Thank you for being so thoughtful in your response. I should have specified it was all part of the thought had in the past. It took me 10 years to recover.

Anonymous wrote:I was a suicidal high school kid from a wealthy, high-performing enclave. My parents were multi-millionaires many times over, I was close to valedictorian at a top school in the country, I was constantly overworked and under pressure, and my mom was still constantly worried about me. I remember thinking I’m living one of the best lives available in the world, and I hate waking up in the morning. If every other life is worse, what’s the point of this? And then I went to one of those universities everyone fawns over, and I thought this is what everyone is fawning over? Life only gets worse from here? Life is awful here. I don’t want to live it anymore

I wanted you to know that I saw this and even if I don't know you, I think it's worthwhile for you to be "here", wherever that is. I have had some very dark, low moments in my life too. But I have found so much to be worth living for. If "here" is this area, there's so much more to the world than here. And there's so much more than the performance culture many of us have grown up in and that is so horribly pervasive. That is not all there is. I hope you have some people close to you that you can speak with, or reach out to others to connect. You are not alone and this is not all there is.

Allow your kid to fail, dont expect perfection, encourage selecting a college outside the top 50 based on fit, stay off social media as much as possible.

I grew up in a middle class suburb in the Midwest. There were plenty of kid committing suicide. There was also a lot of violence and sexual abuse behind closed doors (home, church, school). Kids brain can't cope with trauma. Back then kids were expected to suck it up. Now kids are traumatized academically and socially via the internet. We give them drugs to cope.

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Anonymous wrote:I think it starts young. Child is struggling a little in school...rush to get a diagnosis and meds. Child is struggling emotionally...rush to the shrink and meds. Parents are always trying to fix things instead of being patient and teaching coping mechanisms.

You don’t think therapists teach coping mechanisms?

I didn't say that therapists don't teach coping mechanisms. I said that parents rush to therapists/psychiatrists instead of trying to teach their kids coping mechanisms themselves. So many parents want a quick fix for their kids problems instead of realizing that kids may just be going through a phase or are maturing at a different rate than peers. These kids go from ADHD drugs to SSRIs to anti-anxiety meds...all by the time their 15 years old. I'm not saying that their aren't some kids for whom these medications are essential. But anyone who thinks there's not a ton of overdiagnosing going on these days is kidding themselves.

Well said.

And yet, every time a kid fails at school or struggles at an activity, there is a chorus of voices, including non-parents like teachers or coaches, blaming parents for their kids' struggles. You can't be both hands-off in promoting resilience and solely responsible for your kids' struggles. It's time that we examine the role that all adults, not just parents, play in perpetuating this cycle.

Resilience has nothing to do with anxiety and depression and maybe that is the problem. Parents are ultimately responsible for their child's needs and that includes mental health. If your child is having a mental health issue, you take them for an evaluation and therapy and do family therapy as well. Then, you reach out to the school and do what ever is equal to an IEP/504 at your school.

I do all that. Guess what? It’s not a cure.

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Anonymous wrote:I think it starts young. Child is struggling a little in school...rush to get a diagnosis and meds. Child is struggling emotionally...rush to the shrink and meds. Parents are always trying to fix things instead of being patient and teaching coping mechanisms.

You don’t think therapists teach coping mechanisms?

I didn't say that therapists don't teach coping mechanisms. I said that parents rush to therapists/psychiatrists instead of trying to teach their kids coping mechanisms themselves. So many parents want a quick fix for their kids problems instead of realizing that kids may just be going through a phase or are maturing at a different rate than peers. These kids go from ADHD drugs to SSRIs to anti-anxiety meds...all by the time their 15 years old. I'm not saying that their aren't some kids for whom these medications are essential. But anyone who thinks there's not a ton of overdiagnosing going on these days is kidding themselves.

Well said.

And yet, every time a kid fails at school or struggles at an activity, there is a chorus of voices, including non-parents like teachers or coaches, blaming parents for their kids' struggles. You can't be both hands-off in promoting resilience and solely responsible for your kids' struggles. It's time that we examine the role that all adults, not just parents, play in perpetuating this cycle.

Resilience has nothing to do with anxiety and depression and maybe that is the problem. Parents are ultimately responsible for their child's needs and that includes mental health. If your child is having a mental health issue, you take them for an evaluation and therapy and do family therapy as well. Then, you reach out to the school and do what ever is equal to an IEP/504 at your school.

I think there is plenty of data out there that concludes otherwise

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Anonymous wrote:Mental health issues cost money. There's a reason that more rich and UMC kids are in therapy

Much of that therapy happens to be: Yeah, I can see how your parents are too busy for you.

Beware.

They care deeply about the child's problems so long as the parents can afford for them to care

Spot-on. People need to chill. Live beneath your means. Don’t overschedule. Take time just to hang with your family.

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Anonymous wrote:Teach kindness in schools. Teach religion to your kids.

I think there is something to religion being a factor here. Religion gives people a sense of purpose and community, which helps people cope. I think religion also emphasizes reflection- quiet time, the world and your role in it. People seem desperate to keep their kids “busy,” as if that’s going to protect them from doing anything bad in life but at some point a person needs to have some down time and reflect.

Also, upper middle class life seems more and more like a joyless slog. I have multiple friends who are totally successful in all of the ways DCUM cares about but who are fairly miserable and need a lot of therapy. Their lives are not particularly *hard,* they just have no resilience and every time something happens it’s the end of the world. They expect nothing less than perfection for themselves and soon enough will put those grueling expectations on their own children.

In short, I think these miserable kids are the product of miserable parents.

There is some truth in what you say, but I'm going to push back on your assessment of what lives are "hard," as I also think that part of the problem is excessive focus on class in a way that discounts basic human needs and suggests that financial security makes life "easy."

I can see myself in some of the bolded paragraph and will note that as a successful person who has struggled with depression and chronic pain and fatigue as a result of a health condition, you would have no idea how "hard" my life is. Many people who lack resilience fall apart because they feel like they are already operating at a level requiring near-perfect attention and organization. They are afraid of having to to adapt to setbacks because they are already barely getting by.

Two things:

1. Obviously coping with an illness makes life “hard.” Let’s define hard as dealing with an obstacle preventing you from doing what you want or need to do in daily life. Even past trauma can make life hard.

But you know what… coping is part of life, and I feel like there is so much effort spent on cushioning kids from any trauma they don’t actually develop those coping skills. Poor or rich, eventually life is going to throw you a curveball and you’re going to have to deal with it AND go to work and take care of your kids and get your taxes done. That’s just life.

Sometimes you see people on the religion forum mocking religious people for religion being a crutch… it’s ok to have a crutch. Like what makes religion worse than other coping mechanisms if you’re not some fanatic imposing your values on others? Like you don’t have to bear everything on yourself and it seems we don’t teach kids that at all.

2. The friends I am talking about are close and I know what they are dealing with, and it’s stuff everybody has to deal with whether they have a lot of money or not- family trouble, parent problems, work problems, etc.

And let’s not pretend money doesn’t cushion our lives from being hard, ok? Money does a lot of work here. If my car needs a $500 repair, no problem. If my kids need help with math, boom, tutor, no problem, if I’m tired and don’t want to make dinner, let’s eat out, no problem. And I don’t even have an HHI that is “high” by DCUM standards.

Our kids attended public school in Mclean. The academic pressure is high enough that most kids were on ADHD drugs in HS. They were taking study drugs to compete. Those drugs likely do some harm. Parents are short sighted and get their egos in their kids education.

I don't want to hear "oh, my kid really did need psychoactive drugs". It's a farce.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teach kindness in schools. Teach religion to your kids.

I think there is something to religion being a factor here. Religion gives people a sense of purpose and community, which helps people cope. I think religion also emphasizes reflection- quiet time, the world and your role in it. People seem desperate to keep their kids “busy,” as if that’s going to protect them from doing anything bad in life but at some point a person needs to have some down time and reflect.

Also, upper middle class life seems more and more like a joyless slog. I have multiple friends who are totally successful in all of the ways DCUM cares about but who are fairly miserable and need a lot of therapy. Their lives are not particularly *hard,* they just have no resilience and every time something happens it’s the end of the world. They expect nothing less than perfection for themselves and soon enough will put those grueling expectations on their own children.

In short, I think these miserable kids are the product of miserable parents.

There is some truth in what you say, but I'm going to push back on your assessment of what lives are "hard," as I also think that part of the problem is excessive focus on class in a way that discounts basic human needs and suggests that financial security makes life "easy."

I can see myself in some of the bolded paragraph and will note that as a successful person who has struggled with depression and chronic pain and fatigue as a result of a health condition, you would have no idea how "hard" my life is. Many people who lack resilience fall apart because they feel like they are already operating at a level requiring near-perfect attention and organization. They are afraid of having to to adapt to setbacks because they are already barely getting by.

Anonymous wrote:Teach kindness in schools. Teach religion to your kids.

I think there is something to religion being a factor here. Religion gives people a sense of purpose and community, which helps people cope. I think religion also emphasizes reflection- quiet time, the world and your role in it. People seem desperate to keep their kids “busy,” as if that’s going to protect them from doing anything bad in life but at some point a person needs to have some down time and reflect.

Also, upper middle class life seems more and more like a joyless slog. I have multiple friends who are totally successful in all of the ways DCUM cares about but who are fairly miserable and need a lot of therapy. Their lives are not particularly *hard,* they just have no resilience and every time something happens it’s the end of the world. They expect nothing less than perfection for themselves and soon enough will put those grueling expectations on their own children.

In short, I think these miserable kids are the product of miserable parents.

Obviously, social media plays a big part.
Kids see other kids and celebrities living what looks to be fabulous lives so they feel poor/dumb/fat/unathletic/etc in comparison.
They can see if everyone is hanging out without them
They can see where everyone they have ever known is going to college and will compare themselves.
Unless a kid is super confident, it’s really hard not let any of these factors get them down.

I was a suicidal high school kid from a wealthy, high-performing enclave. My parents were multi-millionaires many times over, I was close to valedictorian at a top school in the country, I was constantly overworked and under pressure, and my mom was still constantly worried about me. I remember thinking I’m living one of the best lives available in the world, and I hate waking up in the morning. If every other life is worse, what’s the point of this? And then I went to one of those universities everyone fawns over, and I thought this is what everyone is fawning over? Life only gets worse from here? Life is awful here. I don’t want to live it anymore

Eating disorders, anxiety, depression and ADHD can be linked but are also separate disorders.

I think a lot of these conversations combine all of these things into one category of “mental health” which makes it difficult to tease out exactly what is going on in terms of incidence over time, treatment patterns by economic status, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it starts young. Child is struggling a little in school...rush to get a diagnosis and meds. Child is struggling emotionally...rush to the shrink and meds. Parents are always trying to fix things instead of being patient and teaching coping mechanisms.

You don’t think therapists teach coping mechanisms?

I didn't say that therapists don't teach coping mechanisms. I said that parents rush to therapists/psychiatrists instead of trying to teach their kids coping mechanisms themselves. So many parents want a quick fix for their kids problems instead of realizing that kids may just be going through a phase or are maturing at a different rate than peers. These kids go from ADHD drugs to SSRIs to anti-anxiety meds...all by the time their 15 years old. I'm not saying that their aren't some kids for whom these medications are essential. But anyone who thinks there's not a ton of overdiagnosing going on these days is kidding themselves.

Well said.

And yet, every time a kid fails at school or struggles at an activity, there is a chorus of voices, including non-parents like teachers or coaches, blaming parents for their kids' struggles. You can't be both hands-off in promoting resilience and solely responsible for your kids' struggles. It's time that we examine the role that all adults, not just parents, play in perpetuating this cycle.

Kids aren't allowed to struggle sometimes and fail sometimes now, even though that is part of life as an adult. They are supposed to excel at everything so they can get into the perfect college and have a perfect life. Otherwise, they are DOOMED. That's what they hear from everyone.

The pressure put on them by all sides to get 100 on everything 24/7 is crushing. That's the biggest difference I see with teens today and my generation from the 70s. As long as you didn't get arrested or fail every class, you were probably going to be OK.

No room for any slipups nowadays.