Anonymous wrote:I'm 13:40 and 13:42 poster.

To SIL:

"Our homeowners insurance does not allow company at the house without our authorization due to the liability of the pool"

While perhaps true, I object to making an excuse for setting a boundary here. The boundary is obvious and does not need justification.

I would cancel the upcoming weekend by truthfully saying, "at the moment we are too upset but we look forward to hopefully seeing you at grandma's over Xmas" or whatever.

Yeah, DH’s sister’s family’s invitation would be permanently revoked. They knew it wasn’t OK. It would have taken five seconds to shoot you a text to ask permission. They didn’t because they didn’t want you to say no and thought you wouldn’t find out.

Can you say you’re not available the whole weekend but if they want to bring the kids up to play on Saturday afternoon, that would work. If lunch or dinner is involved order out. Don’t have a huge amount of snacks or drinks available. Then don’t mention or offer them the house for a long period of time, if ever.

Anonymous wrote:Don’t cancel the weekend. But do change the codes after the weekend is over.

This is assuming you like them and want to have a relationship with them. If you don’t, then feel free to cancel.

Sounds like they were just using the pool but it’s still not cool of them to do that.

I would have said they were welcome to stay and swim for an hour but after that they needed to pack up and leave because you have other plans etc.

She had they had supplies at her house to stay the weekend.

I live for posts like this. Thank you for brightening my day! But yeah I'm not sure how i'd handle that because it's so beyond the pale. I'm imagining the same thing in my own family- we dont own a second vacation home but my brother does. I'm trying to imagine my husband telling his own sister that she was free to stay in my brother's vacation home (she has never met my brother except I guess at our wedding- so same situation) . First of all, I'd murder my husband. Second of all, there is no way his sister would be like "sure sounds great!" she'd be like "can I have your wife's brother's number so I can coordinate with him and make sure this is cool/ see what I can leave them in their fridge as a thank you gift/ make sure I don't mess anything up". And my husband's sister is not exactly a beacon of ethics and responsibility.

So your husband's sister is INSANE for thinking this was okay to do, and your husband's sister's in laws KNEW they were being sneaky and basically trespassing, because they WERE SLEEPING ON THE PORCH??? Like if they possibly thought you were okay with this they'd be like "so why exactly can't we go indoors if JimBob is fine with us staying here?"

It would unfortunately make me question my entire relationship with DH's sister because yeah it was THAT BAD.

My relationship with them would be forever icy. And they would never step foot in my second home again. That just crosses every reasonable boundary that exists. I wouldn't want my kids around anyone who thought that was OK.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is amazingly outrageous. I am fascinated by the part where these randos waited for you to tell them it was fine for them to stay. I want to know more about your SIL and her extended family. I’m guessing this is not the first major boundary violation you’ve encountered.

They probably assumed the OP knew they had been invited, so they didn't really do anything wrong here. They were probably just hoping that they wouldn't catch the fallout of someone else's mistake.

HOW DO YOU STAY AT SOMEONE’S HOME WITHOUT CHECKING WITH THEM
YOURSELF? THIRD PARTY PERMISSION IS BULLS***!

Not only is the BIL entities but how is it his brother did not ask to check with you?!
If my sister told me I could use her BIL’s house I would ask to confirm with them myself. WTF!

I’m not sure how you know they didn’t know you didn’t know. That part doesn’t make sense based just on the fact they had a cooler and slept on the porch. BIL could have told them it’s fine and that he had permission to do that.

No who knew what, it was still wildly inappropriate of BIL to do and in your situation I’d feel very violated. I’d skip Labor Day and invite someone else with kids or let my kids invite a friend each.

PP again.

I do keep laughing at the thought that they were pausing to get an invitation. Just . . . WHAT.

17:37 here. Yeah we have an isolated place in the mountains and we have video cameras. We don't have a Ring or anything in our primary residence due to laziness and having a house that is both very surrounded by neighbors (row houses) and also uniquely guarded by a tall fence and being on display on the corner. But out in the mountains we want to know who is coming and going!

Change the codes. Install a camera. This is just a ridiculous violation, but also, it's a huge safety risk with the pool!

This is so nuts. The nerve of the BIL, the whole thing is crazy.

I have Arlo cameras on my weekend place and a Schlage Encode keypad. The keypad alerts me when the door is unlocked and I can lock/unlock remotely. I can also add and disable codes remotely. They’re hard to find right now due to the influx of new Airbnb owners but worth it if you can get your hands on one.

I’m also team cancel Labor Day weekend.

OMG! What a wild violation!

Like, OK, they thought this was OK but they didn't think to mention it to you?!?!? How on earth could they be sure you weren't going to be there or letting someone else stay there?

OP, that's crazy. And as the PPs said, there's no way this is the first time. And it would completely change my relationship with the adults. Hard to know how best to handle Labor Day - you don't want to punish your own kids by depriving them of an annual getaway with their cousins, but personally I couldn't spend a holiday weekend with relatives who did something this egregious.

I don’t think I could enjoy LDW with them, I would just see red.

And if I were them I would be preparing to tell you that we were taking this LDW off anyways, I couldn’t show my face.

This is so egregious, I would need a little more time to move forward. +1 on cameras and not offering them the house in the future. They screwed everything up for themselves.