Anonymous
08/04/2022 15:40
Subject: Re:If you’re staying together for the kids, do you acknowledge it?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think the reason the counselor might have said this is because it's too hard on the mom if a kid doesn't have any self-sufficiency and the care and money for kids just tends to go downhill once people divorce. But I'm just guessing.
It’s definitely one factor. We waited until DS was 10 which has costs and benefits. I was in no way ready when he was 5.
Thank you for responding with some intelligence which the OP did not. I was the sci if mentally insane poster just trying to help in a moment I had since I had to decide this myself but for kids older than hers and not five. But I’m not going to do it if any OP wants to engage and affirm posters just trying to derail threads. What ends up happening is that I end up spending more time than the OP on the topic and I don’t even need the help. Seems like this time traveler won’t go away so will have to find another outlet for discussion.
What in the world?!
If you are OP, one of your issues is that you are rude. But what I was saying is that Jeff is not policing the relationship forum and there is a poster that goes on every thread and just tries to derail conversations by saying to any problem" Too bad for you. Should have made a better past decision." It's just derailment. After showing up in about 50 threads it's obvious something is missing in this person's life and not that they just happen to have help on any number of topics. You could say that about jobs. About the home you choose. About the school you chose. Etc. It's kind of a given that if you have a problem, it's very possible that you could be more discerning about any number of things. But it's unhelpful because you can't recreate the past typically and redo like a computer program. We only live once and at some point have to make a decision and move forward. And sometimes you write a program of life and some bug comes in and messes up the system that you didn't account for. You didn't even know about this bug and wouldn't have if you had two years to figure it out. So you just have to cut your losses and move on rather than reminiscing about how better things could have been if you had just made some better decision in the past or foolproofed your marriage better.
Dp
The irony is that you are detaining the thread with your incoherent ramblings.
Anonymous
08/04/2022 15:38
Subject: Re:If you’re staying together for the kids, do you acknowledge it?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think the reason the counselor might have said this is because it's too hard on the mom if a kid doesn't have any self-sufficiency and the care and money for kids just tends to go downhill once people divorce. But I'm just guessing.
It’s definitely one factor. We waited until DS was 10 which has costs and benefits. I was in no way ready when he was 5.
Thank you for responding with some intelligence which the OP did not. I was the sci if mentally insane poster just trying to help in a moment I had since I had to decide this myself but for kids older than hers and not five. But I’m not going to do it if any OP wants to engage and affirm posters just trying to derail threads. What ends up happening is that I end up spending more time than the OP on the topic and I don’t even need the help. Seems like this time traveler won’t go away so will have to find another outlet for discussion.
What in the world?!
If you are OP, one of your issues is that you are rude. But what I was saying is that Jeff is not policing the relationship forum and there is a poster that goes on every thread and just tries to derail conversations by saying to any problem" Too bad for you. Should have made a better past decision." It's just derailment. After showing up in about 50 threads it's obvious something is missing in this person's life and not that they just happen to have help on any number of topics. You could say that about jobs. About the home you choose. About the school you chose. Etc. It's kind of a given that if you have a problem, it's very possible that you could be more discerning about any number of things. But it's unhelpful because you can't recreate the past typically and redo like a computer program. We only live once and at some point have to make a decision and move forward. And sometimes you write a program of life and some bug comes in and messes up the system that you didn't account for. You didn't even know about this bug and wouldn't have if you had two years to figure it out. So you just have to cut your losses and move on rather than reminiscing about how better things could have been if you had just made some better decision in the past or foolproofed your marriage better.
Someone may have started drinking early in the day.
Anonymous
08/04/2022 15:36
Subject: Re:If you’re staying together for the kids, do you acknowledge it?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think the reason the counselor might have said this is because it's too hard on the mom if a kid doesn't have any self-sufficiency and the care and money for kids just tends to go downhill once people divorce. But I'm just guessing.
It’s definitely one factor. We waited until DS was 10 which has costs and benefits. I was in no way ready when he was 5.
Thank you for responding with some intelligence which the OP did not. I was the sci if mentally insane poster just trying to help in a moment I had since I had to decide this myself but for kids older than hers and not five. But I’m not going to do it if any OP wants to engage and affirm posters just trying to derail threads. What ends up happening is that I end up spending more time than the OP on the topic and I don’t even need the help. Seems like this time traveler won’t go away so will have to find another outlet for discussion.
What in the world?!
If you are OP, one of your issues is that you are rude. But what I was saying is that Jeff is not policing the relationship forum and there is a poster that goes on every thread and just tries to derail conversations by saying to any problem" Too bad for you. Should have made a better past decision." It's just derailment. After showing up in about 50 threads it's obvious something is missing in this person's life and not that they just happen to have help on any number of topics. You could say that about jobs. About the home you choose. About the school you chose. Etc. It's kind of a given that if you have a problem, it's very possible that you could be more discerning about any number of things. But it's unhelpful because you can't recreate the past typically and redo like a computer program. We only live once and at some point have to make a decision and move forward. And sometimes you write a program of life and some bug comes in and messes up the system that you didn't account for. You didn't even know about this bug and wouldn't have if you had two years to figure it out. So you just have to cut your losses and move on rather than reminiscing about how better things could have been if you had just made some better decision in the past or foolproofed your marriage better.
Anonymous
08/04/2022 15:27
Subject: Re:If you’re staying together for the kids, do you acknowledge it?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think the reason the counselor might have said this is because it's too hard on the mom if a kid doesn't have any self-sufficiency and the care and money for kids just tends to go downhill once people divorce. But I'm just guessing.
It’s definitely one factor. We waited until DS was 10 which has costs and benefits. I was in no way ready when he was 5.
Thank you for responding with some intelligence which the OP did not. I was the sci if mentally insane poster just trying to help in a moment I had since I had to decide this myself but for kids older than hers and not five. But I’m not going to do it if any OP wants to engage and affirm posters just trying to derail threads. What ends up happening is that I end up spending more time than the OP on the topic and I don’t even need the help. Seems like this time traveler won’t go away so will have to find another outlet for discussion.
What in the world?!
Anonymous
08/04/2022 15:23
Subject: Re:If you’re staying together for the kids, do you acknowledge it?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think the reason the counselor might have said this is because it's too hard on the mom if a kid doesn't have any self-sufficiency and the care and money for kids just tends to go downhill once people divorce. But I'm just guessing.
It’s definitely one factor. We waited until DS was 10 which has costs and benefits. I was in no way ready when he was 5.
Thank you for responding with some intelligence which the OP did not. I was the sci if mentally insane poster just trying to help in a moment I had since I had to decide this myself but for kids older than hers and not five. But I’m not going to do it if any OP wants to engage and affirm posters just trying to derail threads. What ends up happening is that I end up spending more time than the OP on the topic and I don’t even need the help. Seems like this time traveler won’t go away so will have to find another outlet for discussion.
Anonymous
08/04/2022 15:23
Subject: Re:If you’re staying together for the kids, do you acknowledge it?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Picking the right spouse would’ve been the right thing to do.
I agree. I messed up. I should have heeded red flags. I didn’t
Then don’t blame your husband. You are at fault here.
Ok thanks. The questions really about when to do it for the kids sake. I’m hearing more people say sooner than later.
For the kids sake? You are beyond that.
This. The kid should be in therapy, too.
Anonymous
08/04/2022 15:18
Subject: If you’re staying together for the kids, do you acknowledge it?
Pro tip. If you choose to "stay together for the kids" then do both of you a favor and give him an official hall pass so he won't have to keep sneaking around for sex. Saves everyone lots of hassle.
Anonymous
08/04/2022 14:18
Subject: If you’re staying together for the kids, do you acknowledge it?
OP - I suggest getting really specific with yourself first, then with your husband (maybe in therapy?) about what staying together means for you and why. Write it down in detail. Does this mean trying to continue to "save" the marriage? Sleeping in separate rooms but doing family activities together? Vacations separate or together? Still having sex with each other? With others? Sharing of expenses? Are you actually ready for divorce? Or are you pretending to yourself that you are but are actually terrified and blaming kids for this? Unless your marriage was purely a transactional / legal event from the outset, your marriage may already be over - so in order to transition to the next stage, you need honesty about what that looks like. If you and your DH are capable of living civilly together "for the kids" then you are also capable of divorcing civilly "for the kids" and living more authentically as adults.
Anonymous
08/04/2022 13:58
Subject: Re:If you’re staying together for the kids, do you acknowledge it?
Anonymous wrote:I think the reason the counselor might have said this is because it's too hard on the mom if a kid doesn't have any self-sufficiency and the care and money for kids just tends to go downhill once people divorce. But I'm just guessing.
It’s definitely one factor. We waited until DS was 10 which has costs and benefits. I was in no way ready when he was 5.
Anonymous
08/04/2022 13:56
Subject: If you’re staying together for the kids, do you acknowledge it?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Title says it all. Marriage counselor hadn’t said explicitly to divorce but she’s clearly as disgusted with DH as I am. Hinted that divorce would be hard on my 5 year old, at least in junior high DS would be able to understand better. I’m not going to make it until the kids are in college. Maybe I can fake it a few more years? Anyone else do this?
Best way is to start looking for a new partner discretely right now.
I came to realize this when DD is 3. Within 2 years I found a nice man who I am very compatible on so many levels. Then got married within 3 months of divorce. Especially if you want more children no point in waiting until divorce to find a husband.
It also has the advantage of taking your mind away from your DH.
Lol. I didn’t do this but can’t totally disagree.
Anonymous
08/04/2022 13:54
Subject: Re:If you’re staying together for the kids, do you acknowledge it?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Picking the right spouse would’ve been the right thing to do.
I agree. I messed up. I should have heeded red flags. I didn’t
And you think this is helpful for you to move forward? I thought that was kind of a given. But if this is the "advice" you need then peace out. Won't waste my time. Why don't we just make this the response to all relationship threads and save ourselves the time of educating other people on how to move forward with their problems for free and let them pay for their own therapy? Glad this person was helpful for you. Won't visit again.
WTF. You are angry at OP for not getting angry at the PP? I agree they were being an absolute d**k, but still.
That same person or bot comes on every thread and says the same thing and makes some false assumption that somehow making a bad decision in the past and wanting to move forward away from that decision into something better means you don't take responsibility for the past which is both untrue and unhelpful and this OP basically gives her credit for her "great idea" to go back in time and fix her past decision, so yeah, I am. I want this time traveler to get off the relationship discussion thread. They derail every discussion and waste people's good ideas to help. I'm not going to make a comment after careful thinking and then have this bot every time pipe up about how really the problem is your responsibility for your past decision.
I’m OP and I’m heartbroken, and kicking myself. Thank you for your concern?
Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Lol are you on your lunch break, sixth grader? This is not an adult
DP. Weird and highly inappropriate for you to engage someone who you think is a child.
For good measure, your comment is that of a child’s retort.
Anonymous
08/04/2022 13:52
Subject: Re:If you’re staying together for the kids, do you acknowledge it?
Anonymous wrote:If you're not going to make it to HS graduation, for sure divorce now.
I was 4 when my parents divorced, I don't even remember it. Middle school divorces are much, much harder on a kid.
I was 5 when my mom and dad divorced. I remember not understanding why he didn’t live with us anymore, but that was probably actually when they first separated when I was 4. I know I had to talk to a school counselor about it in maybe 1st grade, but I don’t know why. I don’t remember anything about living with my dad, no fighting, nothing.
I didn’t like bouncing around houses growing up. That sucked.
My mom and stepdad split up for a while when I was in 8th grade and for good when I was in 10th grade I think. That was much more disruptive in a lot of ways, and I didn’t really like him that much. But I was aware of a lot more - fighting, crying, etc.
My DH is an alcoholic and things have been bad a couple of times. Better now, and we’re continuing to work on things. But part of the reason I stayed is because our kids are young and I can’t let them be alone with him if he’s been drinking. Even if things get bad again I won’t leave him, not until the kids are old enough to wake up to a smoke alarm and get out of the house safely if DH is passed out drunk, for example.
If your marriage is toxic and your kid is safe with your husband when you’re not around, get out now.
I also think maybe you have read some stuff into what your counselor said.
Anonymous
08/04/2022 13:52
Subject: Re:If you’re staying together for the kids, do you acknowledge it?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Picking the right spouse would’ve been the right thing to do.
I agree. I messed up. I should have heeded red flags. I didn’t
And you think this is helpful for you to move forward? I thought that was kind of a given. But if this is the "advice" you need then peace out. Won't waste my time. Why don't we just make this the response to all relationship threads and save ourselves the time of educating other people on how to move forward with their problems for free and let them pay for their own therapy? Glad this person was helpful for you. Won't visit again.
WTF. You are angry at OP for not getting angry at the PP? I agree they were being an absolute d**k, but still.
That same person or bot comes on every thread and says the same thing and makes some false assumption that somehow making a bad decision in the past and wanting to move forward away from that decision into something better means you don't take responsibility for the past which is both untrue and unhelpful and this OP basically gives her credit for her "great idea" to go back in time and fix her past decision, so yeah, I am. I want this time traveler to get off the relationship discussion thread. They derail every discussion and waste people's good ideas to help. I'm not going to make a comment after careful thinking and then have this bot every time pipe up about how really the problem is your responsibility for your past decision.
I’m OP and I’m heartbroken, and kicking myself. Thank you for your concern?
Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
BTW this was a different person. Not the person who people think needs to be on medication. But peace out OP. I just don't care that much when you divorce your lousy husband. It all sucks.
You don’t know if her husband is lousy. Seemingly sounds like OP is.
Anonymous
08/04/2022 13:51
Subject: Re:If you’re staying together for the kids, do you acknowledge it?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Picking the right spouse would’ve been the right thing to do.
I agree. I messed up. I should have heeded red flags. I didn’t
And you think this is helpful for you to move forward? I thought that was kind of a given. But if this is the "advice" you need then peace out. Won't waste my time. Why don't we just make this the response to all relationship threads and save ourselves the time of educating other people on how to move forward with their problems for free and let them pay for their own therapy? Glad this person was helpful for you. Won't visit again.
WTF. You are angry at OP for not getting angry at the PP? I agree they were being an absolute d**k, but still.
That same person or bot comes on every thread and says the same thing and makes some false assumption that somehow making a bad decision in the past and wanting to move forward away from that decision into something better means you don't take responsibility for the past which is both untrue and unhelpful and this OP basically gives her credit for her "great idea" to go back in time and fix her past decision, so yeah, I am. I want this time traveler to get off the relationship discussion thread. They derail every discussion and waste people's good ideas to help. I'm not going to make a comment after careful thinking and then have this bot every time pipe up about how really the problem is your responsibility for your past decision.
I’m OP and I’m heartbroken, and kicking myself. Thank you for your concern?
Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Lol are you on your lunch break, sixth grader? This is not an adult
Anonymous
08/04/2022 13:50
Subject: Re:If you’re staying together for the kids, do you acknowledge it?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Picking the right spouse would’ve been the right thing to do.
I agree. I messed up. I should have heeded red flags. I didn’t
And you think this is helpful for you to move forward? I thought that was kind of a given. But if this is the "advice" you need then peace out. Won't waste my time. Why don't we just make this the response to all relationship threads and save ourselves the time of educating other people on how to move forward with their problems for free and let them pay for their own therapy? Glad this person was helpful for you. Won't visit again.
WTF. You are angry at OP for not getting angry at the PP? I agree they were being an absolute d**k, but still.
That same person or bot comes on every thread and says the same thing and makes some false assumption that somehow making a bad decision in the past and wanting to move forward away from that decision into something better means you don't take responsibility for the past which is both untrue and unhelpful and this OP basically gives her credit for her "great idea" to go back in time and fix her past decision, so yeah, I am. I want this time traveler to get off the relationship discussion thread. They derail every discussion and waste people's good ideas to help. I'm not going to make a comment after careful thinking and then have this bot every time pipe up about how really the problem is your responsibility for your past decision.
I’m OP and I’m heartbroken, and kicking myself. Thank you for your concern?
Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
BTW this was a different person. Not the person who people think needs to be on medication. But peace out OP. I just don't care that much when you divorce your lousy husband. It all sucks.