s 2022 grandma. Campus social life moves at light speed. Everyone has a cell phone, social media. If you don’t have friends by week 3 or 4 it’s brutal and you’re in a hole. And no sage wisdom from some boomer auntie is going to help. If auntie really wants to help fix this: Tell the niece you’ll pay for her sorority dues for 4 years. It’s a no-brainer. Push her to rush nice mid-tier sororities.

+1

How is someone like this going to make it past rush? Doesn’t that require way more social initiative than sitting down with randoms at the dining hall?

Mid-tier isn’t as cutthroat and has nice girls who will understand she’s shy. Being pretty and genuinely nice ought to make her a shoo-in.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's only been 3 weeks! Why do people expect to meet their best friends right away? It took me almost all of freshman year to find my crowd. Yeah it was lonely, but I put myself out there and had some fails. She'll survive. People need to stop freaking out about unhappy freshman. It's very very common. Let them figure it out!

It’s 2022 grandma. Campus social life moves at light speed. Everyone has a cell phone, social media. If you don’t have friends by week 3 or 4 it’s brutal and you’re in a hole. And no sage wisdom from some boomer auntie is going to help. If auntie really wants to help fix this: Tell the niece you’ll pay for her sorority dues for 4 years. It’s a no-brainer. Push her to rush nice mid-tier sororities.

+1

How is someone like this going to make it past rush? Doesn’t that require way more social initiative than sitting down with randoms at the dining hall?

The first 2-3 weeks of college are key. Once others start making friends/form groups it can be extremely difficult for a shy/introverted/anxious person to break into a group,

There are 30,000 students
so, no