Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You set him up to fail by not only putting him in charge of something so important for a family event, but also adding an extra mystery size of an identical product into the mix. My husband can be a bit careless sometimes. Two things:

1) I would put him in charge of packing, but if it was something mission-critical like wedding wear, I’d either double check the items were packed myself, or I would ask him, “Did you pack Jimmy and Bobby’s tuxes?”

2) Going into a situation like that, I would have already removed the extraneous size from the mix and stored it or what have you.

For anyone who claims that would be enabling bad behavior…yeah, but he’s clearly not going to become a careful, think-it-through, follow-through person overnight just because of magical thinking.

For everyday stuff, if he forgets to pack his own sunglasses for the beach, oh well, looks like he’ll have to go to Sunsations and make do with what he can find. For a family wedding involving flights, I’m going to make sure we all have our full and proper outfits packed.

We play to our strengths: I help keep him organized, and he’s the one who talks me down when I’m spiraling out from anxiety.

I admire you because I would have been divorced long ago.

He takes care of a million things that I cannot or really don’t want to do, including our taxes, all lawn/yard work (which on our property is significant), dealing with cars (including taking mine to get emissions inspections and things like that), “gross” stuff like cleaning out the compost bin, and dealing with repair people. Like I said, we play to our strengths, and I honestly feel our division of labor comes out fairly even.

Not only does the division of labor come out even, but he “takes over” when I’m experiencing depression and/or anxiety, and that is not insignificant. Especially during the pandemic. So if I find myself buying a few more special-event outfits and packing a few more suitcases, I can live with that. If you would divorce over that, I guess that’s on you. If you’d blow up your children’s lives over a few extra suitcases, good for you?

Anonymous wrote:I don’t assign things to my H that I care about. So if you assign something important to you that’s the mistake.

All of this "you set yourself up to fail" talk is amazing. It's no wonder never married women without children are the happiest. I think I would have regretted not having children very deeply, but marriage has certainly been a disappointment.

Anonymous wrote:My Dh is so careless with things sometimes. I put him in charge of the tuxes for my children who were in the bridal party and he didn’t check the sizes he grabbed before our flights (we had ordered one extra for my older son to try two sizes) so my 40lb just turned 4 year old had to wear a tux he was swimming in. I had no choice with an hours notice but to help him fold it up but it would have looked so much better and he was in so many pro pics. It was also $170 for each outfit. I told my DH he needs to slow down and just check what he’s doing because it happens a lot and his whole attitude was what does it matter if he’s wearing the right size or not? He’s normally a 4T and like I said we ordered and had it for him, it just didn’t make it in the suitcase. This is his family’s wedding.

I would be furious.

Anonymous wrote:I am sick of people using ADHD as an excuse for laziness and incompetence.

+1, if you have ADHD you need to figure out how to manage it. I have empathy for people just diagnosed or never diagnosed, who may not be getting the treatment they need. But if it’s a known issue and you’re an adult with decent health insurance, you need to figure out how to deal with it. I deal with two chronic issues and it sucks but I have to take respobsibility for them. I can’t just allow them to mess things up for other people and shrug like I can’t do anything.

If it was so obvious he’d wear the size 4, why did you order a size 5? And then keep it with the others once you knew it was the wrong size?

Anonymous wrote:I think you are making a big deal out of nothing. He did the task - both kids had tuxes for the wedding.

Most kids that age look ridiculous in tuxedos anyway, so it really doesn't matter if they fit properly or not.

Exactly. Who cares. Who cares about anything.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sick of people using ADHD as an excuse for laziness and incompetence.

I’m sick of people not treating disorders because of the stigma surrounding them. I’m also sick of people acting like we’re all on a level playing field and all have the same organizational capabilities when a huge number of us need extra tools. I’m really sick of people saying ADHD makes you lazy and incompetent, because there are other issues at play here (social stigma re: mental health treatment, shaming people who are neurodiverse, ignorance about ADHD, contributing to others’ mental health issues, etc).

Make no mistake. Living with someone who has untreated, unmanaged mental disorders is not healthy for anyone of any age or gender or role. It can really be destructive to others physical, emotional and mental health. Even if diagnosed. Make the efforts to manage your symptoms if they are negatively affecting your life or others lives.

Anonymous wrote:The sexism on this thread is nauseating. If a new wife appeared saying her nephews were wearing the wrong clothes, you people would be asking her why she didn’t remind her sister in law, not the boys father.

OP I’d be annoyed at the lack of remorse and the willful misunderstanding that the kids showing up *dressed correctly* is the bare minimum of participation in a wedding party.

Yes and no. If this is a regular thing in their relationship, she’s contributing to the dynamic. If it’s regular, he’s got issues that he needs to treat and she needs to stop enabling. But it needs to be done constructively and productively. If she’s usually “in charge” that’s a problem, but she also shouldn’t pick an out of town wedding where they’re all in the bridal party to take a stand. Everyone is stressed out, off schedule, and on display. It’s a time for teamwork and helping each other and playing to everyone’s strengths, not the time for a sink or swim approach (unless you’re okay with letting people sink publicly). If it’s a regular thing, they need a plan now that the wedding is over for how to make things more even and less burdensome for one partner. That might include him taking on more, him getting a diagnosis and treatment, outsourcing more, her relaxing standards, couples counseling, separate households, or a mixture of those.

If it’s a one off mistake, well, nobody’s perfect. OP stated earlier that she does more of the household management stuff, so if he’s already capable and has the skills necessary, he should be doing more so it’s not such an uneven distribution of chores.

Anonymous wrote:I am sick of people using ADHD as an excuse for laziness and incompetence.

I’m sick of people not treating disorders because of the stigma surrounding them. I’m also sick of people acting like we’re all on a level playing field and all have the same organizational capabilities when a huge number of us need extra tools. I’m really sick of people saying ADHD makes you lazy and incompetent, because there are other issues at play here (social stigma re: mental health treatment, shaming people who are neurodiverse, ignorance about ADHD, contributing to others’ mental health issues, etc).

I think you are making a big deal out of nothing. He did the task - both kids had tuxes for the wedding.

Most kids that age look ridiculous in tuxedos anyway, so it really doesn't matter if they fit properly or not.

The sexism on this thread is nauseating. If a new wife appeared saying her nephews were wearing the wrong clothes, you people would be asking her why she didn’t remind her sister in law, not the boys father.

OP I’d be annoyed at the lack of remorse and the willful misunderstanding that the kids showing up *dressed correctly* is the bare minimum of participation in a wedding party.

I am sick of people using ADHD as an excuse for laziness and incompetence.

Anonymous wrote:You set him up to fail by not only putting him in charge of something so important for a family event, but also adding an extra mystery size of an identical product into the mix. My husband can be a bit careless sometimes. Two things:

1) I would put him in charge of packing, but if it was something mission-critical like wedding wear, I’d either double check the items were packed myself, or I would ask him, “Did you pack Jimmy and Bobby’s tuxes?”

2) Going into a situation like that, I would have already removed the extraneous size from the mix and stored it or what have you.

For anyone who claims that would be enabling bad behavior…yeah, but he’s clearly not going to become a careful, think-it-through, follow-through person overnight just because of magical thinking.

For everyday stuff, if he forgets to pack his own sunglasses for the beach, oh well, looks like he’ll have to go to Sunsations and make do with what he can find. For a family wedding involving flights, I’m going to make sure we all have our full and proper outfits packed.

We play to our strengths: I help keep him organized, and he’s the one who talks me down when I’m spiraling out from anxiety.

I admire you because I would have been divorced long ago.

Anonymous wrote:My Dh is so careless with things sometimes. I put him in charge of the tuxes for my children who were in the bridal party and he didn’t check the sizes he grabbed before our flights (we had ordered one extra for my older son to try two sizes) so my 40lb just turned 4 year old had to wear a tux he was swimming in. I had no choice with an hours notice but to help him fold it up but it would have looked so much better and he was in so many pro pics. It was also $170 for each outfit. I told my DH he needs to slow down and just check what he’s doing because it happens a lot and his whole attitude was what does it matter if he’s wearing the right size or not? He’s normally a 4T and like I said we ordered and had it for him, it just didn’t make it in the suitcase. This is his family’s wedding.

Yes. I would be livid particularly if he does things like this a lot.

I wouldn’t give my husband a task like this because he would just pick whatever was on top. I pack everything in the diaper bag when supplies are getting low, and I pack everything kid related for vacations. He just doesn’t do it the way I would. Play to peoples strengths, you know