Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the mean girl behavior is much more prevalent in schools with a high percentage of UMC girls. My DD does to a high FARMS school (but we are UMC) and says there are no “mean girls” or “popular girls” type groups. It is a very diverse group of kids and they all manage to get along

We have the same experience. My kids' schools are Title 1 and majority POC. I don't know, maybe it's because the UMC parents who aren't afraid to send their kids to a school like this are more open-minded and less into materialism? My 7th grade DD hasn't experienced anything like what OP is describing. She met a new girl and invited her to join her for lunch. She gets along with most of the kids . . . the only issues are a single kid being homophobic or generally mean on a group text and other kids calling them out.

Our school is predominantly Hispanic and FARMS. The UMC kids generally don’t mix with the FARMs population.
There are definitely cliques and mean girls in both groups. I have one child who is in honors classes and whose friends are MC/UMC and one in gen ed whose friends are largely low income. The groups tend to have similar issues, but one group has a higher rate of physical violence.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try a new school. At my kid's school (she's in 8th now) is is completely unacceptable to make fun of people because of their race, disability, weight, clothes, looks, sexual orientation, or gender identity. There is still room to be bullied about other stuff (sports, academics, being annoying) but it is way less than the hell I went through as a middle schooler.

And what do you do when the bully is the president of the DEI club? I don’t think SES has anything to do with it. Some kids are just mean, they learn exclusion and social climbing from their parents, and we hope they eventually grow out of it. In the meantime, they’re just mean.

I also think adults proclaiming that they have a school where no kids are mean is so delusional. You're not their age. Accept that you largely have no clue what is actually going on. Kids are very good at keeping their world private. And a lot of them will show one face to adults and act totally differently with peers. They're not dumb.

+10000

\


Times Infinity. I've experienced this first hand when my kid was having an issue with a girl widely believed to be sweet, quiet, etc. The level of piling on, the viciousness in the texts she send my child, the social exclusion she orchestrated. . . . I was surprised that this was the same kid. This sort of behavior has continued in a lesser form this year.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids go through adolescence. That is not going to change.

The single best thing to do when kids are in these years is to have them involved in other stuff going on out of school. Sports, art, music, theater, scouting, whatever. Then there are always things for them to think about, plan around, and do. Things don’t go great in one area - there can be positives elsewhere.

Mind you - They don’t have to be superstars elsewhere. Just have stuff they like to do with others. I do recommend some physical activity even if your kid is not into sports. Everyone needs to be reasonably fit. And, it gives some level of self-confidence. Swim, rock climb, weightlift, whatever.

+2 - good advice. Aside from the physical and emotional benefits, my DD’s sports really helped her socially. She had a rough 7th grade and her saving grace was her group of friends from her non-school sport. When things went south for awhile at school she was able to hang with this other group of close friends.

eh. sure, but the mean girls at my DD's school were also heavily involved with sports.

At our school the popular girls are the rich athletic girls who have the money for travel sports and don't hang out with non-athletic, lower-income girls.

Our experience on a high-performing HS team, the girls def engage in this behavior. There is a group of girls on our team that has a reputation for being not that nice. They are pretty insular and the "first stringers" only hang together.

Anonymous wrote:I think the mean girl behavior is much more prevalent in schools with a high percentage of UMC girls. My DD does to a high FARMS school (but we are UMC) and says there are no “mean girls” or “popular girls” type groups. It is a very diverse group of kids and they all manage to get along

We have the same experience. My kids' schools are Title 1 and majority POC. I don't know, maybe it's because the UMC parents who aren't afraid to send their kids to a school like this are more open-minded and less into materialism? My 7th grade DD hasn't experienced anything like what OP is describing. She met a new girl and invited her to join her for lunch. She gets along with most of the kids . . . the only issues are a single kid being homophobic or generally mean on a group text and other kids calling them out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is only a problem for girls that want to a part of what they perceive as the “popular” group but they aren’t/can’t. If your child is happy with the themselves and happy to be friends with those that want to be their friends- there isn’t this drama

Ok, bully.

Do you know what a bully is?

Anonymous wrote:I think this is only a problem for girls that want to a part of what they perceive as the “popular” group but they aren’t/can’t. If your child is happy with the themselves and happy to be friends with those that want to be their friends- there isn’t this drama

Ok, bully.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try a new school. At my kid's school (she's in 8th now) is is completely unacceptable to make fun of people because of their race, disability, weight, clothes, looks, sexual orientation, or gender identity. There is still room to be bullied about other stuff (sports, academics, being annoying) but it is way less than the hell I went through as a middle schooler.

And what do you do when the bully is the president of the DEI club? I don’t think SES has anything to do with it. Some kids are just mean, they learn exclusion and social climbing from their parents, and we hope they eventually grow out of it. In the meantime, they’re just mean.

I also think adults proclaiming that they have a school where no kids are mean is so delusional. You're not their age. Accept that you largely have no clue what is actually going on. Kids are very good at keeping their world private. And a lot of them will show one face to adults and act totally differently with peers. They're not dumb.

+10000

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try a new school. At my kid's school (she's in 8th now) is is completely unacceptable to make fun of people because of their race, disability, weight, clothes, looks, sexual orientation, or gender identity. There is still room to be bullied about other stuff (sports, academics, being annoying) but it is way less than the hell I went through as a middle schooler.

And what do you do when the bully is the president of the DEI club? I don’t think SES has anything to do with it. Some kids are just mean, they learn exclusion and social climbing from their parents, and we hope they eventually grow out of it. In the meantime, they’re just mean.

I also think adults proclaiming that they have a school where no kids are mean is so delusional. You're not their age. Accept that you largely have no clue what is actually going on. Kids are very good at keeping their world private. And a lot of them will show one face to adults and act totally differently with peers. They're not dumb.

Per DD, the "rude girls" (she says they aren't mean, just rude and uppity) are friends with the teachers, and have secret greetings or some such with some of them. DD is a little puzzled by this, because she says that by and large, they are not particularly good students, although they are well behaved in the classroom.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try a new school. At my kid's school (she's in 8th now) is is completely unacceptable to make fun of people because of their race, disability, weight, clothes, looks, sexual orientation, or gender identity. There is still room to be bullied about other stuff (sports, academics, being annoying) but it is way less than the hell I went through as a middle schooler.

And what do you do when the bully is the president of the DEI club? I don’t think SES has anything to do with it. Some kids are just mean, they learn exclusion and social climbing from their parents, and we hope they eventually grow out of it. In the meantime, they’re just mean.

I also think adults proclaiming that they have a school where no kids are mean is so delusional. You're not their age. Accept that you largely have no clue what is actually going on. Kids are very good at keeping their world private. And a lot of them will show one face to adults and act totally differently with peers. They're not dumb.

Anonymous wrote:Try a new school. At my kid's school (she's in 8th now) is is completely unacceptable to make fun of people because of their race, disability, weight, clothes, looks, sexual orientation, or gender identity. There is still room to be bullied about other stuff (sports, academics, being annoying) but it is way less than the hell I went through as a middle schooler.

And what do you do when the bully is the president of the DEI club? I don’t think SES has anything to do with it. Some kids are just mean, they learn exclusion and social climbing from their parents, and we hope they eventually grow out of it. In the meantime, they’re just mean.

My 7th grader tells me that there are a bunch of girls that strut around like they own the place, but the rest of them just roll their eyes and pay them no mind. Their attempts at minor league bullying (for instance, one of DD’s friends is overweight despite being really athletic, and self conscious about it, making her a target) don’t work, because other kids are willing to stand up to them and tell them off. They’re fiercely loyal.

OP, you may want to have a conversation with your DD about what friendship actually is. And as others have suggested, get her involved in activities so she can get away from the clique. DD tells me that the orchestra (she’s in one), band, drama, etc. kids absolutely have each other’s backs.

I agree with the poster who said a larger school is better -- there are many groups and cliques and things blend together more than the small suburban school with the hierarchies. My kids have about 500 people in their grade and while there are definitely packs of kids it's not as divided in my observation because everyone can find someone to hang out with, whereas my smaller rural-suburban school was brutal with a clique of like nine cool girls and the rest of us peasants.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids go through adolescence. That is not going to change.

The single best thing to do when kids are in these years is to have them involved in other stuff going on out of school. Sports, art, music, theater, scouting, whatever. Then there are always things for them to think about, plan around, and do. Things don’t go great in one area - there can be positives elsewhere.

Mind you - They don’t have to be superstars elsewhere. Just have stuff they like to do with others. I do recommend some physical activity even if your kid is not into sports. Everyone needs to be reasonably fit. And, it gives some level of self-confidence. Swim, rock climb, weightlift, whatever.

+2 - good advice. Aside from the physical and emotional benefits, my DD’s sports really helped her socially. She had a rough 7th grade and her saving grace was her group of friends from her non-school sport. When things went south for awhile at school she was able to hang with this other group of close friends.

eh. sure, but the mean girls at my DD's school were also heavily involved with sports.

At our school the popular girls are the rich athletic girls who have the money for travel sports and don't hang out with non-athletic, lower-income girls.

Teen life is much better in a large school.

it was truly horrible in the 80s for me but i survived. you have to learn how to live in the real world with these biatches.